Head of a Girl from the Past, and Changing

Head of a Girl from the Past
ink on moleskine


I have lost count of what number "head of a girl" this is. I've decided to go with names form now on, rather than numbers. What started out as an exercise to see what I could do with ink wash portraits has begun to take on meaning on its own, it's begun to become something of its own.

I suppose that's the nature of a series. It serves as a way for you to grow. You keep going back to the same theme or technique and you develop it with each following piece.

I don't know where this series will go. It's led me back to portraits, which I've always enjoyed, so that's good, and also drawing from references again, instead of making things up wholesale in my head. That's not a bad thing either.

In this season of beginning of the year resolutions I've been thinking about change a lot.

I think sometimes we expect to be able to change, just like that, make a resolution and that's it, quit cigarettes, lose weight, get published, go back to school... whatever the goal. But I don't think that change, real change really works like that.

Change doesn't happen all at once, it happens in stages and baby steps. Change is more like growth, or evolution. Change is something that happens inside of you first, that makes you want to take that small step, and the small step is what helps you get to the next choice, and making that choice convinces you that this is where you want to go.

Maybe change begins with an idea, "I can do that..." or "I don't have to be this..." A possibility. An idea. A realization that the dream is possible, an opening of doors, a willingness to take a chance, a first step out on that long journey, the beginning attempts at an exercise, even if they fail at first, and the commitment to keep trying, even though it doesn't seem like you will ever see that desired, whole-sale change or growth.

Maybe life is all about change. We have the illusion that things won't change or we will always be where and what we are, but the truth is, nothing stays the same and we are always in flux.

Perhaps part of our issues with making lasting change in our life is that we don't expect to fail in our attempts. We think that we make up our mind to change and that's it, it should be smooth sailing from then on in. But change is such a all encompassing thing, from the inside out, that it doesn't make sense that it would be all that easy.

There are going to be set backs. There are going to be moments where you are just not living up to your high ideals. There are going to be moments when you are scared and don't think you can do it. There are going to be moments where the old fears and bad feelings rise up again. There are going to be external difficulties, time constraints, people who don't support us, physical difficulties, unexpected disasters, whatever.

But in our journey to truly change, to GROW and develop and transform, we have to trust that the path we've set out on is the right one. And if it isn't as easy as we thought, we are still moving forward, despite stumbles or road blocks or detours. Sometimes, our journey might lead us into places we didn't expect, places we didn't dare hope for. Sometimes we might find we have to rest on our journey, or stop not quite at the end, or re-evaluate our destination.

Keep going. Don't give up. Expect set backs. Trust yourself. Trust the process.

Change is hard. Growth is hard. Life is hard.  Yup. So we might as well just keep going through.

Head of a Girl 14 or Marilyn in Rose and Dreaming

Head of a Girl 14, or Marilyn in Rose
ink wash on watercolor paper
4.5" x 6"
1/6/13

I've been thinking about dreams lately... not the close your eyes at night kind, the big kind, the kind that get you up in the morning and get you moving. The kind where you envision a life that you'd love living. The kind that are about goals and wishes. Those kind of dreams.

Marilyn Monroe was a dreamer. She put herself out there and she was hurt. She never stopped being vulnerable and I think she achieved her dreams... although perhaps sometimes those dreams ended up being painful and sometimes she had to sacrifice for them and she definitely experienced loss in their pursuit.

When you commit to your dreams... what happens?

When you take steps to achieve your dearest goals... how does your life change?

When you accept that this is the risk you are willing to take and this is the cliff you are willing to leap from... how do you learn how to fly?

btw Marilyn is for sale in my etsy shop
https://www.etsy.com/listing/119788654/head-of-a-girl-14-marilyn-in-rose-ooak

Girl of Freaks: a novel of not werewolves (pending)

Girl Of Freaks: a novel of not werewolves by Rowena Murillo (cover mock up)
ink, acrylic and pencil on paper

This year, I am going to do my damnedest to get my novel published. It's ready, now it's just up to me to put it out there.

When I told Jen Lemen of this goal, she gave me an assignment to create a mock up of my novel cover.

Immediately, the impulse is for me to say, "no, that's not what I had planned for the day," but considering that I say "no" too often, and my word for the year is...

yes
sharpie, tape residue, and "vintage" foam core board.

..."YES" it was time for me to try the challenge. I took out my ink and my journal and searched for a likely photo reference (my first instinct was to use one of myself, but I really didn't want to paint myself for my book cover as the mc is not me) and got going.

This is what I did. Of course, when I get published, this will not by the cover. I'm not even sure it's the best cover for the book, but putting it out there, visualizing it, making it a real thing helps me to focus on my goals.

