How To Reappear

How To Reappear: Listen To Your Heart Beating, by Rowena Murillo

The process of coming back from a fallow creative period can be very difficult.

Uhm, like, REALLY difficult.

I think we do a lot of self flagellation over not being able to create. Hand wringing, hair pulling, shirt rending. Metaphorically, I hope.

If you're an artist, shouldn't it be EASY to create? Shouldn't it come naturally? Shouldn't it be something you want to do and like doing? Shouldn't it be fun?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. It should.

Except for when it isn't. Because sometimes creating is hard and it's like pulling teeth and you want to avoid it because it is facing things you really don't want to confront and it's not fun at all because, goshdarnit, it is hard work! And that is just as it should be, too.

So, yeah. I've been in a deep creative funk, at this point for a couple of years. I'm always trying to get it back, I'm often doing projects and writing novels and snapping photos and writing in my journal and taking workshops  and doing challenges and these are all good ways to get your mojo back, but in some ways, I've lost my direction.

At some point, I have to pull all my little projects together and make it mean something. Something for myself, give it a purpose.

But what happens if I don't know what purpose I want to have?

I wonder, maybe, if this is the reason for my creative slump.

Maybe instead of spending my time with figuring out what projects I want to do, or how I want to do them or when I have time to squeeze them in, perhaps I need to spend some time working on WHY I want to be creative.

Why? What is my purpose? What fills my life with meaning? What is that something that keeps me going?

Another problem.

How the heck are you supposed to figure out that?

To answer that, I refer back to the drawing. Follow the things you love. Follow the things that fill your heart with gladness. Follow the things that make your heart say "yes." Just keep following them.

Take real steps to make those things a part of your life. Find the "yes," say "yes" to it. Do.  Don't imagine it, don't say "oh that's really nice, I should try that, what's playing on netflix?" (btdt)

Do.

Create.

I May Wander But I Am Not Lost, Turning Failures into Something New

Sometimes, when I am printing up one of my paintings that someone ordered, something will go wrong. The ink will splotch or an unnoticed spot will appear or the colors will be off or I tried to use the wrong paper or something will smudge or the printer will break down or it just won't be right.

I won't send those prints out. I will stick them in a box and pray the next print comes out. Every once in a while, that one doesn't, or the next one doesn't. So every once in a while, I go through my boxes and files of failures and look for something that I can take and do something with, make something of.

I had a whole series of prints where the color was off. I finally just took them out and chopped them up into little bookmarks. This is one. You can see the tip of a flying girl's foot right above the 'wander.'

I thought this was a kind of fitting metaphor for life, and a good illustration of Tolkien's quote.

I wander from my path. I fail in my endeavors. I get lost in the details or in the living. Then I unpack all my mistakes, and see what I have learned, how I have grown, what I can make from my failures.

Interestingly, I'm doing the same thing with writing. I'm doing Nanowrimo in a few days where I will write 50k words in a new novel in the month of November. I've done nano for the last 7 years. I dropped out last year because life was just in too much upheaval, but even the two years before that, where I met my wordcount goal, I wrote stories that were failures as stories. The first of those stories didn't work, so I tried again the next year, and that one didn't work either.

They wandered. They wandered terribly into places that didn't make sense and didn't seem to get me where I needed to go, narratively speaking. I explored paths the story wasn't ready to take, and so the "novels" I wrote never went anywhere. That would be 100k words of a novel that wandered, without ever getting where it needed to go.

So here I am again, getting ready to write that novel that I failed at twice before. Unpacking those hundred thousand words, reading them, salvaging what I could.

And I chopped that sucker up, just like the bookmark. My new outline starts with the one scene that worked in the first novelistic failure.The same scene that I started again with the second novelistic failure. After reading both drafts, I realize that my second draft improved greatly on the first draft of the scene, so I got ONE thing out of rewriting it twice.

My new outline for this twice attempted book is taking an entirely different direction. The book, while it has the same characters and basic premise, will have an entirely different flavor. I believe it will be richer and smarter and darker. It will mean more.

Because the thing is, I have learned things over these last three years of failed noveling that have actually gotten me past the struggle I was having with writing the new story. Some of those lessons are about writing and character and plot, but some of those things are about myself, living, love, fear and pain.

I am very optimistic about my writing for this nano, and about the story I am going to tell. Is it because this time I put my energy into planning and outlining instead of winging it like I tried for the last three years? Quite possibly. Or is it because in my wanderings I have grown and am now ready to write the story that needs to be written? Maybe that, too.  I may wander, but I am not lost.

Write. Just Do It.

