Living This Season As It Is

Working with the kids on papier mache Harry Potter wands.

The summer time is in midswing.

The days are long, stretching into the night. The heat is sweltering. School is out and the kids are home and looking for trouble.

In my mind, I think of summer and a time of relaxation, vacation and the opportunity to really get into projects I want to do.

But the reality is that, as the mother of two still young children, there is no vacation for me in summer.  This is not my vacation, but theirs. I am back on duty as a nearly full time stay at home mom. However my job outside of the home isn't lightened during these times, in fact, this is the busy season for us so my hours are a little longer at that, too.

The problem arises here, when my reality does not live up to my expectations. Just like when you go to a movie, expecting it to be AWESOME and it is just "meh." If you had sat down in the theater without those grand expectations, you would have enjoyed the movie, called it "fun" and been pleasantly surprised. But because you believed it should be something more, something other than what it was, you get cranky, and dissatisfied.

So my summer is like a blockbuster movie that failed to live up to my expectations. I thought I would get back to writing, whip my house into shape, shape up that fabulous Harry Potter party for the boy, paint every day, build my etsy shop into a behemoth, keep my kids from the summer slide and create fabulous games and activities for them every day.

Really... there are still only 24 hours in the day, and there was no way my summer could live up to these grand expectations. Especially since with every goal that I did not meet, I got more and more disgruntled, pouty, even.

This is not the fault of my summer.  The summer is what it is. The kids are running wild and watching far too much tv. I am going to work 5 days a week and coming home 3-6 hours later. The pumpkin seeds we planted are a bust. The kids' reading program plans lost steam, slumping along like summer slide fashion. I have far less time to myself as I am waking up later, since the kids don't need to get to school early and the kids are staying up later with the sun, so that means writing is pretty much out. I can do some creative things while the kids are with me, but I can not get the focus together to really write intensely when the girl wants my attention every 5 minutes and I am refereeing sibling fights every other 5 minutes.

OK.

Well the point of all this is that in order to be productive and enjoy the life that we have, we must accept the season that we are living. This season is summer. It is not the summer of my childhood, with endless days stretching out unmarked (or it isn't for me, that's MY kids' summer.) Nor is it the summer of my teaching days, when my hard work during the year was punctuated by glorious days where I could write and paint and really get down to the work that I had to put aside during the work year.

No, this is the busy mom summer I have. To accept it as THIS summer, means I don't expect it to be the lazy summer of my childhood, or the painting/writing summer of my pre-child days. To accept it as THIS summer means I enjoy making crafts with my kids, or staying up late with them, watching favorite movies from my own child hood (that's right, ET, I'm talking to you). It means researching and experimenting with ideas that will create my son's dream Harry Potter party, even if I think I should go even farther and make it even fancier, even though I am not a professional party planner with unlimited resources and dedicated time. Accepting this summer as it is means letting myself be lazy sometimes, and not expecting constant productivity.

Perhaps it also means letting go of the disappointment that I am not in another season, where I can do each and everything on my dream to do list.

The dream to do list is not about reality, see? So why hold onto it? Why not just accept that this is my season, and the best I can do is to make it the best season it can be, to appreciate it for what it is.

What season are you in right now? Are you accepting it for what it is, or are you wishing for some other summer? Some other springtime or autumn?

Choose Happy

Choose Happy

Happiness is a choice.

It's odd to think that. It's not a destination you reach. It's not a thing you can buy. It's not something other people give you. It is a choice.

You choose to be happy. You choose to release the things that bring you down. You choose to focus on those lovely things that fill you with joy. You choose not to criticize. You choose to accept yourself. You choose to accept your life as it is.

But how can you choose to accept a life that is a struggle, a life that "doesn't make you happy?"

I don't think that accepting your life for what it is means you are giving in to the struggles. Rather, it's the reverse. When you accept that your life is your life is your own, you gain freedom from what holds you down.

It seems paradoxical, but it's true. When you stop resisting your life and start accepting it, you gain power. Your attention slides from what is wrong, what shouldn't be, what is frustrating you, to what is working, what can be improved, what is beautiful.

Does the negative go away? Well, the situations might go not go away, but your perception of them changes. And as your perception changes what once made you frustrated and unhappy releases its hold on you.

