All I Can Say Is I'm Trying 43-48/100 in 100 days creative project

 Fight For It
Pen on recycled menu
approx 4"x4"
43/100
This series here are doodles I did while I was at work. Some of them took quite a bit of concentration. I'm looking into where ideas come from and how the process of doodling can lead into serious paths for creation. Sometimes it's just about allowing the inside of your brain to come out into the outside world.

 Path
red ink on paper
4"x4"
44/100

I started this as a kind of book. My original thought was that the whole book would be the artwork, but come on now... I'm 40 days behind. I need to give credit to myself for everything I've done, not finished, elaborate works that aren't really a day kind of project.

No Thoughts
ink on paper
4"x4"
45/100

The little booklet was supposed to be my thoughts made visual. This was the second page. No thoughts. Oh well. It's still part of the process. Sometimes we get ideas not by directing our thought processes, but by allowing ourselves to be empty and open.

Red Ways to Breathe
ink on paper
4"x4"
46/100

This was more of the doodles. This kind of organic plantish kind of drawing. Somehow, it reminds me of lungs. It reminds me of breathing. Plus the in and out of the drawing, the one by one manner of execution leading to something larger. What larger? I don't know.

Systole/Diastole
ink on paper
4"x 4"
47/100

Don't ask. I don't know.

Sucker
ink on paper
4"x4"
48/100

This is inspired by octopus tentacles. I like circles. I like patterns. I like doodles. I did not know where this was going. I just did it. I guess that's what doodles are.

I have 19 days left in my challenge. Can I do it? I have some new paintings/drawings. I have the photos from my trip. I have a new larger project... not really a day project, also. I have some ideas for new things. I have some things that I haven't photographed yet. I have my kids costumes. I really should count them. They took a lot of creativity. I have to be consistent with my posting, as well as my creating. See, now, a project like this? You have to make commitments, and keep going even when you'd rather not or things get tough. Things got tough for me and I did not keep going, but I recommitted.

There's a lesson there. Life does not really go smoothly most of the time. It's nice when it does, but the real test is how you keep going when things get tough. Give up? Or re-evaluate and recommit? All I can say is I'm trying.

52 more to go in those 19 days. Can she do it?

I'm trying.

Look for the little beauties, or Teapots

Look for the little beauties, or Teapots
pencil, watercolor, acrylic, ink on scrap paper
4"x8"

This weekend, I am going to focus on looking for the little beauties, the small things that make me happy.

It might be story time with my kids, or a clean kitchen floor, or the lilacs in bloom, or a pleasant interaction.

I'm also going to look for the small steps forward that I make. The new sentences scrawled in the margin of a New York Times. The sketch of teapots done at work in those moments of down time before it gets busy.  The continued use of my creativity log. Organizing my stamping box. A quick project with the kids.

I know that this will be a busy couple of days for me at work, so rather than feel frustrated that I can't get back to my creative goals, I'm going to look for what I can do, the lovely things that are already there. And I'm going to keep taking stock of where I am and where I want to go.

When I can get back to my creative work, on Monday, I'm going to try not to get overwhelmed by everything I want to accomplish. That happens to me a lot on Mondays. I set up my expectations so high, I want to be SOO creative, that when I sit down to work, I just go blank.

So I'm going to take it easy this weekend, but I'm not going to do nothing.

I'm going to take baby steps because even if baby steps feel like they are going nowhere, they go a lot farther than doing nothing because you are too overwhelmed by those big giant steps you think you're supposed to be taking.

So this is a weekend for little beauties and baby steps. And I'm going to enjoy the journey for exactly what it is.

This Is the Life You Are Meant To Live

This Is The Life You Are Meant To Live

pencil and repurposed menu

Hi.

It's been a long time. My blog absence doesn't represent anything sinister... or rather, it does, because right after I wrote the last entry, I came down with the flu, and that's pretty sinister.

So.

Two and a half weeks later and the cough is fading, the fatigue is still hanging on a bit, and the shakes are trembling a little less than yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it will never go away, but it is, slowly, and in its own time.

I actually started this post two weeks ago, but never had the gumption to finish it.

The drawing above is one of those things I do at work when I'm waiting. It's when I'm looking for the wisdom that I need to hear.

And I think I needed to accept my winter for what it was. Not a season of action. A fallow period. A time to rest and recuperate. A time to let the snow fall and cover the land. Still and white and cold.

