Saturday, June 07, 2008

Fighting Gachnar

Again and again today, I am being reminded to pay attention to the little things. This is what life is made up of-- little thing upon little thing, and laid together, that is what makes the material of our lives. Moments. Kisses. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. Butterflies. The drip, drip of the garden after the sprinkler goes off.

Sometimes I have trouble balancing those little things with the big goals.

Oh, that's not true. I'm making stories up. It's not the little things and the big goals that are at cross purposes... it's the big fears. The worries and the anxieties and the "should haves" and the "not good enoughs." The little things and the big goals work together, like music, each note combining with the one in front of and behind it to make the melody. It's the fears that make the music come screeching to a halt and lead me to get all tangled up in my intentions and excuses.

Maybe they aren't even big fears. Maybe they are the little fears that only get bigger when you obsess over them. Like my fear of asking for favors from loved ones (where the heck does that come from?) Or my fear of sitting down at my desk to work on my writing (what is that about? I have faith in the writing, so what am I afraid of?)

Oh those little fears. They are monstrous. In my imagination. In reality, they are the size of the little lizards running around the garden. So small that little Ivy could scoop them up and squoosh them with one hug, and probably would if she got her hands on them. But they do keep me a running from the life I really want to live.

If you have ever watched the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you'll remember when Fear, Itself, the dread Gachnar demon was summoned, and it turned out to be no larger than the illustration in the book that warned of it's coming. Stomp. Fear, defeated with one, brave step.

You know, I've been spending a lot of energy lately taking note of all those little things that make me happy in any given day. I've been paying attention, and I have to say, it has helped me in finding the zen in my heart and the ability to deal with challenging situations and has just allowed me to enjoy my life more. But maybe it's time to start thinking about the big picture, the big plan of where I want my life to go. What is the life I want to live and what do I have to do to get there. I think I just need a refresher to keep myself focused on the long range goal, while I am enjoying the small steps I am taking to get there.

I wonder how many fear demons will be defeated with every step on that road?


Natasha said...

First I have to tell you...I LOVE this picture! Adorable! I'm so glad you are including images with your posts.

You speak about something that affects us all...the balancing act. If we focus too long on the little things we will get distracted, we'll think the little things are "life" instead of a portion of life. We have to keep our eye on the big picture - just as you are doing now - and then, like adjusting binoculars, we have to focus and refocus so we see the little things and the big things working toward the life you want.

The editor will always say - you don't have enough, you're not good enough - but we need to ignore him/her, listen to our friend the gut and keep chuggin along. Once you define the big picture dream you can go back and forth like snorkeling from looking at the little to the big picture. You are doing it....and it's so great that you share this journey here.

I have a question, you say yo have faith in the writing but do you have faith in yourself? Or are they one in the same?

I have this - I should be able to do it on my own - thing going's hard to ask for help. I totally get what you are saying.

Sugar said...

Thanks for your honesty and for reminding us of the simple joys of PB&Js and sweet little baby faces.

Rowena said...

Natasha:Faith in myself?

Oddly, I think I do have faith in myself, but I do not have faith in my faith in myself.

Well, I have gotten better at trusting my instincts and allowing my imperfections, but I have less time to tackle the challenges, so let's see if I get farther now that I did before I had kids.

And Sugar, that's the thing about having kids, all of a sudden that's what your life is ABOUT, the little things of living, and it's pay attention and value them, or lose the whole ball of wax! Right?

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