Honestly, this is something I am working on. It is the simplest thing in the world, but it is very hard. And I am not there yet. Accept the life I have. Let go of the resistance. Move forward in joy.

Choose happy

How do you "choose happy" in your life?

Celebrate the Process, Not Just the Successes

YES champagne charm celebration card

I made this little charm greeting card for a celebration, combining the banner and champagne glass that I painted and cut out a while ago with the golden beads and fishing line, the stamped backdrop and the fancy edge. I even added a gold edging with paint.

I think it's important that we remember to celebrate the moments of our lives. Sometimes they can be small moments, like a success with a new craft project...and sometimes they can be big moments, like a wedding or a new baby. Usually, they're something in the middle.

Butterfly Charm celebration card

Sometimes, I forget to celebrate my successes, and I get wrapped up in the hard work that I still have to do. Or worse, I get wrapped up in the things that DON'T work out, and I forget to celebrate the things that do.

I like the idea of sending cards to people in celebration. It's a little way to make their day special. Maybe we should send cards more often, write letters more often, celebrate people for smaller reasons or life in progress.

"I love what you're doing with your blog!"

"Your son is getting to be so grown and cute. You are a great mom!"

"I'm so proud of you for going for your dreams!"

"You are so brave, no matter what happens. You never give up!"

"Boy oh boy are you a good cook!"

I think I need to send more cards, because I certainly know people who are being brave and trying new things and putting all the daily effort into things that won't see results for years and years.

And I also need to find ways to celebrate my own process, my own small efforts on big journeys. Because I have them, even if I tend to gloss over them and instead just see where I'm falling short. What can a celebration consist of? My daughter always wants birthday candles and sprinkles... I guess there's something to that. My son wants seafood. That's what he wants, shrimp and calamari and mussels. They both like staying up late, popcorn with movies, sparklers, parades and free toys. What do I like? Chocolate, margaritas, cafe dates with myself where I get to write in my journal, sitting on the porch painting, home baked desserts, new books, new art supplies, buying a print from etsy.

I think I need to make a list of all the things I like to do for celebration, and then, when something good happens, I need to pick something from the list and do it.

What are ways that you celebrate your little successes in your daily life? How do you honor the steps forward that you've made?

Magnolias or Spring Always Comes

Magnolias, or Spring Always Comes

I took this picture on the way to work this week. The weather was astonishing. Warm, sunny, with bright blue skies. Flowers were popping up everywhere and the grass was growing velvety and rich.

Spring was here!

It always surprises me, spring. It's like I can't believe winter will let go of its hold. I can't believe the bare branches will grow leaves or the temperature will rise or things will get a little bit easier without mittens and hats and bulky coats.

But it doesn't matter how hard the winter has been, it is an unassailable truth that spring always comes.

After I took this picture (it has been an uncommonly mild winter and early spring, actually) we actually got a cold snap and all those pretty, creamy white and pink flowers turned brown and dropped off, but even so, spring will not be held back.

Spring is my favorite season. It's not just the warm breezes and flowers, but the reminder that life always comes back around. It's how I remember to trust that I can get back to being productive and creative. It's how I remember that even when life seems still and sleepy and inactive and even dead that when it is time everything will blossom and come to life again.

Spring also reminds me that it is hard work to blossom. It looks effortless from the outside, but it is hard work to get those energies stored up, to pull in the sunlight, to wake up again. Or at least I imagine it is. I imagine the cold little budlings and hibernating animals to be like little factories in their underground burrows and bulbs, chugga chugging into gear as we get nearer to the sun and the the seasons change.

Oh look at me getting all poetical and such.

Spring does that to me.

Time for me to go off and plan my blossoming now.

Patience

Patience

ink, watercolor pencil, paper

(can you see the little green buds?)

Ahh, my friends. This process of revising, of getting my head on straight, of organizing my ideas and regaining my creativity? It takes a lot longer than I would like.

The world does not become what you want it to, just because you decide it should be that way.

For that matter, it's not just creative projects.

My kids do not clean up after themselves, no matter how much I want them to keep track of their game pieces or put their books in the book shelf. And the economy does not improve just because I have decided that I am done being at its mercy.

And again, spring does not come just because I am sick of winter.

