Writing Process: The Tortoise and the Hare (I'm both)

 

I had a good day writing yesterday. 2806 words by the time I shut the computer at 10 pm. It’s pretty common for me to have a good day on the first day of nanowrimo, before the long slog sets in, while i’m still excited and have the ideas fresh in my mind.

I’m writing my sequel for nanowrimo, but as a nano rebel, I’m actually also using this time to write the ending of the last novel (which I stalled on about three months ago) and allowing the momentum to carry me through into the next book. And I’ve spent 3 months not writing that story.

I was very frustrated coming to the end of that story, and couldn’t finish. But I’ve been thinking about it, ever since then. I’ve been mulling it over. I’ve been reading it over. I’ve been getting ideas for how to finish.

But even with the ideas, I did not write them. I waited. I let them percolate. Along with the idea on how to finish, I got the sudden inspiration to write the sequel for nano, just last month. I’d been planning to skip nano this year. So I wrote some outline notes (very sketchy) and continued to wait without writing. I call this the “hushing and holding” phase. Or “fallow period.” 

It’s silent, but it’s growing. 

Part of my writing process… perhaps THE writing process, I’m not sure if it’s necessary for everyone or just many of us… is NOT writing. I require times of silence and contemplation. Sometimes before I have a story. Sometimes when my story is going well and I just need to go deep. Sometimes when I am stuck and need to work out tangles that my conscious, actively writing mind can’t figure out. 

I almost feel bad having such a good day for nanowrimo, because I know not everyone does, andI don’t want to make the slower paced writers feel like they are doing it wrong. Because they’re not. 

There are many different writing processes, and going slow and steady is just as valid as writing binges where the word count is racked up. Writing fast and furious without the internal editor is just as valid as writing carefully and slowly and choosing the exact words as you go. Even with someone who DOES write fast, like me, I go through periods in my writing process where there is no writing. Or the words come slowly. Or I’m all about planning. Or I’m all about revision. Or I have to skip around from story to story. Or I’m writing non fiction. Or I’m drawing. 

My three months of non-writing or slow writing are just as valuable as the times when I binge on 50k in a month. And to be honest, forcing myself to write TOO MUCH is not good for my long term writing process. I write better when I write a little bit more slowly. Nanowrimo pushes the outer edges of my comfortable writing pace (about 1200 words a day according to this past year which I am quite pleased about.) No matter how much of an adrenaline rush I might get from hitting 5k in a day, it is generally not sustainable and if I push for it, can lead to a full stop on my writing process. And no matter how disappointed I might feel on those days when my word count is only in the hundreds, that slower pace is still moving me forward.

So here’s the thing. Stop comparing yourself to other writers. Stop seeing what they did and looking at your process as wrong. If you wrote. You wrote. And those words add up. If you only had time to write in 15 minutes sessions, those bits add up. If you wrote 90 minutes in the morning and none at all after. That adds up. If you had to work and couldn’t hit your word count, recognize that your life might not look like other people’s lives, and you might have more time and focus on the weekends, where you get to catch up. If you write better with other people around. Go to a cafe. If you write better alone, hole up in your room with your computer under the cover. If you’re not doing nano at all because the pressure and competition doesn’t work for you… DON’T DO IT. Screw competing. Unless competing really gets your juices flowing THEN COMPETE. Try to beat someone’s word count. IDC. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

Here’s the trick… you have to write in order to figure out what’s good for you, though. So do your writing. Do nano or don’t. Don’t feel bad about not being like other people, instead, look at the ways you’re not like other people and say, okay that doesn’t work for me BUT THIS DOES, so I’m going to do THIS like me, not THAT like you, because this is my process, not yours. 

find this post here, on my writing tumblr

Nanowrimo and Parenting or Again

Again, by Rowena Murillo

The first time I did nano, I had a one year old and I was pregnant with my second. I went through the infant stages, the toddler stages, preschooler, kindergartner, early elementary and now the mid grade years. Every year, I managed to keep them alive and fed and relatively clean and happy. Nine years later and I have attempted nano every year and only failed the year I also moved cross country in November.

The thing about nanowrimo is that life never gets out of the way for it. Every year, it's the holidays. Every year, there are technical difficulties with family and work and living and health and relationships and money and time. Every single year. I've moved in November, twice. Last year I got separated in November. I've struggled with the flu. I've needed to find a new job.

The other thing about nanowrimo is that if you keep going, if you keep putting one word down after the other, if you keep giving yourself 15 minutes, half an hour, nap time, the minutes while the chicken is baking, an afternoon while grandma babysits, an hour after the kids go down for the night, if you keep giving yourself that time to write and you actually do it, you will succeed.

Make the time. Keep writing. Don't judge yourself. Don't edit. Sit down and write. Find the time. Commit. Just do it. Write. In little bits and drabbles or in long bingeing periods where you forget to eat and neglect your kids (actually don't neglect your kids, just pawn them off on someone else) just keep writing.

Nanowrimo tells me that over the course of the last 9 years, I have written over half a million words during nanowrimo. That's right. 500,000 words. And that's not counting the work I've done outside of November, the new work, the research, the outlining, the editing, the revising. I actually have one full, finished final manuscript that I am sending out to agents. And I have become a much better writer for all the effort.

As parents, we might not have as much free time as other nanowrimo participants. We might have more responsibilities and sticky handed time bandits, but we also know what matters in life. We know what matters to us. We know that if we want something, we have to take care of it.

So the first question to ask yourself at the beginning of nanowrimo is this: how much do you want it?

The second question to ask is what will you to do take care of it?

Ideas

It is the end of October and tomorrow is the first day of November, the first day of Nanowrimo.

My mind is awhirl with ideas.

Tomorrow starts the month when I put my ideas down on paper and attempt to make something concrete out of them.

