All I Can Say Is I'm Trying 43-48/100 in 100 days creative project

 Fight For It
Pen on recycled menu
approx 4"x4"
43/100
This series here are doodles I did while I was at work. Some of them took quite a bit of concentration. I'm looking into where ideas come from and how the process of doodling can lead into serious paths for creation. Sometimes it's just about allowing the inside of your brain to come out into the outside world.

 Path
red ink on paper
4"x4"
44/100

I started this as a kind of book. My original thought was that the whole book would be the artwork, but come on now... I'm 40 days behind. I need to give credit to myself for everything I've done, not finished, elaborate works that aren't really a day kind of project.

No Thoughts
ink on paper
4"x4"
45/100

The little booklet was supposed to be my thoughts made visual. This was the second page. No thoughts. Oh well. It's still part of the process. Sometimes we get ideas not by directing our thought processes, but by allowing ourselves to be empty and open.

Red Ways to Breathe
ink on paper
4"x4"
46/100

This was more of the doodles. This kind of organic plantish kind of drawing. Somehow, it reminds me of lungs. It reminds me of breathing. Plus the in and out of the drawing, the one by one manner of execution leading to something larger. What larger? I don't know.

Systole/Diastole
ink on paper
4"x 4"
47/100

Don't ask. I don't know.

Sucker
ink on paper
4"x4"
48/100

This is inspired by octopus tentacles. I like circles. I like patterns. I like doodles. I did not know where this was going. I just did it. I guess that's what doodles are.

I have 19 days left in my challenge. Can I do it? I have some new paintings/drawings. I have the photos from my trip. I have a new larger project... not really a day project, also. I have some ideas for new things. I have some things that I haven't photographed yet. I have my kids costumes. I really should count them. They took a lot of creativity. I have to be consistent with my posting, as well as my creating. See, now, a project like this? You have to make commitments, and keep going even when you'd rather not or things get tough. Things got tough for me and I did not keep going, but I recommitted.

There's a lesson there. Life does not really go smoothly most of the time. It's nice when it does, but the real test is how you keep going when things get tough. Give up? Or re-evaluate and recommit? All I can say is I'm trying.

52 more to go in those 19 days. Can she do it?

I'm trying.

Catching Up, 33-42/100 in 100 Creative Challenge

first drawing with old ink

ink, pen and gouache 

33/100 in 100

I've decided it's time for me to document the things I have been making, painting, drawing and creating over the last month or so.

Before, during and after the move, it's been difficult to keep up with what I thought I should be doing, but one of the things about my 100 in 100 days creative challenge, is that it's supposed to be flexible enough to fit into the life of the creator.

So even if I did not paint one painting every day, I want to keep up with what I have done, not only to live up to my challenge, but also to take stock of the creativity I am living, even when I think I'm not being creative at all. Because of that, I need to value all of my creative output.

So this first one I'm showing is the first thing I did when I sat down in my new studio, in the corner I cleared out before unpacking any of my clothes or other living type of boxes. I was more eager to unpack some of the boxes I'd left behind three years ago. Boxes with things like art supplies, books, note pads etc.

I found a moleskine note pad and wanted to do something with it. Then I found some old ink bottles and an ink pen. I thought, "hey I wonder if it is still good?" so I opened it up and started drawing with it. It was still good.

ink and pen

ink and pen on paper

34/100 in 100

Here's a drawing of the old ink bottle and old pen. There's a nice little glass that I found in the room and filled with water (there's a sink in my studio, too).

Girl
ink and gouache on paper
 35/100 in 100

Here's another drawing/painting I did with my ink and pen and a brush. Then I found a box with some old tubes of paint, gouache and acrylic and watercolor. Not all of these tubes were good, but some were. I don't know if this drawing was successful, but I didn't care. The point was to get drawing again.

 Girl in Dark Stars
pen and ink on paper
36/100 in 100

Then I realized that my ink was bleeding through the thin paper from the moleskin book. Not really the heavy art kind of moleskine. So I thought I'd go with the bleed through. I took out the pen again and went over the ink that bled through. This made me think of stars.

