Wrestling with Mom Brain

So I'm taking the time that G is watching the Backyardigans to post in my blog. I am having trouble being productive, now, what with the toddler and the newborn. I haven't figured out how to get things done. I feel like there should be a trick to it, somehow.

Somehow, I have the feeling that it's about organizing my time and about building up a routine.

I made a promise to myself that I would revise my novel by the 15th of May. It was supposed to take me one month. I think I'm a week into my challenge and I haven't done squat except for printing it out.

You know, before I was a mom, I could take a whole week to focus on myself and go deep and explore my creativity and work my way up to the writing--- I no longer have that luxury. Not with diapers and making lunch and washing dishes and going to playdates and breastfeeding. And not with the way I collapse in exhaustion at the end of the day when they are finally both asleep at the same time.

So how to focus on the project?

I guess I'll take my tiny opportunities to do my thinking about my project... like during Backyardigans. Work up my writing practice in small steps. I really have to learn to take advantage of those free minutes I do have, instead of turning to some mindless time waster, like surfing the web or watching tv that I'm not even all that interested in.

One thing about having kids is that it can be really motivating. When I was in my twenties, there seemed to be so much time to get my career started I could play around and explore and practice. Now, I know I have limited time. I really do. Both during the day and in the future, because the kids needs are always going to be there, and they are going to be demanding.

I need to learn to use what time I do have and use it wisely. I have no time for the insecurites that plagued me when I was younger. I need to take my creativity as a business, instead of as the romantic life style it was when I didn't have kids.

What steps do I have to take?

1. I need a calendar with a schedule-- both for daily todo items and for whatever is scheduled for that day. Also for deadlines. I also want to be able to keep up with my household duties there, so they don't interfere with my writing time or my brain space. Menu planning, bills, appointments, even cleaning schedules. And I would also like to use it to keep track of my personal goals.

2. To focus in on those personal goals... I need to clarify my ultimate goal and set a deadline for it. Then I need to break down the steps I need to take to get there. Put each of those steps on their own deadline, write them down in my schedule, and take them as seriously as I would take the deadline for paying bills.

3. I need to set aside a regular time for my project. And I need to work on it during that time, no matter how tired I am or how many dishes are in the sink. However, if the kids mess up that time, don't go to sleep or whatever, that does have to come first. And then I have to be flexible and make up for that missed work time later-- no matter how tired I am.

4. I need to take my needs seriously. I need to not blow myself off for a moment of laziness. My REAL needs need to be prioritized over the momentary sense of ease, which is often about fear-- non confrontation.

5. Speaking of non confrontation, I need to ask for help. Firstly, I should request solo time from S. Mom needs time off. I shouldn't be the one who is always sacrificing for the family. Perhaps I should also be asking for my family to babysit sometimes, and not just when I have a doctor's appointment, but on a regular basis. If it were a regular schedule that my sister or father watches the kids, then maybe I wouldn't feel so awkward about asking them to sit. I do have to get over my discomfort with asking for help from others.

6. I think I also have to be forgiving of myself. Because, frankly, I am not at my creative best. I suffer from baby brain and can barely speak a coherent sentence, let alone write one. So I need to allow my work to be less than perfect, or I will never begin, let alone finish. Even if you don't have baby brain, you should release perfectionism-- it's stifling neurosis. I know, I've been fighting my perfectionism for years. I can use this rambling blog as an exercise in letting go of perfectionism. So expect babbling.

7. I need to make being creative a habit. Writing in my blog and/or journal. Maybe painting or doing collages might help. Listening to good music, reading good books, looking at art. You'd think this might be difficult with kids, but this can actually be such a great thing to do WITH kids, even little ones. Taking them to the museum or in and out of galleries. There are so many of them in my neighborhood, why don't I take advantage of that? Playing music, even non kid-music, while playing and dancing with G or putting the baby to sleep. Maybe I should also try reading more than just picture books to the kids. Fairy tales, chapter books. Or maybe I should remember that I love reading and make that my downtime, just before bed activity instead of the more mindless activities. I could make collages with G-- even though he is slightly young for it. Why be afraid of him making a mess? That's more of the perfectionism stuff. I could also do that project I recently heard of... Project 365, I think it's called, where you take a picture everyday to document your year. That's something that can be creative and incorporate the kids.

