Pregnancy and Pervology (edited to change a title that brought too many pervs to my blog. )

So here I am, in 2005, pregnant and working part time in the porn industry.

What?! Is it a new sub-genre?

No, no. I'm working for a mail order DVD company. I sort and label porn movies so they can go out via snail mail to horny folks all over the country.

It's kinda wierd. I don't really know what to think about it, except for the fact that I need some money, even if it isn't very much money at all.

Usually, I don't even pay attention to the fact that what I'm sorting is pornography, but then the guys I work with will start talking about it. Nothing graphic, but it just reminds me. And then there are the titles, and the DVD covers. "Barely Legal 39" "Asian Street Hookers 16," "Brazilian Booty 27" And those are the not-raunchy titles.

I might be getting porn brain. Not the sex acts-- I don't actually watch the movies. I don't actually want to, but it's just the descriptions on the labels. They get my brain going. Like, I saw a preview for this new reality show, "Super Nanny," where some Mary Poppins goes into out of control families, and says things like, "You've been very, very naughty." In a proper English accent, of course. All I could imagine was the nanny in thigh highs and stilettos, holding a riding crop. "You've been very, very naughty. You must be punished." A new film called, maybe... "Super Dirty Nanny."

I have to laugh some times. It's funny. I work at a porn company. I work at a porn company. What the hell am I doing there? Oh yeah, trying to keep Sean and I off the street. At least it's an intriguing job. Well, no, I lie. It's boring as hell. Repetitive. I've only been there three days, and already I'm as fast as the other guys. My eight years working in school libraries have apparently served me in good stead. I can put things in numerical order!

And yet, I can't help wondering about the women who would star in these movies. I don't think girls without serious issues end up doing porn movies. I just don't. Maybe people like the idea that the girls are just sex crazy, it's certain more pleasant to believe that than to face that most of those women have been neglected, abused, raped, whatever.

I'm working there because I need money. I'm working there because I can't bear to go back into the restaurant industry-- I've realized I'm done with it. I can't go back to teaching because that will be it for my life, just teaching. I can't even substitute because I know I will get sucked back into teaching because it's safe and because I care too much. I'm working at this wacko shit job because I need to be a writer. I need to focus on it. I need to be real. I can't be distracted by any job.

Ofcourse, I don't need a job to be distracted. I can distract myself single handedly.