Girl in Light Stars
bleed through, pen and ink and acrylic on paper
 37/100 in 100

This is the last page of bleed through and I thought this was the most interesting of all. Rather than drawing more ink on it, I just outlined it. Then I remembered the stars from the last one and needed to add white stars. The white is not paint from my old boxes, but was the acrylic I carried with me from Michigan.

remember your dreams
pen, ink, gouache and acrylic on paper
38/100 in 100

I liked the idea of using something from my past to make something new. I guess that's why I wrote this out. Then used the blue and white to make clouds. Simple, but still it's important.

(don't get lost)
pen and ink on paper
39/100 in100

Maybe a bit of overwhelm here, as I was getting lost in the unpacking and upheaval of moving.

Rain
acrylic on paper
40/100 in 100

More experiments with old materials to see if they are working. This was an old jar of paint that I bought from a hand made paint store in Brooklyn, Sarkana, many many years ago. I don't even know if the store is still open. The color is called "Overcast" and I loved this gray blue color. I guess it feeds into stormy skies.

Rocks
acrylic and ink on paper
41/100 in 100

I also experimented what would happen if I mixed the various media together. Stormy gray, almost muddy. But I liked this one.

Storm

acrylic and ink on paper

42/100 in 100

More storm. Am I remembering storms on the ocean? I always loved seeing them roll in across the sea.

Anyway, I have more things to post. Expect some art-heavy and thought-light posting, as I put more of my recent work up. Here's one reason why we should keep up with our goals, instead of procrastinating and leaving it all for later. It's kind of a bitch to catch up. 

How To Never Give Up (Except When You Just Give Up)

Below by Rowena Murillo

acrylic on paper.  

5.5"x8.5"

30/100 in 100 days creative project

I give up.

Except I don't.

I have made the decision that nanowrimo is not right for me this year. I'm not going to try to write a 500k word first draft of a novel (good or bad) in the month of November for the first time in seven years. It doesn't mean I am giving up, it just means I am giving up on this.

Because what I need to do in a time like this, a time of transition and responsibility and to do lists that are miles long and feeling like I am underwater, is refocus my goals, not to the short term commitments, or the ones I think I "should" do, but to the serious who-I-really-am-and-what-I-really-want-to-do-with-my-life goals.

Sorry nanowrimo, but rather than writing a new novel that I don't really have a plan for and don't really care that much about and which is not really ready to be written, I have a novel (from nanowrimo 2009) that needs a final rewrite and also needs to go out looking for an agent. 

So I give up on nanowrimo 2012.

But giving up does not mean you give up. 

This is what I'm learning about never giving up, believe me, it isn't easy.

Stand by Rowena Murillo

acrylic and graphite on paper

5.5"x 8.5"

29/100 in 100

Life doesn't always care what your intentions and goals and dreams are. Things go wrong. Other things become more important. You don't get where you thought you would get. People say no. Failure happens. You try and try and try and do everything right and you get nowhere. You mess up and make poor decisions and don't always do the right thing and are imperfect and generally human. Your hopes and expectations are dashed.

This is the point where you can decide to give up. Period.

Maybe that's okay. Maybe it's not the end of the world if you give up on your past dreams and let go of where you thought you'd be and just make peace with who and where you are. Maybe you've grown out of your dreams and find other things more important. Maybe you're holding onto those dreams just because you've always defined yourself by those dreams. Let me tell you, you are actually more than your dreams. And you can always find new dreams. You can refocus and discover new goals and passions. There's nothing wrong with that, because there are a kajillion worthy dreams out there and a bazookillion wasy to reach those dreams. 

So give up. I give you permission. If giving up is what you decide is right for you.

Mom by Rowena Murillo

graphite on paper

5.5"x8.5"

31/100 in 100

If, however, you decide that giving up is just not right for you, if your dreams are too integral to your happiness and you just can't bear to let go of them, then let's figure out this not giving up thing.

