My Life: The Teacher, and Some Goals So I Can Keep Moving

Chapter 15: The Teacher

When I did this chapter, back in 2003, I was only a few months out of teaching. I'd quit teaching to follow my art. I could easily have made this chapter about being an actual teacher, which I had loved, mostly.

But I didn't.

No, this chapter became about the ups and downs of life. The shadows and the light. The rollercoaster. The ferris wheel. The ups and downs. The carnival. The wheel of fate.

This chapter became about Life being The Teacher.

How do we learn?? Truly? By living life and taking the lumps and learning the lessons of our mistakes and clawing our way back up when we are down and understanding the heights are only temporary, only just another part of the whirling, twirling ride of life.

In all honestly, I am probably in a low spot in life. It contracts and I draw back, open up smaller doors to let in the light needed.

There's something to say for contracting, making your goals smaller, letting things go. There's something to say for reassessing what is really important and what you really want your life to be about.

So here I am, on the wheel at it's bottom... but, you know, I do have faith that it will be going up soon. I mean, maybe it's stalled out a little, but I have faith, any minute, it could start rising. Or maybe it already has, and I don't notice because the movement is so slow and I am only seeing the lack of altitude.

What can I focus on right now? Well, what I can do right now.

In fact, I am going to write out my goals for November.

1. Write 50k (or more) words in my Urban Fantasy novel for nanowrimo. (I am at 3256 on day 2 1/2)

2. Get back to drawing/painting every day, again. (I think I found a way in. I think I'm going to paint/draw works that are inspired by quotes. I'm looking for inspiration, looking for hope, looking for focus, and wise words from the world's philosophers, writers, artists will help me, I think.)

3. Try to maintain my shop a little better. I've been slacking due to life being uncooperative, but I think I can get some more stuff in there, if I focus.

4. Finish my chapter on Intuitive Painting and Journaling

Hey. I'm going to limit my goals to three. My daily living and my childcare issues are separate. And they take a lot of my time and energy. Although, come to think of it, I am going to add some personal goals to my professional/creative goals above. So...

5. Potty train the girl. I think she's getting close. She never used to pee on the potty but now she is complaining about the diaper. If I can get her to WANT to use the diaper, then I've gotten somewhere.

6. Take care of myself. Make sure I have time to relax. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Take my vitamins.

So there it is. Small goals. Or big ones, but only a few of them.

I think in order to fit those things in, I have to have a schedule.

It might go something like this.

7-8 wake up. Set kids up with Dora and breakfast and write in silence for one to two hours. Get basic minimum word count.

9-10ish play with kids, snacks. Online.

around 11:30 lunch for kids and blog.

12noon to 1: maybe some drawing, reading while kids play outside or watch tv (tv is my babysitter. it may be bad mothering, but it's the only way I get time to work)

1: girl naps. boy watches a movie and/or plays quietly. Write chapter. Or perhaps this is where I get the shop updated. Perhaps I alternate days for this. One day on the chapter, one day on the shop. Or perhaps there's time there for getting writing done.

4pm: girl wakes up, I make dinner.

5pm dinner.

6pm playing, relaxing, reading, whatever

7-8 bedtime.

8pm primetime tv for me. but IF THERE'S NOTHING ON I should just write. After my shows, write.

11pm. Bedtime. I don't know if I can do this, but maybe. I've been having some trouble sleeping, so lets see.

Well, I'm going to work on this goal list and on this schedule. If I alternate days and stick to the schedule instead of goofing off, I should be able to manage something.

Be Do Have

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 13: The Thinker

I have a history of thinking too much. Of getting wrapped up in my thinking and not taking action.

I've been working on it for years, now.


I like this chapter. The white on black. The simplicity.

Be. Do. Am. It says. There's another saying. Be. Do. Have. The concept is that in order to achieve your dreams, you have to Be them first. Whatever you want to have in your life, you have to Be it. You want happiness? Be happy. You want abundance. Be abundant. You want to be a writer? Be a writer.

First the transformation happens in the head. The thoughts. Then you take steps. You do the things that come out of the happiness, abundance, writerliness. You play or offer thanks for what you have or, well, write.

