pencil, pen, watercolor on paper
For the last six years, I have been struggling to remember who I am. Where I want to go. What I really want to do with my life. My art.
This is confusing, because I am who I am, even in this time of kids and jobs and housekeeping and normal every day living. I am living my life and I am thankful for the life that I have, but at the same time... it's really hard to maintain focus when there are so many things pulling on you.
This is a different way of living than it was when I was single and had all my free time to devote to writing, art and dreams. Now, half the time, I am still devoting time to writing, art and dreams... but it's the writing, art and dreams of my kids. I don't mean that metaphorically. Working with G on his school work and practicing writing. Setting up projects and helping the kids in their painting, plays, music performances and other creative outbursts (also cleaning up from said creative outbursts). And dealing with nightmares, midnight wakings, bedtime routines, as well as the kids adventures in discovering their own dreams for themselves.
A fully worthy focus.
Except I can't help feeling frustrated at my inability to keep up with my personal goals.
As usual, this blog is about recovering, maintaining and exploring my creative goals. Since the very beginning, when I was trying to get back to being creative after having two kids, this is what it was. But I am creative again. I've found my voice again. Now I want to be heard.
This is a different journey, although a continuation. And I am writing this while the back of my mind ruminates over the bad chapter that I am revising in my novel. I want this book done. I want to finish my synopsis and send it out with my query letters. I want to get OUT in the world.
You'd figure if I really wanted to have my voice heard, I would post more than once a week, but like I said, it is hard to keep my focus in this busy world of living. I guess it is for everyone. And the only way I know to reach for those seemingly unreachable and frustratingly close goals is to take baby steps.
To paint one journal entry.
To write one extra blog entry this week (this makes 2 this week!)
To spend an hour before work (or after or at bedtime or whenever) revising my novel
To carry my "How to Write a Synopsis" book with me and read it whenever I get 15 minutes
To add another print to my etsy shop
To crochet a granny square or two while watching SYTYCD (it's back on, yay!)
To slowly work on organizing my workspace
To take notes on my synopsis in those slow moments at work
To have an artist date with my daughter where we can both paint and draw
To take photos whenever the need strikes me
To never give up on those things I really want, even when my efforts seem useless and it seems I have been working on them for an eternity without much progress, to never give up
To believe and remember and commit even though it's not perfect or easy
To never give up.
I said that part a lot. Never give up. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, wondering if all these years of effort are worth it. But I guess I decided it is.
I'm still at it.
You don't give up, either.