The work is going on underneath all that chill.
This is my old Winsor Newton travel paint set. It's about 15 years old. I feel something growing in me that wants to start painting again. But something is also holding me back. Is it my own personal winter?

Well, this is March. March is the turning point. Winter ends. Spring begins. The snow melts.

It's time for me to start over, I think. Renewal.

If I have to, I will start over from the beginning. I will take babysteps. I will go back and learn all over again how to be brave. How to be productive. How to keep moving forward.

I've done it before.

However, I am not starting from the same place. Each time I start over, I am farther along on my journey.

You see that old paint set? That has painted hundreds of works of art. It may be quiet right now, but it has a history. I have already come far, and I know that I can go farther still. My path may have bumps and pauses, but it is my path.

And I'm still going, baby step by baby step.

The Sun

The Sun, (Flying Girl Tarot Card)

repurposed menu, pencil. acrylic paint, watercolor

I did this at work yesterday. Someone I know was having a hard day. I thought, you know, I don't have it in me to be a mom to everyone I know. I just don't have that much energy. I barely have it in me to be mom to my actual kids, but then I thought, I don't have to be a mom to everyone. I have something to give that is my own special thing to give.

Then I asked myself, if I had something to tell her, what would I have said? And the image that popped in my head was The Sun, from the tarot. And then of course, the song, Here Comes The Sun went singing through my head.

What did this image mean to me? As a message for her? Hard times come. There's no stopping them. But if you look at them as a passage we must travel through, if you understand that there is an end to struggle, and you understand that after darkness comes light, well, then, you know the struggle will have its own purpose. And you know the sun will come. Life will be joyous again. All is right with the world (even in those days/weeks/months when it seems like nothing is right).

And what kind of message is that for me? Because you know, all the messages I have for you are messages for me. When people buy prints and paintings from me on etsy, as I am packaging up those pieces, I am getting a message that I need to hear.

So what this piece is saying to me is to enjoy the sun that is shining today. No matter the struggles or worries, the sun is still shining. Even above the clouds, it is shining. Open yourself up to the joy of life, and let it be the beautiful life that it is.

nanowrimo: 20432

The River

Flower Bookmark

"when you do the, things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy." -Rumi

I made this little bookmark as a gift for a customer.

I think I have known this river moving through me. I have swum this river. Actually, I used to dream about this river. It was usually the Hudson River, in my dream.

As I've gotten older, I think the pressures of the world have weighed on me more. I fight the river. I think I should be going faster, or perhaps should be on a different tributary, or perhaps I shouldn't be on the river at all, but should be walking down the street taking my son to the school bus.

But perhaps it is all the river. It is all just the speed it is supposed to be. Perhaps there is no tributary, it is all just the river. Perhaps even the walking is part of the river.

It just is.

(reverse)

I attached a pretty piece of fabric to the back of this bookmark. It hides the menu writing and it's pretty.

I think I'm going to practice just going with the flow today.

Even with the things I have to do, even with the plans for the future, even with the things I really want to do and the things I don't particularly want to do. I'm not going to worry about mapping my river, I'm just going to swim.

I'm going to ride this river.

How is your river flowing today?

A Day In My Life, 10/10/10

First Picture, Still Sleeping

Holy Cannoli! I have a lot of pictures. This is only some of the photos from my day long photo shoot of October 10th, 2010. 10/10/10. There are some more on my flickr account. I don't think there are any duplicates between the two. And there are still more that I haven't published, but could. And there are still more, not uploaded from my camera, that I took after the kids went to bed. Not that many. I was tired and busy editing.

One good side effect to all these pictures is that I finally signed up for flickr pro. Maybe that will entice me to use flickr more effectively.

Anyway, there are so many pictures that I think I will just title them, rather than write about every single one. All photos here were taken on 10/10/10, with my old Casio exilim point and shoot that fits into my pocket.
We Are Wide Awake
Cat Love
Waiting For Coffee
Save Me
I Wuv Fuzzy
Constant Motion
Coffee
Crazy Hair
Escape
Brush
Window
South Street
Go Go Go
Work
I Love Lattes
Home Again
Home
Yard Sunshine
Bedtime Stories

Small Things With Great Love

Small Things With Great Love

acrylic and pencil on paper, 8.5"x5"

Where I am is overwhelmed.

Frankly, I am trying to fit 36 hours into the 24 we have. And it just doesn't work.

