Shooting in the Dark

Shooting in the Dark

One night, past sundown, I was sitting in a lovely little waterside bar, with my new camera beside me. I had missed the sunset, arriving just a bit too late. It was getting darker and there wasn't much to see.

My plans for capturing the sunset had failed, but I said to myself, "self, what do you have to lose?" And I picked up the camera and took a picture. Even though it was too dark to really see. Even though I'd tried dark shoots with my old, crappy camera, and it was always a crap shoot.

And then I looked at the picture I had just taken.

Water!
Egrets!
Boat!
Pilings!
Nature Preserve!
Deep blue with just a touch of pink!

Now, I am not a professional photographer. I just like to play with pictures and capture pretty things. I consider it a hobby and a tool, and myself an amateur. I couldn't tell you why this camera takes such better pictures although my uncle the photographer tried to explain it to me. I can't explain anything about apertures or shutter settings. I forgot that after my long ago high school photography class. I am relieved to not have to deal with developing or chemicals or any of that stuff from the last generation. I just like to be able to play.

And I can also recognize when an image sizzles.

Here's the lesson I learned.

Take the chance. Even when you are not sure what might come out, what the results might be. Even when you feel like you don't know what you're doing and you have missed your opportunity. You have nothing to lose. Take the chance. Even though you feel like you are going blind and don't understand anything, trust yourself and take the chance.

It might not end up like what you expected.

It might be better.

Reintegration and finding yourself not lost

Reintegration by Rowena Murillo

There are times on our journey where we might find ourselves lost.

The answers that we are accustomed to do not address the questions that we are being asked.

We might find ourselves confused, and aimless, at a loss.

What now?

Here's something that I have learned over my long journey.

These times of crisis are not a failure, they are part of the process.

The important questions will be asked again. The important answers will have meaning again. And the important paths are the ones we are still walking, even though the signposts no longer show us the way.

Keep going.

You will find yourself again.

In Which The Psyche Throws A Temper Tantrum

YES (nononononononono...)

I've been thinking about this post for a while. And each time I think about it, I don't do it.

It's about resistance.

We've decided that we are going to do something. We are going to change our lives. We're going to reach for our goals. We're going to go for that thing that we've always wanted but haven't been able to do and then, we say YES, now it's time for me to achieve.

And we make our goals and set up our tasks and shoot for the stars.

And then we come upon the resistance.

We choose not to sit down and write. Or we pick up that bag of cookies. Or we turn on the tv instead of making those phone calls... whatever it is.

Part of this process of changing our lives and taking action on our dreams is facing resistance.

When we make our commitments, the little angry, scaredy cat inside of us all of a sudden gets really loud and demanding. It doesn't like the idea that it is losing power. The 'no's get louder. The 'yes'es get overwhelmed. It finds its ways to be the center of our attention, to stop the forward momentum that will leave it behind, to be in control of your life.

And this is part of the process.

We all face resistance. We all back slide. We all have roadblocks of our own device. We all have fears and anxieties that flare up and take over like a toddler.

It's okay. You don't have to let the the resistance win.

When my kids have a temper tantrum, I tell them that it's okay for them to feel their upset, to be angry or afraid or hurt, I tell them that their feelings about things are valid, but it is not okay for them to take out their upset on other people, or use that upset to control the family. I send them to their room to feel their anger. I sit with them and talk to them about it.  I ask them if they're ready to move on. I talk to them about what they could be doing now if they weren't having a temper tantrum. I ask them what they'd really like to be doing. And when they are done being upset, they come out of their room and we move on with our day.

That's a child. Your own resistance is something different.

Breathe through it. Relax into it. Accept that your fears and anxieties are valid feelings, but may not reflect the reality of the situation. Acknowledge the resistance. Recognize that this is part of our defense mechanism that has served to protect us. It may not be what we need right now to move forward, so pay attention to the voices that are resisting your forward movement. Thank them for protecting you. And then tell them that you don't need them right now, you are quite safe already and are intent on moving forward with your goals.

And then do so.

Look Out Now or Flying Girl Makes It Through The Storm

Look Out Now, or Flying Girl Makes It Through The Storm
Pencil, Ink and Acrylic paint on vintage Alice in Wonderland book page
7 1/4" x 4 3/4" on 8 1/2"x 11"

This is my first flying girl in quite some time.

