Patience

Patience

ink, watercolor pencil, paper

(can you see the little green buds?)

Ahh, my friends. This process of revising, of getting my head on straight, of organizing my ideas and regaining my creativity? It takes a lot longer than I would like.

The world does not become what you want it to, just because you decide it should be that way.

For that matter, it's not just creative projects.

My kids do not clean up after themselves, no matter how much I want them to keep track of their game pieces or put their books in the book shelf. And the economy does not improve just because I have decided that I am done being at its mercy.

And again, spring does not come just because I am sick of winter.

It is cold and cold and cold, and there's a warm day, and then the snows come, and then it's cold and there's a warm day, and the snowdrops sprout, but not the daffodils, and then the grass blooms, but not the trees, and then it snows again, and then it melts and then the rain comes and comes and comes and comes. And it really seems like it will never be green, and never be bright and never be warm.

But spring comes when it is ready. Spring comes when it has gone through its own process that may or may not be frustrating to us. And then the skies are blue and the trees bud and the tulips smile, and spring is here, it's really here.

Whatever it is you want to develop, whether it is that novel, or that art, or those children or that love or that business, or that stability... it comes in its own process. We work. We strive. We keep at it and never give up, and when it's ready, in its own process, it will bloom.

And we should remember to love it, whatever it blooms into.

Believe

Believe

acrylic, fabric sample remnant, paper

8x5"

Quick post while dinner is in the oven.

Sometimes, I get an idea that has to be done right then... but I don't have the materials that match my vision. So I search around until I find something that feels right and then I see what happens. This is one such case.

I think this girl looks a little more modern. I don't know what that means, except maybe in this modern world, we get caught up in the daily expectations and understandings and forget to believe in our pasts, our selves, our dreams.

I've also been thinking about National Poetry Month. I agreed to write a poem a day, but you know, I've been feeling these drawings and paintings are somewhat like poems. I've only written about 3 or 4 poems this month, but that's more than last month. So I'm good.

I am trying not to put myself to such a demanding challenge as a painting a day or a poem a day. I am thinking I'd like to revise five pages a day, but that's just because I want to finish this novel and stop putting it off. I'd like to do more than that, but I'll take 5 pages.

I don't want to burn out. I don't want to expect so much of myself that I can't help but fail. I want to allow myself a natural growth and exploration that might come with time to think about projects or down time or revisions.

So in that spirit, I've started writing poetry, I've done a half dozen or more paintings of a new journey. I've revised 33 or some pages. That's in only a couple of weeks. A little gentler on myself.

I'm trying not to equate my goodness with my production. I have a life to live, you know, not just a quota to make. I am not an art making machine.

I should draw that... an art making machine. That would be funny.

How are you managing your life/work/creating balance? Are you making yourself into a machine, or giving yourself a chance to live?

Three Grounded Girls, Paint, Ink, Pencil

Spring (Grounded Girl Holds Still)

4/11/11

acrylic, paper, 5"x8"

Well, I've taken out my paints.

Grounded Girl is a bonafide "THING". I don't know how long she'll last (Flying Girl lasted a couple of years and honestly isn't quite done yet) but she's here now.

I feel an upswelling of something with her, so I'm going to go with it.

Oddly, Spring was inspired by this painting, by Shaun Downey. Don't ask me how it turned into what it turned into. It just did.

Made of Rain (Grounded Girl is Part Of It All)

4/9/11

Ink and Paper 8x5"

This Grounded Girl came a few days before. It was raining. I think. Or maybe it was not. The hatchmarks feel like days passing, like rain, or like breaths. Or maybe not. I had the idea that the dark background would have the same kind of hatchmarks, but in white, and she would be one and the same, kind of like a part of the universe, but I worked so hard on that background and it came out so nice and texturey that I decided I was going to let it stay and let that girl exist the way she is.

Idea (Wild Grounded Girl)

4/7/11

Pencil, Paper 8x5"

A couple of days before, I drew this one. Good old pencil. Like back when I was a student or first learning how to draw delicate work. I don't do a lot of delicate work now. I have a tendency to go too far towards "pretty" drawing, or so I feel, and I often try to go back the other way with rougher or wilder gestures. But the truth is, the pretty is a part of me, and perhaps I should go with it, instead of trying to go against type and be "serious" and deep. If I could find a way to manage both pretty and serious, I might be quite happy with myself.