Then I get overwhelmed and anxious and then I just can't get anything done. It's one of the things that makes waiting tables a good fit for me... because I just go in there, do my job in the moment, even if the moment is stressful, there is only ever what needs to be done right then. It's very zen.

When I get home, I start thinking about all the needs and shoulds, the future and the past, the fears and the desires, and I get derailed feeling like I can't do it all, so I end up just doing nothing.

So yesterday I painted myself this remembering. (Did I just make up a word? Remembering? It's something to get me remembering the long view.)

Small things with great love. Inspired by the Mother Theresa quote, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

We CAN'T do it all. We CAN'T do these HUGE things when we are these small people... except we can, when we just tackle it one little thing at a time. One little love-ful thing at a time.

Don't worry about the grand outcome the huge dreams the perfection of intention. Just do what is there right in front of you. This sketch. This dinner. This moment of connection. This thing on your to do list.

And then we find it all gets done.

Or if it doesn't, we get by anyway.

It's Here Now, Are You?

Bookmark: "It's here now, are you?" Bhagavan Das (quote on reverse)

repurposed menus, ink, paint pen, acrylic gel medium, embroidery floss

2"x8"

So another day passed without me writing! Yipes. I picked up an extra shift at work from a girl who has bronchitis, so I came home late and exhausted, watched Glee and then promptly fell asleep. Today I'm not going in until 11am and that leaves 2 or 3 hours to run to the basement and write.

Let me tell you, I'd better do it, instead of procrastinating, because otherwise, I am in danger of getting saddle shy. Is that the term? You know, when you fall off the horse, and then they say, "get back up on the horse again".

Best to get back to it before I lose the flow all together.

I will keep you updated.
In other news, I wanted to tell you guys about the new item I have in my shop. Not one print but TWO. I call it the Prayer for Girl in Flight set. It's a new way of doing things, but I really do feel like these drawings go together with the others. I want to take some photos of framed pieces in a lovely setting and put them on the listing, but I don't have the time or set to pull that together yet, so I thought I'd just put the listing out there, instead of waiting.

Because you see, this is now, and this is today, and it really isn't a good idea to wait until things are all perfect before you try for what you really want out of life. Because this is life, right now, right here.

And thus I have tied in the title piece (bookmark) the topic (getting back to work) and the etsy shop. Woohoo.

Oh, by the way...what are you putting off? Waiting for a day when circumstances will be optimal? Waiting for more time or a perfect photo or your mind to be in the best place, or those sniffles to go away? Waiting for that day when things are right and you can be happy?

Don't wait. Now is the time and this is the living.

Black and White Traveling, or Breathe

Black and White Traveling, or Breathe

9/24/10 ink and repurposed menus, acrylic gel medium

4"x4"

I took Saturday and Sunday off of writing and blogging because I felt myself getting more and more anxious over everything undone and everything still to do.

Taking the writing break meant I could take care of some other business and it meant I could relax a little.

When I went to work, I found myself happy, instead of stressed.

I realized that my goals of revising 100 pages a week, 20 pages a day (not including weekends) was unrealistic. Especially since I was totally planning on working through the weekends which I had actually planned to use as a break. (Did you catch that? I planned a break for myself, and then I was going to ignore that wisdom, and push myself to keep going without a break.)

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, to be productive, to do it all, to conquer the world (whatever world it is we want to conquer)?

I'm being crazy productive, but I still see all the things I am not doing and how far I am from my long term and short term goals.

Oh.

You know what this means for me?

I have to start doing my To Do/Did Done lists again.

That's where I keep a normal To Do list, breaking things down into small tasks, and then I also keep track of everything I have taken care of, done, achieved or gotten through in any given day.

When I start paying attention to what I have actually done, whether it was on my To Do list or not, I start to realize that I am doing more than I thought I was doing.

When I had babies, my Did Done list often had things like, "showered, fed everyone breakfast, got dressed, checked email, nursed 6 times."

Now however, perhaps I might have, "got everyone dressed, made lunch for boy, walked boy to school, blogged, made xx$ at work, drew bookmark, had meeting, revised 10pp, made dinner, watched Mad Men."

It's good to put things on your list that you look forward to or that are about taking care of yourself, not just things that are weighing you down. I know that when I am busy, I quite often forget to take care of myself.

That, my friends, leads to burn out.

So take care of yourself. Take some (limited) time off of all you want to have done. Pay attention to all you do accomplish, even little things, even things that are not on your list, even things that are about having fun.

