In Which The Psyche Throws A Temper Tantrum

YES (nononononononono...)

I've been thinking about this post for a while. And each time I think about it, I don't do it.

It's about resistance.

We've decided that we are going to do something. We are going to change our lives. We're going to reach for our goals. We're going to go for that thing that we've always wanted but haven't been able to do and then, we say YES, now it's time for me to achieve.

And we make our goals and set up our tasks and shoot for the stars.

And then we come upon the resistance.

We choose not to sit down and write. Or we pick up that bag of cookies. Or we turn on the tv instead of making those phone calls... whatever it is.

Part of this process of changing our lives and taking action on our dreams is facing resistance.

When we make our commitments, the little angry, scaredy cat inside of us all of a sudden gets really loud and demanding. It doesn't like the idea that it is losing power. The 'no's get louder. The 'yes'es get overwhelmed. It finds its ways to be the center of our attention, to stop the forward momentum that will leave it behind, to be in control of your life.

And this is part of the process.

We all face resistance. We all back slide. We all have roadblocks of our own device. We all have fears and anxieties that flare up and take over like a toddler.

It's okay. You don't have to let the the resistance win.

When my kids have a temper tantrum, I tell them that it's okay for them to feel their upset, to be angry or afraid or hurt, I tell them that their feelings about things are valid, but it is not okay for them to take out their upset on other people, or use that upset to control the family. I send them to their room to feel their anger. I sit with them and talk to them about it.  I ask them if they're ready to move on. I talk to them about what they could be doing now if they weren't having a temper tantrum. I ask them what they'd really like to be doing. And when they are done being upset, they come out of their room and we move on with our day.

That's a child. Your own resistance is something different.

Breathe through it. Relax into it. Accept that your fears and anxieties are valid feelings, but may not reflect the reality of the situation. Acknowledge the resistance. Recognize that this is part of our defense mechanism that has served to protect us. It may not be what we need right now to move forward, so pay attention to the voices that are resisting your forward movement. Thank them for protecting you. And then tell them that you don't need them right now, you are quite safe already and are intent on moving forward with your goals.

And then do so.

Do It Yourself Honey-Aspirin Facial Scrub Mask

 Super Duper Natural Honey-Aspirin Facial Scrub/Mask

Every week, at least once, I give myself this facial scrub mask. I have very sensitive, slightly dry skin, and it has been changing as I've gotten older. I've tried a bunch of different things, but since so many of them don't work out for me, I hate buying new products, only to have them sting or make my skin tight.

Then I found this tutorial on pinterest, and I have decided I don't need to keep looking for and buying fancy skin treatments.

There are three ingredients. Aspirin. Honey. A few drops of water. Period.

 First the aspirin.

Over the months I have developed a technique that I'm very happy with. I use a small medicine cup, one that comes with cough syrup or children's medicine is perfect.   I put three aspirin in the cup. Three is perfect. It is enough to cover the entire face without waste. Then put two or three drops of water on each pill. I just wet my fingers and drop single drops on each aspirin, just looking to make sure each on is in contact with a tiny bit of water.

Try to use non-coated aspirin, but frankly, I use coated. I just need to let my aspirin soak a little longer, I'm sure. I usually wet the aspirin and then by the time I'm done with my shower, it's ready.

 Here is is dissolved and crushed with a finger tip. It smooshes very easily.

Add honey. I add just enough honey to hit the 1 tsp mark. 

It's in a medicine cup so it's easy to measure. Sorry for the blurry picture, I just wanted you to see that it's not very much honey at all. But it is enough to cover my whole face. The other thing about these measurements is that with three asprin, mere drops of water, and less than a teaspoon of honey, you get a mixture that is stiff enough to not drip off your face. I've tried it with more water and more honey and it can be quite a mess.

Mix the honey and dissolved aspirin together until it is a uniform texture. It will be grainy, that's the scrubbing power.

 Apply to face with a couple of fingers and gently scrub in a circular motion. Avoid your eye area. Then let it sit for a few minutes. 10-15 minutes is fine. This is why you don't want it to be too messy. If it's too liquidy it will drip off of your face and down your elbow. If it's a nice thick consistency, you can go do something instead of standing over a sink or holding a washcloth under your chin.

 You could, say, go browse pinterest. :)

Or watch a favorite princess give an impromptu dance recital.

