Look Out Now or Flying Girl Makes It Through The Storm

Look Out Now, or Flying Girl Makes It Through The Storm
Pencil, Ink and Acrylic paint on vintage Alice in Wonderland book page
7 1/4" x 4 3/4" on 8 1/2"x 11"

This is my first flying girl in quite some time.

I'm not sure what the lesson here is, unless it's about learning how to breathe again after being buffeted about by the winds of fate.

Or perhaps remembering the lessons that I have already learned.

Or perhaps life is guaranteed to knock you around a bit, but if you manage to come out the other side, it is a lesson, not the doom that it felt like when you were caught in the middle of it.

That sounds suspiciously like "this too shall pass," but that's ok since that's one of my favorite old sayings.

Maybe the wisdom of getting older is learning to hunker down and wait it out, and understanding that there is  always going to be something better on the other side. Time goes faster than we think and we are stronger than we know.

Maybe this is just a reminder. It gets better. We get stronger.

Prints of this painting is for sale here:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/122841807/look-out-now-or-flying-girl-makes-it

Head of a Girl from the Past, and Changing

Head of a Girl from the Past
ink on moleskine


I have lost count of what number "head of a girl" this is. I've decided to go with names form now on, rather than numbers. What started out as an exercise to see what I could do with ink wash portraits has begun to take on meaning on its own, it's begun to become something of its own.

I suppose that's the nature of a series. It serves as a way for you to grow. You keep going back to the same theme or technique and you develop it with each following piece.

I don't know where this series will go. It's led me back to portraits, which I've always enjoyed, so that's good, and also drawing from references again, instead of making things up wholesale in my head. That's not a bad thing either.

In this season of beginning of the year resolutions I've been thinking about change a lot.

I think sometimes we expect to be able to change, just like that, make a resolution and that's it, quit cigarettes, lose weight, get published, go back to school... whatever the goal. But I don't think that change, real change really works like that.

Change doesn't happen all at once, it happens in stages and baby steps. Change is more like growth, or evolution. Change is something that happens inside of you first, that makes you want to take that small step, and the small step is what helps you get to the next choice, and making that choice convinces you that this is where you want to go.

Maybe change begins with an idea, "I can do that..." or "I don't have to be this..." A possibility. An idea. A realization that the dream is possible, an opening of doors, a willingness to take a chance, a first step out on that long journey, the beginning attempts at an exercise, even if they fail at first, and the commitment to keep trying, even though it doesn't seem like you will ever see that desired, whole-sale change or growth.

Maybe life is all about change. We have the illusion that things won't change or we will always be where and what we are, but the truth is, nothing stays the same and we are always in flux.

Perhaps part of our issues with making lasting change in our life is that we don't expect to fail in our attempts. We think that we make up our mind to change and that's it, it should be smooth sailing from then on in. But change is such a all encompassing thing, from the inside out, that it doesn't make sense that it would be all that easy.

There are going to be set backs. There are going to be moments where you are just not living up to your high ideals. There are going to be moments when you are scared and don't think you can do it. There are going to be moments where the old fears and bad feelings rise up again. There are going to be external difficulties, time constraints, people who don't support us, physical difficulties, unexpected disasters, whatever.

But in our journey to truly change, to GROW and develop and transform, we have to trust that the path we've set out on is the right one. And if it isn't as easy as we thought, we are still moving forward, despite stumbles or road blocks or detours. Sometimes, our journey might lead us into places we didn't expect, places we didn't dare hope for. Sometimes we might find we have to rest on our journey, or stop not quite at the end, or re-evaluate our destination.

Keep going. Don't give up. Expect set backs. Trust yourself. Trust the process.

Change is hard. Growth is hard. Life is hard.  Yup. So we might as well just keep going through.

Learning How To Say Yes 72-77/100 in 100 days

Yes (gold and silver)

pencil and acrylic

72/100

One of the things I have to practice is saying yes to life. My first impulse is always to say no. The farther out of my comfort zone things are, the more likely I am to say no, or just clam up and hide.

I've learned to get around this impulse. I make myself little reminders, like this painting of YES. Or I try to change my automatic internal dialogue into something more positive. I ask myself, what's the worst that could happen? I join blog challenges to do one brave thing a day. Sometimes, I just hold my breath and jump in.

Another thing I do to help myself learn to take chances and try new things and go for my goals, is to take baby steps. For instance, I wanted to do more portraits, try something new, really get into it. So I started small. The earlier recent portraits are an example. The first ones were a bit over 3"x5.5". Note paper size. And then I moved up to vintage book pages at about 4.5"x7". The scrap paper and left over book pages are not only small, but because they are "scrap" the stakes are lowered for me. This enables me to take chances, to risk things not working out... because it's just experimenting.

 

 Head of a Girl 9
ink on vintage Alice in Wonderland Page
4.5"x7"
73/100
Here my experiments get a bit larger. Practicing with the same image, trying new things, learning the technique, branching out.