It is cold and cold and cold, and there's a warm day, and then the snows come, and then it's cold and there's a warm day, and the snowdrops sprout, but not the daffodils, and then the grass blooms, but not the trees, and then it snows again, and then it melts and then the rain comes and comes and comes and comes. And it really seems like it will never be green, and never be bright and never be warm.

But spring comes when it is ready. Spring comes when it has gone through its own process that may or may not be frustrating to us. And then the skies are blue and the trees bud and the tulips smile, and spring is here, it's really here.

Whatever it is you want to develop, whether it is that novel, or that art, or those children or that love or that business, or that stability... it comes in its own process. We work. We strive. We keep at it and never give up, and when it's ready, in its own process, it will bloom.

And we should remember to love it, whatever it blooms into.

Of Martha Stewart, Supermoms, and Just Plain Ole Me

Girl and Ghost at Dusk

I've been gearing up for Halloween round these parts, feeling like, between work and writing and sleep and cooking and caring for kids, I am not stepping up to the kind of Halloween I feel I should be doing.

I know it's silly and perfectionist and SuperMom (in a bad way) but I still feel guilty for not doing the Halloween party and not hand making the vampire cape (or not even hemming it, when I cut the adult one down to size) or not doing the jack'o'lantern early. But there it is. We don't need a handmade vampire cape. The squirrels would eat the jack'o'lantern, were I to carve it, and to be honest, I just don't have it in me to host a kids party.

So. I shall focus on the things I have been able to do.

Like the ghost flying on the porch. With the girl (demon-child) dancing along. (Easy DIY-- Two lengths of tulle, wrapped around some scrunched up bubble wrap for a head, tied with a strip of tulle and thumbtacked to the porch, allowed to blow in the breeze.)

Or like the spider ring. Plain, 20 cent plastic spider rings, but with some gel medium and a dusting of glitter, something that a princess might wear. I also did a black one dusted in red glitter, especially for a little vampire that I know. But he's taken it off to his kindergarten Halloween party, and I am too slow to photoshoot.
Or this... My silhouettes of crows. I will show you at a later date what I did with these guys.

So what if I have done all my Halloween preparations in the last couple of days. When did we start doing holidays a month before the date, anyway.

Hey, I'm not Martha Stewart. I'm not even the bootleg Martha Stewart. I'm too busy with other stuff. And that's okay.

We don't have to live up to the perfectionist standards of those who make a living off of their housewifery. And we don't have to pretend we are super beings able to leap tall to do lists in one bound.

We are just people. And we have goals and yearnings and struggles and talents and imperfections and exhaustions and realities to live. We are just who we are, what we are, when we are.

And that is just fine.

Happy Halloween, at any level of celebration.

Right Here, Right Now.

Gorgeous Fall

So here we are, mid October. I'm working a lot, both at my paying job and with my writing and my art.

I am also working really hard at living my life.

By that, I mean I am trying to enjoy my life. Trying to be present in the moment. To not wish it away on future goals and long lists of what I have to/want to do.

You know what helps with that?

When I walk out of my front door in the morning and take my five minute walk to work, up the street lined with red, orange, yellow, tan, brown, and occasionally purple trees.

I have lived in Florida the last two Autumns, so I missed the perfect Fall. Here I have it. The weather alternates between warm and sunny, and crisp and cool.

And I am perfectly aware, as I walk up that perfect Fall street, with the charming houses, and the crunch under my feet of fallen leaves, and the warm sun and the cool breeze, that this is the only moment of this that there will be.

Tomorrow, more leaves will fall, and the branches will bare, and the weather will get colder. There might be wonderful things about tomorrow, but it won't be today. So perhaps we should revel in the today while we have it.

I haven't finished my author's outline yet, or the synopsis of my novel, or my agent research. Still working on it all. I don't have any new creations to show up here in my blog. My etsy shop is limping along, not getting as much attention as I'd like. I'm still working with my son on his writing, that he feels like he can't do. The house continues to be halfway to a shambles.

But my morning constitutionals are like walking through sunshine made solid. And the air smells somewhat spicy, like cinnamon. And I actually HAVE finished my novel, more so than I've ever done in my life. And finances are stable for the moment. And work is a good place with good people. And the kids are strong and happy and growing up. And it's all good, right now, in its never doneness.

Right here, right now, what is good with you?

Porch Tent Club House

Porch Tent/Club House

plant hanger, bed sheet, hooks and nails, twine ties, rug, pillows, books, popcorn, kids

53/100 in 100 days creative challenge.