 Then when that's done, wipe off the mask with a warm, wet washcloth. Rinse. Wipe. Rinse, until all the grains are gone. Your skin will be smooth and soft.

Honey is the moisturizer, the aspirin is the exfolliant.

Aspirin is also good because it is salicylic acid which helps clear the skin and is an anti-inflammatory. Honey also has antibacterial and antiseptic qualities. I love honey.

I have never had a reaction to this treatment, even though I often have reactions to facial cleansers and moisturizers that are labelled 'sensitive skin.'

Also, this is natural. No preservatives or anything funky in this facial scrub.

And it's cheap. I like cheap.

Do you have any homemade natural beauty remedies that you have tried and love? This scrub is so simple and easy it's easy to forget not everyone knows about it. As a matter of fact, I didn't know about it until a few months ago, and now I'm a convert.

What beauty secrets would you like to convert people to?

Red Pocket Monster

Red Pocket Monster

felt, thread, buttons, polyfill stuffing.

I made this little guy as a gift for a friend of Gabriel's. Now that I see him here, he looks kind of like this flu bug that's been dragging on.

Oh, I'm not "sick" anymore, but I'm still in the grips of fatigue even as the cough is releasing its hold on my chest. Maybe posting this little monster will help exorcise the little monster bug that is driving me nuts.

I've been wanting to do stuff, to get back to journaling and painting and blogging and writing and businessing, but I haven't had the gumption. I guess I'm just posting to tell you guys that I haven't disappeared. I'm still out here, just lazy/tired.

On that note, maybe I'll go buy that new journal and half pans of paint for my winsor newton watercolor set, from Dick Blick if you were wondering where I get that kind of stuff. Or maybe I will do some jotting in the new business plan I am working on. The dream plan. The creating plan.

I do think that the best way to get started, especially when you have not much energy, is to start getting excited about what COULD be.

Prayers for the Unkempt Garden

Herbal, or Botanical Prayer
ink and watercolor pencil on vintage book page (Alice in Wonderland)
10/100 in 100 Creative Challenge. 6/19/10

My days of drawing in ink on my old Alice in Wonderland continue.

I have to say, I enjoy the prayer like aspect of it. Very much. I keep wanting to take my book with me, like to the grocery store, or when I dropped my almost 5 year old off at the week long preview of kindergarten. (Yes that's right, he's off on his first flight without mama. Can't wait to hear about his adventure.)

I do a little in the morning before work. I do a little at night in front of the tv. I sit on the deck in the sun and draw, while the kids meet neighborhood cats and dogs, after picking blackcap raspberries in our new yard.

Here I've drawn the spindly basil that I bought but haven't had the opportunity to plant into the container herb garden I am planning for the back deck. I've decided to stick to containers, because a whole yard intimidates me, and besides, the deck really is the sunniest spot in my yard surrounded with pines and maples and cottonwoods and mulberry trees.

I am surrounded by plants. And they are really seeping into my soul, I think. This is a very lush land, almost as lush as Florida, but cool. I wouldn't be surprised if bugs started showing up, too... this is a land of bugs, too. Something my budding kindergardner loves.

Also on this drawing is a sketch inspired by/copied loosely from the cover of my old Alice in Wonderland book.




Do you see it there in the gold? I am trying to resist adding gold to my little prayer/drawings. Maybe I shouldn't resist. Don't be surprised if gold starts showing up. I still feel a little guilty about breaking up this book, but it was already well loved when I got it. Already had been sketched in by children, so I just went with it. And it has served as so much inspiration and creation to me, I think it was worth it that this old lady has sacrificed herself for my art. She is still loved, just in a different incarnation.

Not only loved, but she is helping me learn to love my own life, as it comes, imperfect and messy.

No Day But To Day, or Sun Prayer
ink on vintage book page
11/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/19/10

Here is another drawing I did on the day of blackcap raspberries and neighborhood pets. That night I sat down to draw, not knowing what I was doing, but feeling the need to draw a sun, the sun the shines down on us and helps us grow, gives us energy, feeds us, allows us to live. Us, everything, everyone, life on Earth.

What a wonderful sun. What a wonderful world where a design made decades ago can inspire something wild, something precious. This drawing here is still influenced by the front cover, but it's wilder, no longer symmetrical, a little ugly. But while I was drawing it, the song from Rent kept going through my head, and so did memories of picking raspberries, and getting bit by mosquitoes, and the taste of cold iced coffee in the hot sun, and music floating on a summer breeze, and the flickering shade of tall trees. And you know what?