Write, or Pink Smith Corona

To reach your dream, you have to make a commitment, a real, solid, painful commitment, much like a marriage. It's a better or worse kind of scenario. It's the kind of commitment where you forsake all others, and give up other things to stay true to the dream. If for instance, you dream of being a writer, you may think only of the wild and alive story that you have brought into the world, the glories of publishing, the swagger of being that writer with the pen in hand and the journal, sitting at the cafe like some Parisian bohemian, drinking strong black coffee and pouring his soul out onto the page. But being a writer is often a lot uglier than that. It's struggling with the days when the words don't come. It's a deadly dull day job or grinding financial struggle. It's rejection letters. It's fear and insecurity. It's isolating. It's the hundreds of pages that you have to delete because you were just going down the wrong track. It's your laptop dying when you didn't save, when you had finally figured it out, and were *that* close to the masterpiece of your dreams. It's that moment when you say, "Forget it. I give up. It's too hard."

A lot of the time, when we think about our dreams, we only see the hilights, the pretty pictures, the golden light streaming through the windows and the joy of achieving what you have worked for all that time.

But the truth is, dreams are hard work and they have shadows, too. They are full of struggles, confusion, failure, drudgery, dust bunnies, neglected children, neglected health, being broke, lonely days, detours, breakdowns of many varieties, long stretches of silence, block and giving up.

But if this dream is really your dream, if you love the journey, not just the idea of accomplishment, if you love the work, then trust yourself, trust that when you come back, your dream will be waiting for you and you can climb your way back onto the path. But, it's hard. Don't think it will be easy. If you really want this, and you have lost your way, you will have to claw your way back, regain the ground that you lost inch by inch. But believe in your dream and believe in yourself, because it's that belief that makes the dream possible, even when it seems like it isn't.

PS  This is my 1000th post. I think that is why I've had such a bloggers block this year. I knew this momentous post was coming up and I wanted to make it a landmark, important. I made the stakes too high and it kept me from writing. One Thousand blog posts. ONE THOUSAND. Even thinking about it kind of blows my mind. So perhaps, instead of making this a special post, I will just quietly go back to writing my blog, one post at a time, the way I wrote every one of those thousand entries, without trying to make it momentous. Maybe I'll reward myself with a new sweater. Or a cake. Cake is good.

PPS I'm also doing nanowrimo this year. Is anyone else taking the challenge? I am rosymamacita over on nanowrimo if you want to buddy up.

PPPS I have prints of Write or Pink Smith Corona up for sale in my shop. You notice it says "Write" not, "Hey, why don't you think about writing and avoid the blank page until you are absolutely 100% sure you have it all perfectly down and will not make any mistakes and really really know what you're doing and are totally confident and the circumstances are just perfect and you're not tired or stressed out or don't have to go deep clean the kitchen." Just write. Do it.

PPPPS Yay me for sitting down and writing this blog entry instead of just thinking about it for more weeks on end. 

Reintegration and finding yourself not lost

Reintegration by Rowena Murillo

There are times on our journey where we might find ourselves lost.

The answers that we are accustomed to do not address the questions that we are being asked.

We might find ourselves confused, and aimless, at a loss.

What now?

Here's something that I have learned over my long journey.

These times of crisis are not a failure, they are part of the process.

The important questions will be asked again. The important answers will have meaning again. And the important paths are the ones we are still walking, even though the signposts no longer show us the way.

Keep going.

You will find yourself again.

In Which The Psyche Throws A Temper Tantrum

YES (nononononononono...)

I've been thinking about this post for a while. And each time I think about it, I don't do it.

It's about resistance.

We've decided that we are going to do something. We are going to change our lives. We're going to reach for our goals. We're going to go for that thing that we've always wanted but haven't been able to do and then, we say YES, now it's time for me to achieve.

And we make our goals and set up our tasks and shoot for the stars.

And then we come upon the resistance.

We choose not to sit down and write. Or we pick up that bag of cookies. Or we turn on the tv instead of making those phone calls... whatever it is.

Part of this process of changing our lives and taking action on our dreams is facing resistance.

When we make our commitments, the little angry, scaredy cat inside of us all of a sudden gets really loud and demanding. It doesn't like the idea that it is losing power. The 'no's get louder. The 'yes'es get overwhelmed. It finds its ways to be the center of our attention, to stop the forward momentum that will leave it behind, to be in control of your life.

And this is part of the process.

We all face resistance. We all back slide. We all have roadblocks of our own device. We all have fears and anxieties that flare up and take over like a toddler.

It's okay. You don't have to let the the resistance win.

When my kids have a temper tantrum, I tell them that it's okay for them to feel their upset, to be angry or afraid or hurt, I tell them that their feelings about things are valid, but it is not okay for them to take out their upset on other people, or use that upset to control the family. I send them to their room to feel their anger. I sit with them and talk to them about it.  I ask them if they're ready to move on. I talk to them about what they could be doing now if they weren't having a temper tantrum. I ask them what they'd really like to be doing. And when they are done being upset, they come out of their room and we move on with our day.

That's a child. Your own resistance is something different.