So okay, it's been hard. 

Things haven't worked out the way you thought they might. Life took over. You feel your dreams slipping away. And, dammit, you are not going to let them go without a fight. What do you do? What do you do?

Figure out where you are right now. What is working? What is not working? Where are you putting your energy? What is feeding your energy and filling you up? What is draining your energy? What do you need? 

What are the absolute, non negotiable necessities in your life? Make sure you have them.

What are the priorities? What has to come first, no matter what? Put them first.

What fills you with joy? What recharges your batteries? Make room for that. You might have to give up other things in order to do so. Think about what is non essential in your life, or things which are destructive even. You can let go of those, even if it's a habit and hard to let go of.

What drains you or weakens you? Either get rid of that or find a way to fix it. (warning: this might take an investment of time, energy and/or money.) 

This is about evaluating your life for what is working for you and what is not working for you. This is about re-evaluating your dreams and goals and needs and the path that you are on.

  

Incandescent by Rowena Murillo

acrylic on paper
5.5"x 8.5"
32/100 in 100

You need to figure out what are the things that fill you up, the things that give purpose to your life, the things that keep coming back to you, no matter how many detours in life you take. Figure out those things. Make them part of your priorities.

 I'm going to be honest.

I do not speak about giving up and not giving up lightly. This is hard work. It is hard to let go of things you were holding onto. And it is hard work to recommit and dig in and make those dreams work, too. But either way, it's worth it

For me, I've decided that I can give up on the exercise of nanowrimo. But I am not giving up on my writing. I am refocusing on my current novel, I am refocusing on my blogging and other non fiction writing. I am also committing to finish my 100 in 100 days creative project, even though I am a month behind. I'll be posting some artwork heavy blog posts, for a while, as I catch up on 100 days project, both posting things I've already done but not documented and new work.

I'm kind of excited to get back to painting, because for me, painting helps me focus and be creative... and this is what I want to be doing.

Back

We have arrived.

My brain is still back in Kentucky somewhere. My goals to create while I was in the car were sadly a bit ambitious. I did finish a stuffed animal that I've been procrastinating with for about 2 years.

At some point, I will get myself organized enough to take photos of all the art and crafts that I have been working on the past couple of months. It's not as much as I'd like, but it's something.

For now, where I'm putting my energy (aside from getting the kids registered in school,) is my new studio. 

This is what it looked like after I moved all the boxes from my kids' room into it.

Yipes.

Well, I had to get the kids a place to sleep, that was first on the agenda. Forget that fact that in order to put everything away, I had to get the studio in order, since it will be storage heavy. When we came back down here to Florida, we were also reunited with most of our stuff that has been in storage. I haven't even gotten through all the boxes, but I've already found so many things that are full of memories.

 Half way through. Still moving boxes and tables.

Boxes moved. Tables moved. Shelves moved. Actually thinking I want the stainless desk back on the other side. I have to experiment with it.  I am looking forward to my thrift shopping and yard saling, looking for a desk chair and a cozy armchair to go along with my soon to be desk.

I love thrift shopping. I love yard sales. I also love the art of the curb side find.

Next to the shelving unit, there is a cabinet that I think used to house an old school stereo system but which I used for my art supplies. It has a pretty inlay, but a patch of missing trim. I found it in the alley here in Florida three years ago. I almost put it back out in the alley when I moved away, but decided to hold onto it, and now I'm glad I did.

Because it turns out that my craft cabinet aka travel kitchen, which was another curbside find but in Michigan, fits perfectly on top of the hulking cabinet with the interesting inlay and curved front. Now I have a full service craft cabinet.

Well, that's one little discovery in my studio. It will make me even happier when I've filled it with all my supplies.

I kind of want to get back to work and finish fixing up the rest of my studio. I think it's time to make a space to take my art and my writing seriously. Because I am super behind in nanowrimo and super behind in my 100 in 100 days creative projects.