This is not something I can sell on etsy or carry around with me to show I'm creative. But this is a big part of what living a creative life means to me, now that I have kids.

They wanted a club house, I thought, gee, what can I rig together? I came up with this, from mostly nothing, and I am kind of proud. It only lasted a couple of hours before being pulled down, but nobody said creativity had to last forever like the Parthenon.

Yesterday, I counted out the days in my 100 days of creativity challenge and discovered that while 53 works of creativity is pretty good, I am actually supposed to be on 73.

Whoops. I am 20 days behind. Almost three weeks down in the hole.

But the odd thing is, I'm not that far behind at all. I have a bunch of pieces that I am half way done with. I'm kind of sitting on them, rather than posting them unfinished. And there are also a bunch of pieces that I don't really like. I don't post them because I look at them and I get grumpy and I abandon them midway.

I think I've forgotten about my self imposed rule of counting everything I do, whether or not it is great, whether or not the cranky insecure gremlin in me says it is not Art with a capital "A".

I've also forgotten the value I got from posting whatever I had that day, whether or not it was good. Or finishing the work whether or not it was going in the right direction... or at least the direction I wanted it to go.

Real creativity is not about coming up with the best painting. Real creativity is not about always being perfect or about always getting things right.

Real creativity sees what is and makes the best of it. Real creativity takes the journey, even though the road gets bumpy sometimes. Real creativity says "screw the rules of creativity, I am who I am."

So all in all, once again, just like abundance, creativity is about valuing what is there, instead of getting stuck in what should be. Even if sometimes you end up futzing with what is there until it gets to be where you want it to be.

Hmm. That's interesting. I never really noticed that there was a connection between creativity and abundance, but really, they go hand in hand.

Creating is about making things real. Growing things. Painting things. Cooking things. Cobbling things together. Making things beautiful and/or meaningful and/or useful. Taking what you have and turning it into something.

Abundance is almost the result of that creating. Yes? No? I'm not sure. It's a thought I had. Does that mean that we can create abundance? That would be nice.

"I could let you out, you know" or Prayer for Freedom

"I could let you out, you know" or Prayer for Freedom

ink and acrylic paint on vintage book page, 7 1/4" x 4 3/4"

52/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I like this feather. Feathers are pretty.

When this page fell out of my Alice in Wonderland book, and I read the words on it (which I often do when trying to come up with a drawing for the page) the image that popped into my head was a feather. Just a feather. And the concept of freedom.

I could go on about what freedom means and the heavy weight of American freedom, history, politics, poverty and slavery. But I won't.

I'm going simply leave it to the feather to speak to freedom.

It's small. It's light. It's miracle of nature. It's beautiful.

And there was one floating around my house, I knew. The kids brought it in. I ran around trying to find it and it was nowhere to be found.

Here I was, desperate for that feather so I could draw it, and I'd just seen it. I wanted to catch the inspiration while I still had the idea. But it was gone.

For a day, I kept the page to the side, hoping to find that feather.

In the end, I found a picture of a feather on line and used that for my drawing.

I keep trying to make this post one that is very deep and heavy, one about not being tied to our previous concepts, or being responsible for what we do with our freedom.

But instead, I'm just going to think of a feather floating on the wind. Or perhaps the bird which that feather came from, flying through the air, heading out for the horizon.

Goddess Abundant, or House Spirit

Goddess Abundant, or House Spirit

cotton, linen, silk, thread, paperclay, acrylic paint, rice. approx. 11" tall

51/100 in 100 days creative challenge, and day 9 of August Everyday

I have been working on this lady for quite some time.

My creative process is starting to take a lot longer than it used to. Sometimes I look back at my previous everyday painting periods and I am amazed that I managed to start and finish so many pieces every single day. Now, I have a tendency to start something, start something else, finish something already started, and then do a project with my kids. I have a zillion projects in process.

This spirit goddess is one of them. I made the head a long time ago, and then I made the body and painted the decoration not too long ago, but I was told it wasn't done. Just in case you are wondering, she herself told me she wasn't done.

Maybe part of the abundance that I've been focusing on is about the wealth of projects, the willingness to explore something new. Like this little House Goddess. She's something new and I was kind of scared to go all the way with her. But when I found the right fabric, there was no reason to let my fear stop me.

