Thursday, August 21, 2008

NO PICTURES

This week I have:
  • Gotten angry at my mother
  • Gone to the museum with the kids, my mom and my step nephew
  • Lost my camera
  • Thrown my back out from stress, probably
  • Had some financial set backs (two, maybe three)
  • Started potty training of the boy, again
  • Freaked out over a hurricane that was predicted to go right over our heads
  • Hurt my back again, due to my constant need to bend down, pick up kids, clean up messes on the floor, move toys, etc.
  • Watched the hurricane/tropical storm miss us completely
  • Needed to spend naps laying down to protect my back
  • Been really cranky and moody
This is why I have not written for a little while. Mostly the last one, probably.

I've been trying to figure out what it all might mean. Why, whenever I seem to gain some forward momentum do I keep getting bogged down?

Is there meaning behind it at all, or is it just random happenings that I put meaning on to? I don't believe that the universe/fate/god/thepowersthatbe would be so micromanaging as to cause me to lose my camera to learn a lesson, or send me in another direction or have me reach a new direction or whatever.

But perhaps ther is something about dealing with these setbacks that creates the life that you live. There's no way to avoid struggle and pain, right? If you were to avoid it at all costs, then you might find that you go nowhere, do nothing. Ever. If we try to avoid the pain, we just cause other problems, probably worse ones.

So what do we do when we are faced with obstacles? Do we give up? Do we shift to something else? Do we take a step back and take care of our wounds? Do we try to find new ways around the obstacle? Do we prove to ourselves how much we really want our goals and break down those walls, find a ladder and climb over, open a window, squeeze through a mouse hole?

Does our reaction to obstacles-- rather than the good fortune we receive-- actually define our lives and who we are? I have the sneaking suspicion that is so. And if it is, then we really are the authors of our own destiny, aren't we? There is no external divinity with agency in our lives. Our faith, perhaps can help us in our choices, but we are the ones who make who we are and where we end up.

With that in mind, I am looking for the things that happened/occurred to me this week, inspite of or because of my obstacles.
  • I talked to S about our finances in order to get things on a more proactive path.
  • S agreed that it was important for me to have a new camera, possibly even a better one, and has managed a way to get it done.
  • I have had three separate conversations with people who barely or don't know me about some things I can do for money. And that these came up when I was not expecting it means to me I am not as STOPPED in my goals as I was feeling.
  • I realized that I could try for grants to fund my creative life. How? I don't know, but it is a possibility if I take my career seriously.
  • I realized that I can try to read tarot again. Yes. I read tarot cards, but the kids have made it very difficult to pursue that. Talking to someone, I realized again that I do know what I am doing and have something to share with people. I could also do this online or over email, I believe. Must think about the logistics. Actually, on line/email might mean I can do it around my kids, instead of needing a babysitter to do it.
  • My back is my back, and the only thing I can do to make it better is to actually RELAX. That means not feeling anxious because I am not doing anything and so staying yoked to the computer doing nothing instead of accepting that I should do nothing. That's right. I SHOULD BE DOING NOTHING. I NEED A BREAK! Messages from the body, I guess.
  • I was inspired by Dragonfly Reflections to paint a picture about my memories of childhood which just happen to include my sister and that lead to an inspiration to do a series of these, and that lead to a realization that perhaps I need to remember the good times with my sister and not just the stupid fights and the other things I won't mention because I am trying to release them.
  • Perhaps that while my camera is gone, I should focus on organizing my archives and finding other ways to get images on line, like getting my uncle to show me his scanner so I can do that, or figuring out how to post images from the web. Yes I am that bad at technology. I don't know.
Well, this feels really long winded. I know there is more that I am learning from this bout with my tidal wave. Still learning to ride it. I'd like to remember a little more of the good while I am getting tossed about, but perhaps there are no should be's and I should just accept that it is what it is and have faith that soon I will get my bearings and will start moving forward again.

4 comments:

D'Arcy said...

All the ways of dealing with obstacles that you mentioned are ways I deal too. It's NEVER the same way twice....no matter HOW WISE I think I am. I still cry, I still get angry, I still get depressed, I still eat too much ice cream, I still lie around sad, I still do all these things that the world will tell you gets NO results. I have to have time though, eventually I pull out of it, I get on with it, i face things again, eventually.....but I can't be rushed or forced..even if it's not healthy for me. I just gained ten pounds in the past two weeks because of the breakup, because I needed to lie around and cry and I needed to eat cheetos and I needed to watch old reruns of Sex and the City because I COULDN'T bare to do anything else....

then, Monday, i knew I was done. I knew it was over and I knew i could go back to the gym and eat salads and loose the ten pounds and not beat myself up about it....i have a cycle, and I can't force myself out of it or things don't heal right for me.


I would love my cards read by you, I've been thinking I needed another reading lately...

love you!

Sugar said...

I love how you processed this in front of all of us... so raw... so awesome...

It's amazing to see the human spirit overcome an obstacle. And while I don't think God was trying to lead you in a different direction, I think (at least what I saw from my little place way over here... so I could be wrong) was a woman who really really wants something and who has figured out how to keep pursuing that dream. That was the awesome part. Sometimes, I'm thankful for little setbacks. It gives me a moment to relax, plan, think, reimagine...

I was off line for several days. I have created my own little financial setbacks. Darn. Anyway, I was really missing your writings as well as those of others. I'm so thankful to have the chance to catch up with you. And to see you following the sun. Thanks!

mapelba said...

Hey, work on that first novel you keep telling me about!

Keep creating. Keep on keeping on, as some say. You know all that.

And just for the record--I used to read Tarot cards. I miss them so. And never ask me about potty training. It is too painful.

Good luck and a happy universe.

Kate Lord Brown said...

We could form a sisterhood - cronky backs, potty training and tarot (though have just sold my cards :) I read a great quote from Jane Austen on the wall of the bookstore the other day - there are more answers within ourselves than without if only we would listen. Good advice.

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