I'm not sure what the lesson here is, unless it's about learning how to breathe again after being buffeted about by the winds of fate.

Or perhaps remembering the lessons that I have already learned.

Or perhaps life is guaranteed to knock you around a bit, but if you manage to come out the other side, it is a lesson, not the doom that it felt like when you were caught in the middle of it.

That sounds suspiciously like "this too shall pass," but that's ok since that's one of my favorite old sayings.

Maybe the wisdom of getting older is learning to hunker down and wait it out, and understanding that there is  always going to be something better on the other side. Time goes faster than we think and we are stronger than we know.

Maybe this is just a reminder. It gets better. We get stronger.

Prints of this painting is for sale here:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/122841807/look-out-now-or-flying-girl-makes-it

There Are No Failures, Not Even This One

Yesterday, I had the sudden urge to carve myself a new shop stamp.

I love all things handmade, and enjoy the thought of doing it myself.

I took my old stamp and inked it onto the new stamp carving material. You see, you have to do the carving in reverse in order to make it work out right when you stamp on paper.

Did any of you catch my mistake?

Oh yeah.

I out clevered myself. Using the old stamp as my outline, I had reversed the reverse and thus when I stamped, it was all wrong.

Unless of course, you hold the paper up to the sun and look through it. Ah. There's my nice stamp.

I really like the hand carved, hand written quality of it. It's what I do, make things by hand, right?

Pardon my issues with things like left and right, reversals, and negatives and positives. It shows up with arithmetic and numbers and even letters sometimes.  It actually turns out that I have a learning disability that I never knew about until I was a grown up. It's called dyscalculia and is like dyslexia with numbers. I can usually logic my way through things, but every so often, my problems come out. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I'd known about this learning disability. I did pretty well in school, mostly by trying to stay as far away as possible from math, but what if I'd had learning strategies? What if I knew why I could never remember how to figure out the math problems at home, even if I'd understood them in school. Who knows what I would have been doing now if I hadn't spent my formative years avoiding math?

Oh, don't worry, I turned my mistake around, literally, and used the backwards stamp to stamp a NEW block of carving material, and this time, when I carved it, it was in the CORRECT direction.

I used it to stamp some cute new little bookmarks for my shop.

This brings me to my lesson for the day.

There are no failures.

There are just steps we take on our journey.

It could all be falling down around your ears, but if you keep going, if you fight your way through, and come out the other side, everything that fell down before becomes something to help you climb higher. Every mistake you make, every flaw you possess leads you to the positive outcomes of your life. Every struggle you fight through, even if you lose, makes you stronger for your next endeavor... which might not be a fight at all, which might be made easier, which might even be a pleasure, because of all the hard lessons you learned in your failures.

The stamp carving went smoothly. I already knew it would work. And I solved the problems of the previous attempt, and I was confident in my abilities, so the tension of tiny work was not there. It went faster and more smoothly.

And voila. I have my stamp. It took a little longer than I wanted, but sometimes that's just the way life is. There are bumps and detours on our life journey.

Maybe it just makes us ready when we get to our destination.

Moving House

Moving House

I've kind of fallen down on my 100 paintings in 100 days. A few days in, I discovered that I'd have to move in two months, and as the days got nearer, the stress and time constraints kept me from painting and even more, from posting.

Now, the 100 days is not actually over yet, so who knows, maybe I will manage to put it all together. I mean, I did do these little houses and charms, and perhaps if I count some of the other things I did, not just paintings, I might not be as far behind as I thought... but my 100 days is not moving smoothly.

Speaking of moving, my move is upon me. Today is the day when we hit the road, so perhaps in a few days when the travel is over and the dust has settled and we are ensconced in our Florida home with the warmer weather, I will come back and show you the plethora of travel themed sketches, paintings, feltie and paperclay projects I have done while riding in the car and trying to keep my kids entertained. I packed a bag with all the things I might need to do so. Wish me luck.

I'm going to take this as a lesson not to take things so seriously, to lighten up and enjoy the ride, even if the ride is bumpy. Perhaps I could have kept up with my painting if I had just remembered to breathe, and to do the work I needed to in the time I had, and then to take a break and do my painting when I needed to.

Oh yeah, I'm also doing nanowrimo.org, even though the first week will be rough in the writing department. I can catch up, I know.  I have always hit my word count, every time I've done it, even if I haven't written a successful novel.

