Saturday, June 07, 2008
Again and again today, I am being reminded to pay attention to the little things. This is what life is made up of-- little thing upon little thing, and laid together, that is what makes the material of our lives. Moments. Kisses. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. Butterflies. The drip, drip of the garden after the sprinkler goes off.
Sometimes I have trouble balancing those little things with the big goals.
Oh, that's not true. I'm making stories up. It's not the little things and the big goals that are at cross purposes... it's the big fears. The worries and the anxieties and the "should haves" and the "not good enoughs." The little things and the big goals work together, like music, each note combining with the one in front of and behind it to make the melody. It's the fears that make the music come screeching to a halt and lead me to get all tangled up in my intentions and excuses.
Maybe they aren't even big fears. Maybe they are the little fears that only get bigger when you obsess over them. Like my fear of asking for favors from loved ones (where the heck does that come from?) Or my fear of sitting down at my desk to work on my writing (what is that about? I have faith in the writing, so what am I afraid of?)
Oh those little fears. They are monstrous. In my imagination. In reality, they are the size of the little lizards running around the garden. So small that little Ivy could scoop them up and squoosh them with one hug, and probably would if she got her hands on them. But they do keep me a running from the life I really want to live.
If you have ever watched the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you'll remember when Fear, Itself, the dread Gachnar demon was summoned, and it turned out to be no larger than the illustration in the book that warned of it's coming. Stomp. Fear, defeated with one, brave step.
You know, I've been spending a lot of energy lately taking note of all those little things that make me happy in any given day. I've been paying attention, and I have to say, it has helped me in finding the zen in my heart and the ability to deal with challenging situations and has just allowed me to enjoy my life more. But maybe it's time to start thinking about the big picture, the big plan of where I want my life to go. What is the life I want to live and what do I have to do to get there. I think I just need a refresher to keep myself focused on the long range goal, while I am enjoying the small steps I am taking to get there.
I wonder how many fear demons will be defeated with every step on that road?