Breathe through it. Relax into it. Accept that your fears and anxieties are valid feelings, but may not reflect the reality of the situation. Acknowledge the resistance. Recognize that this is part of our defense mechanism that has served to protect us. It may not be what we need right now to move forward, so pay attention to the voices that are resisting your forward movement. Thank them for protecting you. And then tell them that you don't need them right now, you are quite safe already and are intent on moving forward with your goals.

And then do so.

Today Is A Day To Honor Who You Are, or Self Portrait With Eyes Closed

Self Portrait: Eyes Closed

One of the things we can forget to do when we try to step out into our dreams, is to remember who we are.  It's so easy to look at all the wonderful things that are out there, the beautiful paintings, the beautiful people, the talented folks, the successful business people, the brave and exciting and important paths that people take and think, "Oh, that is just not me."

We compare ourselves to everyone else and decide that we are lacking. They have it. We don't.

It's so easy to do. So easy to focus on the negative and the flaws.

So today, I'm going to look at myself as if I weren't me, as if I wasn't privy to all the fears and failures and missteps and dead ends that I've gotten caught up in. I'm going to look at only my own beauty and talent and success and bravery and adventures and contributions to the world.

I'm going to make a list of the things I am good at, the things I know how to do, the things I can speak with authority on. I'm going to list my successes, because for all my failures in life, I've had successes, too, we all have. I'm going to focus, today, on who I am as a positive force in the world. What I can give. The effect I have had. I am going to focus on my own power.

Try it yourself. Try making a list of all your strengths... without adding caveats and exceptions and 'buts' and trying to convince yourself that you're not that good. Write out the ways you are wonderful and beautiful and strong. Take stock of your own strength and power and abilities. Every time those negative voices come up, tell them, 'thanks for sharing, but we're only looking for positive qualities now.' Ignore the negative and move on to the next positive.

It takes practice to look at the positive aspects of yourself without that negative voice, without the pessimism and doubts and fears. So practice. Answer that internal 'I suck' voice with a new internal 'I rock' voice... even if you don't believe it at first. Keep focusing on your own greatness, and sooner or later, you might even start believing it.

Look Out Now or Flying Girl Makes It Through The Storm

Look Out Now, or Flying Girl Makes It Through The Storm
Pencil, Ink and Acrylic paint on vintage Alice in Wonderland book page
7 1/4" x 4 3/4" on 8 1/2"x 11"

This is my first flying girl in quite some time.

I'm not sure what the lesson here is, unless it's about learning how to breathe again after being buffeted about by the winds of fate.

Or perhaps remembering the lessons that I have already learned.

Or perhaps life is guaranteed to knock you around a bit, but if you manage to come out the other side, it is a lesson, not the doom that it felt like when you were caught in the middle of it.

That sounds suspiciously like "this too shall pass," but that's ok since that's one of my favorite old sayings.

Maybe the wisdom of getting older is learning to hunker down and wait it out, and understanding that there is  always going to be something better on the other side. Time goes faster than we think and we are stronger than we know.

Maybe this is just a reminder. It gets better. We get stronger.

Prints of this painting is for sale here:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/122841807/look-out-now-or-flying-girl-makes-it

Belief is the Theme, 80-84/100

 Head of a Girl 12, red and sepia
ink on paper
80/100

I'm going backwards with this one. When I found my red ink, I started experimenting with it. I was not happy with my use of the medium until the last one I did, which was this one.

 "I draw my hand..."
ink on paper
text reads [I draw my hand to say to the world and myself, that I am the maker. I do. I create. In my hand I hold the power to guide my life. The hand is the tool of human agency. The hand allows us to create the the {sic} world that our big brains let us IMAGINE. That's right. The hand allows us to be human because it allows us to create. And because we can create, the mind is free to dream up all that is ever possible. Between the mind and the hand, we become creators, we become the heroes of our own stories-- Rowena Murillo]
81/100

Then I saw something where red was combined with black, and I said, aha. I will add my sepia ink to the red ink drawings and see what happens. It worked, with various levels of success. Here, adding the text gave meaning to the not very good sketch of the hand, turning a failing piece into a successful one.

believe
ink on paper
82/100

Believe is the current theme. I actually liked this one the best, so I left it the way it was, without sepia ink.

believe that you can figure it out. And if you can't figure it out, you can figure out a way out of the mess. And if you can't figure a way out of the mess, maybe it wasn't that important to begin with. -RM
red and sepia ink on  paper
83/100

I liked this one the least, even with sepia ink. I had the medium all wrong.  The red was too heavy. My brush was too thick for what I was attempting, and my vision of what I wanted was not clear enough for me to even get close to it.  Oh well. I take it as a learning experience. Thus the added words. This piece is the one that isn't "that important to begin with."

Trust In You
acrylic on paper
84/100

This is the same theme, but different style and medium and technique. I do not know where the animal mask idea came from. It just came upon me and demanded to be painted.