It's a scary thing, often, making your ideas real. Sometimes it feels much better to keep your ideas in the realm of the maybe, to not put them down on paper, to not show them, to not turn them into something real.

The thing is, ideas can be wonderful and great and genius and perfect, but once you put them down on paper to make them real, they will be real in their flaws, lumps, awkwardness, and imperfection. Before you put them down, when that page is blank and full of nothing but potential and possibility, your hopes of what might be can get so big and important that it's too frightening to write them down and expose them.

Because reality is never perfect, and genius may start with a genius idea, but to make it real, it takes an awful lot of work and pruning and revising. It is so much better to put that flawed idea, that uncertain attempt, that maybe down on paper than it is to sit with the flawless, intangible idea floating around in your brain.

Put it out there. Try it out. See what happens when the floating idea lands on the page and inspires a second idea, and then a third. Or maybe it turns out to be a bad idea that doesn't go anywhere. In that case, scrap that idea and move on to the next. Just make sure whatever it is, you commit to those ideas, you make those ideas real.

Get Ready for Nanowrimo with a Mock Up of Your Book Cover

Subterranean

In preparation for beginning nanowrimo in November, I created a mock up of the front cover of the novel I am hoping to write.

It is actually quite surprising how creating the cover of your novel can help you focus on the book you are going to write, it almost makes it real, whereas before, it was just a nice idea and a bunch of words all mashed up in some order you're not quite sure of yet.

I suggest this as an exercise for anyone tackling a big book project, whether in nanowrimo or on your own. I did this once before for the novel I was revising, and it really gave me the push to see it all the way through.

Some suggestions for how to get this mock up going.

1. Take a look at some of your favorite book covers and look at how these books convey the mood and characters and story of the books. Start getting some ideas of what you'd like your book cover to look like. For some inspiration, I have pinterest collections of illustrations, and more text based illustrations. Notice that the illustrations can be anywhere from super elaborate to very simple, multiple colors or black and white, perfect and precise to scrawled graffiti. 

2. Pick a medium that you are comfortable with. Remember, you are not actually trying to be a book illustrator, you are just trying to make your book real to you. It's okay if you are not a great artist. If you like taking photos, try using one of your photos as the main image. Use magazines and collage images that convey a sense of the story. Perhaps your book cover is just color block, patterns or words. If you know photoshop or computer graphics or  like cool computer fonts, use that. I generally hand draw all that

3. Take out a piece of paper and divide it into 6 or 8 book cover shaped rectangles. Sketch a few ideas on this paper, one per rectangle. Think about different main images, colors, where the text goes. Try rearranging the main elements for the best effect. Leave space on the image to put your book title, author and any other text. Sketch out the title so you know how much room you'll need to make it all fit. Pay attention to the space around your images, the negative space, so nothing is too squooshed or unbalanced (unless that's part of your design.) After I did it, I noticed that my lettering is a little unbalanced, but you know what? It's not that bad, and this is just a mock up. It's good practice for nanowrimo to not worry about being perfect. Practice letting go of your internal editor. I'll be honest, I skipped this step when I did my own mock up and went straight to step 4.

4. Take out a larger piece of paper and sketch out the placement of your images lightly, just so you know where it all goes on your paper.  Oh, I suppose if you're working on the computer do whatever it is the computer wants you to do. The point is, try out your final arrangement. 

5. Now go at it and make your image, paint, draw, collage, photo edit. Don't be too obsessive about getting it perfect. You only have a few days left before you have to start writing, so don't spend all that time on this. This is an exercise for your writing.

6. Don't forget to display your new book cover mockup so that you can be inspired by it while you are writing. Upload it to your novel page on nanowrimo. It feels good to have it on your profile.

I am specifically not giving advice on how to do graphics or art techniques, because the point is not to get all wrapped up in the hows of the craft, but to help you with your planning and drafting and writing. And to play. This is supposed to be fun. If it's not fun, scrap it. Find a better exercise for you, your personality and your creativity.

Perhaps it would work better for you to write the back copy of your novel... those few paragraphs that you would read if you picked up your novel in a book store and wanted to find out what it was about. Do that instead. Or do that also. Just have fun, and focus on the story you want to tell. Woo hoo, November is almost here!

I May Wander But I Am Not Lost, Turning Failures into Something New

Sometimes, when I am printing up one of my paintings that someone ordered, something will go wrong. The ink will splotch or an unnoticed spot will appear or the colors will be off or I tried to use the wrong paper or something will smudge or the printer will break down or it just won't be right.

I won't send those prints out. I will stick them in a box and pray the next print comes out. Every once in a while, that one doesn't, or the next one doesn't. So every once in a while, I go through my boxes and files of failures and look for something that I can take and do something with, make something of.

I had a whole series of prints where the color was off. I finally just took them out and chopped them up into little bookmarks. This is one. You can see the tip of a flying girl's foot right above the 'wander.'

I thought this was a kind of fitting metaphor for life, and a good illustration of Tolkien's quote.

I wander from my path. I fail in my endeavors. I get lost in the details or in the living. Then I unpack all my mistakes, and see what I have learned, how I have grown, what I can make from my failures.

Interestingly, I'm doing the same thing with writing. I'm doing Nanowrimo in a few days where I will write 50k words in a new novel in the month of November. I've done nano for the last 7 years. I dropped out last year because life was just in too much upheaval, but even the two years before that, where I met my wordcount goal, I wrote stories that were failures as stories. The first of those stories didn't work, so I tried again the next year, and that one didn't work either.

They wandered. They wandered terribly into places that didn't make sense and didn't seem to get me where I needed to go, narratively speaking. I explored paths the story wasn't ready to take, and so the "novels" I wrote never went anywhere. That would be 100k words of a novel that wandered, without ever getting where it needed to go.

