Write. Just Do It.

Write, or Pink Smith Corona

To reach your dream, you have to make a commitment, a real, solid, painful commitment, much like a marriage. It's a better or worse kind of scenario. It's the kind of commitment where you forsake all others, and give up other things to stay true to the dream. If for instance, you dream of being a writer, you may think only of the wild and alive story that you have brought into the world, the glories of publishing, the swagger of being that writer with the pen in hand and the journal, sitting at the cafe like some Parisian bohemian, drinking strong black coffee and pouring his soul out onto the page. But being a writer is often a lot uglier than that. It's struggling with the days when the words don't come. It's a deadly dull day job or grinding financial struggle. It's rejection letters. It's fear and insecurity. It's isolating. It's the hundreds of pages that you have to delete because you were just going down the wrong track. It's your laptop dying when you didn't save, when you had finally figured it out, and were *that* close to the masterpiece of your dreams. It's that moment when you say, "Forget it. I give up. It's too hard."

A lot of the time, when we think about our dreams, we only see the hilights, the pretty pictures, the golden light streaming through the windows and the joy of achieving what you have worked for all that time.

But the truth is, dreams are hard work and they have shadows, too. They are full of struggles, confusion, failure, drudgery, dust bunnies, neglected children, neglected health, being broke, lonely days, detours, breakdowns of many varieties, long stretches of silence, block and giving up.

But if this dream is really your dream, if you love the journey, not just the idea of accomplishment, if you love the work, then trust yourself, trust that when you come back, your dream will be waiting for you and you can climb your way back onto the path. But, it's hard. Don't think it will be easy. If you really want this, and you have lost your way, you will have to claw your way back, regain the ground that you lost inch by inch. But believe in your dream and believe in yourself, because it's that belief that makes the dream possible, even when it seems like it isn't.

PS  This is my 1000th post. I think that is why I've had such a bloggers block this year. I knew this momentous post was coming up and I wanted to make it a landmark, important. I made the stakes too high and it kept me from writing. One Thousand blog posts. ONE THOUSAND. Even thinking about it kind of blows my mind. So perhaps, instead of making this a special post, I will just quietly go back to writing my blog, one post at a time, the way I wrote every one of those thousand entries, without trying to make it momentous. Maybe I'll reward myself with a new sweater. Or a cake. Cake is good.

PPS I'm also doing nanowrimo this year. Is anyone else taking the challenge? I am rosymamacita over on nanowrimo if you want to buddy up.

PPPS I have prints of Write or Pink Smith Corona up for sale in my shop. You notice it says "Write" not, "Hey, why don't you think about writing and avoid the blank page until you are absolutely 100% sure you have it all perfectly down and will not make any mistakes and really really know what you're doing and are totally confident and the circumstances are just perfect and you're not tired or stressed out or don't have to go deep clean the kitchen." Just write. Do it.

PPPPS Yay me for sitting down and writing this blog entry instead of just thinking about it for more weeks on end. 

My Writer's Space

Bedroom writing space

It's not an office, it's not a writing room, but it is a little space in the bedroom with a little table, a rocking chair, nice light, and a pretty flower.

It turns out I'm not the only one who likes to write in my bedroom. Look at this post from apartmenttherapy, writers' bedrooms. If it was good enough for Emily Dickinson, it's good enough for me.

Or at least we'll try it out and see if it works. It's part of my goal of finishing my book and sending it out, the very easiest, first step I can take towards getting back to revising. I'm also getting together all my files so that I will know where everything I've already done is, and I can figure out exactly what I need to do next. I think there is a first chapter that I need to print out.

Oh, I know this seems like an awfully small first step here... actually, writing down my mind map is the first step. It put on paper some of the things I was mulling over in my head, without ever taking action. So, yes. These are two small steps...in fact, add another one-- I took a book out of the library called The First Five Pages, A Writer's Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile, by Noah Lukeman. Ok, that's three small steps. After months of totally ignoring this novel.

I haven't started yet-- wait, add another small step. I just threw together a portable file box, so that I can bring my work with me, wherever I choose to write. (I have to be flexible when I'm watching kids. They're a lot more independent than they used to be, but still.) So four baby steps... and I am actively thinking about writing. Actively taking action on my goals. None of these baby steps seem like much. They are easy to accomplish when you break them down and they are no longer intimidating.

I'm going to keep going with my baby steps and see how far that gets me in my goals. See how long I can keep it up. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for getting back to business. And it all started with my fun little arts and crafts projects. Full disclosure here... I already know that in order for me to be productive again after a fallow period, I have to futz around with lists and planners and doodles. So in that case, even the act of making stamps and binding planner books was part of my baby steps towards my eventual goals.

It's good to have those clear goals to aim for, just make sure you are actually taking action on them, no matter how small that action seems.

A Day In My Life, 10/10/10

First Picture, Still Sleeping

Holy Cannoli! I have a lot of pictures. This is only some of the photos from my day long photo shoot of October 10th, 2010. 10/10/10. There are some more on my flickr account. I don't think there are any duplicates between the two. And there are still more that I haven't published, but could. And there are still more, not uploaded from my camera, that I took after the kids went to bed. Not that many. I was tired and busy editing.