Ah ha. I will take the lessons of my 100 in 100 kerfuffle. Do what I need to do. Take some time to breathe and focus on what I WANT to do. The kids can't talk the ENTIRE trip, right? There will be some time to get some brain space to write, right?  Right?

Oh well, I'll just go with the flow. Let the road rise to meet my feet, er, pen. Ok, enough mixed metaphors. I have to pack the last of the bags in the car and take off.

See ya on the flip side.

Flight, Figure It Out, Ambiguous 26-27/100 in 100 Days

Flight
26/100 in 100 Days Creative Challenge
acrylic on paper

I am falling behind in my challenge. I'm afraid that I've bitten off a bit more than I can chew and it's overwhelming me.

It isn't over yet and I'm still working on things and I still have a couple of finished things that I haven't prepared for posting yet and I have a couple of things that I've started and haven't finished yet, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed by everything.

Having a hard time integrating my wishes for things with how to get them all done.

Figure It Out
27/100 in 100 Days Creative Challenge

Heh heh. Maybe that explains this painting. Trying to figure out all the details. Sometimes I'm just trying to figure out all the artistic urges, but more often than not I'm trying to figure out how to make life work, how to balance life and work and art and kids and all.

Ambiguous
28/100 in 100 days creative challenge.

My paintings are making me a bit dizzy. This one reminds me of Vertigo for some reason, or some other Hitchcockian movie. Maybe it's North By Northwest. Falling, flying, running, tripping, surrendering?

Caught between things.

Lets see if art helps me make sense of it all.

Everything Changes, thoughts on life and non-attachment

everything changes
acrylic and pitt artist pen on paper
5"x8"

I'm not really sure where this came from. I drew it last night in my journal and then painted it this morning.  Well, I painted over it because I didn't like how it turned out.

I was looking at a video of Maira Kalman and I think she inspired me.  I've seen her work before, but I don't think I ever really thought about the woman herself or her philosophy. Anyway, after watching her video and looking at some of the illustrations that went with it, this is what popped into my head. Actually I think I had a different idea, but it was really late and the idea that came to me first would have entailed taking out all my paints and setting up my palette and it was really late. I didn't actually have time to start a whole painting unless I wanted to be up until past 2 am... which I didn't.  So I grabbed some pitt artist pens and started drawing whatever came to mind.

This was the original drawing. I didn't really like the pink-y raindrops and as soon as I added the purple ones I knew I'd made a big mistake.

So this morning, I looked at it again, thinking I might have to scrap it all, and stopped.

I didn't have to accept it as a disappointment. All I had to do was adjust it.

I had that power.

I took out my white paint and painted right over it. A couple coats and it was gone, with only a shadow of the original mistake to prove that I'd learned something.

Then I added my familiar hatchmarks/raindrops/time ticks.

Do I love it? Well, it's not my favorite. But it doesn't have to be a masterpiece.

It reminds me that I am not doomed by the mistakes I have made. It reminds me that every day is another day where we have the ability to act and interact and adjust things and make them work better for us than they do today. The world does not have to remain where it is. In fact, the world never ever remains where it is. It's always turning, always changing. It might seem as if life is static, but that's an illusion that we like to keep because it makes us feel comfortable.

This whole post might seem to contradict yesterday's post where i talk about accepting the season you are living, but in reality, I don't think it does. The thing is, if you accept your life for what it is, you can then work on changing things that actually are there without all the emotional resentment and attachment to the outcome.

I do think that this is the Buddhist concept of non-attachment. It is something that I have struggled with my whole life, really, since I first remember watching an old Sinbad movie, where Sinbad asks the genie what wish he would grant if it were his choice, and the genie grants Sinbad happiness. I remember thinking, "But no! What if his life is no good?  He can't be happy with it! He has to change it!"

But there it is. My journey with the concept of non-attachment started with an old Sinbad movie-- or was it Aladdin? Anyway, I think I've started to come around to realizing that non-attachment does not mean you don't want anything, but that you are not attached to the outcome, your happiness is not dependent upon a certain result. Because the truth is, even if you get that desired outcome, it will never stay. Because life is not static and everything changes.