Thank you Jen for the good assignment and giving me a leaping off point for the rest of my year.

Learning How To Say Yes 72-77/100 in 100 days

Yes (gold and silver)

pencil and acrylic

72/100

One of the things I have to practice is saying yes to life. My first impulse is always to say no. The farther out of my comfort zone things are, the more likely I am to say no, or just clam up and hide.

I've learned to get around this impulse. I make myself little reminders, like this painting of YES. Or I try to change my automatic internal dialogue into something more positive. I ask myself, what's the worst that could happen? I join blog challenges to do one brave thing a day. Sometimes, I just hold my breath and jump in.

Another thing I do to help myself learn to take chances and try new things and go for my goals, is to take baby steps. For instance, I wanted to do more portraits, try something new, really get into it. So I started small. The earlier recent portraits are an example. The first ones were a bit over 3"x5.5". Note paper size. And then I moved up to vintage book pages at about 4.5"x7". The scrap paper and left over book pages are not only small, but because they are "scrap" the stakes are lowered for me. This enables me to take chances, to risk things not working out... because it's just experimenting.

 

 Head of a Girl 9
ink on vintage Alice in Wonderland Page
4.5"x7"
73/100
Here my experiments get a bit larger. Practicing with the same image, trying new things, learning the technique, branching out.

 Head of a Girl 10
ink on paper, moleskine
5"x8"
74/100
Now on plain paper. This is not watercolor paper and it absorbed the ink strangely. Something I actually thought was interesting, so I decided to try something a bit more challenging

Ivy
ink on paper, moleskine
5x8"
75/100

I painted my daughter. I always find painting kids to be very challenging, because the features are so soft and rounded. But after experimenting with these vintage portraits and the ink, I went for it anyway.

I decided that I like the stronger shadows better. Gives me something else to grab onto with the sepia ink, but all in all, I don't think this is a bad attempt, for a first attempt. Usually, when I do portraits, I do myself... since I am always there and I don't complain when I model. And since the advent of digital photography, I don't even need a mirror, I can just snap a picture and paint it from my camera.

 Selfie
ink on peper
5x8"
76/100

Like here. A painting of a snapshot. This is definitely not my best self portrait, but I'm okay with it. Remember, part of this whole series, aside from getting my numbers up on my 100 in 100 challenge, is to take baby steps towards the harder challenges. Experimenting. Trying new things. Lowering the stakes and the pressure that I put on myself to get things right, and be perfect.

The process of trying out new things with low stakes is also a process of being open to whatever comes... whether it is a surprising aspect of a medium or a new idea of what I might try next.

Head of a Girl 11
ink on paper
5.5"x8.5"
77/100

(does anyone else find it funny that my page sizes are going up in half inch increments?)

This last painting was done this morning when I had a brilliant idea to use acrylic on top of my ink paintings... except I liked how this turned out, with it's strong shadows and pretty girl, so much, that I didn't want to touch it with the experiment.

You see? I stopped the willingness to try new things because I got attached to this "perfection." Not that I think it's perfect, but that I didn't want to "ruin" it.

Luckily, with this series, I am gaining enough facility in the medium and style that I can paint another head of a girl and experiment with that one. Maybe I should go back to my usual head of a girl, so that I can feel more comfortable with trying something new without ruining the existing work.

Being an artist does not mean you are always confident in what you create. Taking chances is part of the territory. Every blank page is the chance to make a masterpiece or a disaster that will make you climb back into bed and hide under the covers.

Learning to get out there, becoming comfortable with the risk, trying things that you've never done before... facing your fears... this is part of being an artist. This is part of being a human, actually. It's a hard lesson, and sometimes you have to relearn it.

Grow/Sun and Shadow. 04/100 Days Creative Challenge

Grow/Sun and Shadow
acrylic on paper
9/4/12
04/100 days creative challenge

I am taking this challenge as an organic one. Much like this drawing. Each day will grow out of the last one. Each painting will come from the last one. Each one leads to one. Like baby steps, leading to the end of the journey.

I don't know where I am going when I take my first step. At each step I look and evaluate where I am and what looks like the next best step. I ask myself, do I like where I am going? Does where I am going feel right? If yes, I continue. If no, I take a look and see if there is anything that I DO like about where I am. I go off in that direction. Or I see if I can adjust it somewhat to fill my needs.

Or I scrap it and follow some other dream/desire/necessity.

I don't have to know where I will end up. I just have to know who I am, what is most important to me, and that I will keep going until things start working out and making sense.

Yes?

Yes.

Babysteps get us where we want to go. We don't need to have the whole journey figured out when we start.

