Another Door Opens.... I Don't Know Where It Goes

What I Wore Today... what day was it again? I lost track... oh yeah, the 27th.

I got this vintage green wool sweater that has been half felted in it's life time. It's very warm, and I like the little cables about the edges. And the color is somewhere between forest and kelly. Being a winter, green can be a questionable color for me to wear, but seeing as this is a jewel tone without too much yellow, I can get away with it. Plus wearing it with a black turtleneck and a purple tunic/dress helps. Heck, with the black and purple, I could probably get away with beige... which is my deadliest color. Truly, I've tried, and every time I wear beige, I look like a corpse. And not the fun zombie kind.

What am I babbling about?

I've been having a hard time not getting lost in day to day. Blog posting is irregular lately because I don't have as much access to the internet as I used to. I can't jump on while the kids are eating lunch or while I wait for the chicken to roast. Hence... well... a post infrequently. It is what it is.

On the plus side, I have been filling my days with making stuff. I finished the second draft of my novel. At 23 chapters, about 90,000 words and 235 double spaced pages... there it is. Now to send it out to my critical readers and take a break from the writing of it.

I find I don't know what to do with my mornings anymore. I used to write for two hours, but now I just wander around wondering what to do with myself. Come to think of it, it's not just mornings. I'm not watching as much tv, and I don't have my library of books around, so I'm not reading as much, either.

In the absence of writing projects or internet browsing, I have continued with my soft sculpture flying girls, done some of these What I Wore Today drawings, sketched some stuff on my vintage Alice in Wonderland book pages, cooked meals (btw I have to finish up here and start my teriyaki fried rice pretty soon), tried out a new fabric project just this very morning that I won't talk about until I've experimented enough to make me feel quite satisfied, watched some movies with my kids, and done the random other mom things that always fill my day.And I don't get enough internet time to post it all.

Busy, huh?

Even though I feel like I'm standing about, hands in the air, saying "what do I do next?" all day long.

Well that's the thing about messing with your routine.

It forces you to come up with new answers, new outlets, creative solutions.

I still am not so sure why I need to be "productive" to feel good about myself, and if maybe I shouldn't be able to just BE without making something or moving forward with something, but until I get that figured out, I think I'll take stock of all the projects and productivity and creativity I am engaged in.

Oh, what's that quote?

When one door closes, another one opens? Who said that?

There's always the Tom Stoppard quote, "Every exit is an entrance somewhere."

What exits have turned out to be entrances for you? What new doors have you been discovering lately?

I Got Dressed Up for a Five Year Old's Birthday Party. Sorta

What I Wore Today (er... Friday)

Over at Creative Everyday, the theme of January has been "Body." Goodness knows, women in the US today have major issues surrounding Body. Maybe it's everywhere, I don't know.

It's not my favorite issue... I just don't feel like I want to obsess about my body. I've done that and I'm over it. It is what it is. Could I be eating healthier and getting more exercise? sure, but I don't want to make art about it. I have been trying to be more conscious of what I wear, instead of just layering to keep warm, thinking about the style of the layers. And drawing these What I Wore Todays makes me more aware of how I adorn my body and the way it makes me feel about myself.

Although... if you take the theme larger, and think about Body in larger terms, it actually does fit with what I have been doing. First of all, I've given my two dimensional Flying Girls a physical body with these soft sculptures. And then also, I have also been doing a lot of organizational work, trying to EMBODY all these ideas I want to live.

Do lists and schedules and outlines represent "The Body?" In a way, they do. I say this because I have a tendency to avoid physical necessities, whether it is eating the right food at the right time (too much sugar and coffee) or getting the laundry folded and put away.

In a way, we live in our body, right now. And our body has needs. The physicality of life, our basis, our well being.

Actually the theme for next month is "Home" and that leads in so nicely. From making sure our physical needs are taken care of to making sure our home, our house, our security is taken care of.

Well, I live pretty much in my head, so maybe it's good to attack these two, very basic, physical questions with the first two months of Creative Everyday.

Flying Girl Wishes You Love and Light

Flying Girl Wishes You Love and Light
white and cream felt, thread, silver and blue embroidery floss, beads, fiberfill

I am enjoying making these things.

Especially late at night after the kids have gone to bed and I'm too tired to do much thinking. Sewing can be meditative.

I also enjoy the way the sculpture arises out of the medium.

Yes, I have the same pattern for all of the flying girls in the same medium, but the color of the felt or the thoughts in my head, or the time of the year, or whatever happened that day it all combines to make an individual piece that is unlike any other.