Everything changes, the good and the bad. If we accept that, and if we accept life as it changes, whether we are directing the changes consciously or just letting it happen, then we can find happiness, even as the world is spinning in seeming chaos.

Well. Those are deep thoughts for the morning. I now have to run and get ready for work. I hope I'm making sense. I'm not sure I'd make better sense if I sat for hours and struggled over every word.  I'm not really sure I have it completely straight in my head, but the thoughts are a process, too, and they too can change.

Living This Season As It Is

Working with the kids on papier mache Harry Potter wands.

The summer time is in midswing.

The days are long, stretching into the night. The heat is sweltering. School is out and the kids are home and looking for trouble.

In my mind, I think of summer and a time of relaxation, vacation and the opportunity to really get into projects I want to do.

But the reality is that, as the mother of two still young children, there is no vacation for me in summer.  This is not my vacation, but theirs. I am back on duty as a nearly full time stay at home mom. However my job outside of the home isn't lightened during these times, in fact, this is the busy season for us so my hours are a little longer at that, too.

The problem arises here, when my reality does not live up to my expectations. Just like when you go to a movie, expecting it to be AWESOME and it is just "meh." If you had sat down in the theater without those grand expectations, you would have enjoyed the movie, called it "fun" and been pleasantly surprised. But because you believed it should be something more, something other than what it was, you get cranky, and dissatisfied.

So my summer is like a blockbuster movie that failed to live up to my expectations. I thought I would get back to writing, whip my house into shape, shape up that fabulous Harry Potter party for the boy, paint every day, build my etsy shop into a behemoth, keep my kids from the summer slide and create fabulous games and activities for them every day.

Really... there are still only 24 hours in the day, and there was no way my summer could live up to these grand expectations. Especially since with every goal that I did not meet, I got more and more disgruntled, pouty, even.

This is not the fault of my summer.  The summer is what it is. The kids are running wild and watching far too much tv. I am going to work 5 days a week and coming home 3-6 hours later. The pumpkin seeds we planted are a bust. The kids' reading program plans lost steam, slumping along like summer slide fashion. I have far less time to myself as I am waking up later, since the kids don't need to get to school early and the kids are staying up later with the sun, so that means writing is pretty much out. I can do some creative things while the kids are with me, but I can not get the focus together to really write intensely when the girl wants my attention every 5 minutes and I am refereeing sibling fights every other 5 minutes.

OK.

Well the point of all this is that in order to be productive and enjoy the life that we have, we must accept the season that we are living. This season is summer. It is not the summer of my childhood, with endless days stretching out unmarked (or it isn't for me, that's MY kids' summer.) Nor is it the summer of my teaching days, when my hard work during the year was punctuated by glorious days where I could write and paint and really get down to the work that I had to put aside during the work year.

No, this is the busy mom summer I have. To accept it as THIS summer, means I don't expect it to be the lazy summer of my childhood, or the painting/writing summer of my pre-child days. To accept it as THIS summer means I enjoy making crafts with my kids, or staying up late with them, watching favorite movies from my own child hood (that's right, ET, I'm talking to you). It means researching and experimenting with ideas that will create my son's dream Harry Potter party, even if I think I should go even farther and make it even fancier, even though I am not a professional party planner with unlimited resources and dedicated time. Accepting this summer as it is means letting myself be lazy sometimes, and not expecting constant productivity.

Perhaps it also means letting go of the disappointment that I am not in another season, where I can do each and everything on my dream to do list.

The dream to do list is not about reality, see? So why hold onto it? Why not just accept that this is my season, and the best I can do is to make it the best season it can be, to appreciate it for what it is.

What season are you in right now? Are you accepting it for what it is, or are you wishing for some other summer? Some other springtime or autumn?

Be Who You Want To Be

be who you want to be
ink and watercolor on paper
7"x7"

Don't wait for life to be perfect and the circumstances to be set up just right and the stars to align to be the person you want to be.

Be who you want to be right now.

It's not about what you have or what you do, it's about what you are. It's about how you feel about yourself and how you present yourself to the world. What kind  of person do you want to be? What calls to you? What makes you feel fulfilled? Who is the kind of person you want to be?

Just be.

Remember that if you have the desire to be that person, then you have the ability inside of you already.

This is not a thing that comes from the outside. It's not about "what" you are. Not a job or profession or title, those are things that you do. It's not about money or possessions. Those are things you have. This is who you are, inside. This is where you put your energy and your focus. This is what you love and desire.