You Know The Answer

You Know The Answer

You know you do.

That thing that you know you need to do to make things work out... you just gotta do it. That choice you have to make? That step you have to take? Just do it.

It doesn't how we talk ourselves out of it, how hard we convince ourselves it is, how impossible it might be. My personal favorite excuse is "Oh I'm so tired, I can't." But the truth is, I know what needs to be done. And I can, even if it's hard and I have to break it down into baby steps and accept that results won't appear right away and maybe not even ever, but I still have to do it.

Putting it off doesn't make it better. It doesn't make the task ahead any easier. It doesn't make us happier in the long run (although, we might be filling our procrastination time with things that make us feel good in the moment).

You know the answer.

Yes, that's the answer I'm talking about.

The scary one.

The one that is really what you want, in your deepest of hearts. The one that you know is the truest of true.

The one that you really have to rise to reach, to be the person you know you want to be.

The one that is all about your dreams. All about your soul.

The RIGHT answer.

Do it.

This Is Your Ticket

I can't promise that it will be easy, in fact, I can promise that it won't be easy, but today, I am telling you that you have permission to follow your dreams and go for that thing that fills your soul with light.

Take that first step. Take the next one, and the one after that. It might be a very long journey. There might be long convoluted detours. You might be delayed. You might pick up travel companions along the way, and you might lose some. You might get weary. You might lose faith in even the existence of that glorious destination. Try anyway.

This is a ticket that says, Yes, you have the right to try for that very hard, very beautiful thing that you have always longed for.

This ticket says your dreams are worth the sacrifice, the hard work, the road less traveled.

Sorry for the dark picture. But in a way, the dark picture is fitting. This ticket was drawn during the middle of the night, because I had to. And the photo was taken in the middle of a thunderstorm, because when the sun was shining, I forgot about what I wanted to do.

Well there's something else for you. Sometimes we need those storms, those shadowed moments, to remember what it is that fills us with light.

So, like I said, you have permission to follow your dreams.

This is your ticket.

Go.

Say Yes To Life, woodland animal paper doll greeting card

Say Yes To Life, woodland animal articulated paper doll greeting card

Here is my bunny. Well, here is the bunny I made for my Bunny. My daughter thinks her real name is Bunny and insists we all call her Ivy Bunny. I made the bunny paper doll particularly for her.

But I like this bunny here, on this card, with the background of lush leaves.  

A rabbit is a sign of Spring. It's a sign that there is abundance, a sign that things are growing, a sign that we should go ahead and let our hope out to romp around in lush gardens.

Don't hide from the joy and the opportunity, get out there and raid that lettuce patch of life. You belong in the abundance that is out there. You are made of yes. You are made of growth and fertility and creativity. Don't let the little fears keep you hidden in your burrow. A rabbit is small and gentle and vulnerable, but every moment they are alive, every step they take into the world is full of bravery and chance taking.

What are you hiding from out of fear? What could you say yes to that might change your life? What chances could you take that would open up possibilities for you? Where could you be brave. Practice saying yes everyday to something that scares you. You might be surprised at how your world can bloom.

Be Brave, you are stronger than you think

Be Brave, you are stronger than you think
watercolor, ink, pencil, clear wax crayon
5"x8"

Some days, things just seem awful scary and overwhelming. The closer you get to things that really matter, they easier it is to invent fears that can stop you.

Today I woke up to face things (that weren't threatening) which made me me inexplicably nervous, so I painted this to remind myself to be brave. Courage is not about not being afraid, but rather about facing up to your fears and forging ahead.

Be Brave you are stronger than you think (detail)

This is the most important part of this little reminder, in my book.

The thing is that, even though we are afraid that things won't turn out the way we want, or things might go wrong, or we might be hurt or we might put something important on the line only to have to rejected, the truth is that even if things DO go wrong, we can make it through. We have before.

We are strong. We are resilient. We are smart enough to figure out what to do next. Even failure does not have to stop us... as long as we are brave enough to keep trying, to risk ourselves, to do what really matters and commit no matter what the outcome might be.

Bravery is how we overcome those odds. And every time we are brave, every time we conquer that fear, we get a little step closer to being the person we want to be. And every time we take that difficult step, we make the next brave step that much easier. I would much rather be in the habit of facing my fears straight on than hiding from them. Turning off the light. Pulling the blanket up over my head.

Being brave gets you a lot farther in life.

When's the last time you were faced with an opportunity to be brave and do something you knew was the best thing to do? How did you overcome your fears and find your courage?

