Monday, November 09, 2009

Flying Girl for a Reason, or I am Where I am

Flying Girl for a Reason, or I am Where I am
Golden Fluid Acrilyc and white ink on paper, 8.5x 5"

Sometimes I am all caught up in the whirl of life and wishes and dashed hopes and baby steps and laughter and exhaustion. It's quite a dance. And I don't know where it's going.

But I was reminded this weekend that life is what it is, regardless of how we might wish that it turned out differently, it just is. And it is for some reason. What is the reason? I have no idea, but I do know that as long as I am looking for the lesson, looking for what I can learn or how I can grow, then even my failures in life will end up being positives.

This is my philosophy in life. It's all a process.

Interesting that it would coincide with this painting that I don't really consider to be a success... but still has elements within it that I would like to try again or develop. I liked the idea of white ink or paint on a black background, and I liked the idea of accepting where we are in life, even if it looks a little dark. I don't know how well the two ideas came together, but that doesn't mean there's nothing there.

Another related thought is with my writing right now. Doing nanowrimo, I'm trying to write 1667-2k words per day. It has been very hit or miss. I am having more trouble hitting my wordcounts this year than any of the previous three years. I'm okay in the total, but day by day, I keep falling down.

So I've been thinking about this, about the writing process, about my own goals for myself which are often terribly difficult and often not very thoughtful of my life or my own well being. And about what happens to me when my goals are so large that I get overwhelmed and don't seem to be able to even start, let alone reach them.

I think both these topics come back to the necessity of existing where we are in the actual moment, without guilt or fear.

I am a full time stay at home mom without help. If I want to write a novel, I have to take advantage of the moments I have without reservation, but if my life/kids call me to be present for them, I have to let go of the writing and be there for my own life/kids without reservation. It is what it is. I have to learn to accept the interruptions, and accept my own imperfections. Even accept my frustrations as part of the process of writing as a stay at home mom without help.

No matter where you are in life, I think that accepting the reality of the present is key.

For me, it even comes down writing down all the things I have to or want to do, accepting them, naming them, recognizing their value or necessity, prioritizing them, and then taking action.

Huh. I think that's part of what they mean when they say "grounding." It's taking care of the present. The physicality. How things fit together or work. Paying attention to details, and helping things run smoothly. No wonder making To Do lists is always the first step in finding my way back to balance.

As someone who tends to live in her head... this is a pretty major realization for me.

How do you keep grounded?


Leah said...

art helps me get grounded, as do walks in the woods.

i love sky in your flying girl piece!

aquamaureen said...

Rowena, in the past few weeks, I've been reading your posts and seen your struggle . .. I think you have had some major revelations, as indicated in this post. Even though the details of your life and mine are quite dissimilar, we seem to share a lot of the same frustrations. And just as you have written today, at the same time as ToDo lists swim through our brains, we NEED to LIVE in this very present moment.

You ask how we keep grounded. I was very tentatively babystepping through this morning, not feeling quite well and also on the verge of being swamped by all I needed to do. But something made me sort of take my emotional pulse, and I realized that I "needed" to watercolor. My last art project had involved acrylics, and I was missing the fluidity and surprise of watercolor. So I sat down and painted, not for any project or purpose other than to feel/see/sense the play of the colors, loose on the page.

So all the stuff is still waiting for me, but I'm a bit soothed inside.

Blessings to both of us as we continue to walk through our days.

shannon said...

you and i have so much in common. i stay home with my little guy as well. somedays i feel really inspired, present and balanced, and other days i feel like a complete mess. i posted a few blogs recently about "creating in the middle of things", and for me, that meant creating alongside my son, and being fully present with him. thanks for sharing. i'm loving your work. let's stay connected...for it's in the support that this process called LIFE feels enjoyable, manageable and wonderful.

(i've been blessed today with an almost three-hour nap! unheard of...and i'm loving the unexpected ME time i'm getting!)

Susie said...

Spending time in nature helps keep me grounded. I am sorry to read of your struggles, but the fact that you are having but it sounds like you are having some major revalations and you will find your way through your struggles and frustrations.
Your art today was wonderful. I love it. said...

Sounds like you are in process of revelation and connection with your inner self and the world at large. This is wonderful as you are finding reality just as it is, and seeing truth in everything for that moment. Grounding for me is being connected to right now, and breathing with it.
Happy Creative Every Day Month. :)

Julie Jordan Scott said...

I will read and re-read, read and re-read this one, that is for sure. Presence. Presence. Presence.

Beautiful. THANK YOU! (I notice you are on 43things? I am too... I use my name JulieJordanScott... I would love to follow you there... please let me know)

Buckets of admiration to you!

Shona Cole said...

Great post.
I am in the same boat as you - kids to care for and big goals I want to meet. How I get things done is by making a big picture list, and then a 2nd one that breaks everything down in to little bits per day. I make myself only look at what I am doing that day, I can chew a small bite, but get down if I look at the whole plate. Luckily my kids keep me grounded, I can't physically do anymore than what is on my today to do list, there are too many of them and they all want my time.

I am impressed you are writing a novel! All the best.


linda said...

Beautiful piece and beautiful work! I love the illustration and the hair flowing all over. I think many can relate to your thoughts and your philosophy is fantastic! I think everyone has different methods to be grounded...taking it one step at a time definitely. Everyone needs the planning/thought stage before the doing stage!

onasilentsea said...

i wish i could tell you how i stay grounded. i can't. i too livre in my head and really struggl with being present. but i'm trying...

Natasha said...

I've been in a tough place. I've just moved into my home today - been inbetween since Oct 31 due to our place not being ready... not fun with a little one and I'm not set up with anything yet. I don't even have my comp set up but I had to find a way to respond to say this experience has grounded me in a way I can't fully explain but hope to write about. This post hit "home" and made me cry as did the love post. Thank you for being a light of love in a very tough time for me.Please don't ever stop being exactly who you are Rowena

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