I felt a little bit of the weedy unkempt garden within me begin to bloom. And it was beautiful. And it was sweet. And it was tart. And it prickled me when I moved wrong. And it was life.

Jane Was Here

Jane Was Here
acrylic on paper, 8.5" x 5.5"

This is a painting that I did as a memorial for a preemie baby back in February.

Why do I post it now?

I think because in a way, it relates to yesterday's post, about how what you do does indeed matter.

Jane was a lovely little girl and was loved dearly by her family, and through her mother's blog, Jane reached out and touched many, all over the world. They are still receiving cards and messages telling them that their little girl did indeed affect many. She was here.

Jane isn't here anymore, and although her life was so short, she mattered. Her existence mattered. Her very breath mattered. She was here.

We all matter. What we do affects others and changes them in ways both big and small. The struggles we take on to reach our dreams or to make the world a better place or to raise good people or create something to leave behind, or even to just simply survive... these matter.

Even if it seems there are too many endings, and too many setbacks, and too many good byes and too many heartbreaking disappointments...

It all still matters.

So there.

I have more words on the subject of how we matter, it turns out.

And if you'd like to follow Our Girl Jane and here about how she was indeed here, and perhaps even send her mom a postcard declaring Jane's existence in your life, I'm sure she would be grateful.

The Story of My Days: Yet Another Cold/Flu/Bug.

A Cartoon of Part of My Day, A Couple Weeks Ago, even though Lost was on last night, this was not my yesterday.

Nowadays, I do more laying around, and napping. I've gotten some kind of stomach bug and it kind of has me unmotivated. I don't usually take naps, so the whole nap thing is a sign that I'm sick.

Anyway, that's why I haven't been posting lately. So sorry. I'm just uninspired. Today I had a couple hours where I had enough energy to make some notes and lists and stuff... then the headache came back and I took a nap as soon as the girl went down for her afternoon.

Well, a couple of hours is better than before, so maybe this bug is on its way out and I'll start to get more energy back.

Look! I made it onto the computer to post, so that's another step in the right direction.

I hope to have more to share soon. Right now there is no inspiration or creation. But hopefully soon I will be painting or writing or making stuff again, instead of staring at the tv, reading books I've already read, and falling asleep.

I'm just going with it. I've decided that I'm going to let myself feel like crap, instead of forcing myself to be productive.

I have gotten some ideas about how to fix the slow going first chapter of my novel, though... so maybe the down time has some use, other than recovery.

I feel like crap today (and I'm mean to my kids)

I feel like crap today (and I'm mean to my kids)
What I Wore Today: January 7, 2010
paper pen and marker, 8x5 journal

Okay so today I woke up feeling like I had to stop being such a shlub. Feelin glike it was time to get back to business. Wake up and work and take care of things and start pulling it all back together.

Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of a cold. It's not the worst cold in the world (knock on wood) but I'm still cranky and achey and I cad't breade true by dose.

But I still showered and dressed in real clothes, not the long underwear that I put on two days ago as my regular daily outfit. I swear, I woke up and dressed up in underwear. I had a thought that I should maybe start doing photos and/or drawings of my outfits, just so work at home, stay at home mom me in the middle of a snow storm in Michigan would not go around in underwear in slippers every day.

Okay, well, I'm still in slippers. They're purple terry cloth with little pink roses embroidered on them, but you're just going to have to take my word on that.

See here's another aspect of the REALIZE theme for my year... I need to take care of the daily realities of life, whether that is cooking and shopping and feeding my kids or paperwork or making sure I'm healthy or staying in touch with friends and family or getting dressed in real clothes or doing laundry. See, 'cause all that stuff, that's real life. Just because I'd prefer to read or write or draw doesn't mean I can ignore the real details of life.

Real life is about living in the details, as well as shooting for the dreams. How to balance that?

Still working on that.

I was doing some plans for my calendar, which is kind of turning into a sort of twelve week curriculum for living my life as I want to. I have to remember to put daily realities in there as well as goal setting. I have to also remember to put relaxation and joy in my schedule.

Why is it we so often forget to schedule in time for pleasure in all those obligations we give ourselves?