What Do You Want To Make Today (Go For It)

What Do You Want To Make Today? (Go For It) 

journal spread 

stamp, ink, pitt artist pen, acrylic paint 

 This week I needed a reminder that it was okay to just go ahead and make stuff, and it didn't need to be so important or I didn't need to get caught up in all I "should" do. I could just make some stuff. If I wanted to.  I needed a reminder to allow myself to do something just because I wanted to.

So the first thing I did was play with my scallop cork stamp and filled a page with green scallops.

 Then I painted in the center, so I'd have a place to make something.  Then I wrote out what was really on my mind. I colored it in with my Pitt artist pens and then outlined it in polka dots.

Just because. I liked polka dots.  Honestly, I still need to practice using the stamps, figuring out what I want to do with them and how to use them. Creativity is a process and trying to build it back up or learn something new or get involved in a new project, well it generally requires us to deal with rough ideas, incomplete concepts, wobbly motivation, and imperfect technique.

Starting is hard. At least for me. Sometimes it takes weeks of scruffy journal drawings before I can get into "the thing" that fires me up.

Building up the creative practice is also difficult. Depending on where you are starting from (I'm starting from the winter doldrums and fallow period) it can be quite tough to get to the place where you are committed to crafting or painting or writing or whatever it is you want to be doing on an every day basis.

Luckily, I've gone through this process often enough that I trust I can get back to the place I want to be creatively. The trust is very important, I think. You have to trust the process so that you can get through all the bumps and bruises of starting. I want my creative habit. I want my indepth projects. I start to feel wobbly if I don't have that focus. So I'm trusting the process. I'm starting off with my here and there projects, trying to figure out where it is all heading this time around.  One thing I know most of all, though. If you want to do something, you have to start it.

So that's why I drew this page. Go For It. Don't forget to take the risk of maybe not doing it perfectly. Take the risk that you might fail, might make mistakes, might not get as far as you want. If you trust that your process will get you somewhere in the end, you can handle the steps backwards and stumbles and not so pleasing sometimes results.

Me, I think I need better ink colors. And maybe I need to practice making backgrounds. And maybe I want to add more layers. But really I probably want to go back to paint. Sometimes I feel like my art is not complete unless it's painted. It's not true, but it's feeling I have. I want to paint. It's intimidating sometimes, it's a commitment, it's messy, it means I have to sit down and take everything out and follow it through to the end, whether or not I have kids yelling a blue streak around me.

But that leads back to the "Go For It" statement. I'll never get where I want to go if I don't go for it. I'll just feel unsatisfied and rather failurish (it's a word because I made it one).

When I think about it, this post about process is not just about the creative process, this is about any in depth  project you want to take on, whether it is that neglected novel or wanting to eat healthier and lose weight, or declutter your house, or start school again or whatever.

Starting is hard and is made of failures which teach us where we want to go and what we want. But commitment to the project and faith in the process keeps us going.

Onward and upward.

La Pintura On The Way Back

La Pintura, articulated paper doll.

paper, giclee print, metal brads

Long time no see.

I've been in hiding. Well, not really in hiding so much as in a fallow period. Busy with daily life and silent on the outside. But at the same time, I feel a lot of work has been going on under the surface, even if my forward momentum seems to have stalled.

But the way my life works, I've found this is actually a normal part of the process. Again and again, I've gone through quiet, struggling periods of life, where art is silent and the transformation process is dark and quiet.

It would be easy to get stuck there, to think, "I have creative block," or "I give up," or "I just can't do it, my life is too difficult to allow these goals in." But the truth is, my goals as an artist and a writer are not just something that comes from the outside, they are a part of me. Even when I'm not painting or writing, I still feel that urge, and it gets stronger and stronger until I have to work my way back. Because I am just who this Paper Doll says I am. I am The Painter. And I am The Writer. I am the Artist even if she's quiet sometimes.

So here I am working my way back, trying to find the right steps to take me back to creativity and productivity. That's okay. Remember, this si part of the process. I'm beginning to remember creativity as a choice, a daily choice. I'm beginning to remember myself as the creator, even at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and have been taking care of other people all day long. Part of taking care of myself is creating things.

So.

So then. The baby steps I am taking are towards recommitting to art and writing. I have begun painting again, little things in my journals. I took out my new-used sewing machine for the first time and gave it a whirl. I went back to my old novels and read them over to get ready for a new commitment to nanowrimo.org.

Yes, I'm going to try to write a novel in November, again. I am very worried, to tell the truth. I've met the goals every year for the last five, but this year, my habits are so poor and my mind is so out of writing that I am concerned that I won't be able to get the writing juices flowing and actually sit down at the computer every day.

So I am afraid. And that means I have to do it. Is fear what has been stopping me all along? Am I just using busy-ness and fallow-ness as an excuse for not doing it?