 Head of a Girl 10
ink on paper, moleskine
5"x8"
74/100
Now on plain paper. This is not watercolor paper and it absorbed the ink strangely. Something I actually thought was interesting, so I decided to try something a bit more challenging

Ivy
ink on paper, moleskine
5x8"
75/100

I painted my daughter. I always find painting kids to be very challenging, because the features are so soft and rounded. But after experimenting with these vintage portraits and the ink, I went for it anyway.

I decided that I like the stronger shadows better. Gives me something else to grab onto with the sepia ink, but all in all, I don't think this is a bad attempt, for a first attempt. Usually, when I do portraits, I do myself... since I am always there and I don't complain when I model. And since the advent of digital photography, I don't even need a mirror, I can just snap a picture and paint it from my camera.

 Selfie
ink on peper
5x8"
76/100

Like here. A painting of a snapshot. This is definitely not my best self portrait, but I'm okay with it. Remember, part of this whole series, aside from getting my numbers up on my 100 in 100 challenge, is to take baby steps towards the harder challenges. Experimenting. Trying new things. Lowering the stakes and the pressure that I put on myself to get things right, and be perfect.

The process of trying out new things with low stakes is also a process of being open to whatever comes... whether it is a surprising aspect of a medium or a new idea of what I might try next.

Head of a Girl 11
ink on paper
5.5"x8.5"
77/100

(does anyone else find it funny that my page sizes are going up in half inch increments?)

This last painting was done this morning when I had a brilliant idea to use acrylic on top of my ink paintings... except I liked how this turned out, with it's strong shadows and pretty girl, so much, that I didn't want to touch it with the experiment.

You see? I stopped the willingness to try new things because I got attached to this "perfection." Not that I think it's perfect, but that I didn't want to "ruin" it.

Luckily, with this series, I am gaining enough facility in the medium and style that I can paint another head of a girl and experiment with that one. Maybe I should go back to my usual head of a girl, so that I can feel more comfortable with trying something new without ruining the existing work.

Being an artist does not mean you are always confident in what you create. Taking chances is part of the territory. Every blank page is the chance to make a masterpiece or a disaster that will make you climb back into bed and hide under the covers.

Learning to get out there, becoming comfortable with the risk, trying things that you've never done before... facing your fears... this is part of being an artist. This is part of being a human, actually. It's a hard lesson, and sometimes you have to relearn it.

You Know The Answer

You Know The Answer

You know you do.

That thing that you know you need to do to make things work out... you just gotta do it. That choice you have to make? That step you have to take? Just do it.

It doesn't how we talk ourselves out of it, how hard we convince ourselves it is, how impossible it might be. My personal favorite excuse is "Oh I'm so tired, I can't." But the truth is, I know what needs to be done. And I can, even if it's hard and I have to break it down into baby steps and accept that results won't appear right away and maybe not even ever, but I still have to do it.

Putting it off doesn't make it better. It doesn't make the task ahead any easier. It doesn't make us happier in the long run (although, we might be filling our procrastination time with things that make us feel good in the moment).

You know the answer.

Yes, that's the answer I'm talking about.

The scary one.

The one that is really what you want, in your deepest of hearts. The one that you know is the truest of true.

The one that you really have to rise to reach, to be the person you know you want to be.

The one that is all about your dreams. All about your soul.

The RIGHT answer.

Do it.

Say Yes To Life, woodland animal paper doll greeting card

Say Yes To Life, woodland animal articulated paper doll greeting card

Here is my bunny. Well, here is the bunny I made for my Bunny. My daughter thinks her real name is Bunny and insists we all call her Ivy Bunny. I made the bunny paper doll particularly for her.

But I like this bunny here, on this card, with the background of lush leaves.  

A rabbit is a sign of Spring. It's a sign that there is abundance, a sign that things are growing, a sign that we should go ahead and let our hope out to romp around in lush gardens.

Don't hide from the joy and the opportunity, get out there and raid that lettuce patch of life. You belong in the abundance that is out there. You are made of yes. You are made of growth and fertility and creativity. Don't let the little fears keep you hidden in your burrow. A rabbit is small and gentle and vulnerable, but every moment they are alive, every step they take into the world is full of bravery and chance taking.

What are you hiding from out of fear? What could you say yes to that might change your life? What chances could you take that would open up possibilities for you? Where could you be brave. Practice saying yes everyday to something that scares you. You might be surprised at how your world can bloom.

Be Brave, you are stronger than you think

Be Brave, you are stronger than you think
watercolor, ink, pencil, clear wax crayon
5"x8"

Some days, things just seem awful scary and overwhelming. The closer you get to things that really matter, they easier it is to invent fears that can stop you.

Today I woke up to face things (that weren't threatening) which made me me inexplicably nervous, so I painted this to remind myself to be brave. Courage is not about not being afraid, but rather about facing up to your fears and forging ahead.

Be Brave you are stronger than you think (detail)

This is the most important part of this little reminder, in my book.

The thing is that, even though we are afraid that things won't turn out the way we want, or things might go wrong, or we might be hurt or we might put something important on the line only to have to rejected, the truth is that even if things DO go wrong, we can make it through. We have before.

We are strong. We are resilient. We are smart enough to figure out what to do next. Even failure does not have to stop us... as long as we are brave enough to keep trying, to risk ourselves, to do what really matters and commit no matter what the outcome might be.