Still behind on my 100 in 100 days goal, but if I do three a day, I will make it. I can do three a day. I hope.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and if you have any insight into what the final piece, Trust In You, actually means, I'd love to hear your interpretation. I think it's a deer. It might be a fox. I am not sure. But why is it a mask? And why is it combined with the words? And why on a black background? Anyone want to analyze it?

All I Can Say Is I'm Trying 43-48/100 in 100 days creative project

 Fight For It
Pen on recycled menu
approx 4"x4"
43/100
This series here are doodles I did while I was at work. Some of them took quite a bit of concentration. I'm looking into where ideas come from and how the process of doodling can lead into serious paths for creation. Sometimes it's just about allowing the inside of your brain to come out into the outside world.

 Path
red ink on paper
4"x4"
44/100

I started this as a kind of book. My original thought was that the whole book would be the artwork, but come on now... I'm 40 days behind. I need to give credit to myself for everything I've done, not finished, elaborate works that aren't really a day kind of project.

No Thoughts
ink on paper
4"x4"
45/100

The little booklet was supposed to be my thoughts made visual. This was the second page. No thoughts. Oh well. It's still part of the process. Sometimes we get ideas not by directing our thought processes, but by allowing ourselves to be empty and open.

Red Ways to Breathe
ink on paper
4"x4"
46/100

This was more of the doodles. This kind of organic plantish kind of drawing. Somehow, it reminds me of lungs. It reminds me of breathing. Plus the in and out of the drawing, the one by one manner of execution leading to something larger. What larger? I don't know.

Systole/Diastole
ink on paper
4"x 4"
47/100

Don't ask. I don't know.

Sucker
ink on paper
4"x4"
48/100

This is inspired by octopus tentacles. I like circles. I like patterns. I like doodles. I did not know where this was going. I just did it. I guess that's what doodles are.

I have 19 days left in my challenge. Can I do it? I have some new paintings/drawings. I have the photos from my trip. I have a new larger project... not really a day project, also. I have some ideas for new things. I have some things that I haven't photographed yet. I have my kids costumes. I really should count them. They took a lot of creativity. I have to be consistent with my posting, as well as my creating. See, now, a project like this? You have to make commitments, and keep going even when you'd rather not or things get tough. Things got tough for me and I did not keep going, but I recommitted.

There's a lesson there. Life does not really go smoothly most of the time. It's nice when it does, but the real test is how you keep going when things get tough. Give up? Or re-evaluate and recommit? All I can say is I'm trying.

52 more to go in those 19 days. Can she do it?

I'm trying.

Back

We have arrived.

My brain is still back in Kentucky somewhere. My goals to create while I was in the car were sadly a bit ambitious. I did finish a stuffed animal that I've been procrastinating with for about 2 years.

At some point, I will get myself organized enough to take photos of all the art and crafts that I have been working on the past couple of months. It's not as much as I'd like, but it's something.

For now, where I'm putting my energy (aside from getting the kids registered in school,) is my new studio. 

This is what it looked like after I moved all the boxes from my kids' room into it.

Yipes.

Well, I had to get the kids a place to sleep, that was first on the agenda. Forget that fact that in order to put everything away, I had to get the studio in order, since it will be storage heavy. When we came back down here to Florida, we were also reunited with most of our stuff that has been in storage. I haven't even gotten through all the boxes, but I've already found so many things that are full of memories.

 Half way through. Still moving boxes and tables.

Boxes moved. Tables moved. Shelves moved. Actually thinking I want the stainless desk back on the other side. I have to experiment with it.  I am looking forward to my thrift shopping and yard saling, looking for a desk chair and a cozy armchair to go along with my soon to be desk.

I love thrift shopping. I love yard sales. I also love the art of the curb side find.

Next to the shelving unit, there is a cabinet that I think used to house an old school stereo system but which I used for my art supplies. It has a pretty inlay, but a patch of missing trim. I found it in the alley here in Florida three years ago. I almost put it back out in the alley when I moved away, but decided to hold onto it, and now I'm glad I did.

Because it turns out that my craft cabinet aka travel kitchen, which was another curbside find but in Michigan, fits perfectly on top of the hulking cabinet with the interesting inlay and curved front. Now I have a full service craft cabinet.

Well, that's one little discovery in my studio. It will make me even happier when I've filled it with all my supplies.

I kind of want to get back to work and finish fixing up the rest of my studio. I think it's time to make a space to take my art and my writing seriously. Because I am super behind in nanowrimo and super behind in my 100 in 100 days creative projects.

Sigh.

Well, like I said, back to work.

Moving House

Moving House

I've kind of fallen down on my 100 paintings in 100 days. A few days in, I discovered that I'd have to move in two months, and as the days got nearer, the stress and time constraints kept me from painting and even more, from posting.

