Experimenting. 49-60/100 in 100 days

Pout

ink on paper

49/100

I stopped pouting about being overwhelmed and behind and having so much to do and etcetera, and decided to pick up a paintbrush and dip it into some ink and paint on whatever came to hand... mostly old papers that I found in my boxes from three years ago.  

Imaginary Face 1

ink on paper

50/100

Experimenting with ink and brush. I found this too dark. The face was... well, an experiment.

Imaginary Face 2
ink on paper
51/100

Still too dark. Meh.

Face 3
ink on paper
52/100

Liking the light wash much better.

 Head of a Girl 1
ink on paper
53/100

Found a vintage painting by Martiros Saryan, to use as a reference. Liked the head tilt and the shadows. Continued experimenting.

 Head of a Girl 2
ink on paper
54/100

Found a photo reference (lost alas) for this head of a girl

 Head of a Girl 3
ink on vintage book paper
55/100

Really wanted to paint more of the first girl. Ran out of scrap grid papers though. Moved on to pieces torn from a book I altered, many years ago (10 years?). I do so love vintage book pages. And they go with the vintage image inspiration. And the sepia toned ink that is from a vintage circa 10 years ago.

Head of a Girl 4
ink on vintage book paper
56/100

Still loving her head tilt, and the line of the neck and the shoulder. Kind of like how each painting has her looking a little bit different.

 Head of a Girl 5
ink on vintage book paper
57/100

Wanted to try it with a different reference photo. Tried this one. Her name is Nita Naldi. You might recognize her from here. She's a femme fatale. Do you notice the title of the page is "Death?" Unintentional. It was just the scrap paper I had left over.

Man Reading on the Subway
ink on vintage paper
58/100

Saw another vintage photo source. Thought I'd try something different, something less girl-y. Shoot lost my photo source. Darn it.

Head of a Girl 6
acrylic and ink on paper
59/100

Back to my Head of a Girl. This time, I wondered what would happen if I played with some things. Color. Shape. Tilt of head remains, neck, shoulder, and the shadows. A little bit of the Leonor Fini influence.

Head of a Girl 7
acrylic and ink on paper
60/100

Another version of my head of a girl. I like her. She looks more fifties than thirties style. And reminds me also of this girl.

Here are a couple days of experimentation. I was having fun and I liked the way some of these turn out. I think sometimes you have to delve into an idea and see where it goes. Although, sometimes you also just have to lower stakes and try new things.  A little bit of both, maybe.

Let's see what I come up with next. I am not as far behind as I was last week. And I still have a few more days to catch up. Gotta keep moving.

I Want To Be Free and How We Measure the Universe

I Want To Be Free, and How We Measure the Universe
acrylic on vintage dinosaur book page

Sometimes, I get frustrated.

I have the urge to paint something or write something, but it has not done enough percolating around inside of my brain to come out.

I want to be free in my creativity, I want to have the answers to these big questions... sometimes all I want are the questions, and I don't even have the right questions to get where I want to go.

I think when I forget that this is all a process, that's when I start to get blocked up. It's because I expect everything I do to be genius, to thrill me, to be "right." But the truth is, when you are taking chances and trying new things, and making it up as you go along, well, then sometimes it isn't going to work out.

You'll have false starts and ugly results and sometimes just 'meh'.

And that's ok. Keep trying. Keep picking up that paintbrush. Keep sitting down at that keyboard. Keep going. Don't give up.

New and Improved Creativity Log, Now with Bravery!

 A New Improved Creativity Log (blank)

I'm really trying to get organized and be productive again. It's quite the process and often doesn't look like it's going anywhere in all the business of every day life... until it does, and you realize you've finished huge projects and pulled your life back together and taken major steps on the journey to your dreams.

I realized something about how far along I am right now in my creative process when I found this post in the random search of my archives. That post was about wanting to be creative, but still being quiet and still...being fallow. Which can feel awful when you really really want to be doing stuff and making stuff, but is often a necessary phase in being creative. But if you keep at it and keep trying and continue to have faith in yourself and your creative process, then you do ultimately start moving.

I am right now in the motion phase of my creative journey. What a relief after standing still for so long. I'm not going as fast or as far as I want to yet, but I am picking up speed.

One of the things I'm doing to keep up my momentum and take stock of what I actually am doing is to go back to keeping a creativity log. I've written about it before, but I've decided to make some improvements.

The planner is a place where I can keep track of what I have done that day. We all know about to do lists and how gratifying it is to cross stuff off, but it is very easy for us to forget everything we are doing that never got onto the list, small things, or unexpected things, or every day things that have a big impact on your day and your creativity. That's why I keep my log. And I break it down into categories because it is so easy for me to lose my balance and focus too much on one area, all my attention might go to my kids, or I might be obsessed with painting or I might completely forget that I have to take care of myself. So I list the important categories/goals at the top of my log, and then the day of the week down the side and then write down what I've done to fit that category for the day. Simple as that. But this time around, I'm changing things around to fit my life and also to deal with some things that I struggle with, to make the log even more effective for the way I do things.

First of all, I put some pages in my handmade planner. I'm kind of loving my planner and making all the notes  and lists and such. But I also love using my stamps in my planner. For some reason, when the papers we look at all day are pretty and have pleasing colors, when they feel good in the hand, I'm more likely to use them, so making my log pretty, not just a drawn in grid, helps me want to use it.