Bravery is how we overcome those odds. And every time we are brave, every time we conquer that fear, we get a little step closer to being the person we want to be. And every time we take that difficult step, we make the next brave step that much easier. I would much rather be in the habit of facing my fears straight on than hiding from them. Turning off the light. Pulling the blanket up over my head.

Being brave gets you a lot farther in life.

When's the last time you were faced with an opportunity to be brave and do something you knew was the best thing to do? How did you overcome your fears and find your courage?

New and Improved Creativity Log, Now with Bravery!

 A New Improved Creativity Log (blank)

I'm really trying to get organized and be productive again. It's quite the process and often doesn't look like it's going anywhere in all the business of every day life... until it does, and you realize you've finished huge projects and pulled your life back together and taken major steps on the journey to your dreams.

I realized something about how far along I am right now in my creative process when I found this post in the random search of my archives. That post was about wanting to be creative, but still being quiet and still...being fallow. Which can feel awful when you really really want to be doing stuff and making stuff, but is often a necessary phase in being creative. But if you keep at it and keep trying and continue to have faith in yourself and your creative process, then you do ultimately start moving.

I am right now in the motion phase of my creative journey. What a relief after standing still for so long. I'm not going as fast or as far as I want to yet, but I am picking up speed.

One of the things I'm doing to keep up my momentum and take stock of what I actually am doing is to go back to keeping a creativity log. I've written about it before, but I've decided to make some improvements.

The planner is a place where I can keep track of what I have done that day. We all know about to do lists and how gratifying it is to cross stuff off, but it is very easy for us to forget everything we are doing that never got onto the list, small things, or unexpected things, or every day things that have a big impact on your day and your creativity. That's why I keep my log. And I break it down into categories because it is so easy for me to lose my balance and focus too much on one area, all my attention might go to my kids, or I might be obsessed with painting or I might completely forget that I have to take care of myself. So I list the important categories/goals at the top of my log, and then the day of the week down the side and then write down what I've done to fit that category for the day. Simple as that. But this time around, I'm changing things around to fit my life and also to deal with some things that I struggle with, to make the log even more effective for the way I do things.

First of all, I put some pages in my handmade planner. I'm kind of loving my planner and making all the notes  and lists and such. But I also love using my stamps in my planner. For some reason, when the papers we look at all day are pretty and have pleasing colors, when they feel good in the hand, I'm more likely to use them, so making my log pretty, not just a drawn in grid, helps me want to use it.

New and Improved Creativity Log Imperfect and In Action

 This one here is my first try at making my new log. I don't know if you can tell, but there are some mistakes with the stamping and the boxes do not all line up as you go down the page. Whoops. Luckily I had a marker the same color as the ink I used so I just drew lines to keep the days straight. But even though I hadn't gotten the format down pat, I started to log my creativity for the week, anyway.

New and Improved Creativity Log (detail) in use, with some entries and notes

 Here is a closeup of the started log. You can see Self, Writing, Art/Craft, and Business (which is anything that has to do with money and jobs and finances). The categories you can't see are Blog, Kids, Home, and there's one more, which I'll talk about later.

One of the things I noticed right away when I started my log (this is only two days of logging, mind you) is that I am seriously avoiding Writing. I am not counting blogging as writing because I know the projects I mean to be working on and I am not doing them because I am afraid. So, when I noticed that I was avoiding writing, I filled my empty log slot with a stamp, saying "DON'T IGNORE ME".  I need to know when I am avoiding something. I need to be faced with the fact that I am avoiding it. I need to stop hiding from it, because I know what my real goals are.

Another thing that I added to my new log is that I am not only keeping track of the tasks I complete, but I am also adding a star to the activities that make me feel good about myself, make me feel productive and make me feel like I can tackle the next step. I want to see which kinds of things lead to the most positive feelings. And I want to value those activities for their emotional and psychological weight.

New and Improved Creativity Log (detail) with the hand carved stamp that has helped improve it.

This brings me to the last new thing that I added to my creativity log. A new category. It isn't strictly about being creative... actually neither is the whole log, it's more about productivity, or perhaps, working on the rest of my life so that I can be creative. The new category is called, "Big Girl Panties," aka "Be Brave." In this row, there is a place that I can mark down what I have done that has been scaring me, intimidating me. What I have been avoiding because it is too important, fits into my neuroses, or is too far out of my comfort zone. All those things about which I have spent my life muttering, "I cant!" This is the category that has been standing in my way, and these are the things that I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with.

This category pleases me. I feel so good when I can accomplish something that has been scaring me, even if it something so simple as emailing someone. I feel competent and capable and brave, and that means I am feeling stronger and more able to tackle everything else. This category also helps me think about the other things that are scaring me, the things I need to tackle next. I've put lists in my weekly planners of scary stuff that I am afraid of but still need to take care of. Like I said before, the more I pay attention to these things that scare me and the less I hide from it, the better it is for my creativity, my productivity and my life.

