This is the Path

I decided to be happy

acrylic and pitt artist pen on repurposed paint chip

71/100

This looks like it's folded, but it's not. It's just how the paint chip reacted when I painted it. I guess the paint strips deal with paint better than the tiny lines between the colors, where it's just paper.

I actually came up with this after encountering Illustration Friday's prompt "atmosphere" again and again this weekend. I might like to start doing IF again.

The quote is by Voltaire, and found amongst my collected quotes. I just picked one that resonated with the picture, even though it's not a direct illustration. I don't think it needs to be.
It's the Little Things, or Magnified

acrylic on repurposed paint chip

72/100

This is actually a drawing of a tiny tiny flower that my kids brought me. It was probably one inch from tip to stem. I blew it up and made it work.
Traveling where I am or This is The Path.

ink on repurposed menu

73/100

This was started while I was at work and finished yesterday.

Somehow, all these pieces I did fit together.

Maybe together they begin to make sense. Maybe they aren't little worthless pieces. Maybe the little bits of this and that add up together to make the path and by accepting the path that we're on, may we get to be happy. Maybe the happiness makes the path enjoyable, whether or not we get to the end point as soon as we want.

Maybe.

Hmmmmm.

Flying Girl Adapts to New Worlds, or Fish Lessons

Flying Girl Adapts to New Worlds, or Fish Lessons
003/100 in 100 06/03/09
Golden Fluid Acrylics, Prismacolor Watercolor Pencils on Moleskine paper, 5x8"

I like this one. I don't know if you can tell, but her dress is a green tinted silver, actually like fish scales. I imagine that she has transformed from her sea going fish self into a girl, getting ready to walk around on the land.

Interestingly, this is my second flying girl painting where fishes give lessons. I do not know what that is about.

But I do know that the idea comes from the Illustration Friday prompt, "adapt" which was not enough to give me an idea, so I took a prompt from my 100 in 100 word prompts and combined the two prompts for my picture. Those prompts are coming in handy for me. I will start the tiles so that any who want a set can have their own.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is related to adaptation.

As we begin this creative journey, we are learning our way as we go. I had an email from a 100er (does that nick name work? mmm maybe not) and she told me she had started her creating, but did not have things together yet to post to her blog. Just like I don't quite have it together yet to get the side bar up. Sorry about that.

But it's not about being sorry, actually. It's about creating your life to feed into your creative habit. It's going to take a while to find the timing and details that will make it all come smoothly. It's going to take experimentation with different schedules. We will discover our best times to create. We will discover the things that enable us to capture our ideas, or the things that get the inspiration flowing. We will discover the difficulties that get in our way. Perhaps we will discover that we need to declare ourselves artists, carve out time for our own work in an already full day, or learn to say no to other people so they, and we, can take our creativity seriously.

The thing we should recognize right now is that we don't need to know any of it. Not right now. We don't need to be at the end of the journey at the beginning of it. We don't need to have it all figured out when we first ask the questions. We don't need to know it all when we first start our inquiry... in fact, if we think we already know what it should be, we won't be as open to what it actually is.

We want to be unsure. We want to be scared. We want to say, who knows?

It's exciting.

Who will you be when you allow yourself to create as a matter of course. What fears will you face down? What burdens will you lay down? What hills will you climb up. What heights will you reach for?

Ooooh. Goosebumps.

"remember" says the Girl in the Wings

"remember" says the Girl in the Wings
ACEO, acrylic on paper 2.5"x3.5"

This painting comes from the Illustration Friday prompt "theater".

Actually, there's more to it. I have a much larger work... or two not so much larger works... that really give the frame for this piece. (Not sure how much my life supports larger works. I may have to go a little smaller. Not enough time or focus to detail the bigger things.)

The image that you can't see shows a couple in formal dress dancing a waltz on stage. It looks like the perfect image of love, but beneath the stage, are shadowy figures who are doing all the work that makes the performers look effortless.

That's my idea here of theater. The appearance, the show, what everybody sees on the outside, and how it is supported by creatures dressed in black, scuttling around, doing the dirty work, getting angry and anxious and finding the words to say, and keeping the energy going. Who prompts the beautiful lovers when they have lost their words of love?

This girl does. She likes the shadows and she can't dance, but she will remind you where you are going next... because she knows where you came from.

and if you have any inspiration for my next works, leave a comment on this post, and you might win a print of the painting you inspire.

Flying Girl Between Heaven and Earth, or (Im)Possible

Flying Girl Between Heaven and Earth, or (Im)Possible
4/20/09
Golden Fluid Acrylics on Paper 7"x10"

Here is my question here: in going for our dreams, do we sometimes fail to realize that we already have happiness right where we are?

While shooting for the moon, do we not recognize the day to day, the wonder, the fulfillment, the joy?

Maybe the moon really is impossible. Maybe it is just impossible right now in this moment. Maybe if we climb some trees, glowing with the blossoms of new Spring, we will find our path to the moon.

I mean, it is already a miracle to be able to fly. Should we revel in that miracle, instead of ignoring it for the dream of space flight?

Oh yeah, this is a prompt for Illustration Friday (Impossible)

Speaking of Possible/Impossible and Illustration Friday, they made me Pick of the Week this week, so Moon Rabbit is up there all week. Wow. I never thought that would happen. Thank you Penelope and Brianna.

