This is What I Would Do, Grounded Girl

What I Would Do, Grounded Girl

acrylic and gold paint pen on moleskine, 5x8"

I painted this one yesterday, inspired by this image. My addiction to pinterest DOES pay off.

Anyway, I've been very caught up in house hold duties. It is my first end of school as a parent, and I am making all sorts of plans to help my son get ready for first grade, since he was still struggling a little at the end of kindergarten. I've made a school alcove and project plans, and have started on some other things, like a paint chip alphabet set. I'll show those when I get a little farther along. I've got a star chart for overcoming challenges, finishing projects and chores and have even made a little box of treats for them when they've hit a certain number of stars.

A lot of work.

I have, however, been letting the novel writing slide. I was at a place in the rewrite where I realized I needed to delete another chapter, and it all seemed like it was going so slow, and I was realizing that I was not able to do this writing thing full time, seeing as I have a job and kids to take care of. For a while, I thought this meant that I should give up, that I would never get to the point I wanted to reach, never finish this book, never publish.

But I think that was part of the process.

When I stepped back a little and realized that this was a marathon, not a sprint, it helped. When I began to think about how everything in my life feeds into my dreams, where I want to go and what I need to do, I stopped thinking that "this" (being the life I am actually living) is blocking "that" (being the life that I dream of living).

So yesterday when I started painting, I was half way into the painting, with all it's layers and ticks and hatches, and I realized that THIS was what I would do. Remember the long term goals, and add up all those little seconds and small efforts and baby steps, and realize that these are what get me to my dreams. These are the things that build up and create the dream as a real thing, not a fantasy.

This one. This life. It's the same as that one. That dream.

What small things in your every day life are leading you, slowly, to your dreams. Honor them.

Tumbled, Four Self Portraits

Tumbled, Self Portraits. 1-4

Sharpie, Acrylic Paint, Recycled Chip Board

Yesterday, I had the urge to paint a self portrait. I actually painted one a few days ago that I was not pleased with. I thought, I don't really know what I want to paint... but really, I didn't know HOW I wanted to paint.

So I snapped a picture. This is it. I took my hair out of the bun, and it tumbled down. And I liked the motion in the tumbled hair, so I decided to use it as the basis for a quick drawing/painting.

Then I had some 3x4 pieces of chipboard that I had cut out, because I like to cut my recycling into useful bits. Then I took a sharpie and drew out a quick contour drawing. Moments, it took only moments, and that's the way I liked it.
Tumbled #1

Then I filled the face with titan buff, and outlined the features in black, colored in the hair, added some pink, shaded a bit with pink, buff and black, painted the background with cobalt turquoise and buff, then added the white hilights and shirt.

Tumbled #2

Then I took out another piece of chipboard and did it again. I was afraid to ruin the first one, because I liked the expressiveness of it. Thought maybe I couldn't do it again, it wouldn't be the same, I would lose whatever it was I liked. Except that didn't happen. The next painting, using the same techniques was different from the first, and in some ways better. Some things worked even better. I even went back and added some of the things I learned from the second piece into the first piece, taking from both sketches to improve the painting.

Tumbled #3

Each time I started over, I came to the painting with more to give. And I learned more from each painting. And each painting became it's own, important, individual thing, with something new to reveal about the subject. I like the swoopy feel given by the contour sketches. I like that the features don't stay the same, but there is still emphasis on the same things, the eyes, the cheekbones, the jaw and hairline. I like the way the hair changes shape each time, tumbling through the variations.

Tumbled #4

This is a great exercise to try, to lower your own expectations of yourself, to handle your own fear of not doing things right or not being perfect.

I spent twice as much time on that other portrait (which I'm not showing you) and like it have as much as each one of these. There is something to be said for loosening up, and not being so attached to a perfect outcome.

Try it yourself. Try to make small sketches of the same theme. Or take your recycling and turn it into something, without worrying that you are ruining something valuable. Or take an old story that you have given up on and chop it up, rearrange it, remove characters or throw in a plot twist. Take an old shirt that you no longer wear and make it into something for summer. Chop it up, stitch it back together, add something that is special, but not precious to it. Accept it for what it is, and then make it loved.

Not Knowing and Releasing Attachment

Not Knowing

acrylic and paper, moleskine

5x8"

Life is a mystery.

It is an unknown.

Even if you make plans and believe you know where everything is going, there never is a guarantee.

