This Is the Life You Are Meant To Live

This Is The Life You Are Meant To Live

pencil and repurposed menu

Hi.

It's been a long time. My blog absence doesn't represent anything sinister... or rather, it does, because right after I wrote the last entry, I came down with the flu, and that's pretty sinister.

So.

Two and a half weeks later and the cough is fading, the fatigue is still hanging on a bit, and the shakes are trembling a little less than yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it will never go away, but it is, slowly, and in its own time.

I actually started this post two weeks ago, but never had the gumption to finish it.

The drawing above is one of those things I do at work when I'm waiting. It's when I'm looking for the wisdom that I need to hear.

And I think I needed to accept my winter for what it was. Not a season of action. A fallow period. A time to rest and recuperate. A time to let the snow fall and cover the land. Still and white and cold.

The work is going on underneath all that chill.
This is my old Winsor Newton travel paint set. It's about 15 years old. I feel something growing in me that wants to start painting again. But something is also holding me back. Is it my own personal winter?

Well, this is March. March is the turning point. Winter ends. Spring begins. The snow melts.

It's time for me to start over, I think. Renewal.

If I have to, I will start over from the beginning. I will take babysteps. I will go back and learn all over again how to be brave. How to be productive. How to keep moving forward.

I've done it before.

However, I am not starting from the same place. Each time I start over, I am farther along on my journey.

You see that old paint set? That has painted hundreds of works of art. It may be quiet right now, but it has a history. I have already come far, and I know that I can go farther still. My path may have bumps and pauses, but it is my path.

And I'm still going, baby step by baby step.

Heart and Needle

Heart, Sewn

felt, thread.

Here comes Valentines.

*yay*

Sorry. I'm not a Valentines fan. I love the chocolate, and that it means spring is coming soon, but it is not my favorite holiday.

However, I have kids, and I don't have to infect them with my eyerolling too early. So I want to do some Valentines crafts this weekend, maybe help the boy make some cards for his classmates. Maybe sew them some little hearts to hang from their pockets and backpacks. Oh I don't know.

But I do kind of like the way this little unfinished felt heart looks on the old sweater. The threads curling off of the side, pierced by the needle.

A kind of crafty version of Cupid's arrow...

No, do not despair, I am not growing soft and mushy.

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day, whether you are a romantic, or an old grump like me.

Girls' Play Date and The Big Lazy

Oh it's going slowly with my creativity. I took Ivy out for a mama daughter play date. We went to Zou Zou's Cafe.

She had a sprinkle cookie.

Then we took out some pens and crayons and did some drawings.

Here, she drew mama's hat and a flower and various other things. And I drew her drawing. Children are very hard to draw. Their faces are so soft.
As for me, I did start revising my novel, but only a few pages and again, fell off the wagon.

Sometimes being creative is like an addiction. Or breaking an addiction to laziness (or whatever your particular fiend is, mine is laziness). Right now, I have to take it each day as it comes. Face the lazy. Make a choice. Remind myself that I'll feel better if I chose creating over lazy. Remind myself that when I take the first step towards being creative, it will be easier to continue. And it will be easier each time I deny that big Lazy.

I've been feeling the desire to revise my novel, but I mostly don't. I've been feeling the desire to paint again, maybe even Flying Girls, or maybe not. But I don't. I've been feeling the desire to start paper journaling again, writing, art, collage, etc... but I kind of wuss out on that, too.

What is this reluctance to be creative, even though you know you love it? Am I afraid of not being as good as I wish I was or wasting my time? I feel a physical resistance, sometimes, as if the thought of getting out my paints would be impossible, or it wouldn't be worth the physical effort. Resistance. The Big Lazy. (And the Big Fear that we don't like to mention because that might make it real.)

But on the plus side, I know that when I start asking these questions, when I start putting my thoughts and intentions out into the world, then that is a sign that the creativity is getting stronger. The creativity is growing. The Big Lazy (and the Big Fear) is losing power.

It takes a while of this kind of questioning and consideration to make the change.

First will come some not so great sketches in my journal (Hey! I already have some of those right here!) then will come some tentative watercolors. (I'm thinking of buying some new half pans for my Winsor Newton travel set. A new set is like 150$! I'm pretty sure it cost me only 40$ or so when I bought it 15 years ago, but it might have been on sale) then will come some acrylic paintings in my journal, then maybe I'll get up the nerve to paint some bigger things.

Well, we'll see.

How do you build up your creativity? How do you get it back when it slips away in the living of life?