Flying Girl and Moon Rabbit Take Off, or Fleeting

Flying Girl and Moon Rabbit Take Off, or Fleeting
4/16/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Watercolor Paper, 7"x10"

Inspired by Illustration Friday's prompt, "fleeting" and my 2 year old daughters statement that I needed to add a moon to the rabbit and girl.

Because childhood is fleeting. Because whimsy is fleeting. The phases of the moon are fleeting. Home is fleeting. Balance is fleeting. Struggle is fleeting. Joy is fleeting. Sorrow is fleeting. Youth is fleeting. Time is fleeting. I am fleeting, you are fleeting. Everything around us is just a moment.

The only thing is now.


You can get the print of this on etsy.

Talismans To Get Us Through the Darkness

Three more OOAK ACEOs (One Of A Kind Artist Cards, Editions & Originals)
Girl of the Deep Sleep
Girl of Something Being Born
Girl of the Storm Clouds
all Golden Fluid Acrylic and Watercolor Pencil on Paper, 2.5"x3.5"

Hi. I took the weekend off. Sort of. I kept painting, did some more research, listed a few things in etsy.

I have been totally stumped on the Flying Girls, although I have been trying. Finally, I just painted over one that I'd been struggling with and started over with a night time background over the sea. I did it in the very bright sunshine in the garden, and out there it was a vibrant blue, but when I looked at it last night, it was nearly black. Hmm. I may just have to let it stay the way it is, because garsh, I'm tired of struggling with that painting. There comes a time when you have to let go of an idea and say, it's good enough. And then move on.

I definitely feel as if I am in transition here. As if things are starting to come through, but before they do, it's going to get dark and stormy. Or maybe it already is dark and stormy, but the light is starting to show.

It's like that Buddhist saying, "It's always darkest before the dawn."

If you look at the Girls up there, you can see this story, too. In order of painting, it is Storm Clouds, Sleep and Born.

Storm Clouds is my knowing little Boricua, probably from Washington Heights (where my cousins used to live), and she's been through the storms. But that smile and that flower in her hand is a reminder that after the rain comes the flowers. She knows it's tough now, but she also knows that storms pass, and we are washed clean and energized by their trials.

Then theres pretty little Sleep, a reminder that we have to rest and take care of ourselves. Allow the night to rejuvenate us. Allow the dreams to rise and grow strong. Step back. Be quiet. Sleep.

And lastly, look how gentle Born is. I think she's about being kind to ourselves. Could it be a baby she is holding? It sure could, but it could also be a project, or a new path in life, or a beautiful new idea.

Are these ways we struggle through?

I think so. Are these talismans to get us through the darkness. I think they are. In fact, when I found out the prompt for Illustration Friday was "talisman," I was at a loss. Not because I couldn't think of anyway to represent talisman in my art, but because I was already involved in making art talismans. Or talismans in art.

Sometimes those are the most difficult prompts for me, when I am already engaged in the topic, I wonder, "well how can I use this to prompt my art?" But then, maybe I don't need to do something more, maybe I just need to relax into what is already there.

Yeah. So here are my talismans. You can have them for your own, here, and here, and here.

Flying Girl in the Land of the Ghosts, or Let it Go

Flying Girl in the Land of the Ghosts, or Let it Go
3/28/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Paper, 7"x10"

The theme for Inspire Me Thursday is ghost. I thought that would be so easy, to create a kind of Edward Gorey like ghosty of Flying Girl, but instead, it turned into a real Flying Girl who was lost in the land of the ghosts.

Oh, it's the past. It's the scars and the pain and the losses and the could have beens. It's basements and cellars and the roots of things. It's distant sounds and far off wishes. It's empty windows and going nowhere.

When we get stuck in that land of ghosts, we don't do ourselves any favors. Lost there, our liveliness is overshadowed by the weight of all that past. We can be blue skies inside of us, but if we won't let go of that ghost, the rain clouds will keep coming in.

So do like Flying Girl. Let It Go, and fly off towards the hopes that the past gave you. Leave behind the pain. Because it's not all pain. Find the bloom of hope, the bird that flies off, and follow that.

I'd also like to mention that although it doesn't look like it, this painting is actually me playing with color, for CED's April prompt. Yes, it's gray, but I wanted to paint the light and shadows, the color coming from behind. I wanted to contrast the gray of the sky with the sky blue of the dress. And even the gray is both warm and cool gray. White and cream. Black and charcoal. And that's not counting the underpainting. It's bright pink, yes it is. Although the painting itself is gray. Take a look at that sky...see the layers, there?

Flying Girl Cuts it Away, or Let Go of All That Is Not Yours

Flying Girl Cuts it Away, or Let Go of All That Is Not Yours
3/22/09
Mixed Media, Golden Fluid Acrylic, Antique Book Pages, on paper, 7"x10"

I had no idea what I was going to do with this picture until I thought of using some of the old pages that came out of a book I altered about five years ago. And then I realized I also wanted to use the themes from Illustration Friday (Subtract) and Next Chapter: 12 Secrets book club (Subtract Serenity Stealers). How convenient that they dove tail so nicely. Who planned that?

Anyway, there is actually a fully painted flying girl underneath the paper collage. I guess in order to subtract things, you have to add first.

The idea I had here is that in order to find the heart of the matter, the center of the self, you often have to cut away all the things that do not matter. You find out what does not fit, what does not give you joy, what makes you feel bad about yourself or out of sorts, and you get rid of it.

