Have you notice how life goes in cycles? It goes up it goes down. It goes back up.
It goes down again.
Whenever I find myself on a roll in achieving my goals, in getting a hold of my focus again, in being productive and in facing the fears and in writing in my novel and painting my paintings and in taking care of my kids in a loving and creative manner... well, it is just inevitable that roll comes to a stumbling halt.
Or maybe it's not really halting, maybe it's just kind of hiccuping and limping a little.
I have been heading down into a funk. Oh yeah. I've been kind of angry about it, because I've been working so hard on staying positive and being creative and facing the fears and all. Well, funks suck, right? Funkity funk. And then getting angry and upset over it makes the funk worse.
I brought my laptop into a new room today so that I could work on my novel, I pulled up the file, and I just sat there with tears in my eyes and cotton filling my head. I ended up playing spider solitaire for about 15 minutes, before giving up and going back on line to browse.
I thought about starting a fight with S, even though he is in NY right now. Well, not really starting a fight, but bringing up my funkity funk feelings when I know he can't really do anything about it from where he is.
I thought about going to take a nap and recharge my batteries so that I would have the energy to tackle it all, but I often feel worse after naps, so I blew that off too.
In the end, I yelled at my kids too much and let them watch some PBS and started dinner late and felt sorry for myself. I even made bedtime about 15 minutes early because I just needed a time out, and had no other way to get one than bedtime.
But in the end, two things made me feel better.
At bedtime, Mama picked the bedtime story. I read them The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss. I enjoyed it. I could feel my tension slipping away as I rhymed and sing-songed my way through it. Sometimes I don't even need to read the words, they just come out of my mouth automatically.
The second thing that made me feel better is when I sat down to write this post, full of anxiety again, and then I read what I wrote for my first sentence and I said, "yeah. That's right. This is part of the process." All of a sudden the anxiety evaporated as I remembered what I already know. You struggle, you fall, you struggle, you fall. This is how we grow.
And sometimes it hurts.
You are the wave. Ever look in the mirror and wave at yourself? Hi, Rowena! Ride it, baby.
ReplyDeleteHi Rowena. That's a very introspective post. It resonates deeply with me too....
ReplyDeleteI've learned quite a few lessons during low or funky times. Let me share them with you...
1. I've realized that there is a flow to things and the challenge is to be able to trust that flow no matter how sordid or horrible it is as of the moment. I've learned to accept what is instead of resisting what is or trying to find what is not there. It's exciting to ride the wave with grace and optimism because that funky moment too shall pass.
2. Fear is really the greatest obstacle and I've learned to make friends with it. Perhaps fear is there to teach me something about myself which other wise I wouldn't have discovered.
3. I've learned to stop being too hard on myself when goals are not achieved. Perhaps there are some gears to be readjusted or the situation has changed, so it's great to make appropriate changes so I can begin where I left off.
I say keep doing what you love to do! Keep on with your novel, your writing, your photography! Perhaps some great ideas are incubating while you are in your so-called funky moments.
Sending good vibes your way!
I don't even dare to take out my novel. It's too sad. I am a blank canvas in my mind right now about that. I go in waves too, right now it's painting, soon I'll have no desire or creativity for that and I'll get into writing.
ReplyDeleteRiding the waves as well.
But love that you are too, and that you pulled yourself out of it!
It's all fear...it hits me, I ride the wave, I think of starting an arguement because I want someone to feel what I feel and get and hold me and say it'll be ok. I duke it out with myself in my head and then feel good, better, cleared from the clutter but ultimately all it is, is the editor, the one who reminds us we're not good enough but to that I shout, "The UNIVERSE is ENORMOUS and there is enough room for me to bring my creative toys to play. Period."
ReplyDeleteI send you a hug ...be kind to you today, brave sharing warrior :)
I'm so late in responding to these, because of the funk that I think was stress and exhaustion, but it is so wonderful to read your wonderful words and know that you understand and that you, too are on this same wave sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWe are not alone.