Flying Girl over Copenhagen, or My Gypsy Heart is Filled with Joy

Flying Girl over Copenhagen, or My Gypsy Heart is Filled with Joy
Golden Fluid Acrylic on paper 8x10"

This is a custom flying girl I did for a literal flying girl. A woman who jumps out of perfectly good planes. I was pretty inspired when I found out that my client was an actual flying girl. My paintings are only metaphorical, dream like, she however, is the real deal. This is one of the projects I've been working on while I haven't been posting.

I thought it would be a good thing to show right now as I'm feeling a little bit gypsy myself, lately.

I've been transplanted from Florida to Michigan for a little while, and am getting used to the new environs. My schedule has been upended. My routine is a kaput. My internal chronology has been set all a wackadoodle. I am bundled in sweaters day in and day out. Who knew that a measly two years in Florida would turn me into a southerner.

And you don't even want to see MY HAIR!!!! Seriously, horrific.

But still, Christmas is sneaking up on us pretty darn quickly and I am working on making some toys for the kids and various other things.

Soon I will be up to making Christmas cookies and Christmas brunch and wrapping presents. I'd better finish those toys pretty darn quickly.

When I get to my camera and get it to work with this computer, or alternately, get my computer online, I will download some pictures of what I have made so far.

If I don't see you around the blogosphere before then, I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Blessed Solstice....

Oh right!!!

That's today!

So, I think I'm going to end this blog post with a little meditation on the Winter Soltice.

What a lovely day, the darkest night of the year, the shortest day.

It might seem grim, that it is so dark, so cold, but to me this is a holy day.

This is the point in the year that marks the return of the light.

With the return of the light, I personally am going to focus on the return of abundance and joy and opportunity and focus and community... and all those other things I would like to see blossoming in my life.

To me, this day is about hope. The metaphor of the return of the seasons holds true for life, for tough times like many of us have been going through. The sun always comes back. Spring always returns.

Nothing stays dark forever.

Surrender: This Is My Life

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, Mixed Media, 2003

writing, left page:
SURRENDER

story/lived/on/story//books/written/lives lived/Born//into the world/wanting love

right page:
some strange impulse of the gods/kissed/laughed//slipped/love/come into/my//self

Let me tell you people. This chapter, 6 years old, sure does come in a proper place in my life, in 2009.

What I struggle with now, lately, is surrender to my own life.

The story that my life is telling in its day to day and its long term living.



The confusion. The hidden, unseen direction that I am flying. The confusion of how to get to the future that I want from where I am now.

writing: This is Life

I think, I think, that by living my life, by accepting it for all its flaws, for all its confusion, for all its sometimes sadness and low points and struggles.

Yes.

Yes.

This is my life.

And you know, sometimes it's okay to be sad. Sometimes it's okay to NOT be productive. Yesterday I was sad, nothing seemed to be working out. It all seemed to be too hard.

So I said to myself, Self, it's okay to be sad. Be sad today. Tomorrow you will get up again and be strong. Tomorrow you will do what you need to do.

And you know what happened?

Instead of being sad the rest of the day, I made my kids dinner and I rearranged their room and I stopped being sad. Well, maybe just a little stuck around, but it didn't take over. And today I got up and did what I have to do and made the phonecalls I needed to make and was much better. All I needed was to accept my state of being for what it was. Isn't that odd? Just let it be, and it let go of its hold on me. I wonder if that would work for other emotions, like fear or anger or frustration or insecurity. I suspect it would.

I'm still a little worried that I won't be able to get my word count up for my nanowrimo book, but you know what, I am definitely living in an imperfect time and space to dedicate all my time and energy to writing a 50k. I just have to accept it for what it is, surrender to my life. Surrender to my desire to write and maybe even surrender to the possible failure in the goal.

But even if I don't make 50k words in November, I will still have written more than I would if I didn't commit to it. I will still have lived my life as it is.

Wild Mermaid Princess Thing in the Jungle, and Me

Jungle Royalty (in the garden) What I Wore Today
September 17, 2009
pitt artist pen, pen on paper

So I've been absent for a while. Turns out that I was far more productive when I was in the middle of the flu than I was after I had been through the worst of it. For the last week or so I have just been exhausted and too tired to do much of anything but moan. So I thought I'd spare you all posts saying how tired I was and I didn't do any painting, anyway, because I kept pooping out once I made lunch for the kids.