A lot of people have been asking, here and there, how to find their passion. Really, I think it's first a matter of finding that spark, and then cutting away the excess around it. For instance, I discovered I loved writing when I was a kid, then I learned a lot about different kinds of literature, fiction, non fiction, poetry, epic tales, post modernism. I learned about reading and writing and teaching. I learned about various topics, art and science and culture and psychology. I followed breadcrumb trails down dark alleys and scrounged for bits and pieces of magic, or trash.

As time went on, I was able to eliminate what I did not want to focus on. Or I was able to take pieces of an idea and fit it into my passion. So here I am years later, realizing that I still love writing, but I don't need to be writing the next Pulitzer Prize winning serious literary novel. I like my Science Fiction and Fantasy, and my blogging and maybe I'll go somewhere further with it all.

I could just as easily have discovered my passion to be photography, or jewelry making or philosophy or geology. Actually, the truth is, there are many worthy pursuits and passions out there. How do you know which fits you best until you explore them?

On my journeys, especially in the last few years, I was also able to eliminate old outmoded ideas of thought that kept me down and kept me scared. One idea being that I should be a precocious young thing who becomes a literary sensation before the age of 30, or that only literary fiction is worthy. Another idea is that I can not have financial abundance, or that I can not earn a living with my art and/or writing. This is after years of collecting dustbunnies on those silly ideas. I began to figure out which ideas are just full of ego, which ones are full of fear, which ones were placed on me by other people but don't really have basis in my reality.

And I get out my scissors and I snip it all away.

In my mind, all the biggest serenity stealers are in the mind. Even if your life is full of people and things that clutter up your world, if you can find the right place to exist in your mind, you can live in peace. That doesn't mean we shouldn't purge old things (sometimes those things are laden with ideas) but the most important part of that is the getting rid of the mental, emotional and psychic clutter.

What mind clutter are you willing to let go of in order to live your passion and reach your dream?

Oh yeah, to buy a print of this you can go here.

Flying Girl is a Warrior, or The Miracle is Now

Flying Girl is a Warrior, or The Miracle is Now
3/17/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic

The theme for Illustration Friday is "Legendary." I painted this... that's inspired by Joan of Arc. But you see, rather than being burned alive, you notice that she holds the fire within her. The fire to purify. The eternal flame. The fire looks a lot like the trees, also. Perhaps its the fire of life?

Flying Girl is made of spirit and she does not wait for someone else to bring the miracle. She does not wait for the perfect circumstances to create the flame. There is no deus ex machina here. The miracle is right here in this very now, if only we pay attention. All around us. A part of us.

My other thought for the theme legendary would have been something inspired by Billie Holiday. Oh, she sings the blues. Interesting, huh? An idea for a saint. An idea for a sinner.

Well, they're both Legendary, and they both kind of gave their lives for their beliefs, for their living. Sacrificed their fire to the greater good.

Granted, I'm not saying any of us should sacrifice ourselves to the extent that those women did. Martyrdom is nice for the stories, but not so much for us. That's why my warrior, my Jean D'arc has that fire in her hand. It inspires her, it leads her, but it does not burn her. The passions burn without destroying.

Flying Girl Begins to See, or There is a Pattern

Flying Girl Begins to See, or There is a Pattern
3/9/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Paper, 5"x8"

Holy Cow, my peoples.

I'm a little weirded out right now. A little confronted with long held, maybe not so true beliefs.

I'm selling art.

I'm a WORKING artist.

Do you know, I went to a liberal arts college instead of an art school because I didn't think it was possible to make money as an artist without "selling out." This is the legacy of being the daughter of a starving artist.

You see... it doesn't matter where you start out on this journey, you still have to get through your shiite.

So, here I am, and if it keeps going in this fashion, I will actually be making a living at this. A small living, but that's all I wanted.

I'm having a hard time believing that just sitting here is producing money.

But then, I step back from my issues and feelings (like how I feel like I am wasting my time, still, when I am sitting at the computer, the way I wasted my time by reading book after book. I was a guilty reader as a child) and I start to see how everything I have done-- not just in the last 10 weeks, but in the last 18 months since I hatched the etsy idea, or in the last 20 years since getting out of college, or even my whole life-- maybe even my ancestors' lives, has moved me towards this point. (How's that for a run on sentence?)

If I didn't think I could make a living as an artist, would I have studied English or become a teacher? Would I have left New York City to encounter another life? If my own personal economy hadn't crashed and burned, would I have thought about entering the marketplace? Even if I hadn't been so scared and put it off so long, trying to be prepared, would I have developed my work into what it has become?

I don't know. I don't know what this pattern of my life looks like or what it means or where it is going.

But I can see there is a pattern. I can see how things are connected.

Oh. Plus I love swirls. I used to fill notebooks in school with all sorts of swirls and mandalas and paisleys and grids and whatever fell out of my fingers and pen. So when the prompt for Illustration Friday was intricate, this is what fell out of my brush. If you look closely, you will see that the background is very similar to that last painting's background, but I needed to do "intricate" so I tried something unexpected. I like something about how the way it came out.

I also wanted to thank you all for your support. I am very thankful to all of you, long time readers, or new ones, buyers and lookers. I've decided I really do love the internet.

Oh yeah, and I'm posting the Roadblocks paintings today, so keep your eye out. I'll do this one, too.

Flying Girl Pushes Her Way Through, or Trust Your Instinct

Flying Girl Pushes Her Way Through, or Trust Your Instinct
2/23/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Paper, 5x8"

I am really coming to believe that most of the world's problems stem from a deep insecurity.

