A few days ago, we went to get our sonogram. Sean actually came with me, although he grumbled and complained about having to go. It's funny, but, at the beginning, he was like, "no way. That's woman stuff. I don't want to have anything to do with it, it's your job." But either that's just his hair trigger response to anything feminine, and he thought better of it, or he's getting advice from all the guys at work, all of them family men. Chances are it's a combination of both.
So we saw the little monkey on screen. They always talk about how you may not be able to see anything, it's just a blur-- but for us it was crystal clear, right away. Wierd. There's a baby inside of me, not just indigestion. Right away there was this great profile shot, as if the kid was saying, "hi there, take a picture of me." You could see fingers and toes-- ten of each. Everything looked in order.
More than the still shots, was when the technician ran the wand over the baby, and you could see everything taking form, like when you have single shots in a cartoon and they flip together to make a moving form. With this, as the wand went over all the 2D images, they blurred together leaving the impression of a 3D form. Cool. Strange. It's amazing what technology can do.
Then the technician asked if we wanted to know the sex, and I looked at Sean. He'd been dragging about that, changing his mind a couple of times, even though I wanted to know. But again, he said okay, and she told us it was a boy.
First thing Sean said was, "the next great Yankees center fielder."
So what I was convinced was going to be a girl, is actually going to be a boy. I'm glad we found that out, because I was really uncomfortable with the possibility that my certainty would be wrong and I would be bonding to a supposed girl until a little wiggly popped out. Then it would just be wierd.
Okay, so I didn't mean to do all the gushy-girl pregnant lady stuff, obsessed with babies, but there was a point to this. See, somehow, once I'd had the sonogram, I guess something clicked. It might have been that we found out everything seems okay. I can't actually believe that this whole process is going the way it's supposed to. I couldn't believe that I actually WORK.
I started going on line for baby supplies, starting a registry. I don't know it may just be playing, pretend shopping, kind of, but just looking at baby boy clothes and cribs and toys and all that makes it more real. I also finally sent out a mass email to all the people I'd lost contact with, told them about moving in with Sean, being pregnant, having a son. Fifteen minutes after I sent it, I got a phone call from one student, and then another, and then later that night a whole bunch of emails from friends.
See-- I do have friends.
So, maybe one of the reasons I have been so out of touch with everyone was because I was actually in a holding pattern. I know that early on, I didn't know if I would end up carrying to term. Who ever does, and that was one of the reasons I was holding back. Later on, there was always the "what if". What if there was something wrong? What if I had to... well, not have it? And maybe I was also trying to comprehend for myself that there was someone completely separate from me growing inside of me.
I'm telling you, I find it hard to comprehend that women have always done this. It's bizarre process. Something from nothing. Some alien being sucking energy from your body. Who invented this? Wouldn't leaving a clutch of eggs under a leaf make more sense. We could come back when the kid was ready and pick it up. That would work just as well, wouldn't it?