Monday, June 18, 2007

About the Knocking Down of Walls

I think it would be good to not be so stingy with my happiness.

There’s some sort of protective shield I put up against happiness, or maybe showing happiness. What is it? If you’re not happy, no one can take your happiness away? No one can mock you for not being stoic or sarcastic or snarky. Why do we all have to be so snarky nowadays, anyway? Who was it that decided only cornballs are happy? Where did the cool-unhappy connection come from?

Well, I guess it actually makes sense, to be “cool” you are not surprised by things, they don’t shock you or hurt you, or amaze you, and, unfortunately, you are not made happy by them, either. You are cool, cold—ABOVE it all. It’s about not being affected by people or events that happen.

Is that what I want? Do I want to not be affected? To have no one touch me truly? If I wall out pain, am I not also walling out joy? Love? Contentedness?

I’m being stingy with others, too. Witholding myself and my love. It’s sad really. It’s scary to open up. It’s easier to watch tv or go online to an anonymous message board than it is to actually connect with the real people in my life.

You know, I do this in my writing, too. I have been accused of getting so elaborate in the story leading up to the heart of the matter, and then skipping right over the part that is painful or true or exposing.

This is all a strange thought… that it takes bravery to be happy. It takes bravery to knock down the protective walls and allow the joy (and possible heartbreak) in to your heart.

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