Why do we cause wars, start fights, hurt people, deny others, deny ourselves, cause misery, hoard things and resources, eat too much, starve ourselves, take drugs, become jealous, put others down, use people, run away from our biggest selves and all the other ills of the world?

Because we don't think we are good enough. We don't trust in ourselves or our own powers. If we have enough, are enough, believe enough in our selves, we don't need to take anything away from anyone else.

Simplified? Sure. But sometimes simple shows the heart of the matter.

It's also not so easy to trust yourself, to believe in your powers or to know that you are enough.
I painted this picture about trusting your instinct, for Illustration Friday, but I struggle with it.

How do I know when it's instinct speaking or fear of not being enough? There are fears that are valid instincts... self preservation, for one... but so many fears come out of the small place. How is one to know the difference?

I don't know. I'm all scared of the big things that I want. Revising my novel and putting it out into the world. Opening my shop. Risking the uncertainty of a small business and freelancing over the relatively secure weekly paycheck.

But i want to show you some frightening things that happened while I was painting this painting.

First of all... I really like the last one, and was afraid of the disappointment that might come from trying a new painting. It seems whenever I knock one out of the park, the next few are duds.

And then, this is what I first came up with.
Ack!

But instead of scrapping it, I kept working at it. I kept trying. I kept thinking about how I could adjust and revise.
And in the end, I like what I came up with. I don't love it as much as I love the other one, but I like it and feel a resonance.

Most importantly, I am taking the lesson of fear... of facing the fear and diving into it. I am remembering that it is also about believing in your own ability to handle whatever it is you are afraid of.

My shop does not have to be perfect when I open it. I do not have to get everything right. There is room for adjustment and trial and error... in fact, it is required. The same goes for my novel. I get so confused when confronted with the pages I need to revise. I get lost in the tangled threads of plot and am afraid to dive in. I don't want to ruin it? I don't want to disappoint my own hopes, maybe? I don't want to find out that I can't do it after all? What if I'm really not a novelist because I can't handle revision?

I don't even need anyone else to tell me this is not a fear of self preservation, but the small fear, from the small place, that wants me to run away from my dreams.

My instinct says... I love stories. I love novels. This novel has what it needs to be alive. And I have the knowledge and skills to bring it to life. And if I don't have them right now, I will learn them on the way.

As for life... there is no way to get it right. There is no way to always make the perfect choices. And there is always room for rewriting your own story. So I make a choice that might make things tough for a while? Am I willing to put the effort in, to face the fears, in order to create a life of intention. My instincts say yes.

What are the small-place fears saying to you? What are they trying to get you to run away from? What is your bigger instinct saying? Which would you rather trust?

Time and the Flying Girl, or You Are Here

Time and the Flying Girl, or You Are Here
2/10/09
Golden Fluid Acrylic

The inspiration for this was the prompt for Illustration Friday, Time. I didn't want to do what I felt, what I did, because the idea of this large, looming clock scared the heck out of me. And then, when I felt that jolt, I knew I had to. This was the issue I had to tackle. My first idea was the deadline of how much time I have to accomplish what I want, but I think it ended up being more than that.

Am I here? Right here? In this minute? In this day? In this life?

This is the place where I am, yet I spend so much of my time feeling like I have to chase a deadline, run after the fleeing opportunities, capture every spare moment and wring out of it what I can get.

I have been very anxious lately. I think it's from this idea that I have that I have to start making money very soon, before my kids start school full time. Also from the idea that I have to be productive every minute of the day.

So much of my creativity is geared, now, towards somehow making money with it, although I don't seem to be able to gather all the loose ends and set up my business. I am always not doing enough.

But I think I have to accept my life as it is, and accept the time I have. I've got limitations here, with my full time stay at home mom gig, that limit what I can do with my business. I'd like to make it a full time job, but I am not ready for a full time job. I need to take it step by step and start slow.

I think I need to accept that I can't do it all at the same time. I cannot paint every night, blog every day, (twice,) revise my novel during naptime, cook healthy meals, keep my kids happy and strong, figure out the business world, get all of my shop things set up, and still say healthy myself. There's just no room in my day for all this. And the things that end up getting short shrift are the things that are hard (like business, like revising) and the things that feel "indulgent" (like time to relax and eat healthily).

I also need to not put so much pressure on myself in my productivity, expecting every piece to be perfect and meaningful.

I'm still not sure where I can fit revising into my day. It should be nap time, but the kids are sleeping less and I can't seem to carve out the time. I feel so exhausted when they go to bed at night that the brain function is tough. Maybe I am making my excuses, though, and I can break through.

That's another thing I was thinking about this. This pushing through. If I give in to my exhaustion, I won't write. But if I push through the initial exhaustion, I may very well end up writing some great stuff. I know, it's happened before.

However, if my expectations, every time I sit down to do the work, are that I should come up with the breakthrough piece that will get me a writing contract, then it seems too momentous to tackle.

So I'm thinking, lower my expectations of myself. Recognize my time limits and what I can do within that time. Perhaps let go of writing/painting/blogging every day. And the work I show up for, let go of the expectation of brilliance. Just be, in that moment, THERE. Paint for painting. Write for writing. Work for the work, not for the future burdens of making a living.

If the intention is there... somehow I think showing up for the work will get me down that path. Brick by brick the road is constructed?

What are the bricks you want to lay down? What are the small steps that you think will get you to your goals? What work are you going to show up for today?