All in all, I'm really proud of the way this creativity log is turning out. It is about doing it. It is about taking those steps toward what you really want. I suppose it wouldn't even need to be about creativity, if your goals were more along the lines of career or home or business, but for me it's creativity. And something they don't really tell you before you start trying to make art or write novels or compose symphonies is that the hardest part about creating is not really about writing, painting or the act of creating. The hardest part about being creative is confronting your own fears, battling your demons, overcoming your flaws, facing your dreams and digging into the heart of all that you are.

What are the categories that you would put into your own personal creativity log? What are the things that you need to tackle to be as creative as you would like?

La Pintura On The Way Back

La Pintura, articulated paper doll.

paper, giclee print, metal brads

Long time no see.

I've been in hiding. Well, not really in hiding so much as in a fallow period. Busy with daily life and silent on the outside. But at the same time, I feel a lot of work has been going on under the surface, even if my forward momentum seems to have stalled.

But the way my life works, I've found this is actually a normal part of the process. Again and again, I've gone through quiet, struggling periods of life, where art is silent and the transformation process is dark and quiet.

It would be easy to get stuck there, to think, "I have creative block," or "I give up," or "I just can't do it, my life is too difficult to allow these goals in." But the truth is, my goals as an artist and a writer are not just something that comes from the outside, they are a part of me. Even when I'm not painting or writing, I still feel that urge, and it gets stronger and stronger until I have to work my way back. Because I am just who this Paper Doll says I am. I am The Painter. And I am The Writer. I am the Artist even if she's quiet sometimes.

So here I am working my way back, trying to find the right steps to take me back to creativity and productivity. That's okay. Remember, this si part of the process. I'm beginning to remember creativity as a choice, a daily choice. I'm beginning to remember myself as the creator, even at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and have been taking care of other people all day long. Part of taking care of myself is creating things.

So.

So then. The baby steps I am taking are towards recommitting to art and writing. I have begun painting again, little things in my journals. I took out my new-used sewing machine for the first time and gave it a whirl. I went back to my old novels and read them over to get ready for a new commitment to nanowrimo.org.

Yes, I'm going to try to write a novel in November, again. I am very worried, to tell the truth. I've met the goals every year for the last five, but this year, my habits are so poor and my mind is so out of writing that I am concerned that I won't be able to get the writing juices flowing and actually sit down at the computer every day.

So I am afraid. And that means I have to do it. Is fear what has been stopping me all along? Am I just using busy-ness and fallow-ness as an excuse for not doing it?

Well, I'm going to try again. I'm going to go for the daily commitment. And I might as well do Art Everyday Month, too. Commit to a daily creative practice and it will come back, I know this. Because for all I've been "The Mom" all this summer and autumn, I really am "The Artist." I am "The Writer." I am "The Painter." It's just who I am, and I am going to find a way to integrate all these parts of me. I just am.

Wish me luck.

Cells and Building Blocks

Cells and Building Blocks

pencil, pen, watercolor on paper

5/26

For the last six years, I have been struggling to remember who I am. Where I want to go. What I really want to do with my life. My art.

This is confusing, because I am who I am, even in this time of kids and jobs and housekeeping and normal every day living. I am living my life and I am thankful for the life that I have, but at the same time... it's really hard to maintain focus when there are so many things pulling on you.

This is a different way of living than it was when I was single and had all my free time to devote to writing, art and dreams. Now, half the time, I am still devoting time to writing, art and dreams... but it's the writing, art and dreams of my kids. I don't mean that metaphorically. Working with G on his school work and practicing writing. Setting up projects and helping the kids in their painting, plays, music performances and other creative outbursts (also cleaning up from said creative outbursts). And dealing with nightmares, midnight wakings, bedtime routines, as well as the kids adventures in discovering their own dreams for themselves.

A fully worthy focus.

Except I can't help feeling frustrated at my inability to keep up with my personal goals.

As usual, this blog is about recovering, maintaining and exploring my creative goals. Since the very beginning, when I was trying to get back to being creative after having two kids, this is what it was. But I am creative again. I've found my voice again. Now I want to be heard.

This is a different journey, although a continuation. And I am writing this while the back of my mind ruminates over the bad chapter that I am revising in my novel. I want this book done. I want to finish my synopsis and send it out with my query letters. I want to get OUT in the world.

You'd figure if I really wanted to have my voice heard, I would post more than once a week, but like I said, it is hard to keep my focus in this busy world of living. I guess it is for everyone. And the only way I know to reach for those seemingly unreachable and frustratingly close goals is to take baby steps.

To paint one journal entry.

To write one extra blog entry this week (this makes 2 this week!)

To spend an hour before work (or after or at bedtime or whenever) revising my novel

To carry my "How to Write a Synopsis" book with me and read it whenever I get 15 minutes

To add another print to my etsy shop

To crochet a granny square or two while watching SYTYCD (it's back on, yay!)

To slowly work on organizing my workspace

To take notes on my synopsis in those slow moments at work

To have an artist date with my daughter where we can both paint and draw

To take photos whenever the need strikes me

To never give up on those things I really want, even when my efforts seem useless and it seems I have been working on them for an eternity without much progress, to never give up

To believe and remember and commit even though it's not perfect or easy

To never give up.