So here I am again, getting ready to write that novel that I failed at twice before. Unpacking those hundred thousand words, reading them, salvaging what I could.

And I chopped that sucker up, just like the bookmark. My new outline starts with the one scene that worked in the first novelistic failure.The same scene that I started again with the second novelistic failure. After reading both drafts, I realize that my second draft improved greatly on the first draft of the scene, so I got ONE thing out of rewriting it twice.

My new outline for this twice attempted book is taking an entirely different direction. The book, while it has the same characters and basic premise, will have an entirely different flavor. I believe it will be richer and smarter and darker. It will mean more.

Because the thing is, I have learned things over these last three years of failed noveling that have actually gotten me past the struggle I was having with writing the new story. Some of those lessons are about writing and character and plot, but some of those things are about myself, living, love, fear and pain.

I am very optimistic about my writing for this nano, and about the story I am going to tell. Is it because this time I put my energy into planning and outlining instead of winging it like I tried for the last three years? Quite possibly. Or is it because in my wanderings I have grown and am now ready to write the story that needs to be written? Maybe that, too.  I may wander, but I am not lost.

Write. Just Do It.

Write, or Pink Smith Corona

To reach your dream, you have to make a commitment, a real, solid, painful commitment, much like a marriage. It's a better or worse kind of scenario. It's the kind of commitment where you forsake all others, and give up other things to stay true to the dream. If for instance, you dream of being a writer, you may think only of the wild and alive story that you have brought into the world, the glories of publishing, the swagger of being that writer with the pen in hand and the journal, sitting at the cafe like some Parisian bohemian, drinking strong black coffee and pouring his soul out onto the page. But being a writer is often a lot uglier than that. It's struggling with the days when the words don't come. It's a deadly dull day job or grinding financial struggle. It's rejection letters. It's fear and insecurity. It's isolating. It's the hundreds of pages that you have to delete because you were just going down the wrong track. It's your laptop dying when you didn't save, when you had finally figured it out, and were *that* close to the masterpiece of your dreams. It's that moment when you say, "Forget it. I give up. It's too hard."

A lot of the time, when we think about our dreams, we only see the hilights, the pretty pictures, the golden light streaming through the windows and the joy of achieving what you have worked for all that time.

But the truth is, dreams are hard work and they have shadows, too. They are full of struggles, confusion, failure, drudgery, dust bunnies, neglected children, neglected health, being broke, lonely days, detours, breakdowns of many varieties, long stretches of silence, block and giving up.

But if this dream is really your dream, if you love the journey, not just the idea of accomplishment, if you love the work, then trust yourself, trust that when you come back, your dream will be waiting for you and you can climb your way back onto the path. But, it's hard. Don't think it will be easy. If you really want this, and you have lost your way, you will have to claw your way back, regain the ground that you lost inch by inch. But believe in your dream and believe in yourself, because it's that belief that makes the dream possible, even when it seems like it isn't.

PS  This is my 1000th post. I think that is why I've had such a bloggers block this year. I knew this momentous post was coming up and I wanted to make it a landmark, important. I made the stakes too high and it kept me from writing. One Thousand blog posts. ONE THOUSAND. Even thinking about it kind of blows my mind. So perhaps, instead of making this a special post, I will just quietly go back to writing my blog, one post at a time, the way I wrote every one of those thousand entries, without trying to make it momentous. Maybe I'll reward myself with a new sweater. Or a cake. Cake is good.

PPS I'm also doing nanowrimo this year. Is anyone else taking the challenge? I am rosymamacita over on nanowrimo if you want to buddy up.

PPPS I have prints of Write or Pink Smith Corona up for sale in my shop. You notice it says "Write" not, "Hey, why don't you think about writing and avoid the blank page until you are absolutely 100% sure you have it all perfectly down and will not make any mistakes and really really know what you're doing and are totally confident and the circumstances are just perfect and you're not tired or stressed out or don't have to go deep clean the kitchen." Just write. Do it.

PPPPS Yay me for sitting down and writing this blog entry instead of just thinking about it for more weeks on end. 

Hush or Keeping It Inside

Hush, or Alice Keeps It Inside
4 3/4 x 7 1/2"
ink and acrylic on vintage Alice in Wonderland book page

I've taken a little blog break. You see, I've had a lot going on.

I know I was blogging last year when I was in the midst of a move and I was blogging all my art from my 100 days challenge but I think that I had a moment to stop and think about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do... and in order to think about that with my blog, I had to stop.

What I've thought about doing lately is making my blog more intentional, and I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it yet.

Sometimes there is virtue in being quiet.

In quiet, we can start listening to our internal voices, and these voices can whisper very silently sometimes. We have to stop talking, stop declaring ourselves, stop shouting to the world, just so that we can hear the whispers of intuition, emotion, idea, belief, desire, fear, hope, story, inspiration.

I know that it can be hard to be quiet and still, to not jump right in to actions or decisions. Sometimes, when you get that initial idea, it can be so exciting that you want to race to the finish line and go all in.

But the truth is, very often, the initial idea, or even not so initial, needs care and silence and darkness in order to grow to fruition. I've seen it with story ideas, for sure. I get a great idea and I want to start writing, but something in me tells me to hold on, let the idea germinate, let it grow and become stronger, let it feed on different thoughts and experiences, mull it over in the darkness. I sit with it deliberately, jot down a few notes, go to sleep with the idea in my head, throw in another intriguing concept, stir them up a bit and still... still hold on to it, silently.

There is no need to rush to speak it.

Not yet.

Hush. There is time to let it grow.

