Friday, January 29, 2010

Another Door Opens.... I Don't Know Where It Goes

What I Wore Today... what day was it again? I lost track... oh yeah, the 27th.

I got this vintage green wool sweater that has been half felted in it's life time. It's very warm, and I like the little cables about the edges. And the color is somewhere between forest and kelly. Being a winter, green can be a questionable color for me to wear, but seeing as this is a jewel tone without too much yellow, I can get away with it. Plus wearing it with a black turtleneck and a purple tunic/dress helps. Heck, with the black and purple, I could probably get away with beige... which is my deadliest color. Truly, I've tried, and every time I wear beige, I look like a corpse. And not the fun zombie kind.

What am I babbling about?

I've been having a hard time not getting lost in day to day. Blog posting is irregular lately because I don't have as much access to the internet as I used to. I can't jump on while the kids are eating lunch or while I wait for the chicken to roast. Hence... well... a post infrequently. It is what it is.

On the plus side, I have been filling my days with making stuff. I finished the second draft of my novel. At 23 chapters, about 90,000 words and 235 double spaced pages... there it is. Now to send it out to my critical readers and take a break from the writing of it.

I find I don't know what to do with my mornings anymore. I used to write for two hours, but now I just wander around wondering what to do with myself. Come to think of it, it's not just mornings. I'm not watching as much tv, and I don't have my library of books around, so I'm not reading as much, either.

In the absence of writing projects or internet browsing, I have continued with my soft sculpture flying girls, done some of these What I Wore Today drawings, sketched some stuff on my vintage Alice in Wonderland book pages, cooked meals (btw I have to finish up here and start my teriyaki fried rice pretty soon), tried out a new fabric project just this very morning that I won't talk about until I've experimented enough to make me feel quite satisfied, watched some movies with my kids, and done the random other mom things that always fill my day.And I don't get enough internet time to post it all.

Busy, huh?

Even though I feel like I'm standing about, hands in the air, saying "what do I do next?" all day long.

Well that's the thing about messing with your routine.

It forces you to come up with new answers, new outlets, creative solutions.

I still am not so sure why I need to be "productive" to feel good about myself, and if maybe I shouldn't be able to just BE without making something or moving forward with something, but until I get that figured out, I think I'll take stock of all the projects and productivity and creativity I am engaged in.

Oh, what's that quote?

When one door closes, another one opens? Who said that?

There's always the Tom Stoppard quote, "Every exit is an entrance somewhere."

What exits have turned out to be entrances for you? What new doors have you been discovering lately?


Lisa said...

Absolutely exactly. Precisely.

No routine and yet so much to be done, random days that go by that seems so busy and yet I can't recall a single specific thing that I did. Each day, a new challenge to find another reason why, another answer to "What now?".

I just keep on moving and have found doors - some trapdoors that I fell through b/c I wasn't being mindful, others serendipitously appeared on my path as if I were heading towards them all the time.

I've a big creative project in the works, but in between dinner, laundry, and the other random things (uh oh - gotta run to pick up my son at the bus stop)...I'm hoping I find out that door is already open when I get to it!!

Wonderful post - thank you for sharing so honestly.

khairun said...

I feel like my inner compass is guiding me to wherever I need to be. Even if I don't particular agree with said compass.
This week I didnt create anything as I had planned. I started it, but it's now sitting around waiting to be finished whilst I try to rearrange and arrange my life before getting to it. Putting it off until I can't put it off any longer.
I'll be going back to work soon. I'm quietly resigning myself to the sad fact that it won't just be my lack of productive energy to contend with, but my lack of time. I'm putting my faith in that inner compass of mine. I have no choice now but to trust it, since not doing so just makes me feel even more frustrated.

Reading your posts, and thinking about the questions you pose, certainly help.

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