To tell the truth, I'm not 100% right now, still a little achey and headachey. BUT only Ivy's high pitch squeal or a brass band can still split my head open, not normal music or the boy's shouting... so it's an improvement. And I still have a little energy, so before it runs away, lets get this post going.

Wild Mermaid Princess Thing in the Jungle

Ivy has been obsessed with Mariana the Mermaid Princess' magic crown (from Dora the Explorer). She has been using her plastic cereal bowl as a crown, and it inevitably slides off of her head and crashes to the floor with a ringing clatter, bringing on that split-open head feeling in mama. So yesterday, I'd had enough and took out a cereal box, cutting it into a crown, then painting it with gesso. I told them they could paint it when it was dry, but Ivy loves hers white.

I've been trying to capture a photo as she runs around the house, saying she has to bring the crown to Mariana. When she ran outside with it this morning, I ran after her, trying to catch the Wild Thing in her native habitat. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I got this one, but she spent most of the time ducking between hanging vines and overgrown elephant ears or tall swaying ferns. The little dickens. She also doesn't think that anything bad will happen if she falls into the pond, because, obviously, she is turning into a mermaid.

So after a few weeks of inactivity and exhaustion from the flu, here's three creative projects in two days. Photo, drawing and crown. Not bad for She of the Flu.

I feel a headache sneaking up. Sigh. I was hoping I could get a little packing down... that's still coming up on the horizon. Just taking things one step at a time, I guess.

An Interlude

The boy in the rain. I safe inside behind a screen door.

You know what?

I have the flu still.

I may not still be sick-sick, but I am recovering. There is a reason for my exhaustion and short temper and body aches. I'm sick.

So today you get a pic that's a few weeks old.

I'm going to chill.

It's important that we learn to take breaks and relax, and understand our own human frailties. don't push so hard.

Take it easy, ma peeps. I'm going to.

More Flu Journal, 91-93

The Key Lime Blossom I Plucked from the Tree
91/100 in 100
watercolor, pen, and Pitt Artist Pen on paper (journal)


Feeling a little better from my bout w the flu, but not well yet. Just not quite as in pain and/or exhausted. Yay for me. Still taking it easy.
Pretzels are Yummy
92/100 in 100
watercolor, pen, acrylic on paper (journal)

Lately I like the idea of paying attention to the mundane, little details of life. I haven't done this kind of art journal in quite a while. I like it though. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sell it, but art doesn't always have to be about commerce.

Anyway, I miss doing art journals. Or plain journals. The internet has beggared my paper journal.

Hero of My Own Story, or Orion Flying Girl
93/100 in 100
Golden Fluid Acrylic on paper (journal)

I saw an orion drawing that was nice. So I thought I liked the idea of a Flying Girl Orion. Whether or not I thought the painting was successful, it's fun to be able to explore in the journal without feeling the need to always have perfect paintings.

There are things to learn from letting go of the reins, from allowing imperfection in, from just going with intuition instead of planning it out. Also from letting yourself off the hook.

It does not have to be perfect.

It does not have to make money.

It does not have to count as art to anyone else but you.

It just has to feel good, feel right, somewhere, in some corner of yourself.

Do some feeling good today.

Flu Journals (89&90/100)

Saying Yes (art journal)
89/100 in 100 creative challenge, 9/1/09

Working on my art journal as I try to take it easy. Maybe I shouldn't have had the coffee in the picture because I think I have the flu. Maybe even the swine flu, but it's not the worst flu I've ever had.

So, soup tonight, lots of rest. Lots of movies and tv for the kids and one more art journal page for my creative challenge tally

In My Hands (art journal)
90/100 in 100 creative challenge, 9/1/09
watercolor and Pitt artist pen on paper

Ten more to go.

Hands are amazing things, you know.

We have lots of power in our hands and we don't even realize it.

Garden Girl and the Soft Place to Land, or Quiet Season

Garden Girl and the Soft Place to Land, or Quiet Season
88/100 in 100 days creative challenge, 8/31/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic

Me, I don't feel so well. Feel like drinking orange juice and eating chicken soup, so I hope you don't mind if I just post this timely painting which I started weeks ago.

I am on painting 88 and this is day 92 of our 100 in 100 days creative challenge. Today, I am working on my magic cat painting and I think I'd like to do an artjournal of lists and dreams and goals.