New and Improved Creativity Log Imperfect and In Action

 This one here is my first try at making my new log. I don't know if you can tell, but there are some mistakes with the stamping and the boxes do not all line up as you go down the page. Whoops. Luckily I had a marker the same color as the ink I used so I just drew lines to keep the days straight. But even though I hadn't gotten the format down pat, I started to log my creativity for the week, anyway.

New and Improved Creativity Log (detail) in use, with some entries and notes

 Here is a closeup of the started log. You can see Self, Writing, Art/Craft, and Business (which is anything that has to do with money and jobs and finances). The categories you can't see are Blog, Kids, Home, and there's one more, which I'll talk about later.

One of the things I noticed right away when I started my log (this is only two days of logging, mind you) is that I am seriously avoiding Writing. I am not counting blogging as writing because I know the projects I mean to be working on and I am not doing them because I am afraid. So, when I noticed that I was avoiding writing, I filled my empty log slot with a stamp, saying "DON'T IGNORE ME".  I need to know when I am avoiding something. I need to be faced with the fact that I am avoiding it. I need to stop hiding from it, because I know what my real goals are.

Another thing that I added to my new log is that I am not only keeping track of the tasks I complete, but I am also adding a star to the activities that make me feel good about myself, make me feel productive and make me feel like I can tackle the next step. I want to see which kinds of things lead to the most positive feelings. And I want to value those activities for their emotional and psychological weight.

New and Improved Creativity Log (detail) with the hand carved stamp that has helped improve it.

This brings me to the last new thing that I added to my creativity log. A new category. It isn't strictly about being creative... actually neither is the whole log, it's more about productivity, or perhaps, working on the rest of my life so that I can be creative. The new category is called, "Big Girl Panties," aka "Be Brave." In this row, there is a place that I can mark down what I have done that has been scaring me, intimidating me. What I have been avoiding because it is too important, fits into my neuroses, or is too far out of my comfort zone. All those things about which I have spent my life muttering, "I cant!" This is the category that has been standing in my way, and these are the things that I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with.

This category pleases me. I feel so good when I can accomplish something that has been scaring me, even if it something so simple as emailing someone. I feel competent and capable and brave, and that means I am feeling stronger and more able to tackle everything else. This category also helps me think about the other things that are scaring me, the things I need to tackle next. I've put lists in my weekly planners of scary stuff that I am afraid of but still need to take care of. Like I said before, the more I pay attention to these things that scare me and the less I hide from it, the better it is for my creativity, my productivity and my life.

All in all, I'm really proud of the way this creativity log is turning out. It is about doing it. It is about taking those steps toward what you really want. I suppose it wouldn't even need to be about creativity, if your goals were more along the lines of career or home or business, but for me it's creativity. And something they don't really tell you before you start trying to make art or write novels or compose symphonies is that the hardest part about creating is not really about writing, painting or the act of creating. The hardest part about being creative is confronting your own fears, battling your demons, overcoming your flaws, facing your dreams and digging into the heart of all that you are.

What are the categories that you would put into your own personal creativity log? What are the things that you need to tackle to be as creative as you would like?

Rowena's Planner, Handmade, Now With Stamping!

Rowena's Planner

graph paper, thread, inks and stamps

Here I am making a planner. Why don't I just buy one? Because making one helps me focus my head, and I can never find one that fits my needs. This is twelve sheets of graph paper folded in half, pierced along the fold with six holes (I used a small nail or push pin) and then sewn together with a piece of cereal box cardboard for the cover.

It's not pretty, but I have plans for it, and I needed the cover to be slightly stiff without being rigid. I am not done with this project in the slightest.

Once I put my book together I took out my stamps and started stamping. I love my letter stamp... you see it at the top of the picture. I am stamping the days of the week at the top of the planner. Then I decorate with the other stamps that I carve. This one has leaf green raindrops underneath the pink planning area. I figure I can write ideas and projects right over top of the stamping. 

What? Those stamps don't look familiar? They're not. I MADE THEM! And I made them exactly to my needs. I wanted a stamp to be the size and shape for daily planning. So I cut one. Then I wanted it to have lines... so I carved them. I'm making it just the way I want to and I'm allowing myself to be inspired by my whim, imagination and desire. To tell the truth, I'm getting a little heady with it all... such freedom!

 This was the first one I did. I used a date stamp at the top for each day, but I kind of think that's messy. I probably won't on the next pages I do. It's a learning process, learning how to use the stamps, and figuring out what I need to have on my planner page and what works. This whole page is not my favorite... although I do like the the polka dots around the edge. By the way, polka dots? Just a plain pencil eraser. I am giddy with the cute.

I already have more stamps and more pages. This stamp making and using is THAT addictive. I'll have to show you better pictures of what I've become addicted to. I'm also learning how to carve. It's a skill and I am still learning how to work the carving tools and the stamp block. I should probably try to go a little bit bigger, instead of the mini stamps I keep going for. It's easier to do it larger.

Hopefully I'll have time tomorrow to post what I've done, but I have some Easter projects to do and I am always doubtful about my time to accomplish everything. Boy. I need a planner to organize me.

Oh! Hey! ;)

Do It Yourself Kindle Cover from a Vintage Book

Hello. I am a kindle.

A what? You don't look like no kindle to me. You look like a book with a pretty cover. A kindle is flash and dazzle. You belong next to a cup of tea and a rocking chair.

Yes, it's true, I am dressed like a lady, but on the inside, I have the soul of a Star Trek episode.

Take a look. But be gentle, remember, I'm a lady.