Girl of Freaks: a novel of not werewolves (pending)

Girl Of Freaks: a novel of not werewolves by Rowena Murillo (cover mock up)
ink, acrylic and pencil on paper

This year, I am going to do my damnedest to get my novel published. It's ready, now it's just up to me to put it out there.

When I told Jen Lemen of this goal, she gave me an assignment to create a mock up of my novel cover.

Immediately, the impulse is for me to say, "no, that's not what I had planned for the day," but considering that I say "no" too often, and my word for the year is...

yes
sharpie, tape residue, and "vintage" foam core board.

..."YES" it was time for me to try the challenge. I took out my ink and my journal and searched for a likely photo reference (my first instinct was to use one of myself, but I really didn't want to paint myself for my book cover as the mc is not me) and got going.

This is what I did. Of course, when I get published, this will not by the cover. I'm not even sure it's the best cover for the book, but putting it out there, visualizing it, making it a real thing helps me to focus on my goals.

Thank you Jen for the good assignment and giving me a leaping off point for the rest of my year.

Pulling it Together 67-71/100

 Head of a Girl 8 (Tilly Losch)
ink on vintage Alice in Wonderland Page
67/100

Like I said before, I am trying to put my house together, trying to pull together all the pieces of myself and my art and make it whole again.

It's remarkable how confusing and disorganized things can get. Or sometimes maybe we just need a break. Maybe we just need to step back and get some distance so that we can look at things and say "yes, this is what I want," or "no, this is not where I want to go."

So sometimes it helps to stop the go go going and be silent, to see what once was there, what is there now, and what you want to be there.

Found Still Life
(flowers, pencil, miniature houses, toy leash, and vintage contact paper on the counter)
68/100

This one is a case of looking and seeing what is already there.

I looked down at the corner of my craft cabinet counter, and saw this little still life, just sitting there. I gasped and grabbed my camera and started snapping away. It's where I'd tossed a few things that I was done with, the little houses from yesterday, the handful of garden flowers that my daughter gave me, whose stems were too short for a vase, the yellow pencil, and the broken purple toy leash that I told my daughter I'd fix.

It's interesting, because although it took me a few tries to frame it right, and I did remove extraneous items away from the composition, when I tried to "make it right", when I took away the junky purple toy leash, the composition went flat.

It was there. And I needed to pay attention to it, to see it for what it was, a snap shot of life, color, line and texture. Movement in stillness and discards. There's something about those bleeding heart flowers that seem to me to be always moving, even when they are just sitting there, wilting.

"Day" Flying Girl Articulated Paper Doll
acrylic on paper, metal brads
69/100

And then, sometimes, you have to work and think about something, plan it out and put it together.

I've been thinking about making a Flying Girl Paper Doll for a while, but never got around to it, because I knew it would be a bit of work and commitment.  Sometimes life is like that. You take ideas from the past and finally sit down to work on them, make them into something, even if you're not sure that they really will work out.

 Reveal
Pen and watercolor on paper
70/100

Here's a sketch I made, without real plans, just allowing it to come to be, although, again, I am pulling on past sketches and motifs.  I don't think that everything is actually revealed, here, even though it's called reveal. Perhaps time will be the big reveal.

Belated Bunny with Big Legs
Repurposed velour, cotton knit, buttons, thread, polyfill
71/100

And here's the stuffed bunny I started almost three years ago and never got around to finishing. It went three years without eyes or legs.

Even now, my daughter tells me that the legs are wrong and I need to make them smaller. I guess she's right, they don't really fit this bunny.

Belated Bunny (detail)

But she's kinda cute anyway.

Well, I continue to try to pull together my house, and my art and my writing. I'm working on my synopsis for my novel and my query letter... something that has needed to be done for quite some time.

Like I said, sometimes it takes a commitment to pull together all the disparate efforts, all the history and the knowledge and the ideas. And sometimes it takes a re-commitment, after a period of silence.

We shall see.

Getting My Houses in Order, 61-66/100

Little Houses
paper clay, acrylic paint and ink
3/4"-1 1/4" tall

These took awhile to make. And my daughter instructed me in how to paint many of them. The gold paint was her idea, although I decided to use it also on the windows, to represent all the light and merry making going on inside of the little houses.

Yellow House

61/100

I have not decided what I will be doing with these little houses. My daughter says I should make teeny tiny people to go with them, but that would make them millimeters tall, since the largest house is only an inch and a quarter. 

Gold Roof house
62/100

 This one. One inch and a quarter.

And the gold roof. My daughter's idea. These are things that I am adding to my total of 100 works in 100 days, although they are not paintings. A lot of things go into being me, me as an artist. And a slight obsession with houses and miniatures are some of those things. And sometimes miniature houses.

I was thinking I should make some little set, a little diorama or something with them, putting them into tiny boxes. I don't know. It's an idea.

Gray House
63/100

Sorry about the photography. I am not quite set up for a photo studio. That's one of the things I want to set up in my work space, and I'm not sure quite how I'm going to do that.

 Blue House
64/100

This one reminds me a tiny bit of the house where I'm living now. I think that's why I painted it the blue-gray.

Little White House with Red Roof
65/100

This little house sometimes finds its way into my paintings. I have no reason why. You'll have to figure it out yourself.

White House with Gray Roof
66/100

With these houses, I am still behind in my challenge. There are 14 days left. I have 34 pieces left to do. That's about three a day.

This is indeed a challenge. A tighter one than I gave myself to begin with.

Oh well. I guess the whole commitment is about the COMMITMENT. Am I committed?  Yes I am committed.

It turns out I was not as committed to nanwrimo this year. I gave that one up as soon as I sat down in my new studio and thought about all of the very many things that I really wanted/needed to do, various other commitments that I needed to take care of to get my house in order.