If you want to be patient, kind and focused... be patient kind and focused.

If you want to be passionate, creative and adventurous... be passionate, creative and adventurous.

If you want to be organized, nurturing and loving... be those things.

When you are living into who you want to be, then you can DO those things that you want to do. When you are being who you want to be, and doing what you want to do, then you can HAVE those things you want to have.

This is a shift in perspective that can change the way you view your life. Look inward for your success, strengthen your being so that you can do the things you need to do to have the things you want to have.

It's not the other way around. It's not about having stuff so you can do stuff and that then will make you happy with who you are.

You have to be happy with yourself first, or it's all built on a house of cards.

And as we all know, those card houses... they can come tumbling down at a moments notice.

Start this way:  Make a list of the qualities you would like to have. Write a few pages in your journal or a notebook about the person you would like to be and how those qualities would help you be that person. Think about how being that person would make you feel about yourself. Now write down three things you could do to BE that person, right now. Give it a try. Practice being the person you want to be.

Choose Happy

Choose Happy

Happiness is a choice.

It's odd to think that. It's not a destination you reach. It's not a thing you can buy. It's not something other people give you. It is a choice.

You choose to be happy. You choose to release the things that bring you down. You choose to focus on those lovely things that fill you with joy. You choose not to criticize. You choose to accept yourself. You choose to accept your life as it is.

But how can you choose to accept a life that is a struggle, a life that "doesn't make you happy?"

I don't think that accepting your life for what it is means you are giving in to the struggles. Rather, it's the reverse. When you accept that your life is your life is your own, you gain freedom from what holds you down.

It seems paradoxical, but it's true. When you stop resisting your life and start accepting it, you gain power. Your attention slides from what is wrong, what shouldn't be, what is frustrating you, to what is working, what can be improved, what is beautiful.

Does the negative go away? Well, the situations might go not go away, but your perception of them changes. And as your perception changes what once made you frustrated and unhappy releases its hold on you.

Honestly, this is something I am working on. It is the simplest thing in the world, but it is very hard. And I am not there yet. Accept the life I have. Let go of the resistance. Move forward in joy.

Choose happy

How do you "choose happy" in your life?

Never Give Up (rainbows and light)

don't give up
acrylic on paper
7x7"

This is something that I have to keep telling myself, on a regular basis.

It's hard to remember when you keep trying and don't always see results right away.

When I painted this, I was thinking about dandelions. Dandelions are irrepressible. They keep going, bright and yellow and full of wishes.

And I wanted to add rainbows, because I'm part of the Optimism Crew *pound pound* rainbows and light. 


O.C. IN DA HOUSE!


(Does that sound ridiculous? It made me laugh pretty hard when I tossed up my jazz fingers gang sign at work yesterday.)

You Can Ride This Storm

You Can Ride This Storm
acrylic and watercolor on paper
5"x8" journal page

I painted this gray seascape a few days ago. Inspired by a photo I saw on line and memories of being at the beach in Florida and watching those daily storms rolling across the horizon.

I used the wrong paper and the wrong size brush and it really wasn't planned out right, but it wasn't supposed to be a planned out image. It was the feeling of the moment, something I tried to capture. The truth is, I don't always manage to capture what I want to capture. Sometimes I make something else entirely. And then I look at what I have and say to myself, "Self, what can I do with what I have in my hands?"

I don't always know what to do with it. I haven't found a purpose yet or haven't figured out what I want to see. So sometimes I put the things away until I discover what I want to make out of what I have.

Creative Storm

Today, I have a billion and one projects going on and responsibilities and a mess of nerves.

This is my storm today.

I'm going to remember what it feels like to watch that storm coming in, the wind in my face, the smell of ozone and finally the deluge.

And I'm going to remember also that the storm always passes. The calm returns. 

Remember that you can ride this storm, whatever it is.

Life Rules

Life Rules
pen and paper

The other day I was browsing pinterest and stumbled upon some nice handwritten life rules. I didn't pin it because.... I don't know why, and now I can't find it, but it must have stuck with me, because I took out my journal and wrote up my own life rules.

These are the essence of some of the things I have learned over the course of my life. Much of it is about being creative, but frankly, I think it goes for everything. These are the things I have to learn over and over again, the things that get me somewhere and the things I have to remember when I am lost.