But you've got to keep trying. You have to have faith that everything is going to work out in the end, or if it doesn't work out, that you learn enough to make the failure worth while.

I like art when I don't know where it is going. Sometimes, when I get too secure in my artistic vision or technique, I feel like I am stifling. I like the questions that are embedded in my creating. I like the results of chance that happen when my brush goes over the page and changes a shadow or silhouette. I like how different colors react against each other. I like being able to consider whatever is happening on my page, taking it for what it is and working to make it more pleasing or more meaningful.

It is hard to do this with life sometimes, when you are expecting certain outcomes and then you don't get them.

I think this is the Buddhist concept of releasing attachment, and it has always been a difficult one.

We think we should have THIS result.

We don't get it.

We are dissatisfied.

What if instead, we live life in the way we go about creating a painting:

Have a rough idea or sketch in mind.

Pick up a brush and take action.

Step back and look at the results.

Decide if those results work for you.

Take action to either change or accept those results.

Move on to the next step.

No railing against fate. No fighting with other people about not getting what you want. No resentment or feelings of failure. Just acceptance of what is. Action without anguish. Moving forward.

It seems like a life lived without attachment, accepting the what-is, would be a much more peaceful kind of life.

But I do believe that releasing attachment requires that you have quite a bit of faith. You have to trust that in the end things will come out all right. That you will be all right. And even if you don't have a guarantee in the results, you need to have enough faith in yourself to believe that you will be able to handle whatever happens next.

Maybe that's why releasing that attachment is so hard, because it is hard to have that kind of faith in yourself.

Oh, and I know that being an artist is not as easy as all that, too. I know that it is hard to release attachment and have faith in our ability to create something beautiful and moving. I know that some artists will burn everything that they have ever created because they are so tortured. I know that when we create, we are also fighting all our demons at the same time. It's interesting to see how creating art can be such a mirror to living life. And I'm glad I get to practice living in my creating. It helps me see the living part with just a tiny bit more perspective.

Standing Still and Dreams

Standing Still/Porch Steps

I took out my camera to take a picture of Ivy riding her bike, and when I turned it on, this is the image I saw in the screen. I said, hells yeah, and snapped a picture. I loved all the textures, the different colors of gray, the leaves, the slippers, and then my constant companions, a journal and my big honking bag.

And then when I was looking for a work of art to post today, I was choosing between two paintings, (yes I have a back log of paintings) one of which I like better, and then this one

Standing Still/Flying Girl

acrylic on paper, 8x5"

I said, it's the same thing.

Standing still, grounding oneself, and still managing to fly.

This is the tension of life, my life, at least. Finding a way to be grounded in the every day living while still letting the imagination fly, while still being creative. A balance between ideas and reality. The dance of the dreams and the what-is.

I can't say I've mastered this dance. I'm still learning the steps. And these steps keep changing. Always new ones to learn.

How do you manage to balance the real world with your dreams?

Cells and Building Blocks

Cells and Building Blocks

pencil, pen, watercolor on paper

5/26

For the last six years, I have been struggling to remember who I am. Where I want to go. What I really want to do with my life. My art.

This is confusing, because I am who I am, even in this time of kids and jobs and housekeeping and normal every day living. I am living my life and I am thankful for the life that I have, but at the same time... it's really hard to maintain focus when there are so many things pulling on you.

This is a different way of living than it was when I was single and had all my free time to devote to writing, art and dreams. Now, half the time, I am still devoting time to writing, art and dreams... but it's the writing, art and dreams of my kids. I don't mean that metaphorically. Working with G on his school work and practicing writing. Setting up projects and helping the kids in their painting, plays, music performances and other creative outbursts (also cleaning up from said creative outbursts). And dealing with nightmares, midnight wakings, bedtime routines, as well as the kids adventures in discovering their own dreams for themselves.

A fully worthy focus.

Except I can't help feeling frustrated at my inability to keep up with my personal goals.

As usual, this blog is about recovering, maintaining and exploring my creative goals. Since the very beginning, when I was trying to get back to being creative after having two kids, this is what it was. But I am creative again. I've found my voice again. Now I want to be heard.

This is a different journey, although a continuation. And I am writing this while the back of my mind ruminates over the bad chapter that I am revising in my novel. I want this book done. I want to finish my synopsis and send it out with my query letters. I want to get OUT in the world.