Now, the 100 days is not actually over yet, so who knows, maybe I will manage to put it all together. I mean, I did do these little houses and charms, and perhaps if I count some of the other things I did, not just paintings, I might not be as far behind as I thought... but my 100 days is not moving smoothly.

Speaking of moving, my move is upon me. Today is the day when we hit the road, so perhaps in a few days when the travel is over and the dust has settled and we are ensconced in our Florida home with the warmer weather, I will come back and show you the plethora of travel themed sketches, paintings, feltie and paperclay projects I have done while riding in the car and trying to keep my kids entertained. I packed a bag with all the things I might need to do so. Wish me luck.

I'm going to take this as a lesson not to take things so seriously, to lighten up and enjoy the ride, even if the ride is bumpy. Perhaps I could have kept up with my painting if I had just remembered to breathe, and to do the work I needed to in the time I had, and then to take a break and do my painting when I needed to.

Oh yeah, I'm also doing nanowrimo.org, even though the first week will be rough in the writing department. I can catch up, I know.  I have always hit my word count, every time I've done it, even if I haven't written a successful novel.

Ah ha. I will take the lessons of my 100 in 100 kerfuffle. Do what I need to do. Take some time to breathe and focus on what I WANT to do. The kids can't talk the ENTIRE trip, right? There will be some time to get some brain space to write, right?  Right?

Oh well, I'll just go with the flow. Let the road rise to meet my feet, er, pen. Ok, enough mixed metaphors. I have to pack the last of the bags in the car and take off.

See ya on the flip side.

Somewhere Beyond the Sea

Somewhere Beyond the Sea
acrylic on paper
9/3/12 moleskine
03/100 days


I think this was inspired by a dark painting I saw. I liked the colors and thought I'd try it.  But when I painted it, I thought it was too dark and didn't like the way it turned out.

So I kept working on it and came up with the final.

The entire time I was painting it, I was singing "somewhere, beyond the sea" and that's why I named it that.

Look. Here I am showing up at my daily challenge, even if I am not all that sure if I like my painting. Even if I have a pounding headache, and this, the first day of school has miss half-day kindergartner trying to force me to come to her impromptu dance party and buy dollar treats. Just so you know, I've "bought" the treats and done some dancing, but apparently this is a party where I have to keep dancing.

Sigh.

Anyway, maybe she'll be happy to do some drawing with mommy, because I have to get back to my painting for my challenge and she wants some girl time.

Anyway. I've taken my ibuprofen. Time to get started on my day and try to get something done.

Hopefully I'll have something more profound to say tomorrow. It's okay if I am not perfect here. The point is to get it moving, and with movement, meaning will come.

Keep it moving.

For official guidelines on the 100 in 100 days creative challenge, go here.

Living This Season As It Is

Working with the kids on papier mache Harry Potter wands.

The summer time is in midswing.

The days are long, stretching into the night. The heat is sweltering. School is out and the kids are home and looking for trouble.

In my mind, I think of summer and a time of relaxation, vacation and the opportunity to really get into projects I want to do.

But the reality is that, as the mother of two still young children, there is no vacation for me in summer.  This is not my vacation, but theirs. I am back on duty as a nearly full time stay at home mom. However my job outside of the home isn't lightened during these times, in fact, this is the busy season for us so my hours are a little longer at that, too.

The problem arises here, when my reality does not live up to my expectations. Just like when you go to a movie, expecting it to be AWESOME and it is just "meh." If you had sat down in the theater without those grand expectations, you would have enjoyed the movie, called it "fun" and been pleasantly surprised. But because you believed it should be something more, something other than what it was, you get cranky, and dissatisfied.

So my summer is like a blockbuster movie that failed to live up to my expectations. I thought I would get back to writing, whip my house into shape, shape up that fabulous Harry Potter party for the boy, paint every day, build my etsy shop into a behemoth, keep my kids from the summer slide and create fabulous games and activities for them every day.

Really... there are still only 24 hours in the day, and there was no way my summer could live up to these grand expectations. Especially since with every goal that I did not meet, I got more and more disgruntled, pouty, even.

This is not the fault of my summer.  The summer is what it is. The kids are running wild and watching far too much tv. I am going to work 5 days a week and coming home 3-6 hours later. The pumpkin seeds we planted are a bust. The kids' reading program plans lost steam, slumping along like summer slide fashion. I have far less time to myself as I am waking up later, since the kids don't need to get to school early and the kids are staying up later with the sun, so that means writing is pretty much out. I can do some creative things while the kids are with me, but I can not get the focus together to really write intensely when the girl wants my attention every 5 minutes and I am refereeing sibling fights every other 5 minutes.

OK.

Well the point of all this is that in order to be productive and enjoy the life that we have, we must accept the season that we are living. This season is summer. It is not the summer of my childhood, with endless days stretching out unmarked (or it isn't for me, that's MY kids' summer.) Nor is it the summer of my teaching days, when my hard work during the year was punctuated by glorious days where I could write and paint and really get down to the work that I had to put aside during the work year.

