Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I've been thinking about what I want my life to be

what I have always wanted my life to be, and that is creative. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I want my life to be about the creative, and the love that goes into it.

Now that my kids are starting to get a little bit older, no longer itsy bitsy babies, I have hopes that I can get back to that desire.

I’m going to take it easy to begin with. It’s hard to go from lump on a log to exuding creativity from every pore. I know this. I’ve dealt with it before. I think I will start by getting back into my journal. Come to think of it, that’s always been the way I got back into my creativity. I haven’t been writing in my journal for a while, because I’ve spent more time writing on line, but there’s some soul searching that doesn’t feel quite right to have out there in public, so I want to get back to my poor neglected journal.

Aside from the journal, though, I want to document whatever creative projects I am doing. That includes writing and art and cooking and decorating and adventures with my kids and kid projects and craft and whatever else I am putting my creative energy into.

It’s kind of like keeping a list of the things in a day that made you happy—it keeps your mind on the happy things, and allows you to let go of the bad things while paying attention to the good. Documenting the creative projects has to make me pay more attention to what I create, and release the frustration and blocks that frequently lead up to that productivity.

I also want to count the small things that I create. And I want to focus more on creating than on beating myself up for all the “shoulds” I am not doing and all the ways I fall short.

Create. Create the space to create. Allow creativity to enter into my life. Acknowledge the creativity that is already flourishing. Enourage my children to create, too.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

I've been absent for a while

Not just from here, but from my life. I haven’t felt well and have been overwhelmed, broke, worried about finding a new place to live, all sorts of things. I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself, too, and have been using excuses about why I don’t… why I can’t… get back on the horse and take care of business.

But I have to take stock and say that this is my life and no one is going to swoop in and save me. Unless that swooper is me.

It’s time to step up and be a warrior—be the hero of my own story. I’m the one who decides the path. I’m the one who takes the steps to get to the end of the path. I’m the one who faces the fears and the monsters. I’m the one who reaps the rewards.

In a way, I think I wish I didn’t have to be the hero. I wish there was a prince in shining armor to take care of me, but even when I found a mate, I didn’t find someone to take me away from what I had to do for myself. All the issues I had before I met S are still there, and would be, even if he was the one who was good with money or organized or whatever…my issues would just be hiding in having someone else take care of them. So even though it’s hard, ultimately, I think it’s for the best.

I think that my life is not meant to be one where my problems are taken care of by someone else, whether that someone is my parents or my partner or the government, or just dumb luck. I think it’s my destiny to struggle with my own flaws and succeed or fail on my own merits.

It’s a scary thought to be responsible for your own fate. I remember when I taught high school, I watched the teenagers struggle with that idea. A lot of them didn’t want to work hard and be in charge of their lives. They wanted some deus ex machina to pop in and change their lives. Get discovered and be a rap star, miraculously become a doctor even though they couldn’t pass science, and never have to worry about money again because they were good people, pass their classes because they were sweet and smart, and they didn’t really have to do the work, did they? It was so easy to see them struggling with this, and so easy to see the path that would take them to real, lasting success… not fairy tale success, but grown up, living the life they chose success. It was a path of hard work and reality, but also of dreams and passion.

I’ve been indulging in my inner adolescent, poor me-ness. I think that’s okay. We all deserve the chance to step back and be sad. There might even be some benefit in that down time. But there comes a moment when you have to tell yourself to KNOCK IT OFF,stop playing the victim, and get back down to the business of being your own hero.

Here I am, standing on the edge, looking out over an unknown land, and instead of woe-is-meing myself into disaster, it’s time to jump. I’ve got to swoop in and save me from myself.

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