I said that part a lot. Never give up. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, wondering if all these years of effort are worth it. But I guess I decided it is.

I'm still at it.

You don't give up, either.

A Crown, Fear, and 15 Minutes

Last Minute Birthday Crown Pin

felt, thread, embroidery floss, pin finding

Well, February is just about 1/4 done. My kids are out, attending a birthday party at some bouncy house. They asked for no presents, but I could help whipping up a little birthday girl crown for the kid of the day. I hope the girl in question likes it. Maybe she only likes things that are store bought? Or maybe she is much more sophisticated than me and prefers Tiffany boxes and stuff like that. Oh well. She's getting this and a card made by my son. I'm quite impressed with that, since he wrote it out all by himself (with my help on the spelling) without complaining. He's a complainer, you see. Hates not being able to do things well. Hates the feeling that he is at a loss. Seems to be afraid of that beginner stage. Afraid of not being good enough...

And it turns out this post is not just unrelated rambling.

February is 1/4 done and I have not started my revising.

Just like my son, I hate not being able to do things well. Hate the feeling that I am at a loss. Am afraid of the beginner stage, and most of all, am afraid that I am not good enough.

This is the closest I have ever gotten to having a novel published. I am almost at the point where I can send this thing out into the world and let it rest on it's own merits. The closer this gets, the scarier it gets.

Being an artist is about facing your fears. This is why everyone is not writing novels, I think. Because it's scary as fuck and the scariest thing about it is what is inside of your own head.

Well. So there. Excuse my french. But it's really scary.

And while my kids are out at their bouncy party, giving the birthday girl her handmade card and crown pin, I am sitting at home, with the delightful silence and stillness, and... doing not much of anything.

I have to head to work in 40 minutes.

Am I brave enough to take some of those minutes and sit and look at my waiting novel? What say you, Ro? Take out your colored pen and wave it like a magic wand over that fourth draft, turn it into the novel that you imagine????

15 minutes. That's all you have to do to get started. Even the biggest fear can be conquered for only 15 minutes, right? No more than that if you don't want to.

15 minutes starting......

NOW!

Snow Day and the Creative Process

Snow Day

Okay. So it's February now.

I've done the crazy busy of November and December. I've done the crash and stay quiet of January. I think it's time to get back to work now.

The picture is my fourth draft of my novel, waiting to be revised one last time before I start the business of trying to get published. I was trying to push it and finish it up by November, but I just didn't have enough time. And I thought it was better to do it right than to rush it. So... I let it sit for three months.

Then yesterday, I printed the first third of the novel out and got ready to go. I set up a nice cozy spot in the bedroom, by the window, with the printout, and my colored pens. A rocking chair and a view of the gently falling snow. How lovely.

How lazy.

At one point, I actually turned the novel over so that it wouldn't look at me.

But, I am not giving up. I just have to take my babysteps and work on my mindset and practice the building of good habits.

This is part of the process. Fallow period. Fear. Avoidance. Small starts. Back sliding.

I don't want anyone to believe this kind of struggle means they aren't supposed to be an artist or a writer or really anything they want to be. It's just part of the process, and we have to trust the process. Believe in ourselves. And remember why we wanted to do it in the first place.

I will keep you updated on my ability to keep up with myself and move forward.

When will she start again?

Will this book ever be finished?

Is it any good at all?

Tune in next time, same bat channel, same bat time, or whenever I post next.

Enjoy Life and Letting the Light in

Enjoy Life

watercolor, pen, pencil on paper

4"x8", repurposed menu

AEDM #15

I woke up this morning, still recovering from the flu or a cold or whatever this is, also suffering from a wine headache (known as an adult hangover, even though as an adult I only had three glasses all night and wasn't even buzzed) and feeling stressed out and behind on all my goals.

And then I said to myself, you know self? I'm going to try to enjoy my day.

And then, I must admit to you that I didn't quite succeed. It's kind of hard to enjoy your day when your stomach starts rebelling. (I really shouldn't drink wine. Sulfites aren't kind to me. Too bad it tastes so good.)

So a few hours later, after some squealing kids, a little bit of web surfing, some alka seltzer, and something to eat, I managed this little painting.

Witness:

No pressure to be perfect.

Going with the flow of life, paint, and paper.

Lots of color.

Remembering to remember.

Inspiring others (the boy has decided to paint again, finally. we may have broken through his own perfectionism that keeps him from painting/drawing/writing.)

Using what you have and living where you are.

Just breathing.

I can't guarantee that I have enjoyed every bit of today, but I'm trying to remember that I enjoy the parts I do enjoy, and not let the grumpy parts take over the rest.

I should be going down to do some writing in about a half hour, so I am trying to prepare myself to get writing. After my slow down this last week, I am still ahead, but not as far. And this morning, I thought about what I want this story to be... on the whole. I want it to be about a strange beauty, shadows and the unexpected things that grow there, the power that we find when we truly embrace ourselves and all our imperfections. And in order to that, I need to push myself to go deeper, wider, bigger. Also harder, more painful, uglier.