One good side effect to all these pictures is that I finally signed up for flickr pro. Maybe that will entice me to use flickr more effectively.

Anyway, there are so many pictures that I think I will just title them, rather than write about every single one. All photos here were taken on 10/10/10, with my old Casio exilim point and shoot that fits into my pocket.
We Are Wide Awake
Cat Love
Waiting For Coffee
Save Me
I Wuv Fuzzy
Constant Motion
Coffee
Crazy Hair
Escape
Brush
Window
South Street
Go Go Go
Work
I Love Lattes
Home Again
Home
Yard Sunshine
Bedtime Stories

Happy Mother's Day

My Kids' Wildflower Bouquet Gift to Me, in their Papa's Handmade Masking Tape Vase Gift to HIS Mom (approx 40 years ago)

I try not to blog on the weekends, so I can spend time with the kids and also doing the myriad of other mom duties... and non mom duties, but this is a special weekend.

I just wanted to wish all the Mothers out there a happy, happy Mother's Day.

Because of all you do for others, and all you mean to them.

But mostly, just because of you.

(Now you go have an awesome weekend!)

Pear, or Enjoy the Little Things

Pear

pen and paper, 8x5

I don't have a quote from a truly "inspirational" source today... but I did go see Zombieland with my brother yesterday, and although I am zombie phobic (so why did I go see it? I don't know) I am going to take my inspiration from the main character's rules. One of which was

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS.

I figure if this rule is good for a world of zombie apocalypse, it will do for me in the years that my children are barely civilized savages who want to eat what they want when they want it and will scream and run ravening for me if they don't get it. Not too far off from zombies, right?

So here's my drawing of a snack. I'd already eaten the cheese and crackers and decided to draw the pear half through the eating of it.

Enjoy the little things.

Along with enjoying the little blessings, I think it's important to recognize the little accomplishments, the things that don't seem to get you closer to your big goals, but do in fact help your life to work.

I've never been good at this life maintenance stuff, living in my head and painting pictures and writing novels and enjoying life, but losing track of the daily stuff. The dishes in the sink. The bills. The people I should keep in contact with. Paperwork that I should pull together. Even a healthy diet.

It probably means I am not connected to my base chakra, or I am not grounded or perhaps I need a keeper. I don't know, but being the mom of little kids is really challenging my tendency to live in my head.

You just can't do it. They need too much daily care for me to live all in my head.

For instance, yesterday, I lost my whole day of creativity because I had to get some old paperwork of Ivy's straightened out. It took up my writing time and I only ended up writing 777 words all day. The rest of the day it was taking care of the kids and making dinner and cleaning up and just making it through with the lack of sleep that was slightly more than normal as I'd woken up early for the paper work gauntlet. I even kept my movie date with my brother, because, you know? maintaining relationships is also part of this life upkeep.

BUT I decided to accept that the maintenance and paperwork all was part of life and was in fact productive although it didn't seem to get me closer to my goals.

I didn't even write in my novel after I came home from the movies. I watched a DVRed Office episode to get the zombies out of my head and went to sleep early.

This morning, I woke up, not even all that early, and wrote 3000 pages while the kids were watching Dora and the Crystal Palace (thankyou Nick Jr). I made yesterdays wordcount and today's in an hour and a half.

Maybe this will help me remember that life doesn't have to be rigid in its expectations. We can go with the flow, sometimes not being perfectly on top of everything, and in the end, as long as we stay focus on the goal, be just fine.

Feeling A Little Better but Not Well Yet Journals, 94-96

No Nonsense Mom Wear, Friday, September 4, 2009
96/100 in 100 creative challenge
Pen, Pitt Artist Pen, on paper, journal 5x8"

This is what I am wearing today. I thought I was better from the flu, but if you look at this drawing, she doesn't seem quite 100% yet. Those kids in the background? They're doing the monkey dance and the bunny dance and being very loud about it and now my ears are aching. well my head, but it got in through the ears. More recuperating is required. Must take it easy and not pretend I'm not sick.

I got inspired to do this when I discovered this Flickr group dedicated to drawings of What I Wore Today. All I can say, is FUN.

All Year Long My Kids Bring Me Flowers
94/100 in 100 creative challenge, 9/3/09
Watercolor, Acrylic, Pitt Artist Pen and Pen on paper, 5x8" journal

I did this yesterday. Have I ever told you about my hand paintings? I first discovered this trick back when I was recovering from heartbreak in 2001. I wanted to express myself and start painting again, but my head and heart was empty.

So whenever I wanted to make something, I would trace my hand in my journal and allow it all to come out within the journal. I painted them different colors, filled them with words or wordless swirls. I drew in multiple hands or collaged them or painted selfportraits in them. The hands gave me a framework, a script within which to explore what was going on with my head. I developed a kind of visual language for myself by utilizing these hands and it opened up a door for deeper art that I could then step through when I was ready.