No, really. I got a kindle for Christmas and then I realized I needed something so that I could carry it around. Could I have bought something off of Amazon? Yes, but I didn't want to. I am categorically opposed to buying something when I can make it instead. It doesn't always make sense, but there it is.

I don't have  tutorial for this, because it was kind of experimental, and I combined a bunch of different online tutorials to make it, but I'll tell you how I did it. 

First, I found a book that was a good size for my kindle. It was quite a few inches larger than the kindle, and that was fine with me. 

Then I removed the pages from the binding by slicing carefully along the inside spine, with an xacto knife. Be careful you don't cut through the binding. I did a little, but knew I'd be covering it with fabric, so it would be ok. This book was also an old canvas covered book, not paper covered, so I think it was a  little stronger. I got the inspiration and some instructions for repurposing a book from this tutorial. However, I didn't have all the supplies she did, and I am still intimidated by my sewing machine so I knew I'd prefer to sew by hand so I worked out my own details.

 First, I didn't like the cover of my book very much, so I decided to cover it.

 I picked out my fabric, this is some upholstery remnant that I thought was pretty. At this point, I simply covered the book with the fabric, the same as you might cover an old text book, but I glued it down.

I placed the book on the reversed fabric and cut it out to size, so that there would be about two inches all the way around the book. Then I covered the book, back and front with glue and pressed it down on the reversed fabric, carefully in the center. I smoothed out any wrinkles or bubbles and then turned the book over onto the inside.

At this point I cut off the corners of the fabric at an angle so that they were no longer square, so when I folded it over it wouldn't be too bulky. I put more glue on the inside edges of the book and folded the edges over, smoothing down the glue as I went. I used elmers white glue, thinned slightly with water, for this part. I think a spray fixative might work even better, but it definitely should be a thin film of glue so it adheres evenly and smoothly with no lumps of glue. 

I used this tutorial here to help me cover my book with fabric, except as I'd already cut out the pages, it was simpler to cover the spine area. I had no pages to work around.

 The inside portion was tricky. This is where I kind of figured it out as I went along.

I didn't have elastic or velcro or anything that other people used to hold their kindle in place, so I kind of took my inspiration from photo corners, like in old style photo albums. But how was I going to fasten my corners to my book cover?

In the end, I decided to cover the inside with a pretty felt that matched my fabric and to sew my kindle corners onto that felt before I glued it down. So I cut some triangles out of more felt in a contrasting color, also matching the fabric. There is a trick here. You do not want to cut out right triangles, because right triangles sewn onto a right angle will make a flat pocket but a kindle is about a half inch thick, and you need to make a three dimensional pocket so the kindle can fit in it. So cut the triangles to a wider angle. Test them against the edge of your book to make sure they will pop up enough. They shouldn't be TOO wide, because there will be some give. Also note that the whole set up is still larger than the kindle. About a half inch on each side. The kindle has room to slide around a bit, but does not fall out. My triangles are big enough for the extra room to not be a problem. They also leave room for the buttons and the usb jack, which I can use without removing the kindle from the cover. Pin the corners down and test the kindle out for all of this before you sew anything.

When I finished sewing my felt corners onto my felt lining (I used a blanket stitch for most of it) I glued the felt down to the inside of the book cover, firmly, using fabric glue. Hot glue would also work. And then it was done. It was a bit time consuming, but once I worked it all out, it didn't turn out to be that difficult. To be honest, my glue might not have been the best glue, because the corners do actually pop up from the book, but the center is firm and I have not had a problem with it.

Some day, I'll make another one using better glue and then I'll take pictures for a real tutorial.

I'm not even sure what lesson I can learn from doing this kindle, except to say that sometimes it's fun to figure things out on your own. I am very satisfied with how I made this. I didn't use the methods that everyone else used, and I went old school instead of newfangled, and it turned out far better than I expected.  There is a satisfaction in doing something by hand, also, that is quite remarkable.

"I could let you out, you know" or Prayer for Freedom

"I could let you out, you know" or Prayer for Freedom

ink and acrylic paint on vintage book page, 7 1/4" x 4 3/4"

52/100 in 100 days creative challenge

I like this feather. Feathers are pretty.

When this page fell out of my Alice in Wonderland book, and I read the words on it (which I often do when trying to come up with a drawing for the page) the image that popped into my head was a feather. Just a feather. And the concept of freedom.

I could go on about what freedom means and the heavy weight of American freedom, history, politics, poverty and slavery. But I won't.

I'm going simply leave it to the feather to speak to freedom.

It's small. It's light. It's miracle of nature. It's beautiful.

And there was one floating around my house, I knew. The kids brought it in. I ran around trying to find it and it was nowhere to be found.

Here I was, desperate for that feather so I could draw it, and I'd just seen it. I wanted to catch the inspiration while I still had the idea. But it was gone.

For a day, I kept the page to the side, hoping to find that feather.

In the end, I found a picture of a feather on line and used that for my drawing.

I keep trying to make this post one that is very deep and heavy, one about not being tied to our previous concepts, or being responsible for what we do with our freedom.

But instead, I'm just going to think of a feather floating on the wind. Or perhaps the bird which that feather came from, flying through the air, heading out for the horizon.