I tell you, even now I am confused... mom brain, or maybe even this cold I have. I have no idea where I have gone with this entry. Don't know where I started or what I have said along the way. And I'm going to leave it that way. I'm not going back to fix it. I'm allowing it to ramble imperfectly. Maybe later I'll discover I hit on something important.

6 Weeks

Is it a coincidence that yesterday was my 6 week post partum mark? I'm thinking, not really. Recovery from having a baby and being pregnant has been achieved. Maybe it's not just an empty date.

I have been slowly getting back to myself. I was pretty productive yesterday after MONTHS of inaction. Gosh, I hate being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, I like children and babies, but the whole weirdo process of pregnancy and childbirth sucks. Some women love it. Some women are bathed in a soup of happy-hormones. I am not one of them. My hormones are the mean and unhappy ones, the lay on the couch all day ones, the anti-social hermit ones. I wish I had the happy hormones. As I don't, unless S can figure out a way to carry a baby, we're done having kids. (Yippee!)

Now I can stop being an incubator and start being me again.

Of course, after all that time, I have to start slow. I need to build up my routines again and get used to writing and painting and organizing and being out in the world again.

My primary plan is to revise my novel by May 15th. Okay, I actually said something like the 12th, but the 15th sounds better. It's easier to remember, anyway. So yesterday, I printed out my novel, or most of it. I forgot a chapter, but I feel like I achieved something by simply printing it out. I'd better be sure I don't rest on my laurels on this one, because just printing it out isn't really revising, although it is a step towards it. Even writing about it is making me confused. I may have reached 6 weeks, but I am still suffering from baby brain.... that's supposed to continue until 6 months! I can't wait 6 months to be productive, though. I must power through and revise and write and create in any way I can.

Remember, it's the fine art of applying butt to chair.

But right now, I hear the monkey boy calling from the crib, and I must, once again, postpone my artistic ambitions and take care of my day (24hour day) job.

Hibernation Over (hopefully)

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted.

I guess I've been hibernating for the winter. Well, that and having a baby.

Ivy was born on March 2, and she was in such a rush she was born at home! Not intentionally. I actually was getting dressed to go to the hospital and had one sock on when she came. I was only in labor for about 2 and a half hours from the first twinge until she was born. Maybe if I hadn't been in false labor for a month, I would have left the house earlier, but my contractions had, until this point, all disappeared after an hour.

Everything ended up just fine, though, and if I had left for the hospital, that baby might just have come along in a taxi on the Williamsburg Bridge.

Since March 2, I've been recovering-- which has gone pretty easily, and getting accustomed to being the mother of two children under two years of age. I haven't quite figured out how to do it well, but it's not as bad as I was fearing.

I've also been suffering from terrible baby-brain. I can't recall common words, I can't speak in whole sentences, I can't read a book at all. Hmm, most of my difficulties have to do with speech and words. Interesting. Maybe that's the part of my brain that has shrunk. Or maybe that's what distresses me, since my life is all about words-- or it used to be. Now it's all about babies.

I'm hoping that now I've reached that six week post partum mark things will start getting better/easier. It doesn't hurt that Spring is here, even if it is cold and wet, it's Spring. Life wakes back up in Spring, and I'm aiming for the same thing to happen to me.

Viva la Springtime!!!

Mucking Up The Works

I just hit the part in my novel where my outline gets a little fuzzy. So I forced myself to sit down and write it anyway, even though I am not sure what exactly is going to happen in the scene, and I come to realized—a lot of stuff is going on.

And a lot more needs still to happen.

I’m afraid that this is not one novel, but two. Yipes. Did I bite off more than I can chew? All of a sudden, I have an underground movement of the worker class, some new characters that are important, although they may be blamed for a murder and executed, a new and different hidden society in the woods, and perhaps a needed pov from the powers that be.