Well, I'm going to try again. I'm going to go for the daily commitment. And I might as well do Art Everyday Month, too. Commit to a daily creative practice and it will come back, I know this. Because for all I've been "The Mom" all this summer and autumn, I really am "The Artist." I am "The Writer." I am "The Painter." It's just who I am, and I am going to find a way to integrate all these parts of me. I just am.

Wish me luck.

A Crown, Fear, and 15 Minutes

Last Minute Birthday Crown Pin

felt, thread, embroidery floss, pin finding

Well, February is just about 1/4 done. My kids are out, attending a birthday party at some bouncy house. They asked for no presents, but I could help whipping up a little birthday girl crown for the kid of the day. I hope the girl in question likes it. Maybe she only likes things that are store bought? Or maybe she is much more sophisticated than me and prefers Tiffany boxes and stuff like that. Oh well. She's getting this and a card made by my son. I'm quite impressed with that, since he wrote it out all by himself (with my help on the spelling) without complaining. He's a complainer, you see. Hates not being able to do things well. Hates the feeling that he is at a loss. Seems to be afraid of that beginner stage. Afraid of not being good enough...

And it turns out this post is not just unrelated rambling.

February is 1/4 done and I have not started my revising.

Just like my son, I hate not being able to do things well. Hate the feeling that I am at a loss. Am afraid of the beginner stage, and most of all, am afraid that I am not good enough.

This is the closest I have ever gotten to having a novel published. I am almost at the point where I can send this thing out into the world and let it rest on it's own merits. The closer this gets, the scarier it gets.

Being an artist is about facing your fears. This is why everyone is not writing novels, I think. Because it's scary as fuck and the scariest thing about it is what is inside of your own head.

Well. So there. Excuse my french. But it's really scary.

And while my kids are out at their bouncy party, giving the birthday girl her handmade card and crown pin, I am sitting at home, with the delightful silence and stillness, and... doing not much of anything.

I have to head to work in 40 minutes.

Am I brave enough to take some of those minutes and sit and look at my waiting novel? What say you, Ro? Take out your colored pen and wave it like a magic wand over that fourth draft, turn it into the novel that you imagine????

15 minutes. That's all you have to do to get started. Even the biggest fear can be conquered for only 15 minutes, right? No more than that if you don't want to.

15 minutes starting......

NOW!

Happy 2011. To Life!

I haven't done much this past week. Relaxed. Slept. Spent time with the kids. Worked when I had to. But I took a break on projects and being creative.

So here's a photo from a couple weeks ago, right after it snowed. The snow is all gone now, washed away in a warmth and rain.

I have some goals for the new year, but one of the most important goals is to enjoy the life I have and not always be doing stuff to get somewhere that I'm not.

Enjoy Life. Celebrate.

Yes.

Life is not perfect the way it is. There are always going to be things I want to do and have done. But this is the life I have and it deserves to be enjoyed.

In order to do that, I do think I have to reduce some of my own anxiety and pressure on myself. Accept what is there. Have faith that everything will work out. I've thought about what I need for this, and I'm pretty sure it's organization that is missing. So.

Organize.

Yes.

Now it may seem that Enjoying Life and Organizing Life are opposite goals. One is about being free and one is about constraining.... however, this is my life we are talking about and I have to be honest about who I am and where I am and what I need.

I have goals. Real goals. Big goals that take a lot of work. And I have a complicated family with their own needs that I am kind of in charge of (hey who made up THAT rule?) and I have to manage them, too. That's more work. But I don't want to just work and work and work and then work some more.

So if I think about it, to organize my day and plan where things need to be done, that would help. I would be able to know what needs to be done and how much time I have, and when there are deadlines and how it all fits together. This would allow me to relax, because I could trust in things being done.

The question is, do I make my big major goals into my "New Year Resolutions?"

Somehow, I think those are too difficult to maintain for a whole year. Better is to focus on a way of being. Enjoying. Organizing.

Maybe what I really need to do is to say yes to life.

Whenever I've had breakthroughs in my life, it has always been around saying yes, instead of saying no. Being brave. Stepping outside of my comfort zone.

So here are my big three goals for the year.

Enjoy.

Organize.

Say Yes to Life.

Enjoy Life and Letting the Light in

Enjoy Life

watercolor, pen, pencil on paper

4"x8", repurposed menu

AEDM #15

I woke up this morning, still recovering from the flu or a cold or whatever this is, also suffering from a wine headache (known as an adult hangover, even though as an adult I only had three glasses all night and wasn't even buzzed) and feeling stressed out and behind on all my goals.

And then I said to myself, you know self? I'm going to try to enjoy my day.