Why should we be scared of new things? Why should we be afraid to take those chances on things that could be wonderful? Why should we close our hearts to the possibilities of experimentation and adventure.

You know, there's a lot of fear wrapped up with creative projects. It's amazing. The fear of the blank page. The fear of making mistakes. The fear of letting it go and releasing it into the world. The fear of showing. The fear of declaring that you are worth something. The fear of declaring yourself an artist.

Now how did I get from a post about abundance to a post about fear?

Are these two things connected? Is abundance really more than just having stuff? Is abundance more about being open to the world? Taking chances? Trusting that the universe will provide? Is abundance about saying yes to what you have, the life you live, the gifts you have to give?

Is abundance really about giving?

Well, I think my post has gone off in an unexpected direction. Perhaps my House Goddess is leading me there. What are your thoughts on the matter? What is abundance? What about fear and creativity? And are these things linked?

"What Day," or A Prayer for This Day

"What Day" or A Prayer For This Day

Acrylic and Ink on vintage book page

46/100 in 100 days creative challenge and day 6 in August Everyday

I'm going to try not talking so much on this post.

This drawing is to remind me that today is the day. Every moment of this day grows together to make the whole thing. This drawing is to remind me that the attention I give this moment is what makes the whole life joyous.

May you have a joyous, juicy day.

Juicy, or Prayer for Loving Life

Juicy, or Prayer for Loving Life

Ink and Acrylic on vintage book page

44/100 in 100 days creative challenge and Day 4 in August Everyday

The interesting thing that I found when I started these book pages/prayers/meditations, is that although I created them to focus myself on abundance, to draw abundance (read money) into my life, what they actually started creating was a kind of love of the life I already have, with or without money.

Because the truth is, money doesn't make you rich. Okay, it helps you pay the rent and take fabulous trips and wear trendy clothes, but it doesn't make you rich as a human being, no matter what your tax return says.

What makes you rich beyond reckoning is diving into the life that you have and living every single moment with love and attention.

So much of our lives these days is wrapped up with dissatisfaction. We don't have enough. We aren't where we want to be. Our homes are too small or in the wrong place. Our partners do things wrong. We ourselves are not thin enough, pretty enough, successful enough, talented enough, smart enough... in essence we are just not enough.

But the truth is, the REAL truth is that we are.

We are enough.

And this moment is enough.

Did you hear me? This moment, this one right here, where you're sitting and reading these words, this moment is enough. And in this moment, you are enough, in all your imperfections.

And it is enough that I took this day off of work, even if it was because I didn't have childcare and I needed to stay home from work. There is no lack in that statement. There is only what is. And what is, writing blog posts and making blueberry corn pancakes, and watching these kids tumble and yell across the living room and cleaning up potty accidents and watching the sun and the trees through the window and listening to the birds chirp and Phineas and Ferb on tv having the best summer in the world, and the kids playing telephone with an empty tin can... well, this is all enough.

This is the living of a juicy life. Whenever we accept and love the life we are in, it is a juicy life, no matter what the world says we should be doing. No matter the little gremlins sitting in our ear whispering words of fear and dissatisfaction and insecurity.

You are enough.

Lucky Star Charm or Living the Life You Have

Lucky Star Charm

fabric, felt, thread

37/100 in 100 days creative challenge

Here's another charm I made and sent along with a package.

The more I think about luck, the more I think about life, the more I think that the key to being successful in any of it, is to commit. Commit to whatever it is, just commit.

Part of that is believing that you will have success, having faith that putting all that energy into something will be worth it, and trusting yourself enough to believe that you can handle the results, whatever they are.

So what does that mean? Does that mean that luck is really all about belief?

In a way, it is. Because the more energy you put into a certain thing, the more that will come out of it. It doesn't mean that you believe in one thing to the detriment of reality... in fact, I think it actually is the commitment to What Is that makes it work.

Commitment to that story, that series of paintings, that character, that dance, or that technique because there is something to be found there. Taking it all the way.

Commitment to a style, a belief that what you love is beautiful, so you will wear that scarf, those patterns, and the crazy boots, or decorate your house with those strange things, or paint your shed that crazy color, because you trust your own taste.

Commitment to a relationship, because even though it is hard and your partner might drive you crazy some times, you know that it's the journey you take together that is important, not the perfection of the romantic dream.