I know I am not the best seamstress in the world, but I also enjoy something about the hand made quality, the visibility of the stitches and the knots.

I guess I think that light and love (and life itself) is made of knots and threads and bobbles and mistakes... and sometimes we can turn the accidents of life into something that fairly glows with the livingness of it all.
(rev) Love in blue embroidery

I particularly like the little white bird hanging below, "LIGHT" written in silver thread.

I hadn't planned to go that way, but all while I was embroidering the geometric silver light/shapes I was thinking about what it all meant.

Instead of a banner, I went with a bird.

Sometimes you can just let things flow, you know what I mean?

Trust that it will come out and make sense and become something that you can value, even if it isn't exactly what you thought it would be when you started out.

Oh, hey. Speaking of trusting.... I just posted this in my etsy shop, despite needing to make dinner and being afraid (the real issue) of starting in with a new medium. You can check it out here.

Birfday Card

Birfday Card for Alexander
hand painted and personalized print of original acrylic painting
5"x8"

Yesterday, we had cousin Alexander's birthday party. A great deal of fun was had by all.

I made Alex this birthday card... well, that is not quite correct. The kids directed me.
They picked this painting from my archive, and I printed it out and then painted over it with acrylic paint to personalize it. I was instructed as to colors to use and what needed to go where, and sometimes, when it needed more excitement. Hence the pennant banners.

There were other choices, a couple of Aliens were in close running, and a robot who woulda looked cool with a balloon and birthday hat. But in the end, they picked this one. I actually think I painted it with the knowledge that it could be a "blank" for later prints. I don't know if I'd planned on painting over the print, but hey, it worked pretty well.

We mounted it on construction paper. I did that so that they could draw something inside, but they refused. I think they liked the way it came out too much.

This was on the back. Two prints of their personal ACEOs that I painted for them quite a while ago. One bunny. One monkey. These served as their signatures, I suppose.

They played keep the balloons in the air and duck duck goose and a dog bone game and gramma says and they pulled a pinata apart with hands and teeth (well not the teeth) and then they ate pizza and cake and fell, exhausted, into bed.

Any way, I pulled something while cleaning up the birthday party and now I'm cranky and achey and drinking far too much coffee. Dinner will be chicken nuggets tonight, and then an early bedtime, but I am still pleased with the way the card came out. Maybe I'll do more of these in the future.

Brave

Flying Boy Blessings, or Brave Boy
felt, thread, embroidery floss, fiberfill

One for the girl, one for the boy. They made their requests. I filled their requests.

The requests might change tomorrow.

It's all about moving and changing and adapting and fitting things together so they work.

Maybe that's how I'm going about making these flying blessings. I'm just playing. Poking my fingers with needles and shouting at stuffing that won't go in or knots that happen in innocent thread, but still, just playing.

Sometimes, here's a confession, I get bored of these suckers. Just like I get bored of the paintings, or the cooking, or the potty training, or the list making. Sometimes I wonder what's the point, because, you know what? My kid is still wearing diapers. Or whatever. I mean, things all seem to still be the same as before, so why keep trying to change things or do things over again, perfect them, make something work?
(reverse) please note the felt pennants on the string. I like them.

Oh. Fudge.

Change happens in increments, right?

You have to take the small steps before you take the big leaps. You have to get there before you are there, right?

Do you have to be brave, also? To keep putting all that energy into something that doesn't seem to be getting you where you want to go? Do you have to have faith that what you are doing will take you there, no matter what other people think?

Brave boy tells me sometimes it is brave just to live your life and not apologize for who you are.

Let me tell you, this post started out with a lot of whining, and I had to erase it all...well, most of it. I wondered what the heck it was doing in a post about Brave blessings.

But I just realized. Brave is not being unafraid. It is continuing on in your path, even though you ARE afraid.

So me and my (now deleted) whining was all about fear. Am I wasting my time? Should I choose another path? Is any of this going to work out? Am I ever going to get where I want to go?

Fear. Fear that I'm doing the wrong thing, made the wrong choices, am somehow just wrong all around.

Fear is normal. Fear can be valuable. Fear can point us in the direction we really need to go. Fear can make us take care of things that must be taken care of. Fear can keep us from being hurt.

But it's bravery that helps us to use fear as a tool for reaching our dreams. It's bravery that makes us fight until we are strong enough to stand up to all those fears and succeed.

So, to my Brave Boy, and to all my Brave Readers out there, I wish you good fears, fears that spur you on to find your own inner bravery, your own strength and determination, so that you may go for your dreams.

As scary as that may be.