And then, I must admit to you that I didn't quite succeed. It's kind of hard to enjoy your day when your stomach starts rebelling. (I really shouldn't drink wine. Sulfites aren't kind to me. Too bad it tastes so good.)

So a few hours later, after some squealing kids, a little bit of web surfing, some alka seltzer, and something to eat, I managed this little painting.

Witness:

No pressure to be perfect.

Going with the flow of life, paint, and paper.

Lots of color.

Remembering to remember.

Inspiring others (the boy has decided to paint again, finally. we may have broken through his own perfectionism that keeps him from painting/drawing/writing.)

Using what you have and living where you are.

Just breathing.

I can't guarantee that I have enjoyed every bit of today, but I'm trying to remember that I enjoy the parts I do enjoy, and not let the grumpy parts take over the rest.

I should be going down to do some writing in about a half hour, so I am trying to prepare myself to get writing. After my slow down this last week, I am still ahead, but not as far. And this morning, I thought about what I want this story to be... on the whole. I want it to be about a strange beauty, shadows and the unexpected things that grow there, the power that we find when we truly embrace ourselves and all our imperfections. And in order to that, I need to push myself to go deeper, wider, bigger. Also harder, more painful, uglier.

To go all the way with our endeavors, we really have to commit to the whole thing, even if it's scary, even if it isn't expected, even if people might not like it. Even if it's odd.

Say yes to those cracks between things.

That's how the light gets in.

Okay well, we'll see if I'm brave enough to go to those cracked and dark places, instead of just going with the flow.

As for you, I hope you are remembering to enjoy life in your little cracked or not so cracked parts of the world..

Hi Ho, Silver-- I Mean, Glittery Ruby!

Glitter Ruby Horse (on desk, with plant and chocolate covered raisins.)

Plastic Cowboy Scene Horse, Gesso, Acrylic Paint, Acrylic Gel Medium, Glitter

11/02/10, AEDM #2

I had the urge, yesterday, to get some glitter out into the world.

Luckily, I had some glitter left over from Halloween projects. And unluckily for my kids' little toy horse, it was in my line of sight when the urge overtook me.

This could be a dangerous situation, as it is rather easy to turn something regular into something FABULOUS. Although it did demand patience, because there are four layers here, gesso, paint, gel medium (which might not be the best thing to make glitter stick) and glitter. And I needed to let most of these layers dry before moving on to the next. Which I did not. And it was hard to get the whole thing glittered without rubbing off some of the glitter that was already placed.

Anyway, I enjoy the broad definition of art in the AEDM rules, as this might be more properly defined as craft, but for me, I think it's a blurry distinction.

I showed my daughter, and she's already declared that she needs a pink glitter unicorn.

Glittery Ruby Horse on desk with plant and Creativity Jar

I also wanted to show you my jar of art projects.

I wrote ideas for projects on an index card, cut them up into little strips, then curled them on the end of a paintbrush and dropped them into the mason jar.

This is to help me out on those nights when I collapse on the couch after a long day, with nary a creative idea in my head.

I can reach over and pull a curly strip, and let chance decide how I will be creative that night. I haven't needed to do that yet, but I'm sure I will at some point. Every time I have a new idea, I write it down, make another strip and drop it in. And I also have no problem with rejecting an idea I pull, if I don't really want to do it. I don't want this to feel like work. I want it to be fun.

Last night, I was really tired and didn't want to create. I just wanted to be a shlub.... but I know that in order to develop the creative habit of nightly painting to the point where it is automatic instead of a chore I have to make myself do... I have to honor my commitment, my long term goal of creativity, rather than my short term desire to be lazy.

It's a delicate balance, trying to walk between that commitment and keeping it fun. But that's why we keep the rules light and flexible, so that there is room for both the commitment and the fun.

How are you doing in your creative commitments this month? Are you managing to remember that this is fun? Are you staying true to your long term desire to be creative, even though the fear pops up and tries to make you do something else, anything else?

Maybe the Glittery Ruby horse might serve as a reminder that we have to get back on that horse, if we want to get all the way to the end of our creative journeys. And yet, this is still a FABULOUS journey, full of joys and light and unexpected turns.

Hmm. Yes. I do think so.

I believe that Glittery Ruby Horse will find a place on my desk, as a muse to my creativity and a reminder to remember the joy.

(Now if only I can get her away from my daughter. Perhaps a promise of a glittery pink unicorn will do.)

Little Gods and Goddesses: Nanowrimo, The First Day

Little Gods and Goddesses

"cover art"

11/1/10 Day 1 AEDM

acrylic and pencil on paper

Yesterday, the start of Nanowrimo and AEDM, I woke up bright and early, took the boy to the school bus while the moon was still out, returned home, and promptly got to work... on Facebook.