To go all the way with our endeavors, we really have to commit to the whole thing, even if it's scary, even if it isn't expected, even if people might not like it. Even if it's odd.

Say yes to those cracks between things.

That's how the light gets in.

Okay well, we'll see if I'm brave enough to go to those cracked and dark places, instead of just going with the flow.

As for you, I hope you are remembering to enjoy life in your little cracked or not so cracked parts of the world..

Flying Girl Goes Head First, or Dive In

Flying Girl Goes Head First or Dive In...

acrylic and pencil on paper

AEDM 13, 11/13/10

Where have I been? I skipped posting yesterday. I have been cranky and sick and not all that creative. Well. I've been creative, but low energy.

Plus I've been obsessed with pinterest. It's fun, but it's definitely a time suck. I guess I prefer a time suck when I'm still sick. So oh well.

But I have been slowly recovering, regaining brain power and such. I've been trying to get back into writing for nanowrimo and I've been afraid.

Writing while I was sick and brain dead took me far off course and got me really confused as to what was supposed to be happening.

Yesterday, before work, I sketched out this.

Dive in sketch

pencil on paper

11/12/10 aedm #12

This was me trying to tell myself that it was time to just dive right in, beyond the fear, beyond the uncertainty, beyond the laziness, to just commit. Take the steps. Write the words.

And I did. I lay in bed (because I didn't feel well enough to go downstairs and sit up right) and I just started writing.

I completely skipped the scene that was giving me trouble. I just went to the next part.

And it helped me figure it out.

The act of committing. The act of writing. The act of just doing carried me past the fear and the confusion.

Am I perfectly clear about what comes next? Nope. But I have somewhere to begin.

Remember also, this is week two of the big November challenges, when the excitement and the anticipation and the stored up ideas all start to run out. When life starts to interfere. When it just ain't as easy as it was in the beginning. This is part of the process. Keep going. Dive back in. We shall pass through this and move on to the next phase.

I'll tell you about when i get there.

How is your November going? How is your creativity moving?

Little Gods and Goddesses: Nanowrimo, The First Day

Little Gods and Goddesses

"cover art"

11/1/10 Day 1 AEDM

acrylic and pencil on paper

Yesterday, the start of Nanowrimo and AEDM, I woke up bright and early, took the boy to the school bus while the moon was still out, returned home, and promptly got to work... on Facebook.

Oops.

It turns out it's really scary to get started on those big projects that you have big hope for.

The more weight you put on something, the scary it is for you to actually tackle.

But, I pulled on my big girl pants and sat down and tackled it one word at a time. And it turned out it wasn't that hard to tackle.

I don't want to talk about my impression of the WORTH of what I wrote to get myself started. But it is not really important how good the writing is, not at this point. I am writing my way into the story. I might delete every word I've just written-- at some later stage. Because right now it is not about having lyrical prose, engaging characters or a fantastic plot.

Right now it is just about getting the words down, getting rid of that empty page. Getting the ideas out into some sort of concrete form. Giving myself a scaffold to which I can hang my story.

This is the first draft.

The glories and the pains of just writing it out.

It's a little bit difficult to switch from the editor's cap which I have been wearing for the last 11 months, to the first drafter's cap. But I'm working on it.

The most important phrase of this whole post is the one I just wrote, "I'm working on it." Because you can't write a novel, not a first draft, not a second draft, not a final version, if you don't sit down and work on it.

Little Gods and Goddesses, detail (with the little mermaid. i like her.)

The images I have here are from my first piece of art for AEDM. It's "cover art" for my nanowrimo novel. Well... it's a concept. I drew the sketch for it last week when I was trying to get into my story, get a handle on it, understand what it was about and what the themes were and what the title was.

Right now the working title is Little Gods and Goddesses. I don't know if I'll keep it, but it keeps me focused on some things. And it makes me happy when I see it. And if it weren't for AEDM, I wouldn't have sat down with my paints and finished this cover art, temporary as it may be. Just me and Chuck and some chocolate chip cookies and my paints. After Chuck was over, I closed my paints, turned off the tv, and went to bed, satisfied to have met my goals for the day.

Nanowrimo : 5180 words

AEDM 1/30

BOO! A Halloween of Birds, Beasts, and Creativity

The Birds Are Coming to Get You!!

raven silhouettes on storm door

Did you ever see Hitchcock's The Birds? If you haven't, you should.

From then on, every flock of birds you see settling on tree branch and phone wire will seem vaguely eerie.

My part-way-done attempts at Halloween have led me to this... the ravens look good, but there should be more, and some branches. Also, we only carved one pumpkin. The other was breakfast for squirrels. I wonder if I did silhouettes of squirrels on the door if it would serve the same eerie effect?? Maybe only to pumpkins.

I painted claws on the boy for his vampire costume, I painted claws on me for my witch costume. And last night I finished my witch hat. I'm rather proud of it and might make a tutorial for it. It's not really that difficult, but it's hard to keep the glue in all the right places. A tutorial can count as a part of Art Every Day Month, right? Tutorials are complicated business. I mean "art." because it will be counting, because I am a rebel, you know.

Any way, this is just a note to say, I've got to get out of here and start getting ready for the busiest day of the year. Or one of, anyway.