A Crown, Fear, and 15 Minutes

Last Minute Birthday Crown Pin

felt, thread, embroidery floss, pin finding

Well, February is just about 1/4 done. My kids are out, attending a birthday party at some bouncy house. They asked for no presents, but I could help whipping up a little birthday girl crown for the kid of the day. I hope the girl in question likes it. Maybe she only likes things that are store bought? Or maybe she is much more sophisticated than me and prefers Tiffany boxes and stuff like that. Oh well. She's getting this and a card made by my son. I'm quite impressed with that, since he wrote it out all by himself (with my help on the spelling) without complaining. He's a complainer, you see. Hates not being able to do things well. Hates the feeling that he is at a loss. Seems to be afraid of that beginner stage. Afraid of not being good enough...

And it turns out this post is not just unrelated rambling.

February is 1/4 done and I have not started my revising.

Just like my son, I hate not being able to do things well. Hate the feeling that I am at a loss. Am afraid of the beginner stage, and most of all, am afraid that I am not good enough.

This is the closest I have ever gotten to having a novel published. I am almost at the point where I can send this thing out into the world and let it rest on it's own merits. The closer this gets, the scarier it gets.

Being an artist is about facing your fears. This is why everyone is not writing novels, I think. Because it's scary as fuck and the scariest thing about it is what is inside of your own head.

Well. So there. Excuse my french. But it's really scary.

And while my kids are out at their bouncy party, giving the birthday girl her handmade card and crown pin, I am sitting at home, with the delightful silence and stillness, and... doing not much of anything.

I have to head to work in 40 minutes.

Am I brave enough to take some of those minutes and sit and look at my waiting novel? What say you, Ro? Take out your colored pen and wave it like a magic wand over that fourth draft, turn it into the novel that you imagine????

15 minutes. That's all you have to do to get started. Even the biggest fear can be conquered for only 15 minutes, right? No more than that if you don't want to.

15 minutes starting......

NOW!

Snow Day and the Creative Process

Snow Day

Okay. So it's February now.

I've done the crazy busy of November and December. I've done the crash and stay quiet of January. I think it's time to get back to work now.

The picture is my fourth draft of my novel, waiting to be revised one last time before I start the business of trying to get published. I was trying to push it and finish it up by November, but I just didn't have enough time. And I thought it was better to do it right than to rush it. So... I let it sit for three months.

Then yesterday, I printed the first third of the novel out and got ready to go. I set up a nice cozy spot in the bedroom, by the window, with the printout, and my colored pens. A rocking chair and a view of the gently falling snow. How lovely.

How lazy.

At one point, I actually turned the novel over so that it wouldn't look at me.

But, I am not giving up. I just have to take my babysteps and work on my mindset and practice the building of good habits.

This is part of the process. Fallow period. Fear. Avoidance. Small starts. Back sliding.

I don't want anyone to believe this kind of struggle means they aren't supposed to be an artist or a writer or really anything they want to be. It's just part of the process, and we have to trust the process. Believe in ourselves. And remember why we wanted to do it in the first place.

I will keep you updated on my ability to keep up with myself and move forward.

When will she start again?

Will this book ever be finished?

Is it any good at all?

Tune in next time, same bat channel, same bat time, or whenever I post next.

Blue Bird (I Am Enough)

Blue Bird (I am enough)

Fancy felt, thread, cotton fabric, jump ring

I made this little charm as a gift for a customer. I enjoyed creating the ribbon out of my fabric stash. I felt this charm needed a fabric ribbon. The charm was inspired by this painting that she bought a print of. I'm sending it out this morning, before I go to work, and before a foot of snow comes down and makes the roads impassable for the near future.

There's an interesting thing that happens when I sell a print or a painting. Well, when it's an original painting, I get a pang of loss, because these are like my little babies and I want to hold onto them, even though I like sending them out into the world for other people to love. But a print like this, especially the Flying Girls, always seems to send me a message.

Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of weird. Someone else is buying it, for their own reasons, but when I take the painting out of storage, when I write out a narrative for it, when I print it and package it up and either find or make a little gift for the customer... well, it's as if the message of that painting is the one I need to hear.

I've definitely been trying to live into the "You Are Enough" message of this one. For so long I have gotten anxious over needing to be productive, to make things, to meet deadlines, to make money, to be working working working no fun no play. And there's no need.

I am enough just being me, and so are you. We don't have to crawl on our hands and knees torturing ourself in order to be enough. We already are.