You'd figure if I really wanted to have my voice heard, I would post more than once a week, but like I said, it is hard to keep my focus in this busy world of living. I guess it is for everyone. And the only way I know to reach for those seemingly unreachable and frustratingly close goals is to take baby steps.

To paint one journal entry.

To write one extra blog entry this week (this makes 2 this week!)

To spend an hour before work (or after or at bedtime or whenever) revising my novel

To carry my "How to Write a Synopsis" book with me and read it whenever I get 15 minutes

To add another print to my etsy shop

To crochet a granny square or two while watching SYTYCD (it's back on, yay!)

To slowly work on organizing my workspace

To take notes on my synopsis in those slow moments at work

To have an artist date with my daughter where we can both paint and draw

To take photos whenever the need strikes me

To never give up on those things I really want, even when my efforts seem useless and it seems I have been working on them for an eternity without much progress, to never give up

To believe and remember and commit even though it's not perfect or easy

To never give up.

I said that part a lot. Never give up. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, wondering if all these years of effort are worth it. But I guess I decided it is.

I'm still at it.

You don't give up, either.

Believe/Grounded

Believe/Grounded

paper, pencil, acrylic paint

8.5 x5"

This morning I sat down to draw with a couple of things in my head for inspirations. One of them here, and one of them here.

But what came out was this painting. Why? What does it mean? I meant it to mean, "I am trying to stay grounded," but as I painted, I got a feeling of anxiety and oppression. Not what I was intending.

And then I began to see the hatchmarks not as time passing, which sometimes is what it feels, but words. Words on a page, words in a book, words spoken and heard. Ideas made real.

And then I thought of this "write one word over and over" prompt from Wreck this Journal. And I had somewhere to go with this piece that wasn't oppressive. I still feel like there might be room on the opposite journal page for words or even color, but right now, this is where I am.

I like this piece. Hope does come out of darkness, you see.

Rock/Rain

A gratuitous photo, because somehow, the painting feels like stone to me, and perhaps some rain. And I took this photo right after I made the painting. And there's nothing like a rock for being grounded.

Of Writers and Divas

La Diva Airstream, articulated paper doll

giclee print, mini brads, ~8.5" high

I've printed out, cut out and assembled my La Diva paper doll. I just wanted to show you how cool she turned out when all put together. I still think she needs a frilly apron, and now a vintage camera, but there wasn't room on the paper when I was drawing. Those "new style" skirts take up a lot of material... fabric and/or paper.

She is far more glam than I will ever be, but I am glad that she was commissioned, because I love her.

I've also put her up for sale in my shop. Finally. I'm trying to get my back log up in there, but there's so much I get overwhelmed. So it's an achievement to put her together, do a photo shoot, edit, and list. And then go and write a post! Geez.

So tell me to stop feel like I'm cheating for putting the same piece up two posts in a row. I already feel guilty for letting my once daily blog slip to once weekly if I'm lucky.
The Writer, Altar Ego, close up of articulated paper doll

giclee, paper, mini brads, 8" tall

And here's a reminder about The Writer. She's up in my shop, too. How exciting. Two new things. And she also serves as a constant reminder to myself that I am working on my novel, however slowly, even if it's just researching the query process.

I also started some polymer clay beads last night, while watching Glee, which I just love. It's an experimental process, but I want a new necklace, so I brought out my clay.

I hope your processes are continuing on. I hope you're not too hard on yourself when you don't get as far as you'd like. I hope you're letting your alter egos out to play sometimes. It's good to play sometimes.

La Diva Airstream/Altar Ego (unassembled)

La Diva Airstream, unassembled articulated paper doll

acrylic paint, pencil, recycled menu

4"x8"

I created this paper doll as a commission, after showing a friend my Writer doll (who is hanging up above my desk with her coffee and manuscript). She wanted a present for her mother on Mother's Day. I whipped it up in a couple of days and assembled it for her as a test. It worked well, and was well received. Alas, I was on such a tight deadline that I forgot to take a picture of the doll once assembled. I am going to have to print up another one to show you. Now I think I want to finish up the other dolls I have, print them up and put them on my etsy shop. Because they are pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

My writer girl keeps reminding me that I should be writing. Sadly, I have not had the opportunity. I keep thinking I should be able to, and then... poof. Yesterday, I wanted to take all day, since I was off both work and childcare, but the power cord to my computer went poof and I spent all morning freaking out, then all afternoon looking for a replacement, then all evening in a funk over where my writing day went. Not productive.