"it suddenly appeared again," or Prayer for Rebirth

"it suddenly appeared again," or Prayer for Rebirth

Ink and Acrylic Paint on Vintage Book Page

31/100 in 100 days Creative Challenge

I am about 2 or 3 weeks behind in my self imposed create 100 works of art in 100 days challenge. Of course that's not so bad, considering I started about 2 or 3 weeks behind the arbitrary date of starting. I didn't pick the date. Well, actually I did. It's the date of last year's challenge. So this is the Second Annual 100 in 100 days challenge. I find myself much more casual about it this year than last year. But then, at the same time, I am also far more experimental than I was last year. Last year, it was pretty much painting the whole time. This year I'm doing paint, ink, paper, wood, paperclay, fabric, polymer clay, photography.... I think I might even include some home decor in this.Well, if I actually do something to an object, not just rearrange a room, but paint something or turn a cardboard box into a wastepaper basket. Don't scoff. I have it in the plans.

I suppose I am looking into making creativity an integrated part of my life, and working on lowering the pressure I put on myself to produce and produce.

And when you really think about it, painting pictures is awesome and fun and wonderful and all that, but what is the real benefit of being creative? Where do we get the most out of being creative? It's not the object that we finish that is the most valuable (although I know that art is actually a commodity, but let's not go in that direction right now) it the journey we are on to create the piece that really enriches our lives.

The other day, my 13 year old babysitter looked at a painting I was working on and was amazed. She didn't know how I could do it. She asked how long it had taken and I told her a couple of hours. She said it would have taken her months. And then I answered, "Well, it took me 39 years and a couple of hours." Because every little work of creativity we engage in is a product of the whole entirety of our lives. The years of study, all the experiences, the reading, the practice, the experimentation. And when you really think about it, each piece of work we do also changes us in ways, from the subtle to the profound. So not only does creativity come out of our lives, but the process of creating in turn transforms us.

This one above? I took another step in my struggle against perfectionism. I almost gave this one up for crap because I just didn't like it. But when I put it away, and then later looked at it in relation to the whole body of these Prayer Paintings, I saw how it could complete the collection, add another layer, reinforce prior thoughts. Then again, maybe this piece is teaching me the value of the process (I learn this lesson all the time) or to look at a piece not only for what is on the page, but also for it's relation to the rest of my life, the rest of my work.

Isn't that more important than the perfection of one little piece? Isn't it more important to see the whole flow of experience and understanding and creativity? Isn't it more important to go on the journey. The art itself might just be a wonderful byproduct.

Three Mixed Media Drawings, A Creative Evening

"Who are you?" or Prayer for a Butterfly

Ink, Watercolor Pencil and Acrylic Paint on antique book page.

26/100in 100 creative challenge, 6/30/10

Yesterday I came down with a cold and moped around all day feeling exhausted and blue.

However, the night before that, I had a little creative engine going. I watched my So You Think You Can Dance, and I watched my Work of Art Bravo show, and I sat there and made art all night long until my hands ached and my back complained.

Now, granted, I shouldn't have kept it up until my body creaked, but it felt good to create. This was one of my favorite pieces from last night.

It's based on a self portrait I did a little while ago, but this time on the old Wonderland papers. I don't know why I chose to do this, but I just know it felt right. And the shirt was crying out for this scalloped peacock like pattern. So that's what I did. The title comes directly from the text on the page.

This isn't the same kind of botanical inspiration as I've been doing, but perhaps that's where the scallops comes in. It references back to the botanical feel.

A Little Girl, or Prayer for Becoming

Ink, Watercolor Pencil and Acrylic Paint on Book Page

25/100

I did this one first, also inspired by a photo I took of myself. I don't know what my intention was, I just had the urge to draw the silhouette. Again the words came from the text. Oh, Alice and her strange adventures.

Actually, with this one, I added the floral pattern after I did the previous drawing. Maybe this one should have a later number. Oh well. But yes, the floral pattern was inspired by the scallop pattern. Except, oddly, I reversed the colors and used brown for the scallop design and blue for the inside. It completely changed the feel of the pattern. Isn't that interesting? I think I like the blue design with brown inside better, but hey, there is the magic of color and pattern, I guess. Plus, scallops in a circle look like dahlias.

A Moment of Silence, or Prayer for Contentment

acrylic paint and watercolor pencil on vintage book page

24/100 in 100 creative challenge 6/30/10

This is the first painting/drawing I did on my busy night. It is not my favorite, perhaps that is why I almost did not show it, but I know where the inspiration came from. This is something like what I saw this morning when I took my shower. It's the pattern of water droplets on the shower curtain with the light coming through them.

Like I said, this is not my favorite piece, but I look at it and see where the inspiration for the scallops in blue and brown and white came from.

The creative process is interesting. Sitting down and doing a bunch of work is also interesting. It's like there is a visual document of your thought processes. Or maybe it's not all about thought. Maybe it's about the subconscious. Or feelings. Or just the mysterious connection of random memories, observations, and physical realities.

I don't know what it is. But here it is.

I recommend a creative session for everyone. All it takes is some time without other commitments and you, surrounded by art supplies, unfinished projects and lists of things you want to create, something fun and not too engrossing on the television or stereo, and the time and space to create whatever comes to mind.

Cosmos, or Prayer for Hope

Cosmos, or Prayer for Hope

Ink on Antique Book Page,

22/100 in 100 creative challenge

I am so very busy. In fact, I should be painting right now, a gift, you see, for S, whose birthday is today. I am late with the birthday present. I am behind on everything, right now, it seems, always rushing to catch up with myself.

I'm pretty sure it comes from that "need" I have to be better than I am, more productive, farther along, perfecter.

Heh heh.

I made up a word. Did you catch that?

Well you see, I've given up on being perfecter. I've given up on being perfect. When I realize I am trying to be perfect, or at least, anxious because I can't be perfect, I have to remember something. I am not perfect. No one is perfect. There is no way to be perfect. And I am just fine the way I am.