No, this is the busy mom summer I have. To accept it as THIS summer, means I don't expect it to be the lazy summer of my childhood, or the painting/writing summer of my pre-child days. To accept it as THIS summer means I enjoy making crafts with my kids, or staying up late with them, watching favorite movies from my own child hood (that's right, ET, I'm talking to you). It means researching and experimenting with ideas that will create my son's dream Harry Potter party, even if I think I should go even farther and make it even fancier, even though I am not a professional party planner with unlimited resources and dedicated time. Accepting this summer as it is means letting myself be lazy sometimes, and not expecting constant productivity.

Perhaps it also means letting go of the disappointment that I am not in another season, where I can do each and everything on my dream to do list.

The dream to do list is not about reality, see? So why hold onto it? Why not just accept that this is my season, and the best I can do is to make it the best season it can be, to appreciate it for what it is.

What season are you in right now? Are you accepting it for what it is, or are you wishing for some other summer? Some other springtime or autumn?

Choose Happy

Choose Happy

Happiness is a choice.

It's odd to think that. It's not a destination you reach. It's not a thing you can buy. It's not something other people give you. It is a choice.

You choose to be happy. You choose to release the things that bring you down. You choose to focus on those lovely things that fill you with joy. You choose not to criticize. You choose to accept yourself. You choose to accept your life as it is.

But how can you choose to accept a life that is a struggle, a life that "doesn't make you happy?"

I don't think that accepting your life for what it is means you are giving in to the struggles. Rather, it's the reverse. When you accept that your life is your life is your own, you gain freedom from what holds you down.

It seems paradoxical, but it's true. When you stop resisting your life and start accepting it, you gain power. Your attention slides from what is wrong, what shouldn't be, what is frustrating you, to what is working, what can be improved, what is beautiful.

Does the negative go away? Well, the situations might go not go away, but your perception of them changes. And as your perception changes what once made you frustrated and unhappy releases its hold on you.

Honestly, this is something I am working on. It is the simplest thing in the world, but it is very hard. And I am not there yet. Accept the life I have. Let go of the resistance. Move forward in joy.

Choose happy

How do you "choose happy" in your life?

Life Rules

Life Rules
pen and paper

The other day I was browsing pinterest and stumbled upon some nice handwritten life rules. I didn't pin it because.... I don't know why, and now I can't find it, but it must have stuck with me, because I took out my journal and wrote up my own life rules.

These are the essence of some of the things I have learned over the course of my life. Much of it is about being creative, but frankly, I think it goes for everything. These are the things I have to learn over and over again, the things that get me somewhere and the things I have to remember when I am lost.

But on the plus side, none of these things are terribly hard things, they take a bit of practice and a bit of faith.

This is about living. This is about getting through. This is about enjoying your life. This is about being on the journey with your whole heart.

If I thought about it for a long time, I could probably come up with even more. But this is what fills the page and I am satisfied. So here she is.  Rowena's life rules.

What would your life rules be? It helps to see them written down.

In Transition, Traveling, or The Creative Process

 In Transition, Traveling

I have found that the process of creativity is a very fluid one. When you are creative, it feels unstoppable, as if it could go on forever and never end. This is just who you are. A creative machine.

But it is an illusion. Creativity ebbs and flows and it has its own journey that is not just about moving forward and being a genius. Creativity is a lot of silence. A lot of waiting. A lot of staring out of the window. A lot of quiet periods where things are growing, developing, and making their way into the light.

I think some people call these creative blocks, but I don't look at it like that. Calling it a block gives the blockage too much power. You focus only on what is not happening, and that is a sure bet that it won't. Instead, I look at these silent periods as fallow periods, part of the natural progression of the creative process.

To me, it is very natural, it is a kind of seasonal thing, although your fallow periods may not coincide with winter/spring/summer/fall. Mine kind of do. I think they are influenced by the mad crafting of the holiday season, the long days of summer, the get back to work time of the fall, and the... well... okay, spring is meant to be renewal and rebirth and all, but to me, so much of it is labor and letting the dark earth and cold rain do its job, while I wait for things to grow.

Hey, look. This is a picture of fields in spring. You notice that the grass is lush and green, but those fields are nowhere near harvest. They're barely even sprouting. I love when my photo/artwork sort of magically starts to fit with my ruminations of the day.

Well let me take my metaphor even farther. I don't feel very much like my fields of creativity are abundant right now. They're not, in fact. They're kind of just little germs of ideas, sprouts of inspiration. I want to be expressive and productive and bountiful in my creating, but right now, I'm just kind of picking at whatever is well formed enough to be something, even if it is not what I want.