Then after you embody the dream (Be) and after you take action on the dream (Do) then you finally get the results you wanted. You will have the happy life. You will have the wealth. You will have the three book deal with the major publishing company.

Sometimes, we get confused and think we have to HAVE the things before we can live the life we want. Have the perfect job, or the finished novel that's already inside our heads, or life perfect and serene which will bring happiness. But no, we don't reach our dreams by having stuff. We reach our dreams by accepting them inside ourselves and then moving forward from that secure place.

This month I am living into my dream of BEing a writer, by making room for it in my life. I am writing, 2000 words a day if things go my way, word by word, every session I can step away from the madness of a 2 and 4 year old. And maybe, when this draft is done, and I have the solid manuscript in my hand, then I can go on to the next step of this dream of mine.

Believing that I have what it takes to be a novelist. Being a novelist. Researching the agents, sending out queries, taking steps out into the world. Then, then after Being the novelist, and Doing what the novelist needs to do, I will have the publishing contract, and the books in the stores. Yes.

Honestly, that's always where I've been stopped before.

I've never really believed that I deserved it. I stall out. I get scared. I self sabotage.

In truth, I don't see how any of us can reach our dreams if we don't exist in them first. Be Do Have.

Oh, and a little luck never hurt anyone, either.

nanowrimo total: 3444 words. Day 1 1/2

Respect/Ability

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson

An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 12: Respectability.

words (hidden in the tiny hatchmarks)

believe

RESPECT

ABILITY

no more hiding/I say no more hiding/ I am done

On the eve of the eve of nanowrimo, the eve of all sorts of life changes, the eve of the constant work of creating myself, I like this reminder.

The chapter is called "Respectability" which points to something that others think about you. But my chapter is about Respect/Ability... which in a way, at least in this chapter, is about our own thoughts about ourselves.

I get very scared about going for the things I really want.

I am afraid that I am not good enough to succeed.

I am afraid that I am not strong enough to bear it if I don't.

So I have a tendency to avoid committing fully to my dreams.

But the truth is, if we respect our own abilities, the ability to think it through, the ability to live up to the challenges, the ability to create something beautiful, the ability to roll with the punches, the ability to revision and redesign, then going for those thrilling, frightening dreams doesn't have to be so scary.

We don't have to get it all right. We don't have to do it perfectly without stumbles. We don't have to win.

No. We don't have to win. We don't have to be successes. What about that? Is that confrontational? I find it a little confrontational.

We don't have to succeed, we just have to live. We just have to love what we love and run with the beast of our hearts.

My beast wants to take chances and try those things I am afraid of.

My beast wants to write my novels and to get an agent and to be published. My beast wants people to read my books. Oh gosh. No, it doesn't. My beast wants to write stories and get wrapped up in the worlds. Fill journals and paint pictures. My ego is the one that wants to be published.

But if it doesn't work out?

My ego might be crushed, but my beast will be just as happy to continue writing nanowrimo novels and blogging and telling my kids stories and drawing pictures and teaching people. Right?

Oh I don't know. Somehow, I feel that if I believe in my own heart and respect my own abilities, I can be happy with what I do, without public recognition.

What about you? Do you need the win to feel worthy? Or are you okay with just following the beast of your heart, damn publication, damn critical acclaim. Damn riches and wealth?

Are you looking for respectability in the eyes of the world, or are you content to respect your own abilities, and live in your own skin?

Adventures

Williamsburg, Brooklyn; A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, Mixed Media 2003

Chapter 11 Adventure

Here she is, Flying Girl. Jumping and falling and flying and gaining powers and becoming herself. It's so funny to see Flying Girl in other stages of my life. She first appeared when I was in college, but keeps popping up.

This is another timely chapter to my book, because I have to say I am freaked out.

It's looking like the move to California, knock on wood, might actually happen soon, (crossing fingers). It has been postponed again and again and I am kind of at my wit's end about it all. But the possibility of it happening soon is scaring the hell out of me.

I'm a nester. I sit and make my spot in life comfortable. I collect things and get myself a comfy chair and a lot of books and I cook nice food and paint things to put on the walls.

But this move will be a blank slate. A fresh start. From zero, pretty much.