I'd like to be calmer and more together, but you know what? I don't think it will do me any good to wait around to that perfecter time when I can finally do the things I want to do.

In fact, not only will it not do me any good to wait around, it will actually make it all harder and make me less able to do what I want to do, because I get all wound up and twisted around and I can't get anything done anyway.

So today, I stapled the kids circus curtain to their closet. Yes. Stapled. If it pulls out, I'll staple it again (it looks great). And I took their too big dresser out of their room, although I didn't have time to transfer the smaller one in there before bed(it'll do for now). I rearranged the livingroom so that I wasn't squooshed on my desk in the corner, even though I wasn't sure it would turn out right (it's still up in the air). I threw ingredients in a pan and stuck it in the oven hoping that it would be tasty (it was).

Wait.

What was that word? Hoping?

I think the first step to being the bestest, happiest you is to have hope.

You have to believe that things can work out. You have to hope that you can handle everything you need to handle. You have to trust that even if you can't handle everything, it won't be the end of the world, and if it is, trust that there will be someone there to help you out, have faith that there will be a soft place to land, so that you can build your strength up again until you can do it all over again.

Hope.

It's how anything is done.

Yes, or Prayer for the Abundant Heart

Yes, or Prayer for the Abundant Heart

21/100 in 100 creative challenge

I am doing lots of drawing lately. I did this one after having a "discussion" with S. Sometimes things have to get a little painful in order for us to open up and let go of the anger. Sometimes we have to dig old things up to allow room for good things to grow.

When I started it, I didn't know where it was going, although I was inspired by some anatomical hearts on line, but this is where it went.

Sometimes I don't draw at all, actually, so busy with life and kids and being tired or, you know, needing more sleep.

Sometimes I am doing small sketches, like the below plan for decorating my kids' bedroom.

Bedroom Carnival plans

18/100

I am going to put up those damn striped curtains if it kills me... which it might, just patience wise, because I never seem to have the time or tools to do it. And the pennant? I have plans for creating that out of old second hand tshirts. I can't bear to waste all that good cloth, but I think the colors would make the perfect pennant. And perhaps I can add some details with paint, or use the decorations on the tshirts for embellishments... particularly when it comes to the girl side of the room. You know they always add embellishments to girl's clothes. Why not use them when the tshirts are too small. But again, I've been so busy (or perhaps it's lazy) that I haven't gotten these done.
Common Mandala

19/100 in 100 challenge

This one was done... well, at work. It's on a napkin and following the logo of the restaurant.

One side of me argues that this doesn't count as art. It's on a napkin, for gosh sake. But then the other side of me argues that I started this challenge planning to count ALL the art I did, not just a certain kind of art that I considered "good enough" to be "real art."

Slow Day

20/100

I have a real problem with this "not good enough to count" thing. I don't know where it came from, but I have a tendency to devalue what I do, what I can do. Because it is easy for me, or because I do it all the time, it isn't really serious work. It isn't important. It isn't valuable.

The odd thing is that I can evaluate it as decent work. A pretty design or a good sketch I can see, but there's something else about the quality that I still declare as not good enough.

Somehow, I think there is some sort of authority somewhere that says YES to the "real artists (or writers or whatever)" and I have never gotten that YES. But I might actually have gotten that YES (or those yesses, maybe it's not just one authority) but I don't listen to the YES that I get. So even after the YES I still don't think I'm good enough.

I roll my eyes at myself when I get like this, and then I beat up on myself for being such an idiot. I should be able to have confidence in my work, or in myself. And then I think about how I should be farther along than I am. Or I should be braver. Or I should work harder. Or I should have started sooner. Or I should take more chances. Or I should dedicate more time to this or that.

But here's the thing.

I am good enough. I am worth it. I am where I am supposed to be. I am finding my way in this world while also raising kids and working part time and keeping house and maintaining relationships. There's a reason why I am not as far along as I think I should be. It's because I am in the midst of living it all.

So perhaps this challenge of counting all my art as art is really what I need for my life challenge of valuing all the different things that I am doing on a daily basis. Or valuing all the different parts of myself, no matter who has or has not validated me. I validate me.

Are you looking for something outside of yourself to validate you? Are you waiting to be good enough to count? Why?

Wilted, or End of Day Prayer

Wilted, or End of Day Prayer

pen and acrylic paint on antique book page

13/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/22/10

This is a drawing of wilted, dying roses, inspired by this photo on Cakies. I was inspired by the wrinkled lushness of the petals laying on top of each other, as well as the teal background.

What that did was induce me to pick up my paints again.

I really do love the sensual pleasure of paintbrush on paper or canvas. I forget about that until I start painting, and then I can't stop.

Well, I did stop, but still, maybe it will make me more likely to pick up the paints again. I do kind of like the limited palette of the series of prayer paintings I'm doing, but then again, I happen to love blue and the whole neutral color, black, white and blue color scheme has definitely been on my mind lately.

What I'd really like to do is find a way to display these things without damaging them.

Maybe what I need to do is string up some line and get some clothes pins or bull dog clips and have a rotating collection of my art.

When I figure it out, I'll post a picture.

As to the Wilted theme. That's how I feel often at the end of day. But I am trying to keep myself just from collapsing. I am trying to get more productive once the kids go to sleep, without adding to the stress and anxiety. Things like fresh strawberry margaritas may help. Or listening to classic jazz. Or watching sweeping movies on tv. Or picking up a paintbrush.

