Monday, July 14, 2008

Face the Fears, Big and Small

Today, as opposed to yesterday, I was filled with fear.

Or maybe I was filled with fear yesterday, too, and my way of avoiding it was to think about being creative? Not necessarily a bad way to deal with it, but is it just sliding the fear aside, without taking care of it?

I think the Be Brave project is making me notice my fear more. Or maybe I started the project because I was aware of all the small fears filtering into my life and making me stall out on all my wonderful goals. Maybe it was only a subconscious awareness, and the project brought them to the forefront.

It doesn't really matter why I am noticing this all, it just matters that it is there.

I even started a list of the things that I am afraid of, but I really want to do or really need to do in order to make my larger dreams come true. Am I brave enough to write them out to you, even though I think, aww, I don't want to admit to wanting these things. See, now I've called myself out, I have to do it. So here goes.

Things I Am Afraid Of
  1. To call myself a real photographer by putting my work out there as "art."
  2. To start painting again-- to make that commitment to being a real artist.
  3. To open a PayPal Account
  4. To ask for babysitting when I do NOT have to work so that I can do creative projects or just decompress from being a mom 24/7
  5. To create a business plan for my dream of a business that is just wisps and wishes right now.
  6. Paint REAL paintings, not just sketches in my journal.
  7. Paint my Tarot/Goddess/Archetype paintings.
  8. Open my Etsy shop
  9. Spend money on new art supplies.
  10. Submit my writing to real opportunities to publish.
That's enough for now. I think you are getting the picture though.

But aside from these reaching for your dream fears, I am afraid of so many other little things. I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone. Things as small as leaving the kids in the playroom and going upstairs to get the laundry make me afraid. It's not a big fear, but it is a fear. I am afraid to start dinner. What might I miss if I start it? Will I lose the impetus towards creativity? Will the kids start screaming and tantrumming? Will I get too tired to go back to work? Will I find nothing decent to eat and spend another night just grazing on the kids discards and leftovers and cookies? Ugh. No wonder I don't want to start dinner.

This train of thought has me thinking something new. What if my legendary laziness is actually fear? What if I am not really a lazy person, but one who is very afraid to try new things, or to give of herself, or to step out into the world and be seen and possible face... what? What if my occasional flakiness is actually fear? Fear of people? Fear of being out of place? Fear of people needing me? Fear of people expecting more from me? Hmm.

Yes. This is very interesting. However, again, once I call myself out on my fear... I kind of have to do something about it.

That's not really a bad thing, because fear, once you look it in the face, isn't really that scary, it's very small. Identify it, and it seems silly. Understand what fear has been stopping you, and you can deal with it.

I don't really know how I am going to deal with it, but now I can see it... maybe it will scatter, like cockroaches when you come into the bathroom at night and turn on the light.

Ewww, Rowena, did you have to go there?


Liz Stone Abraham said...

Lately everything seems overwhelming, like too much work to bother. I don't know if it's laziness or fear or some kind of physiological/psychological interia. Things just seem too heavy to pick up. Am a blob.

Liz Stone Abraham said...

physiological/psychological,inertia,I meant. Jeez.

Anonymous said...

Well, Rowena, you probably did have to go there. This was good to read considering the fight I just managed to have with my son. That's a constant fear.

Eating his leftovers because I'm afraid to cook properly--that's a fear.

Fear of asking for babysitting. Yes--a fear.

Fear of saying I'm a writer. An artist. Fear of accepting a compliment or giving one. Fear of actually being published like I want.

But if you're looking at your fear and trying to scatter those roaches, you've got to be on the right path.

Christy said...

Love dissipates all fears...

Natasha said...

I dig your honesty...I think most people - including me - are right there with are on the right path, you are being a warrior and battling back the need to carry a sword of affirmations ...they help...I think you should carry a sword that has the definition of courage personlized just for should read, "I'm scared but I'm forging ahead anyway."

PS You ARE doing it - look at your willingness to be a part of creativenachos photo project....I'm proud of you

Jena Strong said...

Writing down the fears is such a necessary step towards saying goodbye to them, or watching them become small, or transform.

I'm afraid of not having any good ideas. And my husband calls me the "Jenarator"!

Thanks for your comment on the ice-cream girls. Glad to have found you.

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