Thursday, July 24, 2008

Crazy for Feelin' So Lonely

This is a collage I did for a creative project I am doing with some friends. It was all supposed to be based around the ephemera of my life that I collected. I titled it L.O.N.E.L.Y for some boy/girl type reasons, but upon further reflection (pushed by my friend) I realized that I was not lonely for someone else, but lonely for my SELF. When that came to me, it was like the clouds lifted. Of course! It was the fact that I was surrounded by people 24 hours a day, without any time (especially with the wedding) for myself.

Wow. That was a realization. Well, I knew I wanted some good me time, I knew I wanted to relive my glory days and spend weeks just delving into creative projects, I wanted to wander new cities, exploring galleries and museums and woods and junk shops. I knew I wanted to sit with tea and stare out at the wide open skies, urban, suburban or rural... but I didn't realize how much of my current frustration was coming from the constant gogogo of motherhood and living and familial responsibilities. If it's not the kids, which it usually is, it's the dishes, the laundry, the job, the wedding to go to, the aunt to visit with, the uncle to watch movies and chat with, the dinner to cook. Always thinking of someone else, and even when I am trying to do my own thing, someone else is always on the edge of my consciousness, knowing that my time for myself is limited.

What I really need for my mom creative health-- maybe just for my human creative health-- is to take some time and just be. I'm really glad that during the whole weekend of road trip and wedding festivities there was one afternoon nap time when I was able to just sit out on the beautiful deck with my journal, mostly just staring off into space. It took a good long time of staring off at this view:
before I was able to even open up my laptop with my novel and do some serious creative work.

People talk all the time about how moms need to take care of themselves, but they are so often referring to things like manicures and outings with the girls. Don't get me wrong, those are great things, but what I need like deep breathing is the stillness that allows me to listen to what my soul has to say.


Anonymous said...

Oh, that everything on the edge of my creative time. I understand how you feel. I'm there everyday...

Here's to finding that mom creative health!

kazumiwannabe said...

Been through that too! I love your work and blog, so I've sent an award forward to you. Come to see on my blog if you're interested - you're free to take it or ignore it, do as you feel!

D'Arcy said...

oh, what a view. what a realization, i love those moments of clarity that you just couldn't believe were foggy a second before.

what wedding? i've been in NY and out of the loop lately.

Rowena said...

Mapelba, I think this is the lot of the creative mom. Even when you find your equilibrium, I don't think you get the luxury of staying there.

kazumi, thank you very much. i responded on your lovely blog.

d'arcy, it was my brother's wedding to his girlfriend of five+ years. And I've been out of the loop, too. So exhausted still. I was just over on your blog, wishing I was going on your NYC adventure with you.

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