Flying Girl Writes Her Fire in the Sky, or Keep the Flame Burning

Flying Girl Writes Her Fire in the Sky, or Keep the Flame Burning
1/30/09
Golden Fluid Acrylics, Prismacolor Watercolor Pencils, White Gel Pen, Graphite on Paper 5x8"

Here Flying Girl is, made of flame. I wonder... does she recognize that she is made of the same stuff as the sun?

Why do we not acknowledge what is wonderful about ourselves? Why do we devalue our talents, think they aren't worthy of attention, love or pay? Why do we look at our stories and only see what is lacking, what is imperfect?

Today at naptime, I sat down in front of the computer, and felt guilt. I was going to be wasting my time, I thought, I was going to be doing nothing... when the truth is I am building something, I am saying something, I am making something. I find I do the same thing when I am parenting, wondering what's wrong with me when I am tired, when I've really done "nothing" all day. I don't recognize what I am giving, just what isn't done. Even if I'm writing a novel and painting everyday and raising kids and trying to build a business and just going about my regular business of living.

I see this too when I think about my friends' insecurities or in some of the projects going on around blogland, like in the 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women book club.

It's funny also that the Illustration Friday Prompt for this week is "Flawed," because it so fits into the meaning of this painting. Yet, I don't want to submit this for that theme because I feel like it doesn't fit quite right, because it's forcing the theme, but the truth is, this is the issue. Our feelings of being "flawed" of not being good enough, or not being real artists or worth being paid, they are false. We are perfect just the way we are.

Here Flying Girl is, as perfect as the sun, and I don't know if she recognizes it.

When I was painting it, I kept singing that Bonnie Raitt song, Luck of the Draw, with the lyrics that go
These things we do to keep the flame burning
and write our fires in the sky.

I used to sing that song as I bartended, thinking only about how far I had to go and how much I was sacrificing. I never thought that I was perfect just the way I was. I never thought that I was already there.

(If anyone is wondering about my first representation of a black FG and how I overcame my struggles with making one... I just thought about one of my dear friends and made this FG represent her. She's a thousand miles away from me right now, but still one of those people who act as a touchstone for me.)

Luna Moth Flying Girl, or Inspiration

Luna Moth Flying Girl, or Inspiration
reads: She flies by night, into the pale
1/17/09
Prismacolor Watercolor Pencils, Golden Fluid Acrylics, Pitt Artist Pens on Paper

How ironic that on the day I wanted to write a post about Honoring my Inspiration for this book group, I was stymied by not having any.

No inspiration. No energy. No paintings. No blogging. Nothing to say.

Eventually, I worked something out struggling for a couple of days, but finishing too late to get good photo session light.

Maybe my psyche is trying to say something about the way inspiration and I go together.

That traditional view of inspiration that comes out of the blue and takes artists over is as delicate and elusive as the beautiful Luna Moth. They fly only at night, only a couple of times a year.

And did you know that Luna Moths have no mouths? That's right. No mouths. They do not exist to live. They exist only to reproduce and then they die. Fine, they leave their offspring to continue on, but I can not wait for my Luna Moth of inspiration.

I think inspiration for me is a lot harder work that catching a moth.

I think it's about showing up and practicing my craft. I think it's about following through with ideas and constantly revising as I go. This is not to say that I don't sometimes get taken over by the muse and get to float around in the deep night of inspiration, creating and making art and often forgetting to eat. No, that happens, but I can't depend upon it.

For instance, my novel. I've been working on it for about three years now. It started with a small idea... an inspiration, if you will, that fired me up. But I will tell you now, that if I had jumped on that inspiration, it would have died out. Instead, I held on to it. I wrote it down and let it sit there. I waited for more inspiration to join it. And slowly, the world in my head began to grow. I asked questions, like 'why' and 'how' and 'where' and 'who?' I kept searching for keys that would unlock the doors of this story, of the creativity. And then I started writing, very slowly.

And then I stopped. I was busy with a baby, you see. But when I remembered that nanowrimo was coming, I dusted it off... I didn't write anymore... no I worked at the ideas. I paid attention to characters, I wrote an outline, I researched things, I continued the work of gathering inspiration that would build into an idea which was sustainable.

Then in the furious weeks of nanowrimo, I wrote it all out. One might look at nano and say that it couldn't produce a good novel, but that would just be looking at the one session of "inspired" writing, and not all the work and commitment that went into building it.

Two years later, I'm still working on that book. On revisions and the second in the series. Two years later and inspiration is lovely when it hits, and that flow of inspiration might be what keeps me going on those days when nothing is coming, but it's the work that wrote the book. It's the work that makes one an artist.

If I keep showing up at my desk or my sketchbook, the inspiration will come. Like a moth to a flame, perhaps? But we have to keep that flame burning, even when we feel like it's our blood we're using as fuel.

Tee hee.

Just a little bit dramatic there.

But this is about honoring my inspiration, and I think in order to do that, I have to honor my process... truly what I think this blog is about... and I have to honor the hard work that goes into it. And I have to honor when there is no inspiration and my head is empty or too heavy or too tired to continue on.

I still don't have the key. I don't know how to make myself inspired all the time and constantly creative and productive without end. I think that's not possible. I think we have to honor ourselves for when we DON'T create. I think we have to not give up, even when it feels like there is no other way to go on.

Keep going.

That's honoring my inspiration, my faith in myself. Keep going. Don't give up. Even if I don't write a poem for five years, that poet is still there. Honor the silence, too.

