Standing Still and Dreams

Standing Still/Porch Steps

I took out my camera to take a picture of Ivy riding her bike, and when I turned it on, this is the image I saw in the screen. I said, hells yeah, and snapped a picture. I loved all the textures, the different colors of gray, the leaves, the slippers, and then my constant companions, a journal and my big honking bag.

And then when I was looking for a work of art to post today, I was choosing between two paintings, (yes I have a back log of paintings) one of which I like better, and then this one

Standing Still/Flying Girl

acrylic on paper, 8x5"

I said, it's the same thing.

Standing still, grounding oneself, and still managing to fly.

This is the tension of life, my life, at least. Finding a way to be grounded in the every day living while still letting the imagination fly, while still being creative. A balance between ideas and reality. The dance of the dreams and the what-is.

I can't say I've mastered this dance. I'm still learning the steps. And these steps keep changing. Always new ones to learn.

How do you manage to balance the real world with your dreams?

Cells and Building Blocks

Cells and Building Blocks

pencil, pen, watercolor on paper

5/26

For the last six years, I have been struggling to remember who I am. Where I want to go. What I really want to do with my life. My art.

This is confusing, because I am who I am, even in this time of kids and jobs and housekeeping and normal every day living. I am living my life and I am thankful for the life that I have, but at the same time... it's really hard to maintain focus when there are so many things pulling on you.

This is a different way of living than it was when I was single and had all my free time to devote to writing, art and dreams. Now, half the time, I am still devoting time to writing, art and dreams... but it's the writing, art and dreams of my kids. I don't mean that metaphorically. Working with G on his school work and practicing writing. Setting up projects and helping the kids in their painting, plays, music performances and other creative outbursts (also cleaning up from said creative outbursts). And dealing with nightmares, midnight wakings, bedtime routines, as well as the kids adventures in discovering their own dreams for themselves.

A fully worthy focus.

Except I can't help feeling frustrated at my inability to keep up with my personal goals.

As usual, this blog is about recovering, maintaining and exploring my creative goals. Since the very beginning, when I was trying to get back to being creative after having two kids, this is what it was. But I am creative again. I've found my voice again. Now I want to be heard.

This is a different journey, although a continuation. And I am writing this while the back of my mind ruminates over the bad chapter that I am revising in my novel. I want this book done. I want to finish my synopsis and send it out with my query letters. I want to get OUT in the world.

You'd figure if I really wanted to have my voice heard, I would post more than once a week, but like I said, it is hard to keep my focus in this busy world of living. I guess it is for everyone. And the only way I know to reach for those seemingly unreachable and frustratingly close goals is to take baby steps.

To paint one journal entry.

To write one extra blog entry this week (this makes 2 this week!)

To spend an hour before work (or after or at bedtime or whenever) revising my novel

To carry my "How to Write a Synopsis" book with me and read it whenever I get 15 minutes

To add another print to my etsy shop

To crochet a granny square or two while watching SYTYCD (it's back on, yay!)

To slowly work on organizing my workspace

To take notes on my synopsis in those slow moments at work

To have an artist date with my daughter where we can both paint and draw

To take photos whenever the need strikes me

To never give up on those things I really want, even when my efforts seem useless and it seems I have been working on them for an eternity without much progress, to never give up

To believe and remember and commit even though it's not perfect or easy

To never give up.

I said that part a lot. Never give up. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, wondering if all these years of effort are worth it. But I guess I decided it is.

I'm still at it.

You don't give up, either.

Believe/Grounded

Believe/Grounded

paper, pencil, acrylic paint

8.5 x5"

This morning I sat down to draw with a couple of things in my head for inspirations. One of them here, and one of them here.

But what came out was this painting. Why? What does it mean? I meant it to mean, "I am trying to stay grounded," but as I painted, I got a feeling of anxiety and oppression. Not what I was intending.

And then I began to see the hatchmarks not as time passing, which sometimes is what it feels, but words. Words on a page, words in a book, words spoken and heard. Ideas made real.

And then I thought of this "write one word over and over" prompt from Wreck this Journal. And I had somewhere to go with this piece that wasn't oppressive. I still feel like there might be room on the opposite journal page for words or even color, but right now, this is where I am.

I like this piece. Hope does come out of darkness, you see.

Rock/Rain

A gratuitous photo, because somehow, the painting feels like stone to me, and perhaps some rain. And I took this photo right after I made the painting. And there's nothing like a rock for being grounded.

