Flying Girl Does it Anyway, or Follow Your Bliss
72/100 in 100 Creative Challenge.
Golden Fluid Acrylic on paper, 5.5x8.5"
Sometimes things don't turn out as I planned. This painting is different than what was in my head. Sometimes what is in your head doesn't translate into the actual painting.
Sometimes you have to adjust your vision to what is. What is on that page. What supplies you have on hand. What abilities you have. What is in your life. What reality is.
How do we reconcile the dream with the reality?
In my life, I am constantly revisiting that dream, that vision. What is it that I am really focused on? Am I getting stuck on trivial particulars, when it's really a deeper desire I am looking for? Am I expecting it to look a certain way? Am I expecting it to be a certain result when it's really the process that is most important?
Have you sense that I'm not just talking about this painting?
This struggle keeps opening up larger in my life.
This following of dreams while still living and loving the moment. This large vision and small steps. This acceptance of what is.
For instance, in regard to the 100 in 100 days creative challenge... In my dreams, it looks a lot more organized than it is. I am on top of maintaining my blog and keeping up with the other challenge folks (sorry guys). I am painting amazing finished works every single day at the appointed time with good cheer and constant inspiration (haha). I never get pouty. I never drop paintings I don't like. I list to my etsy shop every day. I expand my circle. I get amazing opportunities just because I am. I write a book documenting my journey and helping people along on their own. I hold workshops. The world opens up before my waiting, paint splotched hands.
Hey, listen. Reality is, I also have to live a life while I'm painting, and sometimes that life is tough. I have to take care of my kids 24/7. I have to eat and to sleep. I have to roll with the flow of my days, good or ill. I have to deal with financial stuff and interpersonal stuff and family obligations and my own sometimes rotten moods.
I can't do all that is in my dreams. A lot of those dreams aren't very realistic. And if I could follow my dreams step by step, what would I be giving up? Do I really want to give up those things? I think that achieving your dreams also takes a good deal of work, a good deal of focus, but also a good deal of revisioning. You have to keep focusing in on that dream to make sure it comes clear.
When I think about that dream again, I try to picture what my 100 days will look like at the end.
Will it be organized like a calendar? Will every day be laid out for me to see all the good intentions? Will I be able to check of my accomplishment one to a hundred and know I hit all the marks? Will I have 100 out of 100 like I said I would? Will I get an A?
Is that really why I am doing it? I'll tell you... those numbers get me anxious. If I fail to hit 100 does that mean I fail at my challenge?
Why am I doing it? I am doing it to challenge myself. To grow as an artist. To build up a body of work. To experiment. To develop a creative routine and practice. To build community. To have something to say. To understand what I feel. To explore possibilities. To try new things. To document my journey. To calm my nerves. To live into my ambitions. To show my kids what it's like to be creative. To envision something and then to take small steps towards achieving it. To pass the time. To have some fun. To enjoy myself. To get a kick out of it.
If I think about those goals, I'm doing just fine... although those last three... I think I get so worried about painting count that I get stressed and anxious and forget about the fun part.
I am coming back around to revisioning my goal.
My largest goal, I think, is about life. It's about keeping my center and raising my kids and being true to myself.
Now... if only I could figure out the balance between reaching for my dreams not yet actualized and living a full life right here in the present.