So this morning, half an hour before heading off to work, I wanted to check in here. I know I haven't been writing very often, but I've at least been trying to maintain a once a week presence.

I discovered something interesting though, when I popped into blogger. They now have stats built into the blog system. Who knew? I checked mine out, and found that my most popular entry of all time is this one. Most popular by far. I have no idea how people are finding it, but I read it through and it's a good one. One I should probably listen to. It's decided me on going back to a creativity log, which I have basically been ignoring for the last, oh, couple years. Sometimes I find that I am smarter in the past than I am in the present. Luckily, I have some of my smartness documented on this here blog, so when I get stupid, I can review it and go, "Oh yeah! That works. That's a good idea! Hey, I was pretty smart, but I sure am dumb now." (That last part is probably not productive.)

Why do I do that? Find a system that works and then get lazy? Because I really need this creativity log to keep track of all the various projects and responsibilities that I have.

Perhaps life is continually about making adjustments in what works. I've been wanting to get a writing practice going in the morning before I go to work, but am finding that I am so used to allowing myself the slow waking period, that my time is gone before I know it.

Oh no. I think I have to get up earlier. Oh, drat.

Well, this goes to show that when you want to be an artist of any type, you often have to sacrifice something to the gods of creativity. Lazy mornings. Social life. Money. Well, maybe not, but those are things I have sacrificed.

Ok. Enough talk of sacrifice. Let's get back to focusing on what is done, what has worked, what we have accomplished.

When I begin a new creativity log, I am going to make the new categories like this:

Me (I wanted to skip this, but it is important to remember yourself, particularly when you are a mom)

Writing

Art

Home

Kids

Business (blog and etsy)

Well, maybe that's how I might organize it. I will get back to you when I've actually started using it. I hope I actually start using it.

On another note, I was wondering if any of you had suggestions for new Altar Ego paper dolls. What part of you wants to show up in doll form? What role do you want to remember in a visual manner? I'm working on an artist doll, and a yogini. I think maybe a punk/rockstar might be on the horizon, too. It's fun to draw these girls, and fun to see them come to life when I pin them together. I don't know what it is about the articulated design that just makes them pop, but pop they do.

The Writer/Altar Ego

The Writer, Articulated Paper Doll

card stock, pencil, acrylic paint, mini brads

about 8" tall

I made myself a paper doll to remind myself of who I want to be. Who I am. Oh she's me, no doubt. The kids found her when she was still in progress and carried her around, having conversations with her, "Hi mommy. Are you going to drink coffee now?" She has accessories, like her manuscript and her cup of joe. Obviously, she's busy revising. Or she can pick up her laptop and notebook and get some first draft work done. Or, she can take her journal, pens and pencils and do some process work.

Sometimes I feel like my other roles take over the parts of me that I really want to focus on. I mean, it's springtime and the kids are cute and I have jobs to do, but I don't want to lose my focus on the long range goals. So I make little reminders for myself. Right now, she's hanging over my desk, on a piece of black embroidery floss. She's like my little alter ego. Or maybe she's my altar ego. A little altar to that part of me.

Who are the parts of you that you need to be reminded of? Who is the you inside of you that needs to get out more?

Patience

Patience

ink, watercolor pencil, paper

(can you see the little green buds?)

Ahh, my friends. This process of revising, of getting my head on straight, of organizing my ideas and regaining my creativity? It takes a lot longer than I would like.

The world does not become what you want it to, just because you decide it should be that way.

For that matter, it's not just creative projects.

My kids do not clean up after themselves, no matter how much I want them to keep track of their game pieces or put their books in the book shelf. And the economy does not improve just because I have decided that I am done being at its mercy.

And again, spring does not come just because I am sick of winter.

It is cold and cold and cold, and there's a warm day, and then the snows come, and then it's cold and there's a warm day, and the snowdrops sprout, but not the daffodils, and then the grass blooms, but not the trees, and then it snows again, and then it melts and then the rain comes and comes and comes and comes. And it really seems like it will never be green, and never be bright and never be warm.

But spring comes when it is ready. Spring comes when it has gone through its own process that may or may not be frustrating to us. And then the skies are blue and the trees bud and the tulips smile, and spring is here, it's really here.

Whatever it is you want to develop, whether it is that novel, or that art, or those children or that love or that business, or that stability... it comes in its own process. We work. We strive. We keep at it and never give up, and when it's ready, in its own process, it will bloom.

And we should remember to love it, whatever it blooms into.