Friday, September 02, 2005

It Is

This has been the hardest entry to write.

I keep wanting to talk about how I've decided to pay attention to all the good things I have in my life, instead of the things I am lacking, but every time I start, my brain can do nothing but whir around all the absences and failures.

Why is it so hard to live your life in blessings?

We've all got them, right? Maybe they're not huge things, but everyone can at least have a good cup of coffee in the morning, right? Or a butterfly fluttering about? Or a dramatic sunset?

How often do we ignore the things that make us happy, or could make us happy if we paid attention to them and gave them the value they deserve?

How often do we pay attention to our lives as they are, right now, this instant?

I know I don't. I pay attention only to what is missing, and it's killing me. I'm so freaking worried that I won't ever be able to be a writer, that I don't have the stuff, that I don't have the will. I'm terrified that I'm losing my identity in being a mother. I'm afraid that the task of being who I want to be is going to get eaten up by the niggling worries of washing the dishes and feeding the cats and sweeping the floor-- or more precisely, how bad I am at doing all those things.

My life has turned into this negative. My life has turned into this aching jaw full of tension.

And I'm missing out on this life that I've kind of wanted since I was fifteen-- being a mother.

I'm there for my baby, and I give him attention and love and all those things I need and want to give him, but I'm not there in the moment. I'm always thinking about what is next to do.

This isn't happiness.

But it could be. The elements of happiness are all in place. All it will take is for me to pay attention to this that is my life. THIS is my life. Not all the things I want but don't have. And certainly not the television playing non stop, a drug that allows time to pass without any effort on my part. No. This right here.

Pay attention, Rowena, to the baby sleeping next to me on the couch, allowing me to sort through all this in writing. Pay attention to the sunset lighting the tree outside my window. Pay attention to Sean, and his joy in his son and his family. Pay attention to how creating, whether in words or in pictures, makes you happy.

Pay attention to your life, and pay attention to all that it is.


Anonymous said...

don't pay attention to those just trying to sell insurance and stuff...i am reading your blog and you are already a writer, reaching people like me. this entry was moving and truthful. i'm looking forward to reading more. thanks. ps it's hard being a mom!

Anonymous said...

We all go through this as mothers and as creative people. I've felt like I forgot what made me me when I was home with the kids. Motherhood is an amazing thing but it is not going to fill the intellectual and artistic needs you have. That shouldn't make you feel guilty and it doesn't make you a bad mother. And the fact that you can't always live in the moment but wander into your dreams is what makes you creative.

Ditto to the person are already a writer.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog two days back and loved your style of writing. So here I am reading it right from the start. I just love love love how you write from the heart. I have felt all these feelings being a mom myself. But you are the one who has put them into words for me. It is helping me better understand my own feelings. Please keep writing as I am loving reading it!

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