Fear and Mushrooms in Michigan

It has been suggested that I should share my writing on my blog. By which I assume they mean my fiction writing.

To that, I say....

Here's a picture of some mushrooms we found on our walk to school. See the school bus in the background? I timed that shot. But don't worry, it wasn't our bus. This was on the way back after we dropped G off at his school bus. We spotted the mushrooms on the way there, but being a responsible mom, I made sure to send the boy off to school on time before doing a photo shoot.
Oh. Okay. That's not fiction writing.

It's very hard for me to share my fiction writing. I have a couple of novels stuffed in a trunk in a different state that no one has ever read. Well.... one person has read one.

But I have been working on my novel. Work work work. Even while I am at work, if it is slow, I am working. Look what I did on Tuesday.... I sketched out a 6 Week Goal Planner. It's pretty tiny, so that it can fit in my little folder. Actually, it's probably more like a writing log, so I can see my progress.

If you look, I've planned out a goal to revise 100 pages a week. So I should be done revising in TWO weeks. Yipes. I am not sure this goal is possible. I've been assuming that I will only be able to work 5 days a week, with all my other responsibilities, so that means 20 pages a day. I have not been averaging 20 pages a day so far. But then, it is revising, and revising is not as neat and tidy as just simply writing new prose. I could zoom through 60 pages one day, and then go back and do close work and only get 2 pages done. Oh, greadness goocious, I have no idea how far along I will be able to get.

It's a good thing I keep a log. It helps to be able to see my progress, especially on a larger project like a novel, because otherwise I feel like I am not getting anywhere. So I keep a log of what I have done, and then I can see the numbers slowly rising. I have another log that I keep on a file on my computer that is more detailed. But I like also being able to carry the planning around with me, so that I can remind myself of my work as the day is going on.

Because you know, when you write a novel, you really have to live in that novel. It has to be living with you.
And here is what my novel looks like. Or at least the first third of it.

I am afraid to look through it in hard copy.

Afraid I say.

And you know what that means?

That means I have to do it.

You've got to face up to the things you are afraid of, because those are the things that matter most to you.

Think about it. Those things that you have been avoiding, are you really avoiding them because you don't have time or because other things are more important, or are you avoiding them because they scare the bejeebers out of you? Be honest with yourself. If the first, then maybe you can let them go, but if it's the second, then you have to face the fears and do it anyway, or the person you will disappoint is YOU.

Oh no.

I think that means I have to share my fiction writing, too.

Curses.

Traveling with Shadows, or Simple

Traveling with Shadows, or Simple

ink on recycled menu, 4"x4"

59/100 in 100 days Creative Challenge, Day 16 in August everyday

Hey, you know it's kind of difficult to post to the blog every day. First I have to create something. Then I have to photograph it. Then I have to edit the photo. Then I have to post it and write something. And I have to have all that time to do all that stuff before I go to work in the morning. Or I have to have stuff saved up from the day before.

Phew. It's a lot of work. A lot of consistency. A lot of commitment. I guess that's what I meant to do when I said I would do the challenge. It wasn't about making stuff only when I felt like it, it was about showing up to the page, (or sewing box, or clay, or camera, or kids, or kitchen, or whatever) and being there for the inspiration to arise. Or perhaps for no inspiration, but for the medium of the day to hit me, or perhaps for the exercise of experimenting with a new or unfamiliar medium.

But I like doing these little pocket drawings. They aren't doodles. They aren't sketches. What are they? Studies? That could be.

They are a challenge and an exploration. I am surprised by how pleasing the simple challenge of making a landscape with just blocks of space and lines and dots can be. I mean, this little piece pleases me. I enjoy the stripes and the tiny dark shadow that makes the darker portion pop. I enjoy the stretch of white cloud. And I thought I wasn't going to like this one when I started, but I do.

It feels like play to do this kind of thing, even though my hand cramps up a little.

Sometimes, making your goals smaller and simpler (4 inches square and just one pen) can allow you a little bit of success... can allow you to open up a little in your creativity. Perhaps all you need is that one little keyhole space to open up and grow as an artist.

Traveling in Black and White, or Patterns

Traveling in Black and White, or Patterns

ink on recycled menu, approx 4" square

58/100 in 100 days creative challenge, Day 15 in august everyday

I was at work when I did this one. I was thinking that I was tired of doodles, and I'd prefer to do some more abstract landscapes. And, what a shame it was, I was thinking, that I didn't have some paints or the opportunity to paint them, because really, they were all about color.