But on the plus side, none of these things are terribly hard things, they take a bit of practice and a bit of faith.

This is about living. This is about getting through. This is about enjoying your life. This is about being on the journey with your whole heart.

If I thought about it for a long time, I could probably come up with even more. But this is what fills the page and I am satisfied. So here she is.  Rowena's life rules.

What would your life rules be? It helps to see them written down.

There Is A Way/ Believe

there is a way/ Believe
journal

Not really sure what to say about this.

I think it's just something we need to remember when we start to feel like we are stuck.

Never give up. There is always a way. If what you've tried before doesn't work, then try something new. A new angle, a new way at it, a different way to look at your goal.

If there is a way, then you can find it.

And there is a way.

Trust Your Wisdom, Owl Paper Doll Greeting Card

 Trust Your Wisdom, Woodland paper doll greeting card

Here is one more paper doll card.

I like him. We all know the owl is wise, that he sees and hears things in the dark that we do not. That he finds his prey and zeroes in on it in silence, with soft wings.  But do we trust the owlness in ourselves?

Do we trust our own wisdom? Our own knowing in the dark? Our own ability to focus in on our goals and get things done?

I think we generally know more than we think we do, it's just that we don't trust our own knowing.

Practice listening to your instincts. Practice believing in our own wisdom. Practice listening in the dark to the hints that say you are on the right path.

 These are the rest of my puppet animal cards. I call this the "Be Gentle" series. They're still in development. I should probably not post them before I have them completely developed, but oh well, I'm big on process here on this little blog.

 I'm not sure if everyone realizes that the floral deer/owl/bunny are actually the back of the painted ones. This was my brainstorm. I was dissatisfied with the plain back and found a way to give it some character. I like this character, particularly with the graphics of the stamped background.

This Be Gentle series is something that I needed to hear for myself. Many of the pieces I make are made because I need to hear something, I need to pay attention to a little bit of wisdom, either something I've found out there in the real world, or something I know inside of myself, but have not really gotten around to paying attention to.

Making these cards is a way that I trust my own wisdom. And posting them for you, believing that other people need to hear the same thing I do. It's a big leap, I know, to think that everyone is in the same place that I am, but I'd rather put it out there for the people who need it and will resonate with it, than keep it to myself out of fear and self doubt.

 Who Who Who
do you trust?
Trust yourself.

Be Gentle To Yourself woodland animal greeting card

Be Gentle To Yourself Woodland Animal Greeting Card

I've shown my little deer before, but I wanted to do something with her. I wanted to also do something with some of the stamps I've been messing around with. 

So this is what I came up with.  I'm creating a set of "Gentle" greeting cards. They come from my woodland animal articulated paper dolls that I made as a favor for my daughter's fairy princess tea party fifth birthday party. To tell the truth, the paper dolls skewed a little too old for five year olds. But I really liked them anyway so I wanted to find something to do with them.

I think one of the ways to be gentle with yourself is to look for the good in things that maybe didn't work out quite the way you wanted them to. Don't toss the baby out with the bathwater, to put it in the vernacular.  

It's very easy to only focus on the negative, and think that what you are doing is failure, or who you are is not good enough. But if you start saying, "okay, that didn't work so well, but let me look for the positives and see how I can use them the next time," then you shift your perception of your work, and yourself to something that is creative rather than destructive. And I have to say, this doesn't only go for creative projects and drafts of art work, but also for real life. I've seen this happen in work situations where people scrap projects because there were failures, without looking to see the benefits. I've seen women do this to themselves by only focusing on trying to change their physical flaws and devaluing their beauties. It happens in relationships where people focus on little things that bother them and don't give credit to the big good things that can fade into the background. I've seen it in pessimistic world views looking for how everything sucks, and missing how everything rocks. Oh yeah, and low self esteem and negative self talk.  You don't suck. You rock.

So practice looking for the positives. Remember that having flaws does not mean you are bad. Remember to pamper yourself and take care of yourself when you're sick.

Here's a photo of my daughter, sitting on the porch wrapped up in her comforter, watching the fog and the traffic, taking it easy, cozying up.  Not pushing. Just enjoying. I should try that. It would be a lesson in being gentle to myself and allowing myself to just be.