Flying Girl Blessing, or Joy and Sparkles

Flying Girl Blessing, or Joy and Sparkles
Felt, Thread, Silver Thread, Glitter Glue, Fiberfill

This is the Flying Girl that my girl requested. Pink, she said. So that's what I did, with glitter and silver french knots. She was hung on a string of little pearls within view of my little girl's bed.

What is there profound to say about this Flying Girl?

Perhaps she is just about the happiness of living in this world. Warm hugs from little arms. "My wuv you, mommy," she says when she is half asleep.

Perhaps this Joy girl is about how bright the stars are in this cold and northern sky. Or the way the train passes through, the whistle blowing like something out of an old story.

Perhaps Joy is about recognizing that in the moment, taco night is a good night, and cuddling up in a recliner with an involving tv show while the kids sleep and the tea is warm is what it's all about.

Perhaps Joy is about saying yes to what life is right now. And building what you want life to be, also, having hope that things will become what you hope for, and that you are strong enough and good enough to make it all real.

Perhaps joy is about standing where you are, and feeling that your goals are within your reach.
(reverse) "JOY"

Something else about this Joy girl. My little girl doesn't want it any more. She wants me to make her a purple girl.

Isn't that interesting?

Maybe Joy is also about letting go of old desires, and thinking about what comes next, sometimes. It's always good to be able to let go of things. What we thought we wanted. Our expectations of what things SHOULD be like.

I told Ivy that I would make her a new flying girl, sooner or later, but she'd have to relinquish this one, so that I could add more embellishments to it, make it less a plaything and more a soft sculpture.

Oh I don't know. I don't know where this Joy girl is going.

But I like her just the way she is, for now.

Flying Girl Blessings, or Imperfection (in progress)

Flying Girl Blessings, or Imperfection (in progress)
cotton, fiberfill, thread.

I couldn't get online all day today and only have fifteen minutes to post before I have to do the bedtime routine, and I thought this would be the perfect time to post my meditation on imperfection. And this would be the perfect piece to illustrate it.

So, I had the brilliant idea to do soft sculpture Flying Girls, and the top girl here was my first attempt. I crashed and burned. The fabric burst and I couldn't get the little pieces stuffed and didn't know how to handle the leg that I left unsewn for turning and filling.

I moved on to the felt and had more success and enjoyed putting together new flying girls in 3d (more to come in the near future). Then I came back and tried again, since I'd cut two girls out of the fabric, before I'd tried to sew it and discovered it wouldn't work.

It didn't work again.

Or did it?

I'm thinking there's something here in the Flying Girls abject failure. I'm thinking I like the broken feel to them, the wonkiness, the mess. I'm thinking something profound may come from Imperfection. Or not. They may remain failures.

The truth is, I need to stop waiting for things to be perfect before I go forward. I need to stop waiting for the perfect timing and total mastery and not a stitch out of place.

All the time I am waiting to be perfect, I am not living, I am not getting out there, I am not creating, I am not making dreams happen. I know this, because I've spent much of the last 18 years trying to perfect all sorts of things about me, rather than just diving in.

Dreams don't happen because we are perfect. They happen because we put ourselves out there, we are willing to show our work, willing to stumble, willing to be hurt.

Willing to fail.

Failure is the most important thing I am learning about.

Failure is how we succeed.

The mess of life is actually living.

It's not about living in a perfect home and pristine surroundings, it is about getting things dirty and saying, hell yes.

There is not perfect time to finally be happy, to finally have the life that you've been longing for. There is only now.

Now in it's imperfection, is perfect and true.

You in your imperfection, did you know you were perfect, too?

Flying Girl Blessings, or I am as open as the night sky

Flying Girl Blessings, or I am as open as the night sky
felt, polyfill, thread, silver embroidery floss, recycled bead, paper and golden fluid acrylic
about 6" from top of head to bottom of banner? I forgot to measure. Hanging thread adds another six inches.

Yesterday while browsing about the web, I got the burning urge to make a 3-D flying girl. Something that could exist in our very own world, not just the world on the page.

Sometimes I get tired of just painting. I've never really been a one medium kind of gal, but I've spent the last couple of years mainly diving into paint. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but sometimes I start to feel a little bit confined doing just one thing.

All growing up, I made stuff out of everything. Doll dresses. A little stuffed shmoo that I made with my sister. Crocheted slippers. Little plasticene figurines. Balloon farms. Paper dolls. Bracelets out of purloined telephone wire. Radio shows on tape. Horror stories to read to my Junior High School friends. Macrame friendship bracelets. Beaded necklaces. Lipgloss out of vaseline. Cut paper animals. Twig houses. Sculpee christmas ornaments, beads, dragons and wizards, dice, brooches. And this was all before I ever took being an artist really seriously. It was just something I did because I enjoyed it and it kept my hands busy.