One of the things I am committed to is to get an agent for my novel. I don't talk about my fiction writing in my blog very often. For some reason, it doesn't invite as much show and tell as the artwork does. So much of it is still in process and not ready to be shown.

The art is though? I can't explain.

Well, today I also did some work on querying and synopsis. I can't say even that is complete, but it's the process that is important. And it is, indeed, getting my house in order.

Inside, Outside, Upside Down, 11-13/100 Days Creative Challenge

 The Other Side of the River
acrylic on paper, 9/10/12
moleskine
012/100 in 100 days creative challenge

Boy, I am having a challenge keeping up with my 100 in 100 days creativity challenge. I was doing really well with the painting/drawing portion, going off on binges of paint and ink, and then...I just got stopped. The chaos of life and necessities of things I have to do and unexpected twists and chores and the paying kind of work and kids and blah.

But I never said this challenge would be easy, or smooth, and while I have gone through periods of painting every night like clockwork, day after day in a routine that kept me productive and creative, that is never a guarantee and sometimes, it's really hard work to get to that point.

I know life can get in the way.

The point is not to do the challenge without ever being challenged, the point is to meet the challenges, and find a way around them.

 Inside (drawing)
ink on recycled menu, 9/10/12
4"x8"
011/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I'm doing a lot of examination of my life and my art I think, trying to figure out where I want to go with it. Trying not to have the answers. I suppose what I am painting now does have more questions than answers. Is more mysterious, less about illustrating a point. I don't know where it is going, but I am trusting myself to be able to continue on in my journey, to be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.

The things that I thought would be easy are not so easy. The things I thought would be the main struggle are not an issue at all.

the light inside
acrylic on paper
8.5"x 5"
013/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I think I am in a blue period, like Picasso's, just by chance, because those are the colors I pulled out of my paint bag, and those are the colors I have been using for the last two weeks.

The last few times I did this challenge, I would pull out three or four different paint tubes and let my nightly painting be inspired by the randomness of the color scheme. I was surprised and delighted by this painting prompt sometimes, and came up with some of my favorite paintings out of it. Of course, sometimes the painting sucked, but that's ok.

This way of going at it, using the same color scheme again and again with different emphasis on the colors, using some similar techniques, using a limited palette, well, I kind of like it. It feels more poetic and less illustrative to me. It goes deeper. I don't mind. I find myself picking up additional paint tubes or media to add to my three tubes of paint. I don't mind that. As an exercise, I like the ability to become fluid within my constraints.

I know a lot of people think that being an artist is about being free and having no boundaries, but I think the truth is, it's often about it's often about looking through that one inch frame and seeing how infinite you can make that tiny space.

Well, I've run out of time. I have to get ready for work. Before I go, I did want to tell you that I have gotten back to my novel. I am up to chapter three in the revision in my first week of working on it. I don't know how quickly it will go or how consistently I can manage it. I've already found it a challenge to get back to it. I guess we'll see if I can manage to juggle my life of kids and work and chaos and painting and writing. Perhaps the painting and writing can give structure to the chaos.  We shall see.

It's In Your Hands (Creating a Creative Practice)

"it's in your hands"

This coming September, when my kids are both in school full time, I am planning to take my creative career more fully in hand.

Truth be told, I've taken a bit of a hiatus.

I've had kid duties and work duties and household duties, and many of my creative duties have fallen by the way side. 

I am looking forward to re-committing to being a serious artist and writer, not just in the off hours when I'm not too exhausted from my long day, or while the kids are playing outside, before they come back in to ask for my attention in 15 minutes.

I'll still be working, and I'll still be taking care of my kids, but there will be more time to focus without distraction or multi tasking or kids every where. I'll be able to focus on my own personal work for at least a couple of hours a day, and for the whole day twice a week! It seems like such a luxury to me now, after all my years of raising infants/babies/toddlers/preschoolers. I am hoping that those years will have taught me how valuable my time is now, and that I shouldn't waste it.

And I'm going to do it.

It's only a few weeks away, but I am starting my process of organizing and planning and psyching myself up and getting the ideas flowing.

I've learned that it helps to psych yourself up before you even start, to plan and set goals for yourself. Like with Nanowrimo. If I think about it months before, I can start dreaming of my story and characters and plots. Then I can do an outline. And I can schedule in work times and write out logs and graphs to keep track of my work.

Really, I should learn from myself and write out my graphs and log books and such. I have plans for reorganizing and prettifying my "studio" which is really more like part of the kitchen, but has turned out to be a good place for me to work in the past, at least part of the time. 

The truth is that being creative is a lot more work than it seems sometimes, because so much goes on under the surface, before creativity happens, while you're staring out the window or in your psyche every minute of the day, even while you're doing other things. 

It often takes more preparation and planning than one would suspect. I often have to almost "go into training"  as I build up my work habits and practice my craft and coax the ideas into being. 

 In one way, this is comforting to me.

Even though I don't feel all that creative right now (particularly after burning out a bit with the craft intensive Harry Potter birthday party) I know that if I take my baby steps, I will soon be ready to get that creative engine going.

In another way, it's kind of exhausting, because I know how much work I have to do and how much I am going to have to commit to the work.

But then, that's exciting too, the idea of being able to commit real time and energy to work after so many years of naptime writing and painting while the kids are watching tv and being satisfied with arts and crafts instead of the larger projects that have been calling to me for the last few years (which I have been putting off.)

I drew this journal entry to remind myself of the work it takes to take your life into your own hands. It often doesn't seem like I am getting anywhere while I am in the middle of the small actions, but when I look back on it, I can see how far I've come and how much I've done.

It reminds me that I have the power to create things, to make life the way I want it, if I am only willing to do the work, commit to the end product, and trust the process.

Oh yes, that trust of the process. It can be very difficult, but it makes a big difference.

New and Improved Creativity Log, Now with Bravery!