Chorus, or Dandelion Prayer

Chorus, or Dandelion Prayer

ink and watercolor pencil on vintage book page

12/100 in 100 creative challenge 6/20/10

I only have a few moments before work today. Here's another drawing. More hands. More botanical. I like this one.

The dandelion was a gift from my kids.

The hand is that thing I always carry with me and is useful for picking up stuff and making stuff. I like to draw my hand. It's the right hand, since I write with my left hand. A useful hand. And I'm using a contour line, which I always love to loosen up when I draw. I love it as a way to mark my life. A way to depict the world around me.

I tried to make the border more intricate, with a kind of floral negative line inside the boundary, but it was too fussy, and when I colored it in, it looked so much better.

Yesterday, I didn't draw anything at all.

Not true. I drew a circle. It's staring at me as I write this, round and empty.

It's wondering what I will fill it with.

I'm wondering if I have time this morning to fill it.

Prayers for the Unkempt Garden

Herbal, or Botanical Prayer
ink and watercolor pencil on vintage book page (Alice in Wonderland)
10/100 in 100 Creative Challenge. 6/19/10

My days of drawing in ink on my old Alice in Wonderland continue.

I have to say, I enjoy the prayer like aspect of it. Very much. I keep wanting to take my book with me, like to the grocery store, or when I dropped my almost 5 year old off at the week long preview of kindergarten. (Yes that's right, he's off on his first flight without mama. Can't wait to hear about his adventure.)

I do a little in the morning before work. I do a little at night in front of the tv. I sit on the deck in the sun and draw, while the kids meet neighborhood cats and dogs, after picking blackcap raspberries in our new yard.

Here I've drawn the spindly basil that I bought but haven't had the opportunity to plant into the container herb garden I am planning for the back deck. I've decided to stick to containers, because a whole yard intimidates me, and besides, the deck really is the sunniest spot in my yard surrounded with pines and maples and cottonwoods and mulberry trees.

I am surrounded by plants. And they are really seeping into my soul, I think. This is a very lush land, almost as lush as Florida, but cool. I wouldn't be surprised if bugs started showing up, too... this is a land of bugs, too. Something my budding kindergardner loves.

Also on this drawing is a sketch inspired by/copied loosely from the cover of my old Alice in Wonderland book.




Do you see it there in the gold? I am trying to resist adding gold to my little prayer/drawings. Maybe I shouldn't resist. Don't be surprised if gold starts showing up. I still feel a little guilty about breaking up this book, but it was already well loved when I got it. Already had been sketched in by children, so I just went with it. And it has served as so much inspiration and creation to me, I think it was worth it that this old lady has sacrificed herself for my art. She is still loved, just in a different incarnation.

Not only loved, but she is helping me learn to love my own life, as it comes, imperfect and messy.

No Day But To Day, or Sun Prayer
ink on vintage book page
11/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/19/10

Here is another drawing I did on the day of blackcap raspberries and neighborhood pets. That night I sat down to draw, not knowing what I was doing, but feeling the need to draw a sun, the sun the shines down on us and helps us grow, gives us energy, feeds us, allows us to live. Us, everything, everyone, life on Earth.

What a wonderful sun. What a wonderful world where a design made decades ago can inspire something wild, something precious. This drawing here is still influenced by the front cover, but it's wilder, no longer symmetrical, a little ugly. But while I was drawing it, the song from Rent kept going through my head, and so did memories of picking raspberries, and getting bit by mosquitoes, and the taste of cold iced coffee in the hot sun, and music floating on a summer breeze, and the flickering shade of tall trees. And you know what?

I felt a little bit of the weedy unkempt garden within me begin to bloom. And it was beautiful. And it was sweet. And it was tart. And it prickled me when I moved wrong. And it was life.

Bloom, or A Prayer In My Hand

Bloom, or A Prayer in My Hand
Ink on Vintage Book Page (Alice in Wonderland)
9/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/18/10

I think I've found something in these Wonderland drawings. Like yesterday, I realize that this is a type of prayer. The detail of the drawings, the attention paid to the inking... I like that you can see the pen strokes. I don't want it to feel like a computer did this. I want a viewer to be able to see the work that has gone into this, the touch of the hand.

This is not the first time that I have done these hand outlines. More than once in the past couple of decades, I have turned to the hand outlines when I did not know what to create. Something about putting the image on the paper means I am free to explore whatever I can do with it. So much more comforting than the blank page. A place to start. A boundary within which to create.

More than that, these hands represent to me personal agency. This is MY hand. My hand was laid on the page. I traced the very outline. There was direct skin to paper contact. This is MY hand. I make this. It is within my control, my power to create these drawings. And more than that, it is within my power to create the kind of life I want to live.

Whenever I start to feel up in the air and a little bit lost with where I am going and who I am, doing a few of these hand drawings/paintings grounds me. Allows me to remember that my life is within my control.

This one here? This one is about abundance. I think I will be doing a whole series about abundance, actually. I am beginning to imagine them fastened casually to the wall in a type of installation. I am a bit worried that they might get a little worn like that, but, just like the hand pressed to the page, I like the immediacy of just tacking them to the wall. I don't want a barrier of a frame and mat and glass. I want them present as an object, not divided by the objectification of a formal frame.

Perhaps I have been watching too much Work of Art. I think I am going to art school or something.

Live This, or A Prayer

Live This, or A Prayer

Ink on Antique Book Page (Alice in Wonderland)

8/100 in 100 Creative Challenge, 6/18/10

I am trying to find my voice.