And then I wondered, well, hey, how would one represent all those shades of color if one only had a black pen and a scrap of menu?

And then something like this image came to my head.

Of course. Pattern. Line. Texture.

So I spent my down time drawing lines and dots. It's an exercise, of sorts, in exploring pattern and texture. Really, you can do so much with just pen.

And then I was thinking it might be kind of fun to do an experiment and see what one of these traveling pieces might look like in all sorts of different media. What could we try? After ink, what's next? Colored pencil? Watercolor? Charcoal? Marker? Oooh. What about pierced paper, or paper cuts. Or crochet. Or fabric quilting. Now that I think about it, it might be really interesting to try different media.

Stay tuned. I wonder what will happen next.

Summer Traveling and Adventure

Summer Traveling or On Our Way

Acrylic on Canvas 10"x10"

56/100 in 100 days, August Everyday 14

I've been working on this for quite a while. Well. Most of the week. In my world, that's a while. Actually, I wanted another painting for my gallery wall. I have something from Leah Giberson (similar to this one) and THIS one from TushTush.

It is a very small gallery wall. I know I have plenty of things I could put up there, but I've been very slow in building it. And actually my biggest problem is frames and mats. Speaking of frames, I should probably count my frames as part of my creative challenge, since I took a bunch of yardsale frames and spray painted them black. I guess I'm waiting for my gallery wall to get bigger.

But back to the painting. This is actually part of a series of my travelling paintings. They are inspired by the way the land looks while driving past in a car. I really should have used all my many photos as a reference, but for this one, I just wanted to start and get it out there. I almost didn't want to post it because I thought I should "fix" it as my vision is developing as I have painted it. But then I realized that no, this piece is rather complete in itself. What I need to do is paint ANOTHER one with the new vision in my head, one that is more straight lines. I still have a couple of these canvasses so I have a little freedom to experiment. That's kind of exciting. I love to experiment.

I See

Pen and Watercolor on recycled menu

57/100 in 100 days

I did this doodle yesterday while at work. I was getting into the doodle phase when I looked at it and said-- "Hey! This is done." Then when I got home, I took out my watercolors and painted it.

It reminds me of the back of a set of tarot cards.

I don't know where some of these doodles will go, if they will go anywhere, really, but they are fun to do and they might actually lead to something. I mean, who knows, if I do create a tarot deck someday, which I might, this might be neat for the back of the cards. Or something like.

I have some more stuff that I was working on yesterday. I sewed my skirt and fixed it! It's now an aline skirt. However, I think it's not done yet. Or perhaps I just didn't like my photo of it. It's certainly not professional looking. But I wore it last night and it was very comfortable. The hem is a little wonky. Oh well, either I'll add some details to the hem or I'll just post it the way it is. I haven't decided yet. And I worked on the wings for that goddess doll but they'll take a while to dry so that I can add them. I also worked on a log for all these projects. I can't keep track of them all. I should have known I needed to write them down. I ALWAYS need to write these things down.

I'm having lots of adventures in art lately. Creativity.

Giving myself the challenge of creating everyday is getting me to expand my vocabulary and try new things, and also to recognize when I am being creative when I might have just discounted it before.

This should be a lesson. It is the commitment to DOING that develops an artist. Probably any person. In any field, you need to commit to get better, to become an expert, to grow.

I think that's why I like the 100 days challenge. You can start out at zero, with no habit, and you stumble in the beginning, trying to find out where you are going, and as the days keep going, you start being in a dialog with your work. Some of it doesn't work, and some of it does, but it all informs the rest of the work, the journey. And you become more confident of your work as you go on, whether that is experimentation on a broad level, or with a very narrow focus.

One of my favorite 100 in 100 days challenges was Ina's and her wonderful self portraits. Watching her growth as an artist over the course of 100 days is just amazing. And she came up with some great pieces, even if not every one was amazing.

It's the journey. The adventure. The commitment.

Wandering

Wandering Down Mainstreet

One day last week, I had a couple of free hours, all to myself. Unscheduled, between this commitment and that commitment, and I...

I well did this and that. Nothing that had to be productive. Nothing that took care of anyone or cleaned up or was responsible. Nothing that was about being a mom, or even being a writer or being an artist. No work whatsoever. Of any kind.