Okay, everyone take it easy. Be creative. Be happy. Keep on swimming... or go curl up on a sofa with your journal. Or a good movie. Life is for the living, and sometimes it's for the retreat and recuperate.

everything is made of light and shadow

everything is made of light and shadow
87/100 in 100 days creative challenge, 8/26/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic on paper, 5x8" moleskine

Can it be that it is simultaneous? This light and shadow?

I'm pretty sure it is.

There is no light without shadow, is there? It's the same Earth, whether it is night or day. The same coin, whether heads or tails.

So why are we grasping so hard to every little bit of light and pushing away the dark? Why are we afraid of the dark?

Are we convinced that light is the only good, that dark is somehow evil?

I think I'm afraid of the dark. Afraid I won't be strong enough or that it will never end or that there really are monsters roaming in the night, ready to eat me.

What if I never come out of the dark?

But I've already proven that I can withstand the dark. I've already proven that in the darkness when my eyes are closed, I see true visions.

Maybe it's the embracing of the dark that helps us not only survive, but thrive. Maybe if we accept our own darkness (grief, sadness, loss, fear, poverty, constraint, hunger, anger, dissappointment, loneliness, exhaustion, ______ insert dark here) then we won't feel the need to hang on so tightly to the inevitable dying (and rebirth) of the light.

Maybe if we don't hang on to the light so tightly, then the natural cycle of day and night can continue. And in the dark, we can do what we need to do, unafraid. And in the light, we can enjoy it and not run from the deepest shadows in fear, even as the sun is still shining brightly.

Flying Girl in Stormy Skies, or Breathe

Flying Girl in Stormy Skies, or Breathe
3/31/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic

I really try to practice this. Man, life is bumpy sometimes. And sometimes, there's nothing really wrong going on, but it just gets you anyway. Sometimes you get all caught up inside and twisted around and tense and every bit of energy in the world is trapped inside you and you are left just BUZZING.

That's when I try to remember to breathe.

Just in, just out.

It's surprising how just breathing can help to calm you so you can move forward.

It's surprising how just breathing can release the pent up energy into the world, leaving you calmer, if just for the moment.

This is my second painting in a row with gray skies and a cityscape. Rough times? Well, just your general, you know, state of the world. And a couple of prompts that made me think along these lines. This one came from Jess Gonacha. She asks what we want to let go of and what we want to replace it with. so here's my list.

LET GO OF: impatience with myself, control over everything, my imperfection, S's imperfection, anger and resentment, fears of success, fears of failure, perfectionism, the need to do everything NOW NOW NOW, and working all the time.

LEAVE ROOM FOR: abundance, success, peace, enjoying daily living, playing with my kids, music, experimentation, doing grown up stuff like going out, my novel, faith that I am on the right path.

And yeah, what do I do when I need to let go of the tension or the fears or the past? Release. Breathe out.

Leave some lung space for the good air to come in.

oh yeah, prints are here. And my first original drawing is in the shop, too. Look for more to come.

Flying Girl and The Seventh Wave, or Perspective

Flying Girl and The Seventh Wave, or Perspective
2/2/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic, white gel pen.

This is the image that came to my mind while reading chapter four for the book club in the 12 secrets of creative women. This chapter is Surrendering to Creative Cycles.

I've been working for the last few years on what I call, "riding the wave." Life goes up, life goes down, but you can ride that force and get far. Sometimes it feels like you've been overwhelmed by the tsunami, sometimes it feels like you have been pulled under and you don't know which way is up.

I've had occasional depression a few times in my life, and finally found my way out of it. A lot of it had to do with being productive, getting out and spending time with people, taking slow and steady steps to go where I want to go and writing and painting. but when I had my kids, I was hit with something that made it impossible to do my old routines for getting out of the funk.

I was in Post Partum Depression, feeling like somebody foreign to myself, someone who couldn't even write in her journal, and I couldn't get out. That made me feel even worse about myself. When I stopped nursing at a year, the PPD lifted and all of a sudden I could see that it had been there.

And in the year since then, I have worked slowly to ride that wave of my life, embracing the lows where the riptide pulls at my ankles, learning that those are the times when you need to swim parallel to shore and not struggle to make the strides you long for. And also, I have struggled with understanding that the highs, with their light and speed and joy are also only temporary. All is transitory and all gets you in the direction your life is going, if you don't struggle against it.