"WhaaAT?" say you. "Ain't you the girl who has all these Flying Girls floating around the internet?"

Why yes, yes I am, and yet still, I am searching for my voice.

I mean, I have a voice. I have been singing out loud for many years now, writing, drawing, painting, teaching, creating things, standing my ground. And yet, sometimes I feel as if there is more to discover.

I have no answers. I have no definitive description of my voice. And maybe this is good. It's possible when we have "figured out" who we are, we become landlocked in our own understanding of ourselves, and stop growing.

I go through periods where I explore certain things. I think Flying Girl lasted more than a year. That's pretty intense. And even now, she pops up without much conscious thought. She's still part of who I am. She is still part of my vocabulary. She shows up in different media. And the different media end up becoming part of my vocabulary.

Hmm. What if Flying Girl is actually my way into the new explorations. A kind of rosetta stone that can open up new languages in my creativity? That makes her pretty valuable.

This drawing, for example. No. There's no Flying Girl, not yet, but don't count her out. Actually, this drawing is pulling on an older language in my art. The doodles. The flowers. The houses. I really want the houses to come back, but I am looking for their way in. I just haven't found it yet. But I am liking the doodles/botanical inspiration.

To tell you the truth, drawing these is almost like meditation. It's kind of nice. I forget about that aspect of art sometimes. I forget how close to spirituality my art feels sometimes. I don't know if anyone else gets that when I they look at my work, but for me, art is near to my religion. My mixed up, made up, anti establishment, personally created spirituality/religion.

This piece here... this is like a prayer.

Tell Me A Story, or Alice of the Flying Birds

Tell Me A Story, or Alice of the Flying Birds
Golden Fluid Acrylic and Prismacolor Watercolor Pencil on vintage Alice in Wonderland Page
11/27/09

I've been busy. Finishing my nanowrimo word count... woohoo! We have achieved 50k! But we are not done with the story, so I will try to continue my writing routines.

For the first time, I don't really feel all that burnt out by nanowrimo. I only wrote once a day for an hour or two or so. I didn't push to write all the time. I just tried to get it done in the morning when I first got up. It wasn't always possible, due to the other people in my life, but I tried and mostly succeeded. Good enough, since I reached my goal. Now I feel the urge to finish this story, and even to get it out there into the world.

Isn't that interesting?

Always before, I just wanted to put the nano book away and do something else.

Slow and steady wins the race, maybe?

The race being being a writer. One who writes consistently, not just one month out of the year.

It's funny, I didn't mean to go in this direction with this post. I was thinking it might be nice to do a thankful post, since I missed it on Thanksgiving, but to tell you the truth, my head is in my story. It is in writing.

Which is maybe why I picked the line "tell us a story" out of the text. Trust me, it's there, even if it is painted over.

So I'm going with the flow.

Tell me, what story is in you that wants to come out?

Melancholy Flying Girl, or Poor Lonely Alice Misses Her Dinah

Melancholy Flying Girl, or Poor Lonely Alice Misses Her Dinah

Golden Fluid Acrylic and Prismacolor Watercolor Pencil on vintage Alice in Wonderland page

11/24/09

Oh I was busy busy today. Frantic with stuffety stuff to do and too much coffee. I am only one writing session away from winning nanowrimo this year, although a week or two away from finishing the book, if I keep up with this pace. Thanksgiving is on Thursday along with the plans and cooking and cleaning and shopping that go along with it. I'm thinking about Christmas coming, and about New York.

When I finished my morning work and the girl settled into her nap and the afternoon slowly passed, I realized I had no post for today. And no painting, either.

I said to the boy, "shall I just pick a book page and go from there?"

I think the boy was watching Little Bear, so didn't do much answering, but my self thought it was a good idea. I opened my old Alice in Wonderland and this is the page I landed on. Poor Alice, lonely for her cat, the best cat in the world, whom no one in this strange land seems to understand. I guess it's hard to be on these journeys sometimes, as you are away from loved and familiar people, friends, and surroundings.

Oh well. There's no way but to go through these strange wonderlands, and see who you are when you come out the otherside.

Flying Girl Sings a Song, or Beautiful Beautiful

Flying Girl Sings a Song, or Beautiful Beautiful
Golden Fluid Acrylic and Pitt Artist Pen on vintage Alice in Wonderland book page
11/23/09

I have no answers right now.

I guess that's good enough.

We don't need answers all the time. Sometimes all we need is to pay attention to what's around us. We can get the answers together when the questions are presented.

Okay, I have lots of questions, but the time for answers hasn't quite happened yet.

In the mean time, here I am in this life. And this life, if you pay attention, is beautiful.

Beautiful, beautiful.


This Alice Flying Girl is based on the text that I all but covered up. There's a song. It is about Beautiful soup. Beautiful beautiful soup. I'm not that enamored of green soup, but I figure the soup of life is pretty beautiful, too. So that's where I went.

What is your beautiful soup made of?

Oh, and meanwhile on top of everything else in my messy life, I saw New Moon with my brother and Sister in law, tried out Beatles Rock Band on whatever that game station is, (it was fun, and I can't play drums), had icecream cones and watched my daughter be a ballerina, and my son be a CANONBALL!!!!!

I also spent this weekend setting up a guest post over at Magpie Girl's place. She's awesome. Check her out.

And I relisted and/or listed a bunch of new original paintings and prints that I've done over the past few months. Still have more to come. So if you want to check out what's available, pop on over to etsy. Maybe one of your blog favorites is up.