But I am not doing nothing. I am thinking an awful lot about who I am, what I want, what I have done and learned and made in my whole life. I am tilling that soil. I am tending it. Fertilizing it with ideas that might work or things I want to try, even if they are not directly related to my long term goals. I am trying to get rid of the destructive or negative things in my life, purging things that are not useful, pulling weeds and clearing the space to allow things to grow. I am planting seeds, organizing those plans, starting work, trying different things, taking the first steps to make my creative goals come to fruition. (I just realized that you can really tell that I am the granddaughter of a farmer, even if I'm such a city girl, I learned a lot from him.)

This season in my creativity is a very frustrating one, knowing that I have to wait to get to the full fruited productivity I want. But at the same time, it feels good, itchy and antsy, but good, to know that the process has started over again, the first steps have been made, the journey has begun.

I think the most important thing about this stage of creativity, or about creativity in general, is to remember that you need to TRUST THE PROCESS. The silence is not wrong. It is a sign that something is growing underground and you need to sit back and let it. It is a sign that you need to prepare yourself for the hard work of tending and watering and harvesting. Don't resist the process, don't despair because you feel like you can't break through. Have faith that this is the way it works. Don't give up, keep working at it, keep looking for ideas, keep practicing new skills, keep organizing and planning, keep trying new things, keep being inspired by the world around you and the world inside of you. Keep showing up to the page. Trust and don't give up. This whole post is beginning to remind me of this one, from years back. But that doesn't surprise me, the lessons I need to learn keep popping up in my life.

What are some ways you've managed to break through those fallow periods and get back to creating?

Be Brave, you are stronger than you think

Be Brave, you are stronger than you think
watercolor, ink, pencil, clear wax crayon
5"x8"

Some days, things just seem awful scary and overwhelming. The closer you get to things that really matter, they easier it is to invent fears that can stop you.

Today I woke up to face things (that weren't threatening) which made me me inexplicably nervous, so I painted this to remind myself to be brave. Courage is not about not being afraid, but rather about facing up to your fears and forging ahead.

Be Brave you are stronger than you think (detail)

This is the most important part of this little reminder, in my book.

The thing is that, even though we are afraid that things won't turn out the way we want, or things might go wrong, or we might be hurt or we might put something important on the line only to have to rejected, the truth is that even if things DO go wrong, we can make it through. We have before.

We are strong. We are resilient. We are smart enough to figure out what to do next. Even failure does not have to stop us... as long as we are brave enough to keep trying, to risk ourselves, to do what really matters and commit no matter what the outcome might be.

Bravery is how we overcome those odds. And every time we are brave, every time we conquer that fear, we get a little step closer to being the person we want to be. And every time we take that difficult step, we make the next brave step that much easier. I would much rather be in the habit of facing my fears straight on than hiding from them. Turning off the light. Pulling the blanket up over my head.

Being brave gets you a lot farther in life.

When's the last time you were faced with an opportunity to be brave and do something you knew was the best thing to do? How did you overcome your fears and find your courage?

Two Steps Forward One Step Back (don't give up)

Two Steps Forward One Step Back...(don't give up) [detail]
journal pages, stamps, watercolor, gold sharpie

My intentions this spring have been to get back to journaling, writing, painting, blogging and various other creative, business and real world ventures. I was doing ok, getting my momentum going when, blam! from out of nowhere, I got a stomach virus which knocked me out for a couple of days and left me limp for a week.

So here I am recovering, looking at my blog and my journal and avoiding looking at my lonely novel in need of revision, and feeling entirely dissatisfied and unproductive and just plain BAD. I feel like I CAN'T do it, I CAN'T paint, CAN'T write, CAN'T get back to that place where I want to be.

And then I remembered... this is the process. This is the way growth works. Not all at once, not in a smooth upward climb towards success, but in fits and spurts and moments of going nowhere and then bursts of energy.

I have not been defeated by my momentary illness, it's just another one of those knock-backs, just the step in the wrong direction before I find my right direction again.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back (don't give up)
Journal Spread, watercolor, stamps, sharpie

I did some journaling yesterday, also, thinking about my bad feelings and negative reaction to not being able to get my creative mojo back up after being ill, and I thought..."Well, hey, what if it was my first grade son who was having these feelings of inadequacy? What would I say to him?" And here is what I came up with.

My Advice to My Son

• Keep trying. Don't give up because it is difficult or seems like it isn't going anywhere. Keep trying and you'll figure it out.
• Pay attention to your progress. Look back at where you were last week, or last month, or the beginning of the year, and see how far you've come and what you've accomplished. If you could do it then, you can do it now.
• Practice makes you better. Even if you aren't great at something right now, the more you practice it, the better you will get and the more you will learn. Learning is a process, and it takes the struggles to get somewhere.
• Sometimes, mistakes are good. We learn from our mistakes. We learn what doesn't work and we learn what does work. We're supposed to make mistakes because we're learning new things.
• It's okay if you don't get it right or do it perfectly, because once you try, you can look at what you've already done and fix it so that you like it better.
• Sit down and concentrate. Take it slowly and be careful. And for goodness sake, stop fidgeting and wiggling and stop watching the tv (or in my case, looking at the internet).
• Stop looking for excuses and do it now. 15 minutes on the timer. GO!
• Trust yourself. You are smart enough. You are good enough. You can figure it out.
• If you can't figure it out, that's okay.  We'll figure it out together. Or we'll look it up. Or we'll ask for help. We don't have to know everything and we don't have to get it perfectly.