Of Writers and Divas

La Diva Airstream, articulated paper doll

giclee print, mini brads, ~8.5" high

I've printed out, cut out and assembled my La Diva paper doll. I just wanted to show you how cool she turned out when all put together. I still think she needs a frilly apron, and now a vintage camera, but there wasn't room on the paper when I was drawing. Those "new style" skirts take up a lot of material... fabric and/or paper.

She is far more glam than I will ever be, but I am glad that she was commissioned, because I love her.

I've also put her up for sale in my shop. Finally. I'm trying to get my back log up in there, but there's so much I get overwhelmed. So it's an achievement to put her together, do a photo shoot, edit, and list. And then go and write a post! Geez.

So tell me to stop feel like I'm cheating for putting the same piece up two posts in a row. I already feel guilty for letting my once daily blog slip to once weekly if I'm lucky.
The Writer, Altar Ego, close up of articulated paper doll

giclee, paper, mini brads, 8" tall

And here's a reminder about The Writer. She's up in my shop, too. How exciting. Two new things. And she also serves as a constant reminder to myself that I am working on my novel, however slowly, even if it's just researching the query process.

I also started some polymer clay beads last night, while watching Glee, which I just love. It's an experimental process, but I want a new necklace, so I brought out my clay.

I hope your processes are continuing on. I hope you're not too hard on yourself when you don't get as far as you'd like. I hope you're letting your alter egos out to play sometimes. It's good to play sometimes.

La Diva Airstream/Altar Ego (unassembled)

La Diva Airstream, unassembled articulated paper doll

acrylic paint, pencil, recycled menu

4"x8"

I created this paper doll as a commission, after showing a friend my Writer doll (who is hanging up above my desk with her coffee and manuscript). She wanted a present for her mother on Mother's Day. I whipped it up in a couple of days and assembled it for her as a test. It worked well, and was well received. Alas, I was on such a tight deadline that I forgot to take a picture of the doll once assembled. I am going to have to print up another one to show you. Now I think I want to finish up the other dolls I have, print them up and put them on my etsy shop. Because they are pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

My writer girl keeps reminding me that I should be writing. Sadly, I have not had the opportunity. I keep thinking I should be able to, and then... poof. Yesterday, I wanted to take all day, since I was off both work and childcare, but the power cord to my computer went poof and I spent all morning freaking out, then all afternoon looking for a replacement, then all evening in a funk over where my writing day went. Not productive.

So this morning, half an hour before heading off to work, I wanted to check in here. I know I haven't been writing very often, but I've at least been trying to maintain a once a week presence.

I discovered something interesting though, when I popped into blogger. They now have stats built into the blog system. Who knew? I checked mine out, and found that my most popular entry of all time is this one. Most popular by far. I have no idea how people are finding it, but I read it through and it's a good one. One I should probably listen to. It's decided me on going back to a creativity log, which I have basically been ignoring for the last, oh, couple years. Sometimes I find that I am smarter in the past than I am in the present. Luckily, I have some of my smartness documented on this here blog, so when I get stupid, I can review it and go, "Oh yeah! That works. That's a good idea! Hey, I was pretty smart, but I sure am dumb now." (That last part is probably not productive.)

Why do I do that? Find a system that works and then get lazy? Because I really need this creativity log to keep track of all the various projects and responsibilities that I have.

Perhaps life is continually about making adjustments in what works. I've been wanting to get a writing practice going in the morning before I go to work, but am finding that I am so used to allowing myself the slow waking period, that my time is gone before I know it.

Oh no. I think I have to get up earlier. Oh, drat.

Well, this goes to show that when you want to be an artist of any type, you often have to sacrifice something to the gods of creativity. Lazy mornings. Social life. Money. Well, maybe not, but those are things I have sacrificed.

Ok. Enough talk of sacrifice. Let's get back to focusing on what is done, what has worked, what we have accomplished.

When I begin a new creativity log, I am going to make the new categories like this:

Me (I wanted to skip this, but it is important to remember yourself, particularly when you are a mom)

Writing

Art

Home

Kids

Business (blog and etsy)

Well, maybe that's how I might organize it. I will get back to you when I've actually started using it. I hope I actually start using it.

On another note, I was wondering if any of you had suggestions for new Altar Ego paper dolls. What part of you wants to show up in doll form? What role do you want to remember in a visual manner? I'm working on an artist doll, and a yogini. I think maybe a punk/rockstar might be on the horizon, too. It's fun to draw these girls, and fun to see them come to life when I pin them together. I don't know what it is about the articulated design that just makes them pop, but pop they do.