My Life: The Teacher, and Some Goals So I Can Keep Moving

Chapter 15: The Teacher

When I did this chapter, back in 2003, I was only a few months out of teaching. I'd quit teaching to follow my art. I could easily have made this chapter about being an actual teacher, which I had loved, mostly.

But I didn't.

No, this chapter became about the ups and downs of life. The shadows and the light. The rollercoaster. The ferris wheel. The ups and downs. The carnival. The wheel of fate.

This chapter became about Life being The Teacher.

How do we learn?? Truly? By living life and taking the lumps and learning the lessons of our mistakes and clawing our way back up when we are down and understanding the heights are only temporary, only just another part of the whirling, twirling ride of life.

In all honestly, I am probably in a low spot in life. It contracts and I draw back, open up smaller doors to let in the light needed.

There's something to say for contracting, making your goals smaller, letting things go. There's something to say for reassessing what is really important and what you really want your life to be about.

So here I am, on the wheel at it's bottom... but, you know, I do have faith that it will be going up soon. I mean, maybe it's stalled out a little, but I have faith, any minute, it could start rising. Or maybe it already has, and I don't notice because the movement is so slow and I am only seeing the lack of altitude.

What can I focus on right now? Well, what I can do right now.

In fact, I am going to write out my goals for November.

1. Write 50k (or more) words in my Urban Fantasy novel for nanowrimo. (I am at 3256 on day 2 1/2)

2. Get back to drawing/painting every day, again. (I think I found a way in. I think I'm going to paint/draw works that are inspired by quotes. I'm looking for inspiration, looking for hope, looking for focus, and wise words from the world's philosophers, writers, artists will help me, I think.)

3. Try to maintain my shop a little better. I've been slacking due to life being uncooperative, but I think I can get some more stuff in there, if I focus.

4. Finish my chapter on Intuitive Painting and Journaling

Hey. I'm going to limit my goals to three. My daily living and my childcare issues are separate. And they take a lot of my time and energy. Although, come to think of it, I am going to add some personal goals to my professional/creative goals above. So...

5. Potty train the girl. I think she's getting close. She never used to pee on the potty but now she is complaining about the diaper. If I can get her to WANT to use the diaper, then I've gotten somewhere.

6. Take care of myself. Make sure I have time to relax. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Take my vitamins.

So there it is. Small goals. Or big ones, but only a few of them.

I think in order to fit those things in, I have to have a schedule.

It might go something like this.

7-8 wake up. Set kids up with Dora and breakfast and write in silence for one to two hours. Get basic minimum word count.

9-10ish play with kids, snacks. Online.

around 11:30 lunch for kids and blog.

12noon to 1: maybe some drawing, reading while kids play outside or watch tv (tv is my babysitter. it may be bad mothering, but it's the only way I get time to work)

1: girl naps. boy watches a movie and/or plays quietly. Write chapter. Or perhaps this is where I get the shop updated. Perhaps I alternate days for this. One day on the chapter, one day on the shop. Or perhaps there's time there for getting writing done.

4pm: girl wakes up, I make dinner.

5pm dinner.

6pm playing, relaxing, reading, whatever

7-8 bedtime.

8pm primetime tv for me. but IF THERE'S NOTHING ON I should just write. After my shows, write.

11pm. Bedtime. I don't know if I can do this, but maybe. I've been having some trouble sleeping, so lets see.

Well, I'm going to work on this goal list and on this schedule. If I alternate days and stick to the schedule instead of goofing off, I should be able to manage something.

Be Do Have

Williamsburg, Brooklyn: A Journey/Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson
An Altered Book, mixed media, 2003

Chapter 13: The Thinker

I have a history of thinking too much. Of getting wrapped up in my thinking and not taking action.

I've been working on it for years, now.


I like this chapter. The white on black. The simplicity.

Be. Do. Am. It says. There's another saying. Be. Do. Have. The concept is that in order to achieve your dreams, you have to Be them first. Whatever you want to have in your life, you have to Be it. You want happiness? Be happy. You want abundance. Be abundant. You want to be a writer? Be a writer.

First the transformation happens in the head. The thoughts. Then you take steps. You do the things that come out of the happiness, abundance, writerliness. You play or offer thanks for what you have or, well, write.

Then after you embody the dream (Be) and after you take action on the dream (Do) then you finally get the results you wanted. You will have the happy life. You will have the wealth. You will have the three book deal with the major publishing company.

Sometimes, we get confused and think we have to HAVE the things before we can live the life we want. Have the perfect job, or the finished novel that's already inside our heads, or life perfect and serene which will bring happiness. But no, we don't reach our dreams by having stuff. We reach our dreams by accepting them inside ourselves and then moving forward from that secure place.

This month I am living into my dream of BEing a writer, by making room for it in my life. I am writing, 2000 words a day if things go my way, word by word, every session I can step away from the madness of a 2 and 4 year old. And maybe, when this draft is done, and I have the solid manuscript in my hand, then I can go on to the next step of this dream of mine.

Believing that I have what it takes to be a novelist. Being a novelist. Researching the agents, sending out queries, taking steps out into the world. Then, then after Being the novelist, and Doing what the novelist needs to do, I will have the publishing contract, and the books in the stores. Yes.

Honestly, that's always where I've been stopped before.

I've never really believed that I deserved it. I stall out. I get scared. I self sabotage.

In truth, I don't see how any of us can reach our dreams if we don't exist in them first. Be Do Have.

Oh, and a little luck never hurt anyone, either.

nanowrimo total: 3444 words. Day 1 1/2