I don't know anything about California except what I see in tv and movies and read in books and hear from distant friends. It sounds cool and all... but it won't be anything like what my life used to be like. Of course, my life now isn't what it used to be like.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping envisioning it.

But I know that the way to handle this kind of fear is to reframe your thinking.

The unkown can be scary... it is true... but you want to know what else it can be? Say it with me.

An ADVENTURE.

Rather than focusing on how frightening it can be to be in completely new surroundings, cut off from the familiar, I am going to focus on the adventure of it. The discovery. The possibilities.

I've never seen the Pacific.

That's exciting.

Or San Francisco.

That's exciting.

I'm looking forward to adventures in thrifting and yardsaling. I love that kind of stuff. I am looking forward to decorating a home.

Come to think of it, I am looking forward to being without all the stuff that often keeps us back. Sometimes it is literal stuff, all the posessions that we hold onto and that keep us in a certain place, sometimes it is our psychological stuff.


When you are in a completely unknown place, without all of those people and places and activities and habits that have shaped your life, are you not free to create the life of your dreams?

This scary move into the unknown, is it not just a super adventure and the chance to focus on all those things I've always wanted to focus on?

Maybe my super powers will be set free. Like this flying girl in her chapter here.

Oh. PS. On the nanowrimo front. Yesterday was a good day. I started off early and made a list of things I had to do, and then... I did them. I know, I know, novel concept. But the more small steps I too towards doing these things, the less they were scary and overwhelming.

I am on stage 4 of the snowflake outline method, and probably won't get to the end, but I never have gotten to the end of that. And I would totally be able to start this baby tonight if it were November 1st. What I'd really like to do is finish my 50k words by the middle of November, so if I do actually move by the end of November, which is one of the possibilities, then I won't have to deal with packing and writing a novel and moving and freaking out all at once.

I have decided the 100 hours in 100 days concept is not working for me. Sadly. I think I'm going to have to let the concept go for these last 100 days of 2009. It's not working. I gave myself the wrong challenge, I think. 100 hours of writing did not work out. It's possible that it is because of the timing and the moving and the upheaval and nanowrimo and everything else that's happening. Under other circumstances it might have been perfect.... but that's one of the things about a challenge, it has to fit your life the way it is.

Lots of Ideas and Flying Girl Enters the Picture

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 7: Ideas
God
Confusion
bounded in a nutshell
love
freedom
fame & success
destruction& rebirth
fear
the notes of a.... song
where I am from where I am going
crazy
believe
the word
Art
joy
strive
spiderweb
dreams
community
work
yes
sleep
possibility


Hey. The ideas spinning through my head 6 years ago are still spinning through my head today.

And right now they are a cloud of ideas, a mish mosh, a cluttered landscape.

Notice, if you please, the tiny Flying Girl on the top right hand of the book. I told you she was not a new idea for me.

So, what to do when your brain is full of ideas, none of which seem to be concrete? None of which seem to be coming to fruition?

You, well, I take baby steps. I plan out the list of things to do. I write out the dreams and the steps I need to take to get there. I remember that the only way to accomplish things is little by little. I remember that all those little steps add up to the journey.

I guess I need to do some planning and listing and organizing and delegating and prioritizing of my lovely ideas/goals.

I know I do. The more I understand all that I have to do, the more I will feel capable of accomplishing the really big things I want.

Step by step. If those ladders didn't have steps in them, they'd just be poles sticking up out of the ground and they would be so much harder to climb.

Oh the terror and the glory of it all

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 7
Terror

Sometimes I think my altered book is reaching out of the past and tweak my nose.

It seems rather prophetic.

How did the book know that I would be infused with terror right about now? Lots of uncertainty and transition, opportunity and commitment, risk and struggle.

Sometimes I try to avoid the whole thing and get busy with tv or pointless web browsing or escapist fiction.

But I can see there are things starting to happen now, and perhaps it's time for me to step out of my mental retreat and enter the world again. Start getting things going. Stop feeling sorry for myself.

glory

Here is my book reminding me that out of terror comes glory. Out of darkness come light. Out of confusion comes order.

You just have to keep going.

I believe in messages from the universe. I believe in synchronicity. I believe that sometimes we have to remember to listen.