It's funny how much of my advice to my son when he has been learning how to read and write and do math and develop work habits and get homework done and become a good student can help me in my attempts to become a better artist, writer, blogger etc. Even if I'm not new to this game like he is, but when you've been knocked back by the winds of growth, it can seem like you're a beginner again. It's not such a bad idea to treat yourself like that beginner and give yourself the room to make mistakes, to be imperfect, and to not have things all figured out.

La Pintura On The Way Back

La Pintura, articulated paper doll.

paper, giclee print, metal brads

Long time no see.

I've been in hiding. Well, not really in hiding so much as in a fallow period. Busy with daily life and silent on the outside. But at the same time, I feel a lot of work has been going on under the surface, even if my forward momentum seems to have stalled.

But the way my life works, I've found this is actually a normal part of the process. Again and again, I've gone through quiet, struggling periods of life, where art is silent and the transformation process is dark and quiet.

It would be easy to get stuck there, to think, "I have creative block," or "I give up," or "I just can't do it, my life is too difficult to allow these goals in." But the truth is, my goals as an artist and a writer are not just something that comes from the outside, they are a part of me. Even when I'm not painting or writing, I still feel that urge, and it gets stronger and stronger until I have to work my way back. Because I am just who this Paper Doll says I am. I am The Painter. And I am The Writer. I am the Artist even if she's quiet sometimes.

So here I am working my way back, trying to find the right steps to take me back to creativity and productivity. That's okay. Remember, this si part of the process. I'm beginning to remember creativity as a choice, a daily choice. I'm beginning to remember myself as the creator, even at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and have been taking care of other people all day long. Part of taking care of myself is creating things.

So.

So then. The baby steps I am taking are towards recommitting to art and writing. I have begun painting again, little things in my journals. I took out my new-used sewing machine for the first time and gave it a whirl. I went back to my old novels and read them over to get ready for a new commitment to nanowrimo.org.

Yes, I'm going to try to write a novel in November, again. I am very worried, to tell the truth. I've met the goals every year for the last five, but this year, my habits are so poor and my mind is so out of writing that I am concerned that I won't be able to get the writing juices flowing and actually sit down at the computer every day.

So I am afraid. And that means I have to do it. Is fear what has been stopping me all along? Am I just using busy-ness and fallow-ness as an excuse for not doing it?

Well, I'm going to try again. I'm going to go for the daily commitment. And I might as well do Art Everyday Month, too. Commit to a daily creative practice and it will come back, I know this. Because for all I've been "The Mom" all this summer and autumn, I really am "The Artist." I am "The Writer." I am "The Painter." It's just who I am, and I am going to find a way to integrate all these parts of me. I just am.

Wish me luck.

This Is the Life You Are Meant To Live

This Is The Life You Are Meant To Live

pencil and repurposed menu

Hi.

It's been a long time. My blog absence doesn't represent anything sinister... or rather, it does, because right after I wrote the last entry, I came down with the flu, and that's pretty sinister.

So.

Two and a half weeks later and the cough is fading, the fatigue is still hanging on a bit, and the shakes are trembling a little less than yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it will never go away, but it is, slowly, and in its own time.

I actually started this post two weeks ago, but never had the gumption to finish it.

The drawing above is one of those things I do at work when I'm waiting. It's when I'm looking for the wisdom that I need to hear.

And I think I needed to accept my winter for what it was. Not a season of action. A fallow period. A time to rest and recuperate. A time to let the snow fall and cover the land. Still and white and cold.

The work is going on underneath all that chill.
This is my old Winsor Newton travel paint set. It's about 15 years old. I feel something growing in me that wants to start painting again. But something is also holding me back. Is it my own personal winter?

Well, this is March. March is the turning point. Winter ends. Spring begins. The snow melts.

It's time for me to start over, I think. Renewal.

If I have to, I will start over from the beginning. I will take babysteps. I will go back and learn all over again how to be brave. How to be productive. How to keep moving forward.

I've done it before.

However, I am not starting from the same place. Each time I start over, I am farther along on my journey.

You see that old paint set? That has painted hundreds of works of art. It may be quiet right now, but it has a history. I have already come far, and I know that I can go farther still. My path may have bumps and pauses, but it is my path.

And I'm still going, baby step by baby step.