Shh. I don't want any of you who know me to start nodding your head as if you have just psychoanalyzed my personality.

I'm just going to go with it, and not over analyze. I'm going with the flow and seeing what comes out.

Speaking of, I have revised/rewritten about 18 pages this week. Yay me. It's been a long time, and I think I have finally gotten to pay attention to the writing itself, not just the structure or the story. Put in a little of my "pretty" if you will.

And if my blogging rhythm is off, down from my usual three or four posts to only one a week, well, it's just because I am wrapped up in spring cleaning and working and kids and cooking and writing and painting. And I'm not pushing myself to paint every day or blog every day or even write every day. I'm just going with my flow, and committing to the work, and seeing where it leads me.

I do intend to put some prints of these in the shop, but I am a little bit behind in that area. I've got quite a back log of work. I was hoping to get my new camera first, so I could take better pictures, but the flow has had other ideas. Oh well.

Where is your flow leading you, lately?

Grounded and Acknowledged

Home (Grounded Girl in Wonderland)

ink, vintage book page

4/4/11

I have been trying to get my mojo back, and it's pretty hard.

As you can see, I have been slacking on my blog. I have actually been creating more than I've been posting, so I have a back log of art and crafts... although I probably won't show some of it, because it kind of... well, some of it is more about the moment than the lasting meaning of it.
Spring/Days/Rain (Grounded Girl)

4/2/11

watercolor and paper

I kind of like the way this theme is developing. I don't know where it's going. But I think it says something about my state of mind. After all those flying girls, I feel the need to get out of my head and get grounded in the real world.

How does one develop a theme if one doesn't have extended periods of time and concentration to really get to work on them, like one would if one were a "serious" full time artist?
Sky/Land/Sea (Grounded Girl)

pencil paper

4/2/11

I guess one does what I do. Keep a journal. Try to remember to draw, paint, sketch. Let the ideas come to you, and then actually work on them.

I do know that when I am trying to get my creativity going, it helps me to keep things small and portable. Small to keep the pressure down. Portable to allow me to create wherever the inspiration strikes.

Another thing that helps grow creativity, that I have yet to develop this turn around, is to have a creative routine.

I'm trying to write in my journal every morning with my coffee, instead of sit on the computer. I did this yesterday and it was great. I wrote a multitude of pages in my journal. I got a lot of thoughts out of this busy head, and frustrations, too. I wrote a poem, because I am trying to write a poem a day in this month of Poetry. I drew the top Grounded Girl. I wrote a poem. I decide to tell S. that I needed to get back to my novel writing as a serious endeavor, like a real job. And he agreed. In fact, after work today, I am going to have a few hours to myself, without kid duty, and I am going to work on my fourth draft. I am going to get back to business.

Felt Medals

felt and thread.

So in honor of my accomplishments in getting back into the swing of things (even though I am not there yet) I am giving myself these medals.

I made them for my kids. The "cool" one for a boy who is a Cool Writer, and is bravely struggling through his perfectionism and struggles with fine motor skills. For the "Ivy" it is for a girl who is learning to be helpful and responsible.

Are you acknowledging your own successes, even though you don't feel like you have gotten where you want to go yet? It's the small steps that lead to the big accomplishments. Are you paying attention to how far you are getting each time you try to take one baby step?

Give yourself a treat. Say it's from me.

Made of Days and Tomorrow

Made of Days and Tomorrow

journal diptych

pencil, water color

I don't know what I'm doing.

But I suppose the important thing is that I keep doing.

I've been wanting to get back into my journal for a while. I want to write. I want to draw and paint. But it has been a long time coming,

I've been collecting images of journals here. I've been scribbling and doodling bits in my journal but I haven't felt like I have been getting anywhere, creatively. Or have I?

I've been thinking about what I like in art. I've been wondering what is meaningful to me, and what appeals to me aesthetically. I've been thinking about the way I go about doing art. For so long I have painted quickly and immediately, with little to no planning. I have been telling a story with my art.

Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have the time, energy, space or money to dedicate to art and being an artist the way I'd like to.

But this is my life, and this is my path, so I can't really give my energy to what my life isn't, but rather want to think about what my life IS.

As I began drawing this journal piece, I started with the repeated circles. I like repetition. I like the meditative state of hatch marks or little circles. It reminds me of when I was working on Wreck This Journal. And I wanted to work on the shape of a person. A kind template for a person the way my Flying Girls were a template that allowed me freedom within the constraints to express myself. But I wanted something that I could take to a deeper, less literal place.