Hope, or What It Takes to Get You There

Hope, or What It Takes to Get You There
11/28/08 AEDM #28, Illustration Friday
Golden Fluid Acrylic

If you look close, can you see the balloon? That is hope's power. Sure, it's delicate, sure it's practically invisible, but if you have faith, it will get you to the land you have been dreaming about.

Flying Girl is ready. She is almost there, almost reaching that tower rising out of the Autumn woods, the place where fairy tales are made real.

However, I would like you to notice that this Flying Girl is not a princess. She is not a fairy tale herself. She lives quite firmly in the real world.. as is evidenced by the thick soles of her boots. That's for all the grounding that needs to accompany the hope.

What would happen if hope was unbalanced? That would be when we put all our hopes in one basket, expecting that to come real, without being realistic and having secondary plans. It's also when we think all we have to do is wish hard enough for our dreams and they will come magically true. That is not what hope is about. Hope is about believing that your actions will bring about what they need to bring about in order to reach your dreams. The key to balancing the unbalance "Hope" is to take action. Hope without action is mere wishing. In order to make hope function, you need to allow hope to buoy your steps. Because you are not a passive princess waiting for your dreams to come true, you are the hero of your own story, and heroes have to do the work, not wait for the lady on tv to pull their lotto numbers.

***

This was inspired by the prompt from Illustration Friday, Balloon. It was only after I finished it that I realized I had already done a Flying Girl with a balloon. So I checked back, and there she was, another balloon flying girl with a red bob and stylish clothes. What the heck? Totally coincidental.

But you see, hope floats. This one is a bit more serene and hopeful than the last one. A little bit closer to reaching where she is going, I think. And I like the way this one has a nearly invisible balloon.

Maybe it's because we are nearing the end of nanowrimo. I myself am 1,989 words away from winning, and I expect to reach 50k by naptime today. Of course, the book won't be finished, so I would like to maintain my 10k a week goal until I am done. Who knows how long it will take. Well, I hope to be done with the first draft sooner rather than later, but the end product of the book? Who knows.

I have recently come to the realization that something in me never expects to be done with these books, almost as if it isn't possible to actually complete a novel, all the way to the final draft. And certainly not possible to get an agent or an editor.

How interesting.

The dream is there, but what is that lack of faith that it will be achieved?

I have learned a lot from writing this nano book. I am clearer about what is going to happen, and thinking that I am going to remove a whole blooming lot of what is already there. I want to simplify my story. I love a simple and true story, even if the setting is grand and global, I like the simple issues: love, loss, fear, struggle, transformation, power, joy, difficult choices. You know, things that everyone goes through on their own level.

I want to remember that I prefer simple, even if I have more facility to handle more complicated plots and themes and ideas. Just because you CAN do something does not mean you SHOULD do something. Compare, for instance, since I am writing a Space Saga, the simple Hero's Journey of Star Wars with the mess that is the final three installments of the Star Wars story. Lucas had money and power out the wazoo, and used it to make this grand sprawling thing with special effects to blow your socks off... but it lost the heart of Luke's original journey.

No offense to any Star Wars fans, it's just the way I feel about stories. It's ALL about the stories.

Happy Birthday To Me Giveaway! Flying Girl Flyaway!

Flying Girl and the Whale, or Messages from Below
11/19/08 AEDM #18
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Cold Pressed Watercolor Paper, 5"x7"

Flying Girl and the Ship, or Messages from Above
11/19/08 AEDM #19
Golden Fluid Acrylic on Cold Pressed Watercolor Paper, 5"x7"


Happy Birthday to me! Happy Giveaway to you!!!!!

My first giveaway. I'm so excited. I still do not have my tech up to get down to business and open my etsy store (although I believe we are getting close), BUT I really wanted to thank all of you who have visited and appreciated what I am doing.

So I painted a thank you!

I did these both this morning. Last night I was so tired I could not paint, and was disappointed, because I had been planning my surprise party giveaway for a while. But this morning, these two sisters rose out of the depths (or came down from above, depending on which sister) and demanded to be listened to.

They are both originals, not prints. I will give one of them away... you just get to choose which one. So here's how you can win.


1. Choose the sister who speaks to you. (Flying Girl and the Whale, or Flying Girl and the Ship)
2. Tell me in the comments what she is saying to you.
3. Make sure you leave a way for me to get in contact with you. (Look at that, you don't even need a blog.)
4. Be lucky... because I will draw numbers randomly. One entry per person.
5. Be timely, because the giveaway will end at midnight, Eastern Time, November 26. I will post the winner on Thursday, November 27th-- coincidentally Thanksgiving Day.

Yay! I'm so excited. Let's get this party started!!

PS I'm choosing these paintings for the Illustration Friday prompt of "opinion," because these sisters see things from different perspectives, and boy does that seem to influence their difference of opinions. Plus, you are offered a choice/opinion between the two.

Flying Girl Draws Close and Looks in the Window, or Vacancy

Flying Girl Draws Close and Looks in the Window, or Vacancy
11/4/08
Golden Fluid Acrylic

This is a departure. A close up of Flying Girl. How odd. I don't know why she came so close, instead of staying in her usual horizontal landscape distance. I had been thinking about Illustration Friday and their prompt of Vacant, in fact I even drew a sketch of a landscape FG, but it was off and I turned the page and imagined the reflection of a window in her eyes and then she was there.

Maybe also it was different because I was watching the election results at the same time and my nervous energy was a strange state.

