Tuesday, July 15, 2008
This is the Way We Roll, Like It Or Not
Have you notice how life goes in cycles? It goes up it goes down. It goes back up.
It goes down again.
Whenever I find myself on a roll in achieving my goals, in getting a hold of my focus again, in being productive and in facing the fears and in writing in my novel and painting my paintings and in taking care of my kids in a loving and creative manner... well, it is just inevitable that roll comes to a stumbling halt.
Or maybe it's not really halting, maybe it's just kind of hiccuping and limping a little.
I have been heading down into a funk. Oh yeah. I've been kind of angry about it, because I've been working so hard on staying positive and being creative and facing the fears and all. Well, funks suck, right? Funkity funk. And then getting angry and upset over it makes the funk worse.
I brought my laptop into a new room today so that I could work on my novel, I pulled up the file, and I just sat there with tears in my eyes and cotton filling my head. I ended up playing spider solitaire for about 15 minutes, before giving up and going back on line to browse.
I thought about starting a fight with S, even though he is in NY right now. Well, not really starting a fight, but bringing up my funkity funk feelings when I know he can't really do anything about it from where he is.
I thought about going to take a nap and recharge my batteries so that I would have the energy to tackle it all, but I often feel worse after naps, so I blew that off too.
In the end, I yelled at my kids too much and let them watch some PBS and started dinner late and felt sorry for myself. I even made bedtime about 15 minutes early because I just needed a time out, and had no other way to get one than bedtime.
But in the end, two things made me feel better.
At bedtime, Mama picked the bedtime story. I read them The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss. I enjoyed it. I could feel my tension slipping away as I rhymed and sing-songed my way through it. Sometimes I don't even need to read the words, they just come out of my mouth automatically.
The second thing that made me feel better is when I sat down to write this post, full of anxiety again, and then I read what I wrote for my first sentence and I said, "yeah. That's right. This is part of the process." All of a sudden the anxiety evaporated as I remembered what I already know. You struggle, you fall, you struggle, you fall. This is how we grow.
And sometimes it hurts.