Commitment to your children and raising them the way they need to be raised and commitment to recognizing them as individuals and commitment to doing what you believe is best for them. Commitment to being a stay at home mom, or a work out of home mom, or a work at home mom, or the kind of mom who does whatever she must and doesn't worry about what people call it.

Commitment to that dream you have that seems unreachable but won't go away, so you keep trying and keep getting closer, although perhaps the dream evolves as it grows and takes you on unexpected detours.

Commitment to living the life that you are living, not the one that you wish you had, but this one, right here. Commitment to loving what you have.

There is no better luck than to appreciate what you have and to just dive right into it, whole heartedly.That is to live a blessed life, even if we struggle within it sometimes.

This is the luck I wish for us all.

Joyful Heart and the Living

Joyful Heart Charm

Paperclay, acrylic paint and ink

30/100 in 100

How do we go from worrying about a million little (or big) things a day, to paying attention to the little (and big) things that we are living?

I'm not sure. I keep drawing pictures and making charms and writing lists to remind me. I keep taking photos, some digital, some mental. I keep remembering to take deep breaths and let them out again.

A joyful heart helps, I think. A heart in search of joy. A heart that expects joy. A heart that sings and dances and laughs. A whole person that sings and dance and laughs is good, I think.

Sometimes when things get rough and I get uncertain and I have no control over the matter, I start singing show tunes, or 80's pop songs. It's so ridiculous that it makes me laugh. And then I get silly.

What do you do to open your heart to joy? How do you let your joyful heart fill your life with living. Or is it your living that fills your heart with joy?

Flowering Abundance and Saying Yes To Life

Flowering Abundance, or Yes

Acrylic paint, pen, paperclay

29/100 in 100

Here's a new charm. Painted on a hand shaped paperclay pendant.

I've been looking for some good fortune, some luck, some blessings. And so,because of that, I've decided to create some abundance to send out into the world.

The way I look at it, if I send good luck and fortune out to other people, I can't help but get some back. I am making good things happen in the world. I have a tendency to be a little stingy, to hold onto my time or my energy and not give it out, afraid that I won't have more. But I think this world doesn't really work that way. When you put something out there, it comes back. You don't hold onto your love, keeping it to yourself, and expect to get love in your life. In order to have love, you have to give it away.

On one hand, I am thinking of this charm as a kind of lucky charm, a spell, an item infused with good will which can only help draw good energy to itself and its bearer.

On the other hand, when I create something infused with that good will, for abundance or love or understanding or whatever it is, I am also focusing my attention on those good things. I pay attention to them. The act of creating something around the good will causes good will to be born in me. I am more abundant, or loving, or understanding.
back of the charm. Or I suppose front, if you hang it this way.

So let me tell you what I have learned by creating all these pieces of art with abundance at their heart.

Abundance is about creating. Abundance is about loving what you have. Abundance is about using what you have. Abundance is about respecting who you are and where you are. Abundance is about trusting yourself and trusting life. Abundance is about saying yes to the life you have been given. Which is why this piece says "yes."

And here's another yes for today.

I started working on my novel for the first time in forever. For good reasons, a new job, a move, a new house, family obligations, and daily child care, I have not been able to get back to revising my novel. But writers write, despite all the good reasons not to.

So today, I said, "Hey honey, I'm going to go to the library with my lap top, book a study room and get back to work on my novel. Just pretend that I was going to work today. I'll be back around 2 to relieve you in the child care duty."

And he said yes. And he said that we could do this on a regular basis. And he said we would work out a schedule where I could dedicate my time to writing every day or however would work for me.

So I walked the two blocks to the library, and the kids and S came with me, and we ran into the farmer's market in the parking lot of the library, where the kids made pipe cleaner bead bracelets and S got green beans and zucchini.

And then I left them to their adventure and sat down with my novel. Deleting the first chapter (it was a mess) and revising the prologue and the first 8 pages over and over again. It wasn't easy, but I think I am working through some of the tangles that have been stopping me in the story all along. Then I left the library, borroying some movies and running into the book sale at the library. There I bought a bag of books, mostly old favorites that I've lost in the various moves or are still in storage a thousand miles away. And I only spent the money that I would have spent on my treat of coffee.