Maybe this really is a different world we are about to enter.

Maybe there are open spaces for those of us who couldn't quite find the way in before.

Maybe it will be a more welcoming world from now on.

Maybe this is the beginning of being able to see a country where some of us can now feel more at home.

There is, finally, room at this inn for all of us.

Flying Girl Has Stayed Too Late at the Party, or Jump

Flying Girl Has Stayed Too Late at the Party, or Jump
10/20/08
Golden Fluid Acrylics

This painting comes from the Illustration Friday prompt, "Late." The first thing that popped into my head was the White Rabbit, oh my ears and whiskers, I'm late, I'm late. I think that was my HS yearbook quote. At the very least, it was the runner up. Then I thought, nah. And the second thought was "I'm Late," as in, hello baby, as in, infant, not hot tamale. And I thought, nah. Then I thought about what really felt late to me... that moment in the night when the sky feels softer, when the light begins to creep in, and the birds begin to sing, and you think, ohmygoodness, am I still out from the night before. You either feel like staying up and making chocolate chip cookies, or guilt ridden, as if you have wasted something precious.

These IF prompts are interesting, because they often take me out of my immediate life. Sometimes it becomes a conceptual thing. Sometimes it's about the past. Sometimes it could be a statement about society.

This painting is a combination of those things. Aside from being the person who always stays too long at social gatherings, because, I think, I don't know how to let go, this illustrates something I believe about change.

Sometimes we have to be smacked in the face that the world is changing for us to let go of the comfort of the past and dive into the unknown of the future. You see, the party is so much fun, why shouldn't it last forever? Except it can't. And the sun rises and you are reminded that shoes and martinis and glamour and excess are the way we burn out, if not given some balance with something deeper.

So here is the lotus, calling FG to jump out of her easy partiness, and leap towards the journey that is really hers.

Yes, I do think that's what's happening in America and the world, lately. Party is over. People didn't want to stop. Well, the universe gave us a kick in the butt, and now it's fall or fly in the new order of things.

I must be in a strange frame of mind, because my TBD piece is even weirder than my philosophizing.
Shed
10/20/08 The Big Draw #20
Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens, Black Gesso. Gel Pen.

Oh, shoot. I forgot the words I was going to write in there. Oh well. I think it was going to say something like, "when the time comes, we must shed our confining skin," in white gel pen on the black gesso. Hopefully using less words than that.

It's pretty random, I think, but that's good, because it fits with a tag that I recieved from Karen at Beelieve. I have been asked to share six random things

1. I don't know how to drive. Yes, I am almost 38. It's lame. I always took the subways and never had a car in the years I lived in NYC and so never learned. I keep meaning to take care of that while I'm here in Florida, but other things keep cropping up.

2. I went to the High School of Music and Art, also known as Fiorello H. LaGuardia H.S. of Music and the Arts, which contains two schools... Music and Art and Performing Art (yes, the Fame school) and I received most of my formal art education in that school.

3. I am left handed and right brained, and I think these are two facts that contribute to my not being able to tell which is left and which is right unless I think about it very carefully. Also, addition, reading a clock, and the alphabet (despite working in a library for 8 years while in school).

4. I am afraid of heights, deep water, tsunamis, and zombies... but not irrationally so. I mean, I can get over it, but I definitely have to steel myself for it. Okay. The zombie thing is pretty irrational, I just can't help myself.

5. I have one tattoo, two piercings in each ear, one in my nose, and I used to have one in my eyebrow that I only took out last year. I would get more tattoos, but the first one took 7 years of planning and sketching and procrastination until I got it on the day I presented my Master's Thesis and earned my degree. I take these things very seriously. ;)

6. Uhmm. I'm running out of things since I am always saying random things. When I am in the city, one of my favorite places (among the museums and subways and parks and cafes) is a rooftop. Almost any rooftop. I love to sit up there and look at the sky and the buildings and feel the air and the peace in the chaos, and maybe flirt a little with my fear of heights... although I am very careful about getting close to the edge. And if I see someone else getting close to the edge, I will panic a bit. Interesting that the FG today is on a rooftop.

Okay, that was 6. Here are the rules.

Tag rules: Link to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Write 6 random things about yourself. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted

And I will tag...
Marta, Kate, D'arcy, Marisa, Jena, Cliodhna

Flying Girl Where the Heart Goes, or Strings

Flying Girl Where the Heart Goes, or Strings
Golden Fluid Acrylics, Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens, Prismacolor Watercolor Pencils

This comes from a few different places. First I saw this piece by Elsita, then I was sitting in a room with my kids running in and out of the rooms of the house, and it almost felt as if little pieces of me were running with them, my attention, my mind, my sanity, my heart. Then, the Illustration Friday prompt ended up being "strings" and I was amazed, because I had already been planning this and the connection was immediate. Maybe I shouldn't be amazed, There has been an awful lot of synchronicity going on in cyberspace lately. Perhaps everyone is dealing with a lot of the same things, or a lot of the same ideas. I don't know, but I see connections all over the place. Maybe that goes to this painting, too. The way our subconscious mind takes in information from all over, and perhaps the way we also send out our signals without knowing we are.

Although the image of this painting was clear in my mind, the execution of the painting was, shall we say, frustrating. First of all, doing these paintings is beginning to feel like work. When you live up to a commitment that you make, no longer going along according to whim or inspiration, it gets hard sometimes. And yet, if you live by your word, you have to do it anyway.