 And here's a detail of my card. The other side of the fawn puppet is a print of a small fabric. I made the card stock two ply. I like it for stability and I love the little pattern.

In the end, I want to have four of these gentle paper doll cards. And I'm thinking I'd like also four bold paper dolls... but I really haven't figured out how that will look yet. Luckily, I don't have to force it. I can be gentle for now. The time for boldness is coming soon. The gentleness prepares the way.

Remember to be gentle to yourself when you need it. Don't think you have to be bold all the time.

In Transition, Traveling, or The Creative Process

 In Transition, Traveling

I have found that the process of creativity is a very fluid one. When you are creative, it feels unstoppable, as if it could go on forever and never end. This is just who you are. A creative machine.

But it is an illusion. Creativity ebbs and flows and it has its own journey that is not just about moving forward and being a genius. Creativity is a lot of silence. A lot of waiting. A lot of staring out of the window. A lot of quiet periods where things are growing, developing, and making their way into the light.

I think some people call these creative blocks, but I don't look at it like that. Calling it a block gives the blockage too much power. You focus only on what is not happening, and that is a sure bet that it won't. Instead, I look at these silent periods as fallow periods, part of the natural progression of the creative process.

To me, it is very natural, it is a kind of seasonal thing, although your fallow periods may not coincide with winter/spring/summer/fall. Mine kind of do. I think they are influenced by the mad crafting of the holiday season, the long days of summer, the get back to work time of the fall, and the... well... okay, spring is meant to be renewal and rebirth and all, but to me, so much of it is labor and letting the dark earth and cold rain do its job, while I wait for things to grow.

Hey, look. This is a picture of fields in spring. You notice that the grass is lush and green, but those fields are nowhere near harvest. They're barely even sprouting. I love when my photo/artwork sort of magically starts to fit with my ruminations of the day.

Well let me take my metaphor even farther. I don't feel very much like my fields of creativity are abundant right now. They're not, in fact. They're kind of just little germs of ideas, sprouts of inspiration. I want to be expressive and productive and bountiful in my creating, but right now, I'm just kind of picking at whatever is well formed enough to be something, even if it is not what I want.

But I am not doing nothing. I am thinking an awful lot about who I am, what I want, what I have done and learned and made in my whole life. I am tilling that soil. I am tending it. Fertilizing it with ideas that might work or things I want to try, even if they are not directly related to my long term goals. I am trying to get rid of the destructive or negative things in my life, purging things that are not useful, pulling weeds and clearing the space to allow things to grow. I am planting seeds, organizing those plans, starting work, trying different things, taking the first steps to make my creative goals come to fruition. (I just realized that you can really tell that I am the granddaughter of a farmer, even if I'm such a city girl, I learned a lot from him.)

This season in my creativity is a very frustrating one, knowing that I have to wait to get to the full fruited productivity I want. But at the same time, it feels good, itchy and antsy, but good, to know that the process has started over again, the first steps have been made, the journey has begun.

I think the most important thing about this stage of creativity, or about creativity in general, is to remember that you need to TRUST THE PROCESS. The silence is not wrong. It is a sign that something is growing underground and you need to sit back and let it. It is a sign that you need to prepare yourself for the hard work of tending and watering and harvesting. Don't resist the process, don't despair because you feel like you can't break through. Have faith that this is the way it works. Don't give up, keep working at it, keep looking for ideas, keep practicing new skills, keep organizing and planning, keep trying new things, keep being inspired by the world around you and the world inside of you. Keep showing up to the page. Trust and don't give up. This whole post is beginning to remind me of this one, from years back. But that doesn't surprise me, the lessons I need to learn keep popping up in my life.

What are some ways you've managed to break through those fallow periods and get back to creating?

Live Small, Dream Big

Live Small Dream Big
acrylic on paper
5"x8"

While I am living in my small house with my small kids, painting small paintings and doing small daily things that add up to living a daily life, I need to remember the big dreams, the real, important dreams that I have. The big dreams that inform who I am and the choices I make.

I choose to live small so that I can follow my big dreams. I choose simplicity and time rather than glamour and excitement. But sometimes, caught up in the necessary movement of a small life, that fills up with chores and have-tos and frustrations and routines, and I forget all about the big dreams and instead of a small life that is making room for big thoughts and imagination and goals, I have a small life with small tasks, one that begins to lose satisfaction.