Yesterday morning I had nothing to say, so I traced my hand. Flowers came to mind, so I filled it with flowers, weeds, just like the ones my kids give me.

I like the hands. They say that my life is in my own hands. I have the power to create it the way I want it to be.


Waterguns and a Wild Garden...
95/100 in 100 creative challenge, 9/3/09
Watercolor and pen on paper

Then as you can see, my kids wanted to play with waterguns. It gave me the time to paint this. IT's the extra gun. No one wanted the red gun. Don't ask me why. It turned into tantrums and yelling and whining. But it made a fun painting subject. :)

I am enjoying these daily living drawings. I am enjoying being present ish. I am enjoying the simplicity of sketching things I see instead of putting so much meaning into things. And you can see they are quicker than the paintings I had been doing. 2 or 3 a day? Good for my output count. I'm all caught up. I think it's not only a less time consuming style, but it's also a less weighty style. It is about imperfection and going with what comes, not layering and shading and filling in every last wrinkle. It feels lighter and more airy.

I've been thinking about living lighter, actually. Of letting go of the stuff. All the stuff we hang on to and think we ABSOLUTELY need to be happy. I'm not sure how much of that stuff is physical and how much of that stuff is mental, emotional, psychological, metaphorical etc.

I know I'm heading into a traveling light phase. It might not last that long, but it might. I've already gotten rid of so much, I am finding that I am hanging on to what I have left and the things and habits that make me comfortable.

Maybe drawing the things will help me come to grips with letting go. I don't know. It's a thought. And it's a journey. A journey of lightness, hopefully.

More Flu Journal, 91-93

The Key Lime Blossom I Plucked from the Tree
91/100 in 100
watercolor, pen, and Pitt Artist Pen on paper (journal)


Feeling a little better from my bout w the flu, but not well yet. Just not quite as in pain and/or exhausted. Yay for me. Still taking it easy.
Pretzels are Yummy
92/100 in 100
watercolor, pen, acrylic on paper (journal)

Lately I like the idea of paying attention to the mundane, little details of life. I haven't done this kind of art journal in quite a while. I like it though. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sell it, but art doesn't always have to be about commerce.

Anyway, I miss doing art journals. Or plain journals. The internet has beggared my paper journal.

Hero of My Own Story, or Orion Flying Girl
93/100 in 100
Golden Fluid Acrylic on paper (journal)

I saw an orion drawing that was nice. So I thought I liked the idea of a Flying Girl Orion. Whether or not I thought the painting was successful, it's fun to be able to explore in the journal without feeling the need to always have perfect paintings.

There are things to learn from letting go of the reins, from allowing imperfection in, from just going with intuition instead of planning it out. Also from letting yourself off the hook.

It does not have to be perfect.

It does not have to make money.

It does not have to count as art to anyone else but you.

It just has to feel good, feel right, somewhere, in some corner of yourself.

Do some feeling good today.

Flu Journals (89&90/100)

Saying Yes (art journal)
89/100 in 100 creative challenge, 9/1/09

Working on my art journal as I try to take it easy. Maybe I shouldn't have had the coffee in the picture because I think I have the flu. Maybe even the swine flu, but it's not the worst flu I've ever had.

So, soup tonight, lots of rest. Lots of movies and tv for the kids and one more art journal page for my creative challenge tally

In My Hands (art journal)
90/100 in 100 creative challenge, 9/1/09
watercolor and Pitt artist pen on paper

Ten more to go.

Hands are amazing things, you know.

We have lots of power in our hands and we don't even realize it.

Unripe

Unripe Lychee nuts and what happens when my son gets ahold of one.

I am an unripe Lychee nut.

Or so I feel. We have a tree in the front yard that is full of them. They are just starting to get ripe. Apparently they only come out every other year. They weren't there last year. This year, they've been swelling greenly and prickly on the tree, and we looked up yesterday to find them blushing just a little.

The boy went around collecting them from where ever he could reach and finding a few on the ground.

We peeled one down to it's pale white/gray translucent flesh and tasted them. They are extremely juicy and rather tart, leaving a puckering feel behind on your tongue.

The boy loved them, and ate the whole thing. Going so far as to crack the seed with his teeth before I told him that was not to eat.

He wants more. But the rest are still and green and sharp.

I am like this with art lately, maybe life in general. I feel it all growing into something fertile and ripe, but I am just not there yet. I try to take the fruit now, but it makes me wince just a little bit with it's sour edge.

If I let it sit a bit, let it drink in the rain and the sun of life, then maybe I will wake up and be full of pink and blush? Maybe I will be ready to pluck the results of my down time.

As for now, I think I'm going to write this afternoon, instead of painting. I think I'll be posting photos more, and looking at creativity within life, rather than just the paintings I do. I used to blog about more than my art. I think I'm going to loosen up on my definitions of myself and cast about a bit for the other ripe things in my life. Look around at nature for inspiration without requiring that I am painting everyday. Creativity is more than just painting, so maybe it's time to play with some of that.