I'm not sure I can do that. I'm a pretty literal person. Well, that's not true. I'm a pretty narrative person. I can't help but make stories, whether I am painting a picture or writing. I can't help connecting things and giving them a meaning, a journey.

And somehow, after I drew this piece, I began thinking about what it meant. I compared it to my flying girls, and thought about my own journey, and thought maybe this is what I need now. Before it was all about dreaming and taking flight and going after the dream. I think now I may need to settle down, build something, ground myself. Perhaps these are grounded girls, the way my others are flying girls. Or perhaps not. We'll see how it turns out.

Oh, and yes. Once I started this drawing, I found that I had the urge to explore what was happening here. There have already been two more drawings/paintings in this vein. I guess we will have to stay tuned to see where these days and tomorrows lead.

Begin Again

Begin Again

journal entry

pencil, pen, watercolor

I started a new journal. This is a big deal for me. It always feels like turning a new page, no pun intended. But more, since having kids, I just have not been as reflective. I don't get to sit for hours with my journal, writing and drawing. This might surprise some of you who have followed me here, on my blog, as I move along on my creative journal. I'm much more project oriented now than I used to be. Before it was all about the process, and the journal was a private thing where I sought understanding over my thoughts, emotions, experiences and my world.

Now I run around with kids and clean the house and go to work and watch tv and crash exhausted. When I write, it is with purpose, to illustrate something, to convey something, to reflect on something in my blog, for just one little minute, that might enlighten someone else on whatever struggle has crossed my path that day. If I do write in my journal nowadays, it's usually about planning my day, or getting my head straight so I can do something productive.

Not only am I not as reflective, and do I not keep up with my journal the way I used to, but I've been in a creative slump for the last three months.

So this new journal for me marks a re-dedication to my own creativity and reflection. I'm ready to get back to who I used to be.... not just the me before this winter, but also the me before kids.

When I think about it, the very existence of this blog is really about me trying to regain my creativity. And it has helped me along the way.... from truly not being creative, to painting everyday, to writing again, to developing new craft skills, to being creative as a mother.

So, I think what I'd like to see the rest of the year for myself and my blog is a return to my big goals as an artist and a writer and a creative. And a teacher too, in case I forgot that.

So you know what? In order to avoid my tendency to "forget" all my goals for myself, I am going to put them out there in writing. Maybe someday one or two of you will call me on avoiding my real goals, and maybe I'll grumble about it, but maybe it will spur me to keep going when I get scared.

So here they are, my creative goals:

1. Finish that novel and get it out there in the world, find an agent, find a publisher.

2. Take myself seriously as an artist. Play big. Go deep.

3. Take myself seriously as a business woman and invest some time and money into my shop, and giving the world what I have to give.

4. Start a creativity workshop IRL. Start one online. I know this stuff, I'm not just faking it here. And I know people who should be doing it with me. Ahem. If you think I am talking to you, I probably am.

So here I am, ready to start my creative goals over again. Begin again.

But on a funny note, I am not beginning from zero. Everything I have done in the past 6 years, even though it seems to have taken me off in a different direction from where I started, has gotten me farther and farther along in my goals. Sideways and roundabout maybe, but I am more prepared now for my goals than I ever have been in my life.

Those detours we take? They make us who we are.

Red Pocket Monster

Red Pocket Monster

felt, thread, buttons, polyfill stuffing.

I made this little guy as a gift for a friend of Gabriel's. Now that I see him here, he looks kind of like this flu bug that's been dragging on.

Oh, I'm not "sick" anymore, but I'm still in the grips of fatigue even as the cough is releasing its hold on my chest. Maybe posting this little monster will help exorcise the little monster bug that is driving me nuts.

I've been wanting to do stuff, to get back to journaling and painting and blogging and writing and businessing, but I haven't had the gumption. I guess I'm just posting to tell you guys that I haven't disappeared. I'm still out here, just lazy/tired.

On that note, maybe I'll go buy that new journal and half pans of paint for my winsor newton watercolor set, from Dick Blick if you were wondering where I get that kind of stuff. Or maybe I will do some jotting in the new business plan I am working on. The dream plan. The creating plan.

I do think that the best way to get started, especially when you have not much energy, is to start getting excited about what COULD be.

This Is the Life You Are Meant To Live

This Is The Life You Are Meant To Live

pencil and repurposed menu

Hi.