Worse, none of these things have even been hinted at in my story as it stands now—at 353 pages.

What do I do? Do I just keep writing? Just keep moving forward until the loose ends are tied up? Do I go back into the already written text and add the parts that need to be there? I don’t actually want to do that one, because that requires I read the story and I haven’t yet. Don’t want to. Not yet.

And I really don’t want to let the internal editor in yet.

So I suppose the answer to my dilemma is to just keep writing. Not worry about what’s missing or how long the story might go. Actually, there’s something enjoyable about writing when you aren’t sure exactly what is supposed to happen next. Surprising things occur.

Okay. Back to work. Anxiety gets swept back under the rug. Editor goes back under the rock. Back to being a slave to the word count—even if it’s not as harsh a task master as it was last month.

Onward.

Just Write

I have to say this somewhere, and I don’t want to write it in my NaNo, because that would be cheating on word count. I need my pre-writing pep talk. I need my pre-writing babble. I need my pre-writing slap in the head.

Just write.

It doesn’t matter what you write. Do not be afraid of the blank page or the chapter that is to come. Do not be afraid if it is bad. Do not be afraid if it is good because then you will be afraid that you will ruin it. Do not be afraid of what it means in your life or about who you are as a human being.

Just write.

Take it one letter at a time, one word at a time. Each word leads like a stepping stone to the next. And the next.

Just write.

Trust in the process. Trust in the writing. Trust in the…whatever it is that allows you to create something from nothing. Trust in yourself.

Just Write.

Your job is to commit to writing. Your job is to sit down at the computer (or notebook, or typewriter, or journal, or whatever) and show up as a writer. Your job is to do what you said you do and just write. Your job is to ignore all the fears and insecurities that pop up when you are afraid of something that matters—and just write. Your job is to do it for yourself no matter the outcome.

Just write.

You are the hero of your own story…. and this, this life, this writing, this is it.

Why Be Creative?

I’ve been thinking about why it’s important for mothers to be creative, and have decided that maybe it’s not important. Art, writing, music, etc is not what fires everybody’s soul. Some people love physical activities or the outdoors, or reading, or giving back to the world, or heck, even money. If that’s what gets them going, then that’s what they should be doing for themselves.

I pick art because I’ve been doing it forever and have studied it and taught it and does something important for me personally. But really, what I think is important for mothers is to have SOMETHING outside of children, family, home, partner in which they can feel successful and productive. Something that gives the spark back to them because they do it for themselves, because it feels good and makes them feel good about themselves. Something that gives them purpose, outside of being a mother.

We are mothers, but we are, first and foremost humans. Should the mother in us overwhelm the human?

It’s so easy to get overwhelmed in the living when you have small beings running around who are looking to you to feed them and clothe them and play with them and keep them out of trouble. It’s easy when you look around at all the duties you have to say, “well, I’ll just do all this, because I have to, and then maybe someday I’ll do something for myself.”

But the more often you put off that self-duty, the easier it is to keep putting it off. There’s just so much to do. But taking care of yourself and your passions, having a purpose makes it so much easier and more joyful to take care of all the other little things that are required of moms. And it fills us up so we have more to give our children.

I think we've hit the slump

I’m not feeling very excited about writing a novel or about NoNoWriMo. Looking at everyone’s posts about their progress, it seems a lot of us are having the same problem.

The first flush is definitely gone. It’s a little depressing. Now it’s about getting down to work and plugging away, whether you like what is happening on the page or not.

It’s a struggle to open up my Nano file and start writing. No more adrenaline, no more ‘can I/can’t I hit my minimum?’ It doesn’t quite feel like a joyful game that I’m playing, anymore. Is this why I’m feeling this way? Now I’m thinking of all the other things in my life I am not giving attention to. Fears about writing a bad, boring story are popping up. Insecurity. Thoughts that I’ll never be a novelist, never get published, never make this real. Shouldn’t I be taking care of things that might make my future more secure? Is writing a pipe dream?