This thought always leads me back to my favorite poem, the one I need to hear over and over again.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

I felt the need to post this today. As a snow storm sweeps across the country and I get ready to hunker down into my life, small as it is. And learn to love what I love and let it be enough.

So I dedicate this post to you.

You are enough.

I Am A Work In Progress

Work in Progress From A Long Time Ago

felt, thread, stuffing

Where have I been?

Freaking out doing a lot of work. Spending time being stressed out even when I wasn't getting work done. Oh, I've also been sick. And I've also been decompressing after a crazy November and December.

What it has come down to is an entire January that has been almost devoid of creative projects.

Now that my freelance project that I was working on has come to a close, I find myself excited to return to my writing and my art and my blog and my shop.

The ideas are starting to come back. The energy is starting to return. The joy I used to feel doing creative work is starting to come back. I think I had forgotten all about that when I set myself stiff schedules and requirements and things that I HAD TO DO EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don't know what direction I might be going in. I'm thinking I might want to start painting again, but not a painting a day. I've been feeling the urge to work more in depth on paintings. Larger. More planned out less instinct driven. And then there's that novel that is waiting to be taken seriously again.

Writing makes me feel good. I am ready to write again.

But not right now. I still have my day job to get ready for. So. I just wanted to drop in and tell you I wasn't missing. I'm coming back.

I'm excited to see what the coming year will bring.

Goals, Guides and The Process

Fuzzy

Fuzzy doesn't like the camera. Too bad. She's very photogenic. Her name is also Fanny. It depends on who you ask.

I've been kind of sick lately. A 24 hour flu. You'd think the sucker would be over after 24 hours, but the weakness and dizzy head remains, slowly fading away. Well it's a week later, so let's see how long I remain up and functional today. I got smart and decided to write a blog post before my energy disappeared. Yay. I must be getting better. It's no biggie, just interferes major time with my productivity.

So here I am.

I've made a little bracelet out of bead thread and silver beady things. I made a folder for Ivy out of a happy meal box. Per her request. I've cut out dozens of felt circles in anticipation of stitching up little charms. I even appliqued a tiny red heart on one and tried to embroider (but made an ugly disaster of it) another one. I have no photos of any of these.

I've thought about my plans for the year, my "resolutions" if you will. Last post I talked about theme words... Organize, Enjoy, Say Yes to Life. But the truth is, I have goals that I need to accomplish. The major one... finish this novel and send it out and find an agent and get published.

I'm finding it hard to focus only on the theme words when I have this big honking goal hanging over my head.

I need to work on this goal, that is it. But it isn't a resolution. Resolutions are like bullies. They say you must do THIS thing. ALL the time. WITHOUT fail, or you are a loser. And that actually sets you up to fail. Witness all those lapsed gym goers, yo-yo dieters, people with chewed fingernails, furtive cigarette smokers, and novels languishing in trunks under the beds.

If you really want to achieve something, to make a change in your behavior, you have to think long term. What do you want at the end of the year... not what do you want right now. You have to allow yourself to be imperfect and to backslide, and to have lazy days, even weeks without sitting down to revise the fourth draft. Because of course, you have the flu and kids and must also take care of yourself, not just your goal.

So you set yourself up with smaller goals, that over the long term, will add up to the major goal.

Goals that are not overwhelming. Goals that are specific and measurable. Have fruit for desert instead of cookies, rather than lose 20 pounds. Take a yoga class, not "be fit." Write a query letter, not "be a best selling author".

So that's what I need to do. Look to make smaller goals that fit in with my larger goals.

Not coincidentally, I hope to make my smaller goals and my larger goals fit within my guiding words for the year. I will do so now, breaking down the goals into tasks that will fit within the guiding words.

ORGANIZE: organize my writing space, organize my agent research, keep in touch with critical readers, set up a daily writing schedule, keep a writing log, follow a time table.

SAY YES TO LIFE: actually start writing instead of hiding from it because it is scary, believe that I will be published, look for people who can help me, recognize and accept opportunities that come my way, look for the good in my book and emphasize that, show people my writing, take advantage of the free time I have to work on the things that I really want to do.

ENJOY: allow myself to enjoy the good things about my book, remember to enjoy my writing time because I actually love to write, develop rituals surrounding my writing time to recognize the specialness of it, look back at my life and recognize how far I have come, write a new resume or curriculum vitae celebrating all that I have achieved, write an author's bio as if my book were already published, set up a rewards system for writing/publishing goals achieved (perhaps rewards towards that new camera I want), accept the process for what it is and learn to enjoy it.