It's kind of like love. No one hates that first blush of love when all is in accordance and the attraction runs high, just like art and inspiration. It's when that other person starts blowing their nose, or sits around watching tv gorging on chips or you really just want to be left alone that love starts to get difficult. It's when it love/art feels like a constraint that you are getting into the real meat of it.

So I sat down not wanting to paint, and did it anyway. There are probably half a dozen layers of paint on that background there. Too dark, too light, too yellow, too contrasty. Blegh. I fussed and fussed and fussed and hated it. I truly thought it would not work out. I gave up on finding perfection with the columns/walls/floors and just stuck in some intriguing windows. That was interesting. Then I put in FG. Then I decided to dress her up and make her more figurative. She's wearing heels, even. But when I painted in the hair, and had the idea to give her that Veronica Lake swoop that the whole painting just fell into place.

It's so strange that such a small detail would make it work. Then I put in the vines and worked on some details and that was it.

To tell the truth, I am still a little uncomfortable with it. Something about the colors doesn't seem all the way there, but there is also something that I really like about it. So I'm going with the good, and letting go of the not so good and letting the work stand as it may. Like love.

Hey. I bet you didn't know that I didn't MEAN to make all the references to love, even though it's FG Where the Heart Goes. That was a total coincidence. Well, not a coincidence, I'm sure. The mind is a powerful force, especially when you're not really paying attention to what it is doing. It sneaks around.

Maybe part of the reason why it is able to do that is because I am busy thinking about so much. All the things I have to do. Conversations I need to have. Trips I have to make. Things the kids are doing or need to do or aren't doing. The future, the past, the present. The dishes and the cheerios. Maybe that's why FGs Heart goes in and out of so many different paths.

Maybe that is also why I drew this for The Big Draw.
Juggling. The Big Draw #10
Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pen

Do you need me to explain? Sorry for the wonky picture, though. I wanted to make sure the little unicycling guy would be in there. I kept the scallop pattern from FG Goes In, but alternating color made it almost look as if it is a harlequin pattern. And notice that the different size pattern in figure and background keeps them from competing. It doesn't hurt that the figure pattern is a heavier line. It's the balance between dark/light, large/small, organic/geometric that keeps things from getting mushy and confusing. Also the blank page gives your eye somewhere to rest.

What do you think about drawing in blue. Fun, huh? Where did I see a drawing in blue yesterday? I've got to be better at marking these things down.

If there are wiggly lines in this drawing, it is because I literally had a little girl hanging off of my limbs. She probably would have liked it if I had thrown her up in the air and juggled her... but my back would decidedly not have liked it.

On a fun and happy note. I just received a lovely print by the lovely Mati Rose. It's my first win at a giveaway, ever. Very exciting. I feel my luck changing already, thanks to this Little Lucky Elephant. Thanks again Mati, a big hug and kiss from me (and the boy who tried to steal it for his own). I really adore it and can't stop staring at it. It's inspiring me to get my desk area together.

Flying Girl Plays in the Sweet Life, or Sugar

Flying Girl Plays in the Sweet Life, or Sugar
Golden Fluid Acrylic.

This is gonna be short because I had a busy day on not very much sleep, but I muscled through to both paint something new and post. This painting was inspired by the prompt over at Illustration Friday, the word being "sugary".

What's going on with FG today? She's learning it doesn't all have to be Go Go Go. She doesn't always have to be goal oriented, Focused on making that journey and developing her flying muscles.

Sometimes it's okay to enjoy things a little. Sometimes it's okay to allow the sweetness of life to buoy you through the more labor intensive times. Sometimes it's also okay to interact with the world around you. FG is not just in the world of air and thought, but down on earth, playing with the sugar flowers. That reminds me of the clovers we used to pluck when we were litte. We would pick the little purple petals and suck out the nectar for the sweetness. Why can't we do a little more of that in this forward motion life? Sometimes I think the stopping and smelling of the roses is what propels us along farther, faster.

For the Big Draw, I was actually inspired by a part of Keri Smith's book. She has an intro on her site comparing her book to a museum that will contain our unique vision of the world. I thought, hey! I can do that. What is my unique vision? What is the museum of my creativity?
The Museum of Me, Big Draw #4
Writing: (exterior) Love Fountain, Road to the Future, Experience Sculpture Garden, Intention Slope, Gentel Gardens, Zen path, Commitment Fountain, Faith Steps, Path Fountain, Joy Steps, (interior) Awe Arches, Beauty Atrium, Reception, Maps, WC, Coat check, Contemporary Color, The Culture Galleries, Media, Internet, Books, Everyday Sublime, Inspiration in the Divine, Stop and Smell the Cafe, Observation Balcony, It's the little things Shoppe, Perspective Balcony, The Hall of Histories and Mysteries, Silence Observatory, Baby Steps Gallery, The Nature Courtyard and the rest benches.

When I was a child, I loved to create drawings of houses. The younger me drew cross sections, with rooms and their purposes. When I was older, I drew floorplans and dreamed of architecture until I realized how much math I needed (still dealing with my math phobia). So the idea of creating my own museum just sounds fun. Plus, I love the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Natural History Museum. I know it's not really what people think of when they think of drawing, but it's what struck me. And the color is to make the rooms clearer, and hey, just get a little creative, because if I can't get creative with the museum of me, really, that just doesn't make sense.

I do know that there are stairs leading up and leading down, so there are more rooms to explore. But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to go to sleep and hope the kids don't get up too early.