Sigh.

Well, like I said, back to work.

Moving House

Moving House

I've kind of fallen down on my 100 paintings in 100 days. A few days in, I discovered that I'd have to move in two months, and as the days got nearer, the stress and time constraints kept me from painting and even more, from posting.

Now, the 100 days is not actually over yet, so who knows, maybe I will manage to put it all together. I mean, I did do these little houses and charms, and perhaps if I count some of the other things I did, not just paintings, I might not be as far behind as I thought... but my 100 days is not moving smoothly.

Speaking of moving, my move is upon me. Today is the day when we hit the road, so perhaps in a few days when the travel is over and the dust has settled and we are ensconced in our Florida home with the warmer weather, I will come back and show you the plethora of travel themed sketches, paintings, feltie and paperclay projects I have done while riding in the car and trying to keep my kids entertained. I packed a bag with all the things I might need to do so. Wish me luck.

I'm going to take this as a lesson not to take things so seriously, to lighten up and enjoy the ride, even if the ride is bumpy. Perhaps I could have kept up with my painting if I had just remembered to breathe, and to do the work I needed to in the time I had, and then to take a break and do my painting when I needed to.

Oh yeah, I'm also doing nanowrimo.org, even though the first week will be rough in the writing department. I can catch up, I know.  I have always hit my word count, every time I've done it, even if I haven't written a successful novel.

Ah ha. I will take the lessons of my 100 in 100 kerfuffle. Do what I need to do. Take some time to breathe and focus on what I WANT to do. The kids can't talk the ENTIRE trip, right? There will be some time to get some brain space to write, right?  Right?

Oh well, I'll just go with the flow. Let the road rise to meet my feet, er, pen. Ok, enough mixed metaphors. I have to pack the last of the bags in the car and take off.

See ya on the flip side.

Flight, Figure It Out, Ambiguous 26-27/100 in 100 Days

Flight
26/100 in 100 Days Creative Challenge
acrylic on paper

I am falling behind in my challenge. I'm afraid that I've bitten off a bit more than I can chew and it's overwhelming me.

It isn't over yet and I'm still working on things and I still have a couple of finished things that I haven't prepared for posting yet and I have a couple of things that I've started and haven't finished yet, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed by everything.

Having a hard time integrating my wishes for things with how to get them all done.

Figure It Out
27/100 in 100 Days Creative Challenge

Heh heh. Maybe that explains this painting. Trying to figure out all the details. Sometimes I'm just trying to figure out all the artistic urges, but more often than not I'm trying to figure out how to make life work, how to balance life and work and art and kids and all.

Ambiguous
28/100 in 100 days creative challenge.

My paintings are making me a bit dizzy. This one reminds me of Vertigo for some reason, or some other Hitchcockian movie. Maybe it's North By Northwest. Falling, flying, running, tripping, surrendering?

Caught between things.

Lets see if art helps me make sense of it all.

Transition- Waiting, Flying and Falling 20-15/100 days

Waiting

acrylic on paper

25/100

I am finding myself having problems, not with my 100 works of art in 100 days, but with blogging said works of art. I've gotten back to my novel writing, too, and while that is going more slowly than my painting, I am moving forward on that. It is hard to find the time to paint, write, blog, work, cook, keep house, spend time with my kids, and various other necessary activities. 

I am also in a decidedly transitional period, and am finding that to affect my concentration and ability to commit. 

 When Camouflage Doesn't Work
acrylic on paper
20/100

There are decisions that need to be made, priorities that need to be adjusted. And I am still figuring out how I want it all to work and how I will manage to get it to work.

and if I surrender
acrylic on paper
21/100

All in all, that means I've slacked on the blogging. Sorry about that folks, but sometimes you have to do what is necessary.

But I am still enjoying the challenge of painting, and painting with a limited palette.