So maybe if you stumble across this post today, maybe it's a message to you to remember that the fear doesn't have to conquer you. Maybe you just have to go through it, and have faith that there is indeed glory on the other side of the terror.

Surrender: This Is My Life

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, Mixed Media, 2003

writing, left page:
SURRENDER

story/lived/on/story//books/written/lives lived/Born//into the world/wanting love

right page:
some strange impulse of the gods/kissed/laughed//slipped/love/come into/my//self

Let me tell you people. This chapter, 6 years old, sure does come in a proper place in my life, in 2009.

What I struggle with now, lately, is surrender to my own life.

The story that my life is telling in its day to day and its long term living.



The confusion. The hidden, unseen direction that I am flying. The confusion of how to get to the future that I want from where I am now.

writing: This is Life

I think, I think, that by living my life, by accepting it for all its flaws, for all its confusion, for all its sometimes sadness and low points and struggles.

Yes.

Yes.

This is my life.

And you know, sometimes it's okay to be sad. Sometimes it's okay to NOT be productive. Yesterday I was sad, nothing seemed to be working out. It all seemed to be too hard.

So I said to myself, Self, it's okay to be sad. Be sad today. Tomorrow you will get up again and be strong. Tomorrow you will do what you need to do.

And you know what happened?

Instead of being sad the rest of the day, I made my kids dinner and I rearranged their room and I stopped being sad. Well, maybe just a little stuck around, but it didn't take over. And today I got up and did what I have to do and made the phonecalls I needed to make and was much better. All I needed was to accept my state of being for what it was. Isn't that odd? Just let it be, and it let go of its hold on me. I wonder if that would work for other emotions, like fear or anger or frustration or insecurity. I suspect it would.

I'm still a little worried that I won't be able to get my word count up for my nanowrimo book, but you know what, I am definitely living in an imperfect time and space to dedicate all my time and energy to writing a 50k. I just have to accept it for what it is, surrender to my life. Surrender to my desire to write and maybe even surrender to the possible failure in the goal.

But even if I don't make 50k words in November, I will still have written more than I would if I didn't commit to it. I will still have lived my life as it is.

The Godliness of My Tattered Life

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An altered book, mixed media, 2003

This is one of my favorite pages, in its simplicity. I cut out a bunch of pages into a frame and glued them together then gessoed over them. Trying to find some image of Godliness. A leaf was at hand. I liked it. I even like the way the leaf has browned and the page has yellowed and become spotted (I left this page propped open and on view for quite some time). Perhaps godliness, far from perfection, is actually beat up and faded, a part of the transformation of life... which is a part of the transformation of death, in all honesty.

Life and death. Creation and destruction.

In order to make something, you must make a space for it to exist. In order to gain, you must let go. In order to grow you must destroy the old you. I think too often, we equate destruction and loss with evil. But I think that if we don't understand the place of this "negativity" in the "positivity" of life then we don't really understand life.

Maybe that's when we get stuck on this idea of perfection, thinking we must be only light and no shadows. Thinking we should never be sad or silent, tired or unproductive. Thinking that in order to have something we must have EVERYTHING.

I'm going to tell you, in order to be a mom and be a creative person, I have absolutely had to give up things. I've given up money. I've given up freedom. I've given up socializing. I've given up space. A lot of people would not be willing to give these things up. But for me, I needed to have the room and time so that I could go where I wanted to go. I don't regret these losses.

Well, sometimes, but I am willing to wait to get back to these things.

For instance... nanowrimo is coming quick quick quick. I have been working on my outline about an hour a day... but that won't be enough to get my wordcount up. I am going to have to sacrifice somethings. It's going to have to be the internet and the tv. Sigh. I loves me my internet and my tv, but I really really want to have the space to get this novel out of my head and onto a page.

So I will release. I will let go of my comfortable routine and kill my bad website addiction. I will put a hold on fashion and decor browsing. I will stop watching tv shows that I don't really care about and turn the tv off after the ones I do, even if Friends is on or I might be able to find a movie I'd like to see or What Not to Wear is on right this minute.

Let it go. Say goodbye. Let some things lie silent and fallow... and turn that time and energy towards something that I am committed to.

So there's my godliness for the month of November. The creation of a whole new world. The tatters around the edges of what will be the rest of my life. I like tatters. They have charm.