So I say remember your dreams. When making your daily choices, don't choose only to fill your days with the small necessaries, but also with the expansive, inspired, purposeful, revolutionary, meaningful, fulfilling dreams that inform the small steps you make each day. Remember your big reasons in the small actions.

Baby steps to big goals. They work. Simplicity leads to beauty. Purpose drives a small good life.

DIY Glitter Meditation Jars

Ivy and her meditation jar

I finally tried out those meditation jars I've been seeing around pinterest, and they are cooler in person than they are in photos. There's something about the swirling water and bits of sparkle that catches even my attention, and I just want to sit and watch it glitter.

I don't know how well it is going to help any of us meditate or calm down, but that is still to be discovered.

 The project itself is very very easy.

Here we see glitter, glitter glue, two cups of water total, and a jar and lid.

But wait. My before photo was optimistic. This will be the mistakes portion of the post.

Mistake 1
My plastic jar had too much give and was not water proof. Please double check to make sure that your jar is water tight, because there is a lot of shaking and moving and holding with this project.

Mistake 2
Your jars don't need to be that big. Bigger is heavier. Bigger means you have to use a lot of glitter and glue. Smaller is just fine, there's plenty of movement in a smaller jar.

Mistake 3
Not every glitter glue is as effective. I used these little tubes of glitter glue from the toy store, and they did not dissolve very well nor did they give enough body to the water to make the glitter swirl, rather than float on the top.  The craft store glue worked immediately, with far less glue. I read one tutorial that said to use 1 Tablespoon glitter glue per cup of water. That worked for the better glue, but not for the other.

Mistake 4
Do not use white glue to give the water the right viscosity. It will immediately work for viscosity, but it will also immediately make the water opaque. There is no purpose in having swirly glitter if you can't see it. I suppose there might be some clear craft glue that would work, but I didn't have any. I read this post (also a fascinating post about teaching the kids meditation) that said to use glycerin and dish soap. That would probably be the best option, but I didn't have any.

 In the end, I used three cheapo glitter glues and two half empty craft glitter glue jars from an old project (it probably would have worked fine with just the craft glitter glue). Use warm water to help the glue dissolve and shake shake shake it up. I also used one and a half vials of extra fine glitter. I basically tossed in every glitter glue I could find that I thought would be close to purple, my original color. Well the original color was gold, as you can see from the before photo, but once I added the white glue, I ruined the whole thing and had to toss it out. So I started over with purple.

One might think that using so many different colors would make the glitter muddy, but I actually found that using the blue, purple, red, and opalescent glitter gave the jar a lot more interest than it would have had if it had just been one color.

 It looks like the starry sky, actually.

 Let's watch it settle.

 Red. Purple. Blue.

 Flash of opal.

 This one takes about three minutes to settle. I read here that if you add more glue, it takes longer. She uses it for time outs, as a tool to help her kids calm down. So if you want a five minute "time out" jar, then you want to get yourself some extra jars of glue so you can fuss with the timing. You can tell from my experience that it could take a bit of experimenting to get it right.

Finish. Are you calm yet? 

When my son came home from school, I realized I was going to have to make him one too. I took the lessons I learned and made him another one. The only color glitter glue I had left that hadn't gone into the purple jar was green, and I used the rest of the blue glitter and another vial of green glitter. And then I added some gold glitter for sparkle. The last improvement was in the jar I chose. I realized smaller works, too, so I picked a fancy olive jar. Which I think turned out amazing, even though it settles far faster. I can add more glue later if I want it to go slower.

He thinks it looks like Snape's potions, and asked if it was for his Harry Potter Birthday coming up in the summer. That's a very good idea, although I might use it for divination. Stare into the globe and try to tell the future. I don't have a picture of him because he just isn't as willing to sit and pose as the girl is.

There are a few different things you could do with this project. I like my son's idea for a Harry Potter project, but it could also be adapted to make a snow globe, because essentially, that is what this is. You'd want far less glitter and something pretty to look at inside the jar and some waterproof glue to seal the lid, but it would work.

All in all, this was a very simple project, once you get past the oopsies and it does kind of make me want to go get some more glitter glue and make one for myself. What can I say, I loves sparkly things. And there are times I sure could use some calming down and a focus for meditation.