Oh boy.

All right. Time to get some perspective. This is part of the process. It is. It can’t all be racing along at light speed. The natural fears and insecurities of living WILL rear their ugly heads. Life has a rhythm. Sometimes it’s up sometimes it’s down, and you just have to ride out the down points.

Writing a novel is hard, just like anything worth doing. And it’s an incredible commitment. There have to be adjustments and difficulties and points where you don’t really want to be tied down to this thing you’ve promised. Do we just power through these points with gritted teeth until it starts to get happy again?

I guess so. And it’s normal. Normal, normal, normal. Breathe deep and continue on.

See more progress on: Do NaNoWriMo

12,517 Words in NaNoWriMo by Day Three. Tell me to Shut Up.

I’ve been doing really well. 5456 words on the first. 4550 words on the second, and today 2511 words. All above the minimum word count. All leaving me far above the mark needed if I want to finish, but…

I just got so lazy today. I had given myself the unofficial goal of 5,000 words a day, so slacking off when the baby went to bed instead of writing, it made me feel bad. Did I happen to say that the word count needed to meet the goals of NaNoWriMo is 1,667 words a day. Not 5,000. Not 2,511—like I wrote today, but I still feel bad about it.

I do this. When I get into something and commit to it, I throw my entire self into it. When I really want something, my standards are far beyond what normal people ask of themselves. I get all perfectionist and intense.

It’s good because I get somewhere, I do good work. (In this case, “good work” means word count, not good writing.) But it’s bad, because when I fall short of my perfectionist standards into the realm of the merely human but still good, I start feeling bad about myself.

I know what I’m doing. I’m in a good place, just being a freak. So, shake it off mamacita. Shake it off.

See more progress on: Do NaNoWriMo

Word count, word count, word count

I wrote 5,456 words today— before 4:30 pm. And after I hit five thousand, which was way over my goal, I gave myself permission to do some other things. I don’t mean play with the baby, this was when he was still sleeping. I set up a graph system so that I can visually track my progress (I’m a visual learner), I read some helpful hints on doing this NaNoWriMo contest, I went on the web and looked around for a while. I even made a writing date to meet with another writing mom in my neighborhood. That last is such an unexpected bonus I can hardly believe it. She even writes Fantasy.

Now, the little one is asleep, and I am watching television. Granted, it is my America’s Next Top Model and Lost night, but I feel good allowing myself that treat.

I feel good also for so exceeding my initial goals. I think this is going to be a lot easier than I first feared. I mean, I’m not getting cocky about what a great writer I am. I just think that the word count is not as formidable as I thought. There were definite moments when I was writing where I could scarcely bear the excrement on the page… but luckily, I had the word count to worry about, and smothered my internal editor.

That’s one of the main purposes in setting myself this challenge, let me tell you. I need an exorcist for the evil internal editor. I still don’t know that when I look at what I have written in December there will be anything salvageable, but I’m going to not think about that now. I am just going to focus on the writing.

Even more than that, I am going to have faith in myself.

See more progress on: Do NaNoWriMo

You Are Not Alone

Something important in maintaining your creativity as a mom, I think… being a part of a community that supports and encourages your creativity. One that holds you accountable for creating. One that can discuss with you the trials and tribulations of being creative, as well as the joys.

I don’t think you necessarily have to go back to art school or join a writing group or a crafting circle. I think even an online community can give you that push. Maybe it helps to have constraints on your creativity… as in write a novel in a month, or finish your painting by monday, or show the group what you have been crafting. As a mom, we put our needs last, a lot. But if we promise someone else that we will do something, maybe it’s easier for us to commit to those things.

I know I blow off my own personal goals to take care of things that affect other people. But what if someone else is watching what I produce creatively? What if they are depending upon it? What if they are keeping watch on my page count?

Somehow, I think it will help me stick to my goals.

I will tell you how this proceeds in a month, when I’ve finished my novel along with all the thousands of other people writing along with me on NaNoWriMo.org

See more progress on: write my book on creativity and motherhood