Nobody Knows

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, Mixed Media 2003

Chapter 6: Nobody Knows

I didn't know how much sense yesterday's post made. I rewrote it about three times.

I tell ya, when you're in the middle of things growing and changing, in the middle of creation and sometimes destruction... not much makes sense.

In order to make sense, I think you have to be able to find some perspective.

Now THAT can be so hard.

The thing that I have realized lately is that life is change. We are always changing we are always transforming and shedding skins, facing fears and dealing with disappointment. We are always reaching for the next goal and releasing the things we used to hold so dearly.

Stability is an illusion. We like to think that things will stay the same, that we will be safe and comfortable in our old shoes. We get settled in our routines and when things happen to shake them up, it can really throw us.

But even old shoes are always evolving... mostly devolving, but changing.

This chapter of my altered book, if I remember, was prompted by a challenge in my women's group at the time. My challenge was to do scraffito... although it was not my preference. If I were to do it today, I'd do something different, change it so that it fits my current sensibilities... but this book is 6 years old and it is what it is. It represents who I was in all of my imperfection. It also marks a spot in my life, and how far I've come.

And this page, for all its imperfection, was about me accepting my life, for all its imperfection.

Gosh I still struggle with this.

I think for me right now, in this period of transition, I have to shrink my goals down to right now where I am. Don't start any new projects (although perhaps do some thinking about future projects,) just keep working on the things I can... my novel, my blog, and my life.

Because the truth is, nobody knows what the future will bring, for good or ill. All we have is right now, today. Right here.

This is enough. Release the ambition and just be present. Say yes to the now. Say yes to this life.
..

The Meaning of Life?

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
Altered book, 2003

Chapter 5: The Philosopher

To alter this chapter of "The Philosopher" I decided to get real. Here's my interpretation of my life. This was the year I'd quit teaching to focus on my art and writing. I was waiting tables and bartending at a Mexican Restaurant in Williamsburg. I was making my book. I was writing. I was even starting to write art reviews for a neighborhood paper. It was fun.

The picture above is me taking a cigarette break outside of my restaurant. I didn't smoke that much, but it allowed me a break, so I took it. Stood there, got some air, watched the people passing. It says here, "The things we do to keep the flame burning, and write our fire in the sky." Those are the lyrics to a Bonnie Raitt song, Luck of the Draw.


Here's the view of my restaurant from the Polish Diner across the street.

I thought about documenting my life itself, not just getting stuck in my head. I often get stuck in my head. You can still see the same tendencies today. I was trying to find my way out of that place.

Sometimes the wind blows, this says. I remember this windy Autumn day wandering around Brooklyn Heights.

Left Page:

Sometimes I wonder if it means anything at all. Does it mean a thing? Everything we think is so important... is it?

All those things you must have, people, choices, experiences-- we think we can't live unless...

But I always see to go on living. I always move on the next and the next and the next.

Maybe this iwhat the buddhists mean by letting go of passion-- that need, necessity, oh so important listing of what life gives to you.

Even my dreams... must I? So important. What will make me HAPPY. But really, will it?

Right Page:

Life has the MEANING I give to it.

I think back then I was in a great anxiety over doing what I thought I should do with my life. I was 33 and feeling the pressure of hitting 30 without reaching what I thought were my goals.

I was supposed to be a novelist, a published, well recieved novelist at this point. I was supposed to be a writer.

Here I was trying to revise the meaning of my life.

Now, today, I'm doing the same thing. Aren't we always?

Who are we? Are we artists? Parents? Students? Writers? What does it mean to succeed or to fail? Is it really about what we achieve? What we possess?

More and more, I think it is less about what we have, and more about what we do. Less about reaching our goals, and more about reaching FOR our goals. Life is a process, not a product. But there is a product that comes out of our process.

It isn't about having children, it is about living with them, helping them grow, laughing with them, enjoying them, disciplining them, teaching them.

It isn't about being a published author, it is about writing those stories that are within you, and overcoming the fears that keep you silent. It is about commiting to your self and your project. It is about taking steps to share with others.

That's the meaning I give to life now. Life is about living.

What is the living that gives your life meaning now?