Here we go, Halloween, and then on to AEDM and nanowrimo.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Creating!

Happy Writing!

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid-- Halloween, The Living Dead and Nanowrimo

Cemetery in Michigan (oooooOOOOOOooooooooOOooohhh... creepy...)

I am getting ready for everything.

Getting ready for Halloween. Goodness, these kids take a lot of work. Vampires and princesses. Witches for me. That reminds me, I have to make another version of my mini witches hat for my costume, because the one I made looks like... well... a mess. Maybe I'll photograph this version, and you can follow along.

Getting ready to finish my first novel. I need to take a break on that, but I'm still sending out copies to readers and receiving feedback. Thank goodness for google documents.

Getting ready to start the next book. Research research research. Outline outline. All in the few moments in between living life.

Gearing up for NaNoWriMo. Sorry if I talk about it a lot. Talking about it gets the juices flowing.

Actually that's true of all creative projects. Immersing yourself in the world of your project gets you excited to get going.

And another thing about nanowrimo... it's not just the deadline that gets you writing, it's all the months (especially October) where you aren't allowed to write according to the rules. And the anticipation of writing starts to build, and you think about your book and write around the writing (outlines, character sheets, research etc) and all of that serves to deepen your book and your thoughts and your entrapment in the world of the book, so that when you FINALLY start, there is something rich and deep and alive.

I am a big proponent of the "holding" stage of creativity. That's when you DON'T jump in to your creative project at the first urge of inspiration, but you let it live inside of you, in the darkness of your subconscious, growing like some sort of fungus or root system or larvae. Only the really strong ideas will last. And they will attract other strong ideas. And they will all grow and transform with the close proximity and the heat of your attention and the magic of your imagination. And then you will have a living being and when you finally start, you have already done so much inner work that the writing part takes on a life of it's own.

So with nanowrimo, on November First, (not coincidentally the Day of the Dead) your novel is ready to rise from the darkness and take corporeal form, like all sorts of uncontrollable frightening beings--ghosts, zombies, vampires, novels.

Are you scared yet?

On Creativity, Blogging, Writing and Feedback

I haven't blogged this much week, but I didn't want anyone to feel abandoned, or to think I wasn't being creative.

I wasn't painting or drawing, and haven't really taken photos since last Monday (the above photo is from then, but I really like some of the Autumn cloudy golden hour traveling photos, so I'm okay). And usually, my blog posts are inspired by the images I have. When I sit down to blog, I run through my recent photos and pick the one to inspire the blog. It's usually a photo of some craft or painting, and when I don't have one of those, a photo like this, taken just for prettiness.

But this week, I have been focusing on writing. Well, that and the kids. And the working. So there's not much evidence of the work I've done.

But I did finish doing a fourth pass of my novel, editing and fine tuning some of the language. I sent out some chapters to friends of mine, trusted readers.

I started getting text messages not too long after sending out the first 7 chapters or so.

Send more please I have finished. And must have more please. Please send the whole thing can’t wait I’m hooked. Need my fix.

I wasn't quite done with the editing then, so I sent her the next two chapters... and got this.

Can u try resending 8 and 9 again? And send me more pls I will be on the road for another 4 hours at least.

K finished 8 and 9 it was spotty internet reception. I’m ready for the rest and to be honest not very patiently. This is a very good story and I see it v...

...ery visually. Please send me the rest I can’t wait.

And then as I rushed, to finish, even more.

OK done where is the rest lady????? Sorry I’m being pushy but its ur fault for writing a page turner. U can upload all the pages on google. It isn’t save...

...d on ur puter but the google network. Hurry up please I have to find out what happens in Scranton.

Ok don’t be holding out now. LOL its really good.

In the end I sent her the unedited draft and let her chew over the last half of the book while I retreated to the basement on my day off and spent the day editing and writing my author's outline.

And while I was working on the last couple of chapters, she started filling up my text inbox with this

There r more books no? I feel like it’s a trilogy or something.

I knew it lol. It’s really entertaining and addictive. The characters r real people. I see them feel for them root for them. U will have no prob selling t...

...his book.

I have a good feelin. U know I read a lot. U know I love books. I want more I’m thinking about the next book. When I get like this I make terry take me

To the store so I can buy all the books in the series. That is how I feel about this book. It is what I see in the future. BTW it is visual enough for a...

...movie. I saw that immediately. Get writing missy U got me addicted. When I read it I’m in the book drawn in. I forget u wrote it. I’m immersed in it. And...

...right now I’m kinda pissy that I have to wait for the next book. All signs that it is good.

PLEASE

After I finished I came up stairs and received a phone call, where we must have talked for an hour about my book. She helped me come up with some plot ideas for the next book, and saw elements of my family in the characters... because you see she is my cousin.

All in all, it was a good thing for my afraid-to-show-my-book self.

Thanks Mitz for the review and the book talk.

It was a good ego boost, and now I can try to whip my query, synopsis, and sample chapters into shape and send them out to agents before Nanowrimo... when I will start the next book and forget all about agents.