Oops.

It turns out it's really scary to get started on those big projects that you have big hope for.

The more weight you put on something, the scary it is for you to actually tackle.

But, I pulled on my big girl pants and sat down and tackled it one word at a time. And it turned out it wasn't that hard to tackle.

I don't want to talk about my impression of the WORTH of what I wrote to get myself started. But it is not really important how good the writing is, not at this point. I am writing my way into the story. I might delete every word I've just written-- at some later stage. Because right now it is not about having lyrical prose, engaging characters or a fantastic plot.

Right now it is just about getting the words down, getting rid of that empty page. Getting the ideas out into some sort of concrete form. Giving myself a scaffold to which I can hang my story.

This is the first draft.

The glories and the pains of just writing it out.

It's a little bit difficult to switch from the editor's cap which I have been wearing for the last 11 months, to the first drafter's cap. But I'm working on it.

The most important phrase of this whole post is the one I just wrote, "I'm working on it." Because you can't write a novel, not a first draft, not a second draft, not a final version, if you don't sit down and work on it.

Little Gods and Goddesses, detail (with the little mermaid. i like her.)

The images I have here are from my first piece of art for AEDM. It's "cover art" for my nanowrimo novel. Well... it's a concept. I drew the sketch for it last week when I was trying to get into my story, get a handle on it, understand what it was about and what the themes were and what the title was.

Right now the working title is Little Gods and Goddesses. I don't know if I'll keep it, but it keeps me focused on some things. And it makes me happy when I see it. And if it weren't for AEDM, I wouldn't have sat down with my paints and finished this cover art, temporary as it may be. Just me and Chuck and some chocolate chip cookies and my paints. After Chuck was over, I closed my paints, turned off the tv, and went to bed, satisfied to have met my goals for the day.

Nanowrimo : 5180 words

AEDM 1/30

Projects and Creative Process

Sketch, unfinished

From The Sketchbook Project

Where oh where have I been?

I had a little bit of a breakdown, actually. Oh, not like that, but after working furiously this weekend, and marinating in angst over finishing my final draft and synopsis and query letters before November 1st so I could start nanowrimo, I realized that I needed another pass of revision, more research on agents, and more time to write a good query and synopsis.

I will not be able to send out my novel this week. Period.

Even though it is better for my book and for me, once I realized that, I got a little funky. I felt like I was trying so hard and working so hard but no matter how hard I tried, I was always left with nothing at the end.

Of course, that's not a true feeling. I am not nowhere now. I have worked hard, but my novel is there, all four drafts of it, and I am farther along in the process than I have ever been. And some time off from the first novel means I will be able to get more feedback from my readers, and have time to make a really good query letter, which is all important. And I will also be able to add another layer of meaning to the book, since I am writing the sequel. (Oh I know people say to sell it before you write the next book, but I would write it even if I didn't get it sold, I do it because I love it, so, thus my decision. And I don't want to miss nanowrimo.)

The truth is art is a process. And something huge like a novel is even more of a process. Or this sketchbook, which is not about one page, but about the whole thing.

I am starting my sketchbook project. My theme is "If you lived here..." It wasn't my first choice of theme, but I had technical difficulties and couldn't get the shopping cart to take my order (for weeks, seriously!) until I changed my subscription and when I finally ordered my journal, my favorite themes were taken.

But, I enjoy a challenge of theme and inspiration, and I thought it would be interesting to see what came up.

I did my first sketch while waiting for my son's school bus. And the second one, too a few days later. And then I realized how much I love some of these cool old houses here in my town. Wondering about what it's like to live there.... And whabam, I had my way in. Not sure what this project will look like when it's done, what it will be like to live there, in that project, but I'm giving it a shot.

But let me tell you, I don't intend to just sketch houses. Something is going to happen to these houses over the course of the next couple of months. I plan to sketch a bunch, fill the book, and then go back over it and add color, detail, print, collage... whatever feels right. I'm thinking Art Every Day Month can help me with getting this done before the deadline. I'll probably have to return to my post bedtime/primetime tv painting schedule to get this done. And I'm looking forward to seeing how the sketchbook project (which I won't get to keep) will affect my art in general.

So that's where I am. With not much final work to show you, but hip deep in process, and done with the angst (for now).

On Creativity, Blogging, Writing and Feedback

I haven't blogged this much week, but I didn't want anyone to feel abandoned, or to think I wasn't being creative.