The Writer/Altar Ego

The Writer, Articulated Paper Doll

card stock, pencil, acrylic paint, mini brads

about 8" tall

I made myself a paper doll to remind myself of who I want to be. Who I am. Oh she's me, no doubt. The kids found her when she was still in progress and carried her around, having conversations with her, "Hi mommy. Are you going to drink coffee now?" She has accessories, like her manuscript and her cup of joe. Obviously, she's busy revising. Or she can pick up her laptop and notebook and get some first draft work done. Or, she can take her journal, pens and pencils and do some process work.

Sometimes I feel like my other roles take over the parts of me that I really want to focus on. I mean, it's springtime and the kids are cute and I have jobs to do, but I don't want to lose my focus on the long range goals. So I make little reminders for myself. Right now, she's hanging over my desk, on a piece of black embroidery floss. She's like my little alter ego. Or maybe she's my altar ego. A little altar to that part of me.

Who are the parts of you that you need to be reminded of? Who is the you inside of you that needs to get out more?

Patience

Patience

ink, watercolor pencil, paper

(can you see the little green buds?)

Ahh, my friends. This process of revising, of getting my head on straight, of organizing my ideas and regaining my creativity? It takes a lot longer than I would like.

The world does not become what you want it to, just because you decide it should be that way.

For that matter, it's not just creative projects.

My kids do not clean up after themselves, no matter how much I want them to keep track of their game pieces or put their books in the book shelf. And the economy does not improve just because I have decided that I am done being at its mercy.

And again, spring does not come just because I am sick of winter.

It is cold and cold and cold, and there's a warm day, and then the snows come, and then it's cold and there's a warm day, and the snowdrops sprout, but not the daffodils, and then the grass blooms, but not the trees, and then it snows again, and then it melts and then the rain comes and comes and comes and comes. And it really seems like it will never be green, and never be bright and never be warm.

But spring comes when it is ready. Spring comes when it has gone through its own process that may or may not be frustrating to us. And then the skies are blue and the trees bud and the tulips smile, and spring is here, it's really here.

Whatever it is you want to develop, whether it is that novel, or that art, or those children or that love or that business, or that stability... it comes in its own process. We work. We strive. We keep at it and never give up, and when it's ready, in its own process, it will bloom.

And we should remember to love it, whatever it blooms into.

Believe

Believe

acrylic, fabric sample remnant, paper

8x5"

Quick post while dinner is in the oven.

Sometimes, I get an idea that has to be done right then... but I don't have the materials that match my vision. So I search around until I find something that feels right and then I see what happens. This is one such case.

I think this girl looks a little more modern. I don't know what that means, except maybe in this modern world, we get caught up in the daily expectations and understandings and forget to believe in our pasts, our selves, our dreams.

I've also been thinking about National Poetry Month. I agreed to write a poem a day, but you know, I've been feeling these drawings and paintings are somewhat like poems. I've only written about 3 or 4 poems this month, but that's more than last month. So I'm good.

I am trying not to put myself to such a demanding challenge as a painting a day or a poem a day. I am thinking I'd like to revise five pages a day, but that's just because I want to finish this novel and stop putting it off. I'd like to do more than that, but I'll take 5 pages.

I don't want to burn out. I don't want to expect so much of myself that I can't help but fail. I want to allow myself a natural growth and exploration that might come with time to think about projects or down time or revisions.

So in that spirit, I've started writing poetry, I've done a half dozen or more paintings of a new journey. I've revised 33 or some pages. That's in only a couple of weeks. A little gentler on myself.

I'm trying not to equate my goodness with my production. I have a life to live, you know, not just a quota to make. I am not an art making machine.

I should draw that... an art making machine. That would be funny.

How are you managing your life/work/creating balance? Are you making yourself into a machine, or giving yourself a chance to live?

Three Grounded Girls, Paint, Ink, Pencil

Spring (Grounded Girl Holds Still)

4/11/11

acrylic, paper, 5"x8"

Well, I've taken out my paints.

Grounded Girl is a bonafide "THING". I don't know how long she'll last (Flying Girl lasted a couple of years and honestly isn't quite done yet) but she's here now.

I feel an upswelling of something with her, so I'm going to go with it.