It's been a long time. My blog absence doesn't represent anything sinister... or rather, it does, because right after I wrote the last entry, I came down with the flu, and that's pretty sinister.

So.

Two and a half weeks later and the cough is fading, the fatigue is still hanging on a bit, and the shakes are trembling a little less than yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it will never go away, but it is, slowly, and in its own time.

I actually started this post two weeks ago, but never had the gumption to finish it.

The drawing above is one of those things I do at work when I'm waiting. It's when I'm looking for the wisdom that I need to hear.

And I think I needed to accept my winter for what it was. Not a season of action. A fallow period. A time to rest and recuperate. A time to let the snow fall and cover the land. Still and white and cold.

The work is going on underneath all that chill.
This is my old Winsor Newton travel paint set. It's about 15 years old. I feel something growing in me that wants to start painting again. But something is also holding me back. Is it my own personal winter?

Well, this is March. March is the turning point. Winter ends. Spring begins. The snow melts.

It's time for me to start over, I think. Renewal.

If I have to, I will start over from the beginning. I will take babysteps. I will go back and learn all over again how to be brave. How to be productive. How to keep moving forward.

I've done it before.

However, I am not starting from the same place. Each time I start over, I am farther along on my journey.

You see that old paint set? That has painted hundreds of works of art. It may be quiet right now, but it has a history. I have already come far, and I know that I can go farther still. My path may have bumps and pauses, but it is my path.

And I'm still going, baby step by baby step.

Heart and Needle

Heart, Sewn

felt, thread.

Here comes Valentines.

*yay*

Sorry. I'm not a Valentines fan. I love the chocolate, and that it means spring is coming soon, but it is not my favorite holiday.

However, I have kids, and I don't have to infect them with my eyerolling too early. So I want to do some Valentines crafts this weekend, maybe help the boy make some cards for his classmates. Maybe sew them some little hearts to hang from their pockets and backpacks. Oh I don't know.

But I do kind of like the way this little unfinished felt heart looks on the old sweater. The threads curling off of the side, pierced by the needle.

A kind of crafty version of Cupid's arrow...

No, do not despair, I am not growing soft and mushy.

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day, whether you are a romantic, or an old grump like me.

Girls' Play Date and The Big Lazy

Oh it's going slowly with my creativity. I took Ivy out for a mama daughter play date. We went to Zou Zou's Cafe.

She had a sprinkle cookie.

Then we took out some pens and crayons and did some drawings.

Here, she drew mama's hat and a flower and various other things. And I drew her drawing. Children are very hard to draw. Their faces are so soft.
As for me, I did start revising my novel, but only a few pages and again, fell off the wagon.

Sometimes being creative is like an addiction. Or breaking an addiction to laziness (or whatever your particular fiend is, mine is laziness). Right now, I have to take it each day as it comes. Face the lazy. Make a choice. Remind myself that I'll feel better if I chose creating over lazy. Remind myself that when I take the first step towards being creative, it will be easier to continue. And it will be easier each time I deny that big Lazy.

I've been feeling the desire to revise my novel, but I mostly don't. I've been feeling the desire to paint again, maybe even Flying Girls, or maybe not. But I don't. I've been feeling the desire to start paper journaling again, writing, art, collage, etc... but I kind of wuss out on that, too.

What is this reluctance to be creative, even though you know you love it? Am I afraid of not being as good as I wish I was or wasting my time? I feel a physical resistance, sometimes, as if the thought of getting out my paints would be impossible, or it wouldn't be worth the physical effort. Resistance. The Big Lazy. (And the Big Fear that we don't like to mention because that might make it real.)

But on the plus side, I know that when I start asking these questions, when I start putting my thoughts and intentions out into the world, then that is a sign that the creativity is getting stronger. The creativity is growing. The Big Lazy (and the Big Fear) is losing power.

It takes a while of this kind of questioning and consideration to make the change.

First will come some not so great sketches in my journal (Hey! I already have some of those right here!) then will come some tentative watercolors. (I'm thinking of buying some new half pans for my Winsor Newton travel set. A new set is like 150$! I'm pretty sure it cost me only 40$ or so when I bought it 15 years ago, but it might have been on sale) then will come some acrylic paintings in my journal, then maybe I'll get up the nerve to paint some bigger things.

Well, we'll see.

How do you build up your creativity? How do you get it back when it slips away in the living of life?