 A New Improved Creativity Log (blank)

I'm really trying to get organized and be productive again. It's quite the process and often doesn't look like it's going anywhere in all the business of every day life... until it does, and you realize you've finished huge projects and pulled your life back together and taken major steps on the journey to your dreams.

I realized something about how far along I am right now in my creative process when I found this post in the random search of my archives. That post was about wanting to be creative, but still being quiet and still...being fallow. Which can feel awful when you really really want to be doing stuff and making stuff, but is often a necessary phase in being creative. But if you keep at it and keep trying and continue to have faith in yourself and your creative process, then you do ultimately start moving.

I am right now in the motion phase of my creative journey. What a relief after standing still for so long. I'm not going as fast or as far as I want to yet, but I am picking up speed.

One of the things I'm doing to keep up my momentum and take stock of what I actually am doing is to go back to keeping a creativity log. I've written about it before, but I've decided to make some improvements.

The planner is a place where I can keep track of what I have done that day. We all know about to do lists and how gratifying it is to cross stuff off, but it is very easy for us to forget everything we are doing that never got onto the list, small things, or unexpected things, or every day things that have a big impact on your day and your creativity. That's why I keep my log. And I break it down into categories because it is so easy for me to lose my balance and focus too much on one area, all my attention might go to my kids, or I might be obsessed with painting or I might completely forget that I have to take care of myself. So I list the important categories/goals at the top of my log, and then the day of the week down the side and then write down what I've done to fit that category for the day. Simple as that. But this time around, I'm changing things around to fit my life and also to deal with some things that I struggle with, to make the log even more effective for the way I do things.

First of all, I put some pages in my handmade planner. I'm kind of loving my planner and making all the notes  and lists and such. But I also love using my stamps in my planner. For some reason, when the papers we look at all day are pretty and have pleasing colors, when they feel good in the hand, I'm more likely to use them, so making my log pretty, not just a drawn in grid, helps me want to use it.

New and Improved Creativity Log Imperfect and In Action

 This one here is my first try at making my new log. I don't know if you can tell, but there are some mistakes with the stamping and the boxes do not all line up as you go down the page. Whoops. Luckily I had a marker the same color as the ink I used so I just drew lines to keep the days straight. But even though I hadn't gotten the format down pat, I started to log my creativity for the week, anyway.

New and Improved Creativity Log (detail) in use, with some entries and notes

 Here is a closeup of the started log. You can see Self, Writing, Art/Craft, and Business (which is anything that has to do with money and jobs and finances). The categories you can't see are Blog, Kids, Home, and there's one more, which I'll talk about later.

One of the things I noticed right away when I started my log (this is only two days of logging, mind you) is that I am seriously avoiding Writing. I am not counting blogging as writing because I know the projects I mean to be working on and I am not doing them because I am afraid. So, when I noticed that I was avoiding writing, I filled my empty log slot with a stamp, saying "DON'T IGNORE ME".  I need to know when I am avoiding something. I need to be faced with the fact that I am avoiding it. I need to stop hiding from it, because I know what my real goals are.

Another thing that I added to my new log is that I am not only keeping track of the tasks I complete, but I am also adding a star to the activities that make me feel good about myself, make me feel productive and make me feel like I can tackle the next step. I want to see which kinds of things lead to the most positive feelings. And I want to value those activities for their emotional and psychological weight.

New and Improved Creativity Log (detail) with the hand carved stamp that has helped improve it.

This brings me to the last new thing that I added to my creativity log. A new category. It isn't strictly about being creative... actually neither is the whole log, it's more about productivity, or perhaps, working on the rest of my life so that I can be creative. The new category is called, "Big Girl Panties," aka "Be Brave." In this row, there is a place that I can mark down what I have done that has been scaring me, intimidating me. What I have been avoiding because it is too important, fits into my neuroses, or is too far out of my comfort zone. All those things about which I have spent my life muttering, "I cant!" This is the category that has been standing in my way, and these are the things that I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with.

This category pleases me. I feel so good when I can accomplish something that has been scaring me, even if it something so simple as emailing someone. I feel competent and capable and brave, and that means I am feeling stronger and more able to tackle everything else. This category also helps me think about the other things that are scaring me, the things I need to tackle next. I've put lists in my weekly planners of scary stuff that I am afraid of but still need to take care of. Like I said before, the more I pay attention to these things that scare me and the less I hide from it, the better it is for my creativity, my productivity and my life.

All in all, I'm really proud of the way this creativity log is turning out. It is about doing it. It is about taking those steps toward what you really want. I suppose it wouldn't even need to be about creativity, if your goals were more along the lines of career or home or business, but for me it's creativity. And something they don't really tell you before you start trying to make art or write novels or compose symphonies is that the hardest part about creating is not really about writing, painting or the act of creating. The hardest part about being creative is confronting your own fears, battling your demons, overcoming your flaws, facing your dreams and digging into the heart of all that you are.

What are the categories that you would put into your own personal creativity log? What are the things that you need to tackle to be as creative as you would like?

My Writer's Space

Bedroom writing space

It's not an office, it's not a writing room, but it is a little space in the bedroom with a little table, a rocking chair, nice light, and a pretty flower.

It turns out I'm not the only one who likes to write in my bedroom. Look at this post from apartmenttherapy, writers' bedrooms. If it was good enough for Emily Dickinson, it's good enough for me.

Or at least we'll try it out and see if it works. It's part of my goal of finishing my book and sending it out, the very easiest, first step I can take towards getting back to revising. I'm also getting together all my files so that I will know where everything I've already done is, and I can figure out exactly what I need to do next. I think there is a first chapter that I need to print out.