Another realization I made, while I painted this picture was a surprise, but fit right along with my riding the wave concept.

As I painted it, I realized that if you simply turn the painting over, she is no longer being overwhelmed by that wave and tossed about in the sea, but in fact, taking flight.

Flying Girl and The Seventh Wave, or Perspective (reversed)
2/2/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic, white gel pen.

And that too has been a lesson I have learned in the last year and more. Those lows can be really low, but if you focus on the lessons to be learned, or the small joys to be had, or the faith that there will be a dawn, instead of how hard it all is, then you can see that the very life that was drowning you a moment ago is in fact propelling you to your own fulfillment.

Pardon me for saying, but my painting blew me away.

Nox, or Sleep

Nox, or Sleep
11/17/08 AEDM #16
Golden Fluid Acrylic

Nox is the Roman/Greek goddess of the night. She comes in the beginning, out of Chaos, and from her, a world of gods and goddesses are born.

Nothing will get done if you do not rest yourself. Rest is about renewal. Rest is when your body gets to reenergize, your mind gets to sort and make sense of all the information of the day, your soul gets to take a time out before starting anew the next day. This image serves to remind you that you need to get some sleep. That can be literal sleep, or it can be a step away from a project or problem you are grappling with. Perhaps what you really need is to let your subconscious work on your issues. Perhaps you need to step into the world of dreams and desires, of mystery and what once was chaos. Perhaps you need to trust that if you set a thing down and step away, it will still be there for you when you come back to it.

Just because night falls, does not mean we will never see the sun again. Night points to the necessary darkness in life, the necessary down turn, the necessary winter, the necessary shadow of the light. After night, the morning will come, I guarantee you. So let go, relax, and fall into the sleep that is calling.

If this image is in the reverse for you, it is time to wake up. The universe is sending you a message that you have been away from your life long enough. Time to shake off the sleepies and get yourself the metaphorical coffee. Allow the energy of the morning into your body and your goals. Take the steps out onto the clearly lit path of action and doing. You have gotten your eight hours, and now it is time for you to get going with your day.

I did not paint last night. Nope, not a bit. After putting the kids to bed, a took a rest on my own bed for a minute, and fell asleep for the whole night. That was 11 hours of sleep. I never got my down time to watch tv or to write, but I did get some sleep. It might mean I am catching something, but then maybe I am just burning out on how hard I am working and the fact that daylight savings time is getting my kids up an hour earlier than they did before.

Anyway. I slept a lot. I let the nightly clean up go. I did not paint. I did not unwind, I just sank into a deep sleep. And then, I opened my eyes to a three year old climbing up into my bed, yelling, "WA'E UP!" (That's Gspeak for wake up.)

So technically, I did not paint at all yesterday, but my day does not go until midnight to midnight. It goes from nap to nap. So when I swiftly painted this while the kids were watching Sesame Street, it counts for me as yesterday.

Nano: nada. (total wc still 34 thousand and change)
I read a book all day instead of working. I'm beginning to think I need to work, not everyday, but every week day. I think I need to have two days off a week, just like someone with a real job that gets a pay check.

In my search to have a balance between living and art, in my search to find a career in creativity and still take care of my kids, I am looking for sustainability, not a November crisis surge of writing/painting and then burn out. After I do nano, I still have to revise my novel/novels. And I still want to continue the work of being a professional artist. If I haven't managed to do this yet, it's because I am not looking at it quite as a job, but more as a personal challenge. I will get there. And I will do it the way I do everything.

Baby step by baby step, baby.

NO PICTURES

This week I have:

• Gotten angry at my mother
• Gone to the museum with the kids, my mom and my step nephew
  
• Lost my camera
• Thrown my back out from stress, probably
  
• Had some financial set backs (two, maybe three)
• Started potty training of the boy, again
• Freaked out over a hurricane that was predicted to go right over our heads
• Hurt my back again, due to my constant need to bend down, pick up kids, clean up messes on the floor, move toys, etc.
• Watched the hurricane/tropical storm miss us completely
  
• Needed to spend naps laying down to protect my back
• Been really cranky and moody

This is why I have not written for a little while. Mostly the last one, probably.

I've been trying to figure out what it all might mean. Why, whenever I seem to gain some forward momentum do I keep getting bogged down?