I went to the library. I browsed online. I had some lunch. I looked at flowers and the clouds in the sky. I took a photo, holding the camera off to the side, not caring what it turned out to look like.

I just went with it, as the storm rolled in and I walked down the street. I said, what the heck why not? Click.

And I captured myself, in transit, and yet free, just a little. Abstract, reflected in an empty store window. And there's the storm, blowing in. And I'm on my way somewhere, but not there yet.

Just a moment, between this one and the next, but complete, all on its own, and not dependent on anything else but the now.

Small Things, With Great Love

Cherry Tree on a Spring Day Pin
Wool and Acrylic Felt, Thread, Pin Backing, about 2" tall

Tell me, how do you achieve great things?

Conquering obstacles? Raising wonderful people? Writing a book? Getting an education? Making a career? Reaching your dream? Changing the world? Becoming yourself?

One.

Step.

At.

A.

Time.

And little steps at that. Baby steps.

It really does seem sometimes that your efforts don't mount to a hill of beans. But do you know, if you keep adding beans, that bean hill really can become a mountain of your own making.

Me, I'm trying to find a way to make a life of art and creativity, helping people to become creative and empowered, to become who they are meant to be. I'm trying to earn a living making things and helping people make things.

But right now, I'm waiting tables after the kids have dinner and go to bed.

It's a thing to do. It would be very easy for me to get discouraged. Wonder why I have to work at a job that doesn't get me to my dreams so that I can get by. It would be easy to think that the savings I'm earning at this job are growing too slowly and I am wasting my time. Or that the little things I can do every day, working towards my dream won't get me there. Bean by bean. All I see are the individual beans, and they don't seem like much.

But...

And this is a big but, and perhaps the answer to how it all can get done...

But... all those little things I am doing, seemingly almost nothing, are actually beginning to add up to, well, something.

I don't know what, exactly, but something. Maybe not as much as I wanted, but something.

This is a sketch I did on register tape, with crayons meant for kids menus. I did it at work, before the customers came in for dinner. I covered it with scotch tape so it wouldn't rub off. Really, I just wanted to capture my sense of the cherry tree across the plaza.

Does it look familiar?

My little nothing sketch in my little nothing time ended up being the inspiration for the pin at the top of the post.

The pin is one of a new collection I am working on. Dozens of pins that I will be putting in my little etsy shop when I can manage to pull all the beans of time into a double handful.

So here, at my job that feels like it's not getting me anywhere I want to go, I am getting somewhere.

And not only that, I think a job like this, where I don't have to be goal oriented all the time, where I have to give up control (I can't MAKE customers walk through the door) I think I am finding some moments of epiphany.

For instance, it is better to let go of your expectations and just be there for the moment. Enjoy it. When I stand there and grouse because I'm tired and there are no customers and thus no money, I feel bad, I get depressed, my back hurts, I snap at people. I fight with loved ones, etc. However, when I take out my little mini pocket notebook (another soon to be product in my etsy shop, inspired by waiting tables) draw sketches, take notes of my dreams, look out the window at the sun shining through the clouds, sing, walk around, stretch, talk to my coworkers, etc, well, the day is better, I don't ache from standing, I get to know people, I discover things about the world, I am inspired, I have ideas to take action on when I get out of work, I have energy to move, I have hope, I think of more options, and I'm nicer to my customers when they finally do come in and thus my tips are better, so I am actually making more money doing the same job.


It is remarkable how living zen and being positive can have such an immediate and intense effect on your own life.

I've been struggling with the zen mindset, really unable to get into it. And here, my little restaurant job helps me be one with the universe.

Talk about unexpected.

And none of it happens because I am trying to take over the world. I set my goals, have them in my sights, and then just live my daily life, baby step by baby step. For what it is, not for what I think it should be.

I'm afraid I'm throwing too many different thoughts into this post. Or maybe they all go together and are connected. I'm pretty sure there's more to it. Or maybe not. Baby steps and living in the moment.

It might be one of those everything and nothing statements. And that might be how the world is made.

Well, it's at least made happier that way.

Presence + Respect = Love

Crayon Tree on Back of Kid's Menu While Working On A Slow Day

The other day, I was working my little part time job at a restaurant and it was dead slow. I drew this picture of the tree in the courtyard, using the crappy crayons they give the kids to keep them quiet while their parents eat.

I was actually quite surprised how it came out. I haven't really used crayons since I was twelve. I guess I always thought of them as an inferior medium. But you know, they are just a medium. What you do with them depends upon how you work them.