Here's another thought on abundance.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up with the thought of money, the fear of not having enough, the desire to get more, that we forget that abundance does not really come from having money.

What do you think about abundance and how we find it? Is there anything that works for you?

Take the Time to Have Some Fun and Not Be Pulled Together

Birthday Ice Cream at the Gazebo

I actually have new art work to post, but I do not have a photograph available.

Yesterday was S's birthday, and after our date this weekend and wine and dinner on the deck the night before last, yesterday was a day time adventure.

We drove over to the next town and wandered the sleepy town square for a little while, stopping to have our tasty treats at Dairy Queen. (I'm a New Yorker, along with tornado warnings and cornfields, Dairy Queens are something I don't have much experience with.)

Afterwards we went for a drive and saw fields and factories and flowers and lakes, just for a bit, since S. had to go to work on his birthday. :( But in the end, we are spreading out the birthday festivities through out the week.

While he was at work, the kids and I each painted a present for papa... theirs featuring lakes, and mine featuring a dream.

That's what I have to show you, but for such a simple painting, it sure took a long time to do, and I ran out of time.

That is the story of my life lately. So much to do, run out of time in the middle of things.

But that's okay. It's all a work in progress. Life is part of the progress. And sometimes we have to get messy before we get all pulled together. And sometime we just have to enjoy the mess that is melting ice cream and a lazy day.

Prayers for the Unkempt Garden

Herbal, or Botanical Prayer
ink and watercolor pencil on vintage book page (Alice in Wonderland)
10/100 in 100 Creative Challenge. 6/19/10

My days of drawing in ink on my old Alice in Wonderland continue.

I have to say, I enjoy the prayer like aspect of it. Very much. I keep wanting to take my book with me, like to the grocery store, or when I dropped my almost 5 year old off at the week long preview of kindergarten. (Yes that's right, he's off on his first flight without mama. Can't wait to hear about his adventure.)

I do a little in the morning before work. I do a little at night in front of the tv. I sit on the deck in the sun and draw, while the kids meet neighborhood cats and dogs, after picking blackcap raspberries in our new yard.

Here I've drawn the spindly basil that I bought but haven't had the opportunity to plant into the container herb garden I am planning for the back deck. I've decided to stick to containers, because a whole yard intimidates me, and besides, the deck really is the sunniest spot in my yard surrounded with pines and maples and cottonwoods and mulberry trees.

I am surrounded by plants. And they are really seeping into my soul, I think. This is a very lush land, almost as lush as Florida, but cool. I wouldn't be surprised if bugs started showing up, too... this is a land of bugs, too. Something my budding kindergardner loves.

Also on this drawing is a sketch inspired by/copied loosely from the cover of my old Alice in Wonderland book.




Do you see it there in the gold? I am trying to resist adding gold to my little prayer/drawings. Maybe I shouldn't resist. Don't be surprised if gold starts showing up. I still feel a little guilty about breaking up this book, but it was already well loved when I got it. Already had been sketched in by children, so I just went with it. And it has served as so much inspiration and creation to me, I think it was worth it that this old lady has sacrificed herself for my art. She is still loved, just in a different incarnation.

Not only loved, but she is helping me learn to love my own life, as it comes, imperfect and messy.

No Day But To Day, or Sun Prayer
ink on vintage book page
11/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/19/10

Here is another drawing I did on the day of blackcap raspberries and neighborhood pets. That night I sat down to draw, not knowing what I was doing, but feeling the need to draw a sun, the sun the shines down on us and helps us grow, gives us energy, feeds us, allows us to live. Us, everything, everyone, life on Earth.

What a wonderful sun. What a wonderful world where a design made decades ago can inspire something wild, something precious. This drawing here is still influenced by the front cover, but it's wilder, no longer symmetrical, a little ugly. But while I was drawing it, the song from Rent kept going through my head, and so did memories of picking raspberries, and getting bit by mosquitoes, and the taste of cold iced coffee in the hot sun, and music floating on a summer breeze, and the flickering shade of tall trees. And you know what?

I felt a little bit of the weedy unkempt garden within me begin to bloom. And it was beautiful. And it was sweet. And it was tart. And it prickled me when I moved wrong. And it was life.