Is there meaning behind it at all, or is it just random happenings that I put meaning on to? I don't believe that the universe/fate/god/thepowersthatbe would be so micromanaging as to cause me to lose my camera to learn a lesson, or send me in another direction or have me reach a new direction or whatever.

But perhaps ther is something about dealing with these setbacks that creates the life that you live. There's no way to avoid struggle and pain, right? If you were to avoid it at all costs, then you might find that you go nowhere, do nothing. Ever. If we try to avoid the pain, we just cause other problems, probably worse ones.

So what do we do when we are faced with obstacles? Do we give up? Do we shift to something else? Do we take a step back and take care of our wounds? Do we try to find new ways around the obstacle? Do we prove to ourselves how much we really want our goals and break down those walls, find a ladder and climb over, open a window, squeeze through a mouse hole?

Does our reaction to obstacles-- rather than the good fortune we receive-- actually define our lives and who we are? I have the sneaking suspicion that is so. And if it is, then we really are the authors of our own destiny, aren't we? There is no external divinity with agency in our lives. Our faith, perhaps can help us in our choices, but we are the ones who make who we are and where we end up.

With that in mind, I am looking for the things that happened/occurred to me this week, inspite of or because of my obstacles.

• I talked to S about our finances in order to get things on a more proactive path.
• S agreed that it was important for me to have a new camera, possibly even a better one, and has managed a way to get it done.
• I have had three separate conversations with people who barely or don't know me about some things I can do for money. And that these came up when I was not expecting it means to me I am not as STOPPED in my goals as I was feeling.
  
• I realized that I could try for grants to fund my creative life. How? I don't know, but it is a possibility if I take my career seriously.
• I realized that I can try to read tarot again. Yes. I read tarot cards, but the kids have made it very difficult to pursue that. Talking to someone, I realized again that I do know what I am doing and have something to share with people. I could also do this online or over email, I believe. Must think about the logistics. Actually, on line/email might mean I can do it around my kids, instead of needing a babysitter to do it.
  
• My back is my back, and the only thing I can do to make it better is to actually RELAX. That means not feeling anxious because I am not doing anything and so staying yoked to the computer doing nothing instead of accepting that I should do nothing. That's right. I SHOULD BE DOING NOTHING. I NEED A BREAK! Messages from the body, I guess.
• I was inspired by Dragonfly Reflections to paint a picture about my memories of childhood which just happen to include my sister and that lead to an inspiration to do a series of these, and that lead to a realization that perhaps I need to remember the good times with my sister and not just the stupid fights and the other things I won't mention because I am trying to release them.
• Perhaps that while my camera is gone, I should focus on organizing my archives and finding other ways to get images on line, like getting my uncle to show me his scanner so I can do that, or figuring out how to post images from the web. Yes I am that bad at technology. I don't know.

Well, this feels really long winded. I know there is more that I am learning from this bout with my tidal wave. Still learning to ride it. I'd like to remember a little more of the good while I am getting tossed about, but perhaps there are no should be's and I should just accept that it is what it is and have faith that soon I will get my bearings and will start moving forward again.

Power Posting, Power Painting, Power Healing

This mixed media piece was done for Inspire Me Thursday. The inspiration was the word "Healing," and I think I really need it right now. It was a timely challenge, seeing as I feel like crap. It's nothing serious, but enough to make me feel like crap and not want to do anything and snap at the kids all morning.


At first I thought of it as emotional healing, but upon waking up and feeling icky, I turned it back into physical.

Here, this is about connecting with the power of your body, your spirit, the universe to readjust the negative energy of pain into something that is healing and gentle. The heat of pain becomes the warmth of the sun's rays. The anguish of hurt becomes the release of allowing yourself to be in pain, allowing yourself to let your body do what it does to heal what is wrong.

Sometimes, I think, allowing yourself to be in pain, not fighting it, not whining "but I don't want to be in pain," lets the good things in. As we resist, we block our natural abilities to recover, maybe making it even worse next time. And here, I am talking about emotional pains too, not just physical.

I did this piece with whatever was in my art pouch. Pen and ink, gouache, egg tempera, paint pen. It's in my favorite journal book that I carry with me everywhere.

Oh. Did I say I actually feel a bit better after focusing on the painting, not my ouchies? Hmm.