I found them to have an expressive movement, able to make very light lines, or make intense lines with very little pressure. I found that they blended well when a lighter color was used over the top of an underlayer. And using different colors in layers made interesting and lively shades.

Go figure.

I also found that I enjoyed just drawing from life. It was almost meditative, paying attention to the image in front of me, and what came out on the paper.

A suppose this is a lesson to me. Don't count something out because you "think" it isn't fancy enough. Be in the moment you are in, and give respect to the task at hand, whether that is a crayon drawing or a job hosting or taking care of the kids or paying attention to where you are.

And also, maybe I should do some more life drawing. It's pleasant.

Attention is love, I recently read somewhere. What is attention? Presence and respect? Hmm. I don't know, that might be a good recipe for attention... and so for love.

Purge the Bad. Make Room for the Amazing

I quit.

Yes I did. There was a straw. It was the last one. I said I'd had enough and quit my crappy part time job waiting tables in a crappy, if craggily romantic outdoor grill..

Ever quit a job before without prospects? Such a strange, freeing, scary prospect. When I first quit I was giddy with the idea of putting my energy into creating freelance opportunities and my etsy store. Now I am just getting froze up. Good and frozed.

Facing the prospect of actually going after my own dreams without any back up plan, without any distraction (aside from those pesky little children) is a frightening thing. You mean I actually have to make all this stuff MEAN something? I have to put myself out there in the big, bad world and PROVE myself?

Oh it is all feeling so very significant, now. And by "it" I mean everything. This post. Buying art supplies on line. Sketching an idea in my journal. Looking over my old stuff. Watching tv with my kids. What I have for dinner. It is as if every small decision I make is imbued with the heaviness of my success and/or failure.

So in the face of the importance of my every little decision and action, I was surfing around on line (also known as avoidance) and came across this over at Zen Habits and all of a sudden, a light went off or I took a deep breath or something that seemed to make the world work just a little bit better and make a little more sense.

It's not all that significant. Life is transitory, even when we try to hold on. It's okay to play with all the things I want to do. Maybe I don't have to be the BEST painter or the BEST writer, maybe I just have to play with what I love and share? Hmm? Maybe if it's not so significant, then I can take the shot and jump in with both feet instead of taking half-baby steps? Maybe my spiritual development and my development as a human being (as well as that of my kids) is STILL more important than whether or not I ever make six figures as an artist/writer or get reviewed in the NYT or even manage to make a living with it all. And gosh, if I haven't aggressively gotten rid of all the crap in my life this year, then I don't know what I have done. I've left room for creating lots and lots of good.

What kind of delicious mess can I make of my life now? How often can I play with my paints? What pickles can I get the characters of my novel into? What limbs will my kids color with markers? How many chances will I have to try out something new and exciting? (It's EXCITING, not SCARY!)

It isn't about fixing things so that they are perfect. It isn't about making lots of money. It isn't about "saving" my life through internet connections. It isn't about finally fulfilling all the ambitions I've every had.

It is just about living. It is about enjoying my kids and my art and my writing and the sun and the leaves and my favorite shows and my guy and my family and my food. Get rid of the stuff I don't want and/or need. Indulge in the stuff I love. Trust that I am enough just the way I am. Be at ease with the way things are.

Just Be.

Slow Night at the Sunset Grill

It ain’t pretty, but there is a certain poetry to working at the Sunset Grill. The tin roofed, cement floored patio. The antique wood patio tables. The rolls of paper towels set out instead of napkins. The palm trees waving in the flowery breeze. The traffic whizzing by on 30th Avenue.

A customer told me why he likes the place. “This is old Florida,” he said, and I think I understand. It’s about hot days and casual food, people who stay when others end their holidays, shorts and tank tops and flip flops, old-timers, alligators, huge live oaks dripping with Spanish moss, vegetation growing mad, and the wild, weather beaten corners of life. It is not strip malls and corporate chains.

I never thought I’d be living here in Florida, but life has a way of twisting and turning and here I am. It kind of feels like a hiatus from the real world, a semi-working half-vacation… but then again, it doesn’t.

Maybe the step back from my old life in New York City allows me to really take stock. Maybe waiting tables in this place that really, is just a simple place with a long history, is allowing me to move towards what I really want to do with my life. It’s a place and a time to redefine who I am, and remember who I was before the world took over and had its say about where I was headed.

See more progress on: The Restaurant Pages