Bloom, or A Prayer In My Hand

Bloom, or A Prayer in My Hand
Ink on Vintage Book Page (Alice in Wonderland)
9/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/18/10

I think I've found something in these Wonderland drawings. Like yesterday, I realize that this is a type of prayer. The detail of the drawings, the attention paid to the inking... I like that you can see the pen strokes. I don't want it to feel like a computer did this. I want a viewer to be able to see the work that has gone into this, the touch of the hand.

This is not the first time that I have done these hand outlines. More than once in the past couple of decades, I have turned to the hand outlines when I did not know what to create. Something about putting the image on the paper means I am free to explore whatever I can do with it. So much more comforting than the blank page. A place to start. A boundary within which to create.

More than that, these hands represent to me personal agency. This is MY hand. My hand was laid on the page. I traced the very outline. There was direct skin to paper contact. This is MY hand. I make this. It is within my control, my power to create these drawings. And more than that, it is within my power to create the kind of life I want to live.

Whenever I start to feel up in the air and a little bit lost with where I am going and who I am, doing a few of these hand drawings/paintings grounds me. Allows me to remember that my life is within my control.

This one here? This one is about abundance. I think I will be doing a whole series about abundance, actually. I am beginning to imagine them fastened casually to the wall in a type of installation. I am a bit worried that they might get a little worn like that, but, just like the hand pressed to the page, I like the immediacy of just tacking them to the wall. I don't want a barrier of a frame and mat and glass. I want them present as an object, not divided by the objectification of a formal frame.

Perhaps I have been watching too much Work of Art. I think I am going to art school or something.

Live This, or A Prayer

Live This, or A Prayer

Ink on Antique Book Page (Alice in Wonderland)

8/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/18/10

I am trying to find my voice.

"WhaaAT?" say you. "Ain't you the girl who has all these Flying Girls floating around the internet?"

Why yes, yes I am, and yet still, I am searching for my voice.

I mean, I have a voice. I have been singing out loud for many years now, writing, drawing, painting, teaching, creating things, standing my ground. And yet, sometimes I feel as if there is more to discover.

I have no answers. I have no definitive description of my voice. And maybe this is good. It's possible when we have "figured out" who we are, we become landlocked in our own understanding of ourselves, and stop growing.

I go through periods where I explore certain things. I think Flying Girl lasted more than a year. That's pretty intense. And even now, she pops up without much conscious thought. She's still part of who I am. She is still part of my vocabulary. She shows up in different media. And the different media end up becoming part of my vocabulary.

Hmm. What if Flying Girl is actually my way into the new explorations. A kind of rosetta stone that can open up new languages in my creativity? That makes her pretty valuable.

This drawing, for example. No. There's no Flying Girl, not yet, but don't count her out. Actually, this drawing is pulling on an older language in my art. The doodles. The flowers. The houses. I really want the houses to come back, but I am looking for their way in. I just haven't found it yet. But I am liking the doodles/botanical inspiration.

To tell you the truth, drawing these is almost like meditation. It's kind of nice. I forget about that aspect of art sometimes. I forget how close to spirituality my art feels sometimes. I don't know if anyone else gets that when I they look at my work, but for me, art is near to my religion. My mixed up, made up, anti establishment, personally created spirituality/religion.

This piece here... this is like a prayer.

The Woods are Full of Wildflowers (and bugs)

The Woods are Filled with Wild Flowers

and they smell divine!

I only have a moment to post here. I know this is a holiday weekend and so many of you have delightful plans, exploring and enjoying, traveling and cozying. I wanted to wish you all a good weekend.

Maybe you can find a roadside wood filled with purple flowers, and finally, after saying, "I should stop and take pictures" a million times as you pass, actually put your boots on and tromp through the high grass. Stand in the shade, with the weeds waving around you in the breeze, breathe in the sweetness of the flowers, blink at the patches of bright sun. And really live right there in the moment.And if you brought with you a boy who wants to go explore the creek and find slugs and bugs and other creepy crawlies, and a girl who does not like having weeds taller than her head with spiders and other creepy crawlies and just wants to go home... well it's all part of the moment. To be lived, armful of flowers and whining three year old included.

Well I'm off to work three doubles this weekend. And then when I I'm not moving, move to a new apartment down the street.

I get the feeling this will not be a wildflower weekend for me. Although it will be full of adventure.

I guess it's all about living the adventure you're given.

Happy Holiday!