Oh, I know this seems like an awfully small first step here... actually, writing down my mind map is the first step. It put on paper some of the things I was mulling over in my head, without ever taking action. So, yes. These are two small steps...in fact, add another one-- I took a book out of the library called The First Five Pages, A Writer's Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile, by Noah Lukeman. Ok, that's three small steps. After months of totally ignoring this novel.

I haven't started yet-- wait, add another small step. I just threw together a portable file box, so that I can bring my work with me, wherever I choose to write. (I have to be flexible when I'm watching kids. They're a lot more independent than they used to be, but still.) So four baby steps... and I am actively thinking about writing. Actively taking action on my goals. None of these baby steps seem like much. They are easy to accomplish when you break them down and they are no longer intimidating.

I'm going to keep going with my baby steps and see how far that gets me in my goals. See how long I can keep it up. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for getting back to business. And it all started with my fun little arts and crafts projects. Full disclosure here... I already know that in order for me to be productive again after a fallow period, I have to futz around with lists and planners and doodles. So in that case, even the act of making stamps and binding planner books was part of my baby steps towards my eventual goals.

It's good to have those clear goals to aim for, just make sure you are actually taking action on them, no matter how small that action seems.

Creating a Mind Map to Plan Your Goals

Goals/Mind Map (Rowena's Planner)

Yesterday, I had this big plan to blog this huge post, but it was so big and, while I had worked on it, I hadn't worked on it enough. In the end, it overwhelmed me, because I didn't break it down enough and I hadn't clearly thought out what I wanted to do with it.

So I didn't end up posting at all.

Today, I thought I'd take a smaller bite out of the apple and actually post about planning goals. 

It can be really easy to let the goals that you really want to accomplish in life get washed away in the flood of every day tasks and responsibilities, but the truth is that you have a responsibility to yourself and to the world  to reach for those big goals, to put in the energy and follow your passion. Even as a mom, when it seems that your needs often come last, you are actually giving to your family when they see you actively working on your goals. When they see you working hard, not giving up, believing in yourself, following through, doing something that is important to you. This is a good example for children to see, and to imagine for themselves. 

But HOW to do this, in this world of baking chicken and bus stop pickups and homework help and baths and etcetera?

One of the first things I do when I am faced with a large task that seems overwhelming in the face of living, is to get a precise handle on the task ahead of me. What exactly do I need to do? Are there things I need to do before I can even get started? How can I break one task down into its various elements? And once I know what those various elements are, can I break them down into smaller steps? 

I like doing a little brainstorm with this mind map/spider web kind of planner. I put my main goal in the center... here, we have "Published Novel," and then in the next ring of bubbles, I write out the things I need to do in order to get to the main goal. Here I have "Organize Writing Space," "Finish 5th Draft," "Polish Opening," "Get Feedback," and "Get An Agent." These are the main tasks I have been thinking about, some of which I feel need to be done first, and some need to come later. But even so, they can be mighty overwhelming. So I made a second ring of bubbles to indicate the tasks that I need to do to accomplish the first tasks. 

Here's one corner of the mind map. Attached to "Finish 5th Draft," I have "Delete Chap 3," "Re-read," and "Complete 5th Pass."  That goal does seem a little redundant, but in actuality, it's a refinement. If you'll notice, I left some space to write notes about each individual goal. When I do my 5th pass of my novel, I'm actually going to be looking for some certain things to edit/revise. I'm thinking I want to tighten the writing, pay attention to consistency of character, and add some fierceness... but I am not sure what I'm going to be looking for exactly, because when I re-read, I will be able to spot the elements that I want to focus on in this revision. This is a plan in progress. There is room for me to fine tune the tasks and goals. There is room to add details.

However. There comes a time when you have to stop planning to take action and simply just take action. Notice that at the top of the planner, I added a bubble: "WRITE." Because when it comes down to it, I have to make sure that breaking my goals down and planning and making lists and planners and all that stuff doesn't take over, and the goal remains the focus. It's not about planning to publish a novel, it's about publishing a novel.

Now this kind of goal setting could be for any large task you set yourself. It could be organizing your house or finding a new job, or writing a paper. Whatever the goal, the key is to break down the large tasks into smaller, achievable goals that no longer seem as overwhelming. And then get started on the newly simplified tasks.

Then it's time to get going.

Finding your Stories When Life is Too Loud, or Looking for Stars at Noon

Looking for Stars at Noon

Felt Charm/Bookmark

wool blend felt, cotton embroidery floss, metallic embroidery floss, thread, metal jump ring, cotton fabric

Yesterday, I was in an internal uproar. It was my day off of work and I wanted to write a blog post and I knew what I wanted to write, more or less, but I couldn't find a way in. And then I just stewed in my discontent and spent a lot of time on line and did a lot less than I wished.

The thing is, I'm a writer, and I need to write in order to be happy, but it's often such hard work to write that I get wrapped up in the difficulties and knotted up in not being able to write and just get, well, un happy.

I have a novel that is sitting in my drawer, waiting for me to finish it. And it is so close to being finished, it's like I am sitting on its chest, not allowing it to take its first breath. 

So here I am with my internal discontent, my thwarted creative jones, and my poor unloved novel. It would be a good place to just get blocked.

But I've learned something about my creative process through the years, and I've learned something about not being so hard on myself for not being perfect. 

In order to get back to the place to where I can tackle a big project like that last revision, I have to condition myself, to build up my creative muscles, so to speak. Just like athletic training. You don't jump up from the 24 hour couch to do a marathon. You need to get back into shape. You need to stretch. You need to get your head in the game. Is a marathon a game? Well, the point stands.

Here are some of the things I do to condition my creativity.