Blue, Gold, White. What happens when you mix them? What happens when you thin them? Use them solo, blend them all together. Paint with them, draw with them, water washes, scumbling, layers, opaque and transparent.

 tilt
acrylic on paper
22/100

This one is confused about what she is. She doesn't know. She thought she wanted to be something else, then she got up in the air, and got lost up there a little.

I'm exploring other ways to integrate the flying girl, I think.

Flying Girl Flies Again
acrylic on paper
23/100

Like this one. Arms akimbo in a swirl of orange.

Is she flying or falling? It's always a question.

Are those bubbles rising up or stones weighing down?

Oh I don't know.

Breathe
ink on paper
24/100

A change of pace. A reminder. A drawing.

Waiting

25/100

This one is my favorite. She started out all gold, then I added color. I'm moving away from the two color palette, although I'm still using variations of blue and gold with the turquoise and brown. The rose actually showed up accidentally. The drawing from the last page in the journal was pressed through the page onto the next page. Only in that one place, though. So I went with it. I like to go with the accidents of life, and see what comes of them. Sometimes it is very interesting, sometimes it just doesn't work.

I have another portrait that I forgot to photograph, then decided I wanted to work on it some more. And I'm working on another figure. I might consider adding layers to that one, too, instead of just the single color.

I can't believe I've been doing this for almost a month already. Time does go fast, and it's nice to keep track of your growth with the little bits of paintings that you leave behind you.

To Remember What has Been Forgotten, 14-19/100 in 100 days creative challenge.

 the rain,
acrylic and ink on paper
14/100

I think there is a lesson to be learned in the ways life gets all complicated and messy and stops working, whenever you've actually started something that will get you where you want to go.

I suppose this is the equivalent of rain on your wedding day, or that black fly in your chardonnay.

Now, I'm not saying it's ironic, I'm just saying perhaps there's a lesson to be learned.

For instance, today, when I wanted to post my back log of 100 in 100 days paintings, my blogger stopped working.

All these great intentions coming to naught.

 She thinks of flowers
acrylic on paper
15/100

It has been said that life puts obstacles in your path to see how much you really want your goals and how hard you will work to achieve them.

Hmm.

It's something to think about. Is it worth it to go after that dream? We can all have happy lives living smaller, can't we? Following the beaten track? Loving and being loved, that's a beautiful thing and completely worthwhile.

If you stopped struggling, trying to reach that goal, and just let yourself be happy in the moment, that would be a wonderful thing... so why are you still struggling? Is there something there that is more important to your life than you have admitted to yourself?

 Pattern
acrylic on paper
16/100

I don't know.

Maybe yes, maybe no. But maybe we need to pay attention to the way life keeps repeating itself. Maybe what's important keeps coming up. Maybe those lessons you haven't learned yet, the ones you keep resisting, maybe those keep coming up.

 Harvest
acrylic on paper
16/100

I hope you have enjoyed my abstract collection of thoughts, philosophies and paintings. It's hard to make sense of things sometimes, when they seem to be all over the place, without singular theme. I am liking the blue/orange thing, and the experimentation it allows... although I'm starting to get bored of the color. I think I've gone pretty far with it.

 Forgotten People
acrylic and ink on paper
18/100

This one is my favorite of the recent pieces.

Sometimes I get it right, I hit a nerve, although I never actually know which piece is going to strike a chord with me.

There are a few things I am repeating here. The blue/orange color scheme. The silhouette of a standing figure (also known as grounded girl in my lexicon, although she doesn't look that grounded to me, and she has feet, where grounded girls don't always).  Another repeated theme is the orange dots/circles/flowers or whatever it is they are.

Sometimes the themes repeating seem to resonate with something else and from that resonance comes a deeper meaning. I think this one has it.

the remembering
acrylic on paper
19/100

The next one is clearly following #18. Forgotten People leads to The Remembering. But this one does not resonate as much. Why? What happened? What failed to happen.

Again, I don't know. I don't know where the journey of each piece will lead.