Over the past year or two, I've been watching other artists explore the breadth of creativity, while I was trying to focus down on one or two media. I suppose it makes sense. I needed to explore one medium, rather than bounce around like a jumping bean.

But yesterday, after seeing other people do stuff that I just thought was cool, it was like I bust out and HAD to do something.

I don't have as many odds and ends as I used to. They are either in storage or have been purged. No silver beads or glass mosaic tiles. No sculpee or fabric stashes. No folders of magazine clippings or that package of copper leaf I've been hoarding.

So I went with my leftover supplies from making Christmas softies for my kids.
Flying Girl Blessings, or I am as open as the night sky (back view)
(here you can see the hanging cord and bead)

This ornament is the result of my fevered multi-media jones.

She is actually the second version. The first version was in black cotton and I found her too delicate to turn and stuff. I nearly tore my hair out trying to manage. I still might be able to salvage something of her, but these are both prototypes.

I am not pleased with the materials. Polyester felt is not my medium of choice, but it was what I had on hand. And good for learning.

I do, however like something in the idea, here. I am planning to make more of her. I am thinking I might like to sell these in my etsy shop. I particularly feel like these pieces, more so than a 2-D work of art are about making something real in the world (HA! There's my focus word for the year-- "realize"). To me, this flying girl seems like a wish made real. An idea to focus down on.

That's why I called her a blessing. In my mind, I think this piece is a concrete manifestation of someone wanting to be open to love. You cannot find love if you do not open yourself to it... open yourself to the possibility of love, the possiblity of being hurt, of depending upon someone, or being there for someone else.

I suppose I was thinking about Valentines Day. You know, love and kisses and pink candy. I've never been very good at pink and candy. Well, candy yes, pink hearts and flowers not so much.

Ironically, I have already been commissioned to create another flying girl doll made of pink, for my almost three year old. She wanted this one, actually. I said I'd make her one of ther own. She chose pink.

I suppose I will need to come to peace with my own pink cottoncandy heart and give my daughter her own Flying Girl blessings.

The Back Alleys of Creativity

This is a picture I took this summer in Florida, out in the back alley, where it doesn't look manicured. Where the brick lined alleys are the original, from back before most streets in St Pete were even paved.

I always liked this view of Florida better than the pink flamingo and palm tree and sharp front lawn view.

I always like the undersides of places better than the stuff everyone wants you to see. I liked the roof tops of the old tenements in NYC better than Times Square. I like the layers pulled off of billboards in a collage, better than the shiny new ads. I like to watch the roadies, and imagine how musicians find their music and warm up their instruments better than watching the show. I'd rather be behind the camera than in front of the audience.

Perhaps that's why I spend so much time on my blog talking about the HOWS of creativity, the pitfalls, the alleys where the fears are taken away, the roof tops where we imagine what hasn't happened yet, the roadies working to get the creativity rolling again. What's underneath the pretty show, what made the beautiful happen.

Today, I've been traipsing around the blogosphere, and I have some new ideas bubbling up. I think creating these ideas might fill the hole left by my old routines because I am in a time of transition. I think if I follow these paths, I might have somewhere for my inspiration to go, instead of standing there and staring at the ceiling, wondering what to do next... which is what has been happening lately.

I wonder if I will have something to show tomorrow? Hmmm.

New ideas are fun. Watching them come alive???

cool.

Project Log and Map Making

My little project log sheet.... so I can keep track of how my projects are going, and if I am ignoring something... like myself.

I've been thinking lately about how I manage the ups and downs of life.

I don't know if I would manage so well if I didn't have my creativity to, not only sustain me, but also to figure it all out.

The benefit of the creative habit. You look for new solutions. You look for new ways to see old problems. You look for connections between things. You look for cause and effect. You look for harmonies and dissonances.

I find that I've been doing a lot of doodling to figure out what I need to do next. How odd that I would end up doodling logs and calendars and lists. Is this a doodle? Is this something that my subconscious tells me I need?

I suppose so.

I did get a little lost there in the business of it all for a while. Lost the goals, lost the routines, lost the motivation.

Maybe all my calendaring and logging and marking down of what I want and where I want to go is a kind of map making, a way to find myself where I am.

What kind of map making do you do in your life?

When you get lost, how do you find your way back to yourself?

Funnily enough, as I've just made this connection that I am making maps of my life and my mind, I feel the need to go upstairs and sketch out some more maps. Name my place. Discover where/who/what I am.