• Browse pinterest. Yes, indeed, I use pinterest to fuel my creativity. It is not just an obsessive waste of time for me. I find things like this, and this, which get my brain thinking, and then I do things like make today's book mark.
• Make things that use other parts of my brain. It might be cooking. It might be sketching. Today it was stitchery. What does this bookmark have to do with writing? Well, follow with me down my thought path. So I saw the cross stitch thing on pinterest which reminded me of stars in the sky, then I thought of this gray felt I had, then I thought, 'Hey, white thread on pale gray would almost be like stars, but when the sky was light. Hey, that's almost what it's like trying to write when my day is so full of living, working, raising kids, cleaning house, cooking food, just being. It's like I'm trying to find the bright lights of my story in the even brighter light of the day time sun.'  And then voila, here I am making my book mark which reminds me to find the starry story in my day to day. 
• Read things that remind me about what it means to write. Books like Finding Water, by Julia Cameron (she of The Artist's Way) or articles like this or this or this. I found these starting with a pinterest search. In fact, I started a To Write board so I could keep my online writing inspiration organized. It helps.
• In fact, I've got a couple of boards for writing. I pin images that remind me of stories I'm writing, or give me glimmers of ideas for stories I am not writing just yet. Far from being a waste of time, these kind of boards keep your head in the story, they allow ideas to rumble around and bump up against each other in your subconscious. Being active in looking for ideas for your stories means you are actively thinking about writing. Even if you are not writing, that's part of what writing is. Thinking about writing. Ruminating over ideas. Collecting moments and characters that belong to your story.
• Get back to business. I'm thinking about being productive again, after this long winter. Thinking about my blog, actually writing my blog again. While this is not "the novel" it is writing, and these muscles are being stretched.
• Speaking of, I'm writing in my journal again. It's astounding to me that I pretty much stopped writing in my journal for a while. There is nothing like writing in a journal to practice those writing muscles. 

So here I am, slowly getting back into writing/fighting shape. Have I picked up the last draft and started going over it yet? No, I have not. But I tell you what, in my mind I have picked it up. I have considered how I will pick it up and which direction I will turn it when I start revising it again. I have thought about what to do with that chapter I need to get rid of (which is what stopped me where I was the last time) and I have practiced in my head just how it would work when I opened up that file and got back to work.

 Here's the other side of the charm. Is that the story that's looking to be told?

Hmm. And do you have any ideas or suggestions for ways to condition your creativity? Any hints for getting creative again?

Oh, I actually do have one more hint, one that I am not quite ready to try myself, but I know, that is what it comes down to in the end.

Putting On My Writing Hat

Put On My Writing Hat
acrylic, sharpie, on paper moleskine

Yesterday, I decided to do some sketching. I drew a self portrait from a quickly snapped digital picture. I know the chin is too prominent, but that's what happens when you use sharpie. You're stuck with it, more or less.

Sketching turns out to be a good way to start my day. I don't know if I will make it a habit, I only have so many minutes before I have to get going on my regular days, and there are always so many different things that I'd like to start off with. But this day, a day off of work, turned out to be a good one.

Getting ready to nano, I am starting to get my outline together. It's never as much time as I want, but it's what I have. I put my hat on, my "writing hat", before I got started. It kept my brains from wandering all over the place when I was trying to write. I know it's probably silly, but I also think that it might be a good sense memory-association to cultivate. Hat goes on: girl goes writing.

I took my hat, pulled together a writing folder, gathered up my index cards, collected my pens, printed out my previous notes, and headed to the cafe, where I stared out the window, drank a latte and ate coffee cake, and began a snowflake outline.

The funny thing is, I only had a couple of hours to write, but while I wasn't writing, I got so much else done. Cleaning and cooking and working with kids and painting and blogging.

It is so terribly hard to sit down and start writing when you haven't been writing and you are out of practice, but when you actually get started, the momentum can carry you forward in all sorts of productive ways.

And that's what I'm working on, getting a creative momentum going, building up those good writing habits, pulling together the supplies I need, getting out the ideas so that I am not stopped by "what do I do next." And staring out the window, mulling things over. That too.

What do you do to get your creative momentum going? Do you have creative habits? Talismans? Schedules?  Routines?

This is What I Would Do, Grounded Girl

What I Would Do, Grounded Girl

acrylic and gold paint pen on moleskine, 5x8"

I painted this one yesterday, inspired by this image. My addiction to pinterest DOES pay off.

Anyway, I've been very caught up in house hold duties. It is my first end of school as a parent, and I am making all sorts of plans to help my son get ready for first grade, since he was still struggling a little at the end of kindergarten. I've made a school alcove and project plans, and have started on some other things, like a paint chip alphabet set. I'll show those when I get a little farther along. I've got a star chart for overcoming challenges, finishing projects and chores and have even made a little box of treats for them when they've hit a certain number of stars.

A lot of work.

I have, however, been letting the novel writing slide. I was at a place in the rewrite where I realized I needed to delete another chapter, and it all seemed like it was going so slow, and I was realizing that I was not able to do this writing thing full time, seeing as I have a job and kids to take care of. For a while, I thought this meant that I should give up, that I would never get to the point I wanted to reach, never finish this book, never publish.

But I think that was part of the process.

When I stepped back a little and realized that this was a marathon, not a sprint, it helped. When I began to think about how everything in my life feeds into my dreams, where I want to go and what I need to do, I stopped thinking that "this" (being the life I am actually living) is blocking "that" (being the life that I dream of living).

So yesterday when I started painting, I was half way into the painting, with all it's layers and ticks and hatches, and I realized that THIS was what I would do. Remember the long term goals, and add up all those little seconds and small efforts and baby steps, and realize that these are what get me to my dreams. These are the things that build up and create the dream as a real thing, not a fantasy.

This one. This life. It's the same as that one. That dream.

What small things in your every day life are leading you, slowly, to your dreams. Honor them.