Every bit of life is an experiment. Every bit of life is an adventure.

Perhaps what needs to be learned here is that we have to take life for what it is, the good and the bad, instead of what we think it should be, or what is lacking. Perhaps we need to keep trying, even when what we try doesn't work out so perfectly. Keep going on that journey. Keep looking for the answers.

Inside, Outside, Upside Down, 11-13/100 Days Creative Challenge

 The Other Side of the River
acrylic on paper, 9/10/12
moleskine
012/100 in 100 days creative challenge

Boy, I am having a challenge keeping up with my 100 in 100 days creativity challenge. I was doing really well with the painting/drawing portion, going off on binges of paint and ink, and then...I just got stopped. The chaos of life and necessities of things I have to do and unexpected twists and chores and the paying kind of work and kids and blah.

But I never said this challenge would be easy, or smooth, and while I have gone through periods of painting every night like clockwork, day after day in a routine that kept me productive and creative, that is never a guarantee and sometimes, it's really hard work to get to that point.

I know life can get in the way.

The point is not to do the challenge without ever being challenged, the point is to meet the challenges, and find a way around them.

 Inside (drawing)
ink on recycled menu, 9/10/12
4"x8"
011/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I'm doing a lot of examination of my life and my art I think, trying to figure out where I want to go with it. Trying not to have the answers. I suppose what I am painting now does have more questions than answers. Is more mysterious, less about illustrating a point. I don't know where it is going, but I am trusting myself to be able to continue on in my journey, to be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.

The things that I thought would be easy are not so easy. The things I thought would be the main struggle are not an issue at all.

the light inside
acrylic on paper
8.5"x 5"
013/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I think I am in a blue period, like Picasso's, just by chance, because those are the colors I pulled out of my paint bag, and those are the colors I have been using for the last two weeks.

The last few times I did this challenge, I would pull out three or four different paint tubes and let my nightly painting be inspired by the randomness of the color scheme. I was surprised and delighted by this painting prompt sometimes, and came up with some of my favorite paintings out of it. Of course, sometimes the painting sucked, but that's ok.

This way of going at it, using the same color scheme again and again with different emphasis on the colors, using some similar techniques, using a limited palette, well, I kind of like it. It feels more poetic and less illustrative to me. It goes deeper. I don't mind. I find myself picking up additional paint tubes or media to add to my three tubes of paint. I don't mind that. As an exercise, I like the ability to become fluid within my constraints.

I know a lot of people think that being an artist is about being free and having no boundaries, but I think the truth is, it's often about it's often about looking through that one inch frame and seeing how infinite you can make that tiny space.

Well, I've run out of time. I have to get ready for work. Before I go, I did want to tell you that I have gotten back to my novel. I am up to chapter three in the revision in my first week of working on it. I don't know how quickly it will go or how consistently I can manage it. I've already found it a challenge to get back to it. I guess we'll see if I can manage to juggle my life of kids and work and chaos and painting and writing. Perhaps the painting and writing can give structure to the chaos.  We shall see.

Woman in Triangles and Woman Lost in Stripes, #9/100 and #10/100

Woman in Triangles
acrylic paint on paper
9/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I have decided to do less story telling about my paintings. I'm okay with not knowing what exactly is going on in them. I'm okay with not having the answers in my art. I saw this vintage photo  of Nita Naldi, sultry silent film star, and it led to #9.

I don't really know what I am doing with it or where I am going, but I am going in this direction, whatever it is.

It really is the most important thing about creating art, I think, committing to making art. Committing to each work of art. Committing to yourself as an artist. Committing to your vision. There's a lot of trust involved in committing to art, or to anything, for that matter. You are trusting that it won't be a waste of time, that you will like what comes of the commitment, that you won't be hurt by what comes up.

There's a lot of bravery involved in committing, a lot of bravery in following your heart.

Woman Lost in Stripes
Acrylic Paint on paper
10/100 in 100 days creative challenge

Especially when you don't know what will come of it.