Oddly, Spring was inspired by this painting, by Shaun Downey. Don't ask me how it turned into what it turned into. It just did.

Made of Rain (Grounded Girl is Part Of It All)

4/9/11

Ink and Paper 8x5"

This Grounded Girl came a few days before. It was raining. I think. Or maybe it was not. The hatchmarks feel like days passing, like rain, or like breaths. Or maybe not. I had the idea that the dark background would have the same kind of hatchmarks, but in white, and she would be one and the same, kind of like a part of the universe, but I worked so hard on that background and it came out so nice and texturey that I decided I was going to let it stay and let that girl exist the way she is.

Idea (Wild Grounded Girl)

4/7/11

Pencil, Paper 8x5"

A couple of days before, I drew this one. Good old pencil. Like back when I was a student or first learning how to draw delicate work. I don't do a lot of delicate work now. I have a tendency to go too far towards "pretty" drawing, or so I feel, and I often try to go back the other way with rougher or wilder gestures. But the truth is, the pretty is a part of me, and perhaps I should go with it, instead of trying to go against type and be "serious" and deep. If I could find a way to manage both pretty and serious, I might be quite happy with myself.

Shh. I don't want any of you who know me to start nodding your head as if you have just psychoanalyzed my personality.

I'm just going to go with it, and not over analyze. I'm going with the flow and seeing what comes out.

Speaking of, I have revised/rewritten about 18 pages this week. Yay me. It's been a long time, and I think I have finally gotten to pay attention to the writing itself, not just the structure or the story. Put in a little of my "pretty" if you will.

And if my blogging rhythm is off, down from my usual three or four posts to only one a week, well, it's just because I am wrapped up in spring cleaning and working and kids and cooking and writing and painting. And I'm not pushing myself to paint every day or blog every day or even write every day. I'm just going with my flow, and committing to the work, and seeing where it leads me.

I do intend to put some prints of these in the shop, but I am a little bit behind in that area. I've got quite a back log of work. I was hoping to get my new camera first, so I could take better pictures, but the flow has had other ideas. Oh well.

Where is your flow leading you, lately?

Grounded and Acknowledged

Home (Grounded Girl in Wonderland)

ink, vintage book page

4/4/11

I have been trying to get my mojo back, and it's pretty hard.

As you can see, I have been slacking on my blog. I have actually been creating more than I've been posting, so I have a back log of art and crafts... although I probably won't show some of it, because it kind of... well, some of it is more about the moment than the lasting meaning of it.
Spring/Days/Rain (Grounded Girl)

4/2/11

watercolor and paper

I kind of like the way this theme is developing. I don't know where it's going. But I think it says something about my state of mind. After all those flying girls, I feel the need to get out of my head and get grounded in the real world.

How does one develop a theme if one doesn't have extended periods of time and concentration to really get to work on them, like one would if one were a "serious" full time artist?
Sky/Land/Sea (Grounded Girl)

pencil paper

4/2/11

I guess one does what I do. Keep a journal. Try to remember to draw, paint, sketch. Let the ideas come to you, and then actually work on them.

I do know that when I am trying to get my creativity going, it helps me to keep things small and portable. Small to keep the pressure down. Portable to allow me to create wherever the inspiration strikes.

Another thing that helps grow creativity, that I have yet to develop this turn around, is to have a creative routine.

I'm trying to write in my journal every morning with my coffee, instead of sit on the computer. I did this yesterday and it was great. I wrote a multitude of pages in my journal. I got a lot of thoughts out of this busy head, and frustrations, too. I wrote a poem, because I am trying to write a poem a day in this month of Poetry. I drew the top Grounded Girl. I wrote a poem. I decide to tell S. that I needed to get back to my novel writing as a serious endeavor, like a real job. And he agreed. In fact, after work today, I am going to have a few hours to myself, without kid duty, and I am going to work on my fourth draft. I am going to get back to business.

Felt Medals

felt and thread.

So in honor of my accomplishments in getting back into the swing of things (even though I am not there yet) I am giving myself these medals.

I made them for my kids. The "cool" one for a boy who is a Cool Writer, and is bravely struggling through his perfectionism and struggles with fine motor skills. For the "Ivy" it is for a girl who is learning to be helpful and responsible.

Are you acknowledging your own successes, even though you don't feel like you have gotten where you want to go yet? It's the small steps that lead to the big accomplishments. Are you paying attention to how far you are getting each time you try to take one baby step?

Give yourself a treat. Say it's from me.