Harvest Soon Travelling

Harvest Soon Travelling

poladroid ap

I don't have that much time to write undisturbed without kids, but I'm still going. Still chugging along. I am closer than I have ever been to having a polished piece of work. It's amazing how those small bits of time can really add up. That should be a lesson to us all. We always think that nothing can get done unless we have everything just right to finish it, but it's so much easier to finish those big projects in small bites, doing a bit a day and staying committed.

By staying committed, I find I am almost done. Almost ready to show to people. Almost ready to send it out and find an agent. Or at least try to. I know that's a whole different story.

And the whole thing is scary. I love to write and do it for my own pleasure, but I want someone to read it. I want it to be read. Except it's scary to think about people actually READING it. Judging it. Paying money for it.

With all the commitment I've made to writing over the last 25 years I'm not going to let a little fear stop me, but I am going to admit it's there.

Fear is one of those things that can scatter when you turn on the light and look at it. Like cockroaches.

Do I want to let those fear cockroaches stop me from going where I want to go with my life? No. Look. I'm even talking about it on my blog. People I know will hear all about my fears. And about my novel almost being ready to read.

When you turn on the lights in your life, where do you find those fear cockroaches? Is it time for you to do a little stomping?

It's Here Now, Are You?

Bookmark: "It's here now, are you?" Bhagavan Das (quote on reverse)

repurposed menus, ink, paint pen, acrylic gel medium, embroidery floss

2"x8"

So another day passed without me writing! Yipes. I picked up an extra shift at work from a girl who has bronchitis, so I came home late and exhausted, watched Glee and then promptly fell asleep. Today I'm not going in until 11am and that leaves 2 or 3 hours to run to the basement and write.

Let me tell you, I'd better do it, instead of procrastinating, because otherwise, I am in danger of getting saddle shy. Is that the term? You know, when you fall off the horse, and then they say, "get back up on the horse again".

Best to get back to it before I lose the flow all together.

I will keep you updated.
In other news, I wanted to tell you guys about the new item I have in my shop. Not one print but TWO. I call it the Prayer for Girl in Flight set. It's a new way of doing things, but I really do feel like these drawings go together with the others. I want to take some photos of framed pieces in a lovely setting and put them on the listing, but I don't have the time or set to pull that together yet, so I thought I'd just put the listing out there, instead of waiting.

Because you see, this is now, and this is today, and it really isn't a good idea to wait until things are all perfect before you try for what you really want out of life. Because this is life, right now, right here.

And thus I have tied in the title piece (bookmark) the topic (getting back to work) and the etsy shop. Woohoo.

Oh, by the way...what are you putting off? Waiting for a day when circumstances will be optimal? Waiting for more time or a perfect photo or your mind to be in the best place, or those sniffles to go away? Waiting for that day when things are right and you can be happy?

Don't wait. Now is the time and this is the living.

Feather, Falling and Flying

Feather

paper, pen, marker, gold paint pen

4"x4"

"there is an art, or rather a knack to flying. the knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground

and miss. -douglas adams"

So my weekend of no writing was a success. I got art done and mailings and home stuff and work and cooking and I even went with the kids to a cider mill with a hay maze and pumpkin donuts and pony rides and wee hee!

However....

It's Tuesday, and I haven't gotten a lick of writing in!

I am flummoxed by the living of life and how things keep popping up to get in the way of the goals.

!!!!

BUT....

Remember how it's all supposed to be in the service of living?

Is it worth it to get myself all up in arms because I'm not getting my scheduled writing done? As long as I am moving forward at a decent pace, does it matter if I am not sticking to my ridiculous goals as written?

Let's go back to drawing at the top and the fabulous quote. I'm not quite sure how I am going to go about throwing myself at the ground and missing the ground... but I'm going to keep trying. Perhaps it's the risking of yourself that counts as throwing yourself at the ground?

That makes sense. Taking the RISK of failing, and throwing yourself at that risk. Taking the chance on your dreams on the fail

ure of your dreams, and probably failing... but perhaps maybe not failing and instead actually reaching your dreams and learning how to fly?

How does that sound? Does that sound like what Douglas Adams is talking about?

It's a worthy risk, I think.

What do you think about taking a chance on failing at your dreams? Just saying, 'what the hell' lets go for a massive failure! I'll survive.'

I think it's the 'I'll survive' that is the difference here. It's trusting yourself to make it through even the brutal failure.

On a separate note, I just realized that my design blog, which I haven't tended since the Spring, really, gets as many hits as this blog, that I work on daily or every other day. What would happen if I DID tend that blog? Would I get a wider readership? Would it be good for this blog? For my etsy shop? For my 'internet presence'? Of course it would! That's only logic. It's audience that makes one a success on the internet, the great Democracy. Perhaps there is a limited audience for a personal art/spirituality blog. Perhaps the larger audience is in the sharing of pretty things. I like pretty things. I don't mind keeping the inspiration board that is small & heartfelt.

I'm thinking that if I go with the flow-- and take that updraft of designy blog stuff-- maybe

the little feather that is my 'brand' can fly away on the breeze. (yes, yes, I know it's a corny metaphor... but maybe there's something in there.)