Thursday, July 31, 2008
Purge the Bad. Make Room for the Amazing
Yes I did. There was a straw. It was the last one. I said I'd had enough and quit my crappy part time job waiting tables in a crappy, if craggily romantic outdoor grill..
Ever quit a job before without prospects? Such a strange, freeing, scary prospect. When I first quit I was giddy with the idea of putting my energy into creating freelance opportunities and my etsy store. Now I am just getting froze up. Good and frozed.
Facing the prospect of actually going after my own dreams without any back up plan, without any distraction (aside from those pesky little children) is a frightening thing. You mean I actually have to make all this stuff MEAN something? I have to put myself out there in the big, bad world and PROVE myself?
Oh it is all feeling so very significant, now. And by "it" I mean everything. This post. Buying art supplies on line. Sketching an idea in my journal. Looking over my old stuff. Watching tv with my kids. What I have for dinner. It is as if every small decision I make is imbued with the heaviness of my success and/or failure.
So in the face of the importance of my every little decision and action, I was surfing around on line (also known as avoidance) and came across this over at Zen Habits and all of a sudden, a light went off or I took a deep breath or something that seemed to make the world work just a little bit better and make a little more sense.
It's not all that significant. Life is transitory, even when we try to hold on. It's okay to play with all the things I want to do. Maybe I don't have to be the BEST painter or the BEST writer, maybe I just have to play with what I love and share? Hmm? Maybe if it's not so significant, then I can take the shot and jump in with both feet instead of taking half-baby steps? Maybe my spiritual development and my development as a human being (as well as that of my kids) is STILL more important than whether or not I ever make six figures as an artist/writer or get reviewed in the NYT or even manage to make a living with it all. And gosh, if I haven't aggressively gotten rid of all the crap in my life this year, then I don't know what I have done. I've left room for creating lots and lots of good.
What kind of delicious mess can I make of my life now? How often can I play with my paints? What pickles can I get the characters of my novel into? What limbs will my kids color with markers? How many chances will I have to try out something new and exciting? (It's EXCITING, not SCARY!)
It isn't about fixing things so that they are perfect. It isn't about making lots of money. It isn't about "saving" my life through internet connections. It isn't about finally fulfilling all the ambitions I've every had.
It is just about living. It is about enjoying my kids and my art and my writing and the sun and the leaves and my favorite shows and my guy and my family and my food. Get rid of the stuff I don't want and/or need. Indulge in the stuff I love. Trust that I am enough just the way I am. Be at ease with the way things are.