I wasn't painting or drawing, and haven't really taken photos since last Monday (the above photo is from then, but I really like some of the Autumn cloudy golden hour traveling photos, so I'm okay). And usually, my blog posts are inspired by the images I have. When I sit down to blog, I run through my recent photos and pick the one to inspire the blog. It's usually a photo of some craft or painting, and when I don't have one of those, a photo like this, taken just for prettiness.

But this week, I have been focusing on writing. Well, that and the kids. And the working. So there's not much evidence of the work I've done.

But I did finish doing a fourth pass of my novel, editing and fine tuning some of the language. I sent out some chapters to friends of mine, trusted readers.

I started getting text messages not too long after sending out the first 7 chapters or so.

Send more please I have finished. And must have more please. Please send the whole thing can’t wait I’m hooked. Need my fix.

I wasn't quite done with the editing then, so I sent her the next two chapters... and got this.

Can u try resending 8 and 9 again? And send me more pls I will be on the road for another 4 hours at least.

K finished 8 and 9 it was spotty internet reception. I’m ready for the rest and to be honest not very patiently. This is a very good story and I see it v...

...ery visually. Please send me the rest I can’t wait.

And then as I rushed, to finish, even more.

OK done where is the rest lady????? Sorry I’m being pushy but its ur fault for writing a page turner. U can upload all the pages on google. It isn’t save...

...d on ur puter but the google network. Hurry up please I have to find out what happens in Scranton.

Ok don’t be holding out now. LOL its really good.

In the end I sent her the unedited draft and let her chew over the last half of the book while I retreated to the basement on my day off and spent the day editing and writing my author's outline.

And while I was working on the last couple of chapters, she started filling up my text inbox with this

There r more books no? I feel like it’s a trilogy or something.

I knew it lol. It’s really entertaining and addictive. The characters r real people. I see them feel for them root for them. U will have no prob selling t...

...his book.

I have a good feelin. U know I read a lot. U know I love books. I want more I’m thinking about the next book. When I get like this I make terry take me

To the store so I can buy all the books in the series. That is how I feel about this book. It is what I see in the future. BTW it is visual enough for a...

...movie. I saw that immediately. Get writing missy U got me addicted. When I read it I’m in the book drawn in. I forget u wrote it. I’m immersed in it. And...

...right now I’m kinda pissy that I have to wait for the next book. All signs that it is good.

PLEASE

After I finished I came up stairs and received a phone call, where we must have talked for an hour about my book. She helped me come up with some plot ideas for the next book, and saw elements of my family in the characters... because you see she is my cousin.

All in all, it was a good thing for my afraid-to-show-my-book self.

Thanks Mitz for the review and the book talk.

It was a good ego boost, and now I can try to whip my query, synopsis, and sample chapters into shape and send them out to agents before Nanowrimo... when I will start the next book and forget all about agents.

The Last Pages

The Last Pages

casio exilim

I have 10 minutes to write to you before I have to run for lunch.

Have I been avoiding this post? Why? I have big news.

I shhhhhhhh finished my novel.

The above picture is me editing my last few pages, down in the basement, alone, blessedly, working.

Now I have to polish up those first few chapters, although after I finished the last page, I did do another pass at the troublesome first chapter. I've worked at it so much that it's not as bad as I feared.

I think I'll take a break on that editing for a bit, and start working on my synopsis. Do some research on agents. Take a stab at doing a query letter.

If any of you know of any good websites for research on these matters, I would be so grateful if you sent them to me. Knowledge is power, you know.

And of course, if you want to take a look at my mss and publish it, I wouldn't be against it. ;)

Harvest Soon Travelling

Harvest Soon Travelling

poladroid ap

I don't have that much time to write undisturbed without kids, but I'm still going. Still chugging along. I am closer than I have ever been to having a polished piece of work. It's amazing how those small bits of time can really add up. That should be a lesson to us all. We always think that nothing can get done unless we have everything just right to finish it, but it's so much easier to finish those big projects in small bites, doing a bit a day and staying committed.

By staying committed, I find I am almost done. Almost ready to show to people. Almost ready to send it out and find an agent. Or at least try to. I know that's a whole different story.

And the whole thing is scary. I love to write and do it for my own pleasure, but I want someone to read it. I want it to be read. Except it's scary to think about people actually READING it. Judging it. Paying money for it.

With all the commitment I've made to writing over the last 25 years I'm not going to let a little fear stop me, but I am going to admit it's there.

Fear is one of those things that can scatter when you turn on the light and look at it. Like cockroaches.

Do I want to let those fear cockroaches stop me from going where I want to go with my life? No. Look. I'm even talking about it on my blog. People I know will hear all about my fears. And about my novel almost being ready to read.

When you turn on the lights in your life, where do you find those fear cockroaches? Is it time for you to do a little stomping?