Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Are They Sleeping?

Will they stay sleeping?

It's 8:30 pm and I am tapped out. So exhausted. They tag teamed me today again. There was about 15 minutes when both of them were sleeping, the rest of the day one or the other was awake and needing something or crying or wanting to be held or fed or what have you.

I'm choosing not to get down on myself for not having the energy to take G out, or watching too much tv. Or not getting what I wanted done today. I think a lot of it is just exhaustion. Three months of 6 or fewer hours of broken sleep a night, and I'm kind of unraveling.

But I remember the last newborn time, it was just as exhausting. I was also stuck big time in the creating thing. I just couldn't get back into writing or drawing or anything, and I had to chug-chug-chug my way back to myself, like the little engine. This time, I am not so far lost.

This time, I get that I need to organize, need to have a daily To Do list (even if I don't put that list together, I know that I should, and that I could.) I know other women who are mothers, even if I don't go meet up with them all that much.

I also have a project that I am already working on. That's good. I have some 400 odd pages of a novel that needs to be written. My brain has a focus other than kids, I only have to work on the energy and structure to make it happen. I've made the commitment to finish, that's FINISH rewriting this book by the end of September. I want to be able to do NaNoWriMo again in November, so I need to finish this book, since it is the first part of the trilogy.

And I am really excited about the story. No one else has read it at all. I haven't read it, but for the first 75 pages. When I've done me first rewrite, I can start to show it to people. First rewrite by October. Ugh. I wish I was able to read more than a few pages at a time. Ugh doubled. Must commit to my commitment. One hour a day of reading? How does that sound? Doable?

See... I am, truly, very tired, but I start to talk about my book and the juices start to flow. They may not flow quickly, but it's a start. And I think it's going to get better from here on in.

And it's 9pm, and they're still sleeping. I should take out the book.

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