Let me tell you.

That little exercise actually has gotten me thinking about writing. Not only that, but it's gotten me excited for the process of revision, research, and querying.

You see, I don't want to just be a published author. I don't want just to have a novel written. I want to enjoy the life I am living while I go about doing this. I want to live this life, the one I have, not the one I will have once I achieve some goal, once I have beaten some resolution.

Try this exercise. Think of the guiding words for your year... the words reminding you of the life you want to live, the person you want to be. Now think of the goals you want to accomplish. Now try to find ways that your goals can be achieved THROUGH your guiding words.

Happy 2011. To Life!

I haven't done much this past week. Relaxed. Slept. Spent time with the kids. Worked when I had to. But I took a break on projects and being creative.

So here's a photo from a couple weeks ago, right after it snowed. The snow is all gone now, washed away in a warmth and rain.

I have some goals for the new year, but one of the most important goals is to enjoy the life I have and not always be doing stuff to get somewhere that I'm not.

Enjoy Life. Celebrate.

Yes.

Life is not perfect the way it is. There are always going to be things I want to do and have done. But this is the life I have and it deserves to be enjoyed.

In order to do that, I do think I have to reduce some of my own anxiety and pressure on myself. Accept what is there. Have faith that everything will work out. I've thought about what I need for this, and I'm pretty sure it's organization that is missing. So.

Organize.

Yes.

Now it may seem that Enjoying Life and Organizing Life are opposite goals. One is about being free and one is about constraining.... however, this is my life we are talking about and I have to be honest about who I am and where I am and what I need.

I have goals. Real goals. Big goals that take a lot of work. And I have a complicated family with their own needs that I am kind of in charge of (hey who made up THAT rule?) and I have to manage them, too. That's more work. But I don't want to just work and work and work and then work some more.

So if I think about it, to organize my day and plan where things need to be done, that would help. I would be able to know what needs to be done and how much time I have, and when there are deadlines and how it all fits together. This would allow me to relax, because I could trust in things being done.

The question is, do I make my big major goals into my "New Year Resolutions?"

Somehow, I think those are too difficult to maintain for a whole year. Better is to focus on a way of being. Enjoying. Organizing.

Maybe what I really need to do is to say yes to life.

Whenever I've had breakthroughs in my life, it has always been around saying yes, instead of saying no. Being brave. Stepping outside of my comfort zone.

So here are my big three goals for the year.

Enjoy.

Organize.

Say Yes to Life.

Wonky Bear Dressed for Snow WIP and a Sister Kitty Modelling her Dress in Progress

Wonky Bear Dressed for Snow (WIP)

felted flannel, felted wool sweaters, felt, buttons, thread.

Still working on this little guy and on his kitty sister (who is turning into a ballerina princess).

The wonk looks better when he wears his sweater.

Yes. I made that sweater. It was a little tricky, but not too bad. My first attempt was too Springy and got handed down to his kitty sister and turned into a bodice for her ballerina dress. Hey. I believe in hand me downs. Her dress is less far along in the wip status so I will show her later. If ever I can get some time without children today.

Better hurry. I have to make rice krispie treats and brownies for Santa also.

Wonky Bear close up

I found his button eyes. I was looking all over for them, because I knew that I put them "somewhere safe." Ha ha on me. I always lose things when I put them some where safe. But I found some scraps from the flannel shirt, with buttons still attached, and it was just as good. I actually tried some larger brown buttons first, but they didn't look as eyeball-y. So I cut them off and added these. They will match sister Kitty.

His nose is not done, because I didn't get around to the embroidery. When I embroider sister Kitty's dress I will add the nose and mouth.

I used a felted sweater, using the fine ribs of the waistband to make a sweater and figured out how to swing those arm holes. Yay me. I also made what I thought was going to be a ski cap, but it turned out the wrong size, so I cut a contour into it an made it a hat with ear flaps... although why the ear flaps are down around the face when the ears are sticking out the top, I don't know.

The scarf is some nice fancy felt, just cut, fringed and tied around his neck.
detail wonky bear

Then I made his backpack.

Welcome to Sewer's Cheating 101. I took a pocket from the flannel shirt and trimmed it off the scrap. Then trimmed some of the shirt into a flap. Then I sewed to flannel strips to make shoulder straps. Voila. I might add a button to close it. And perhaps I'll write "wonky" on the tag, instead of the name of the shirt maker. I will probably do it with a sharpie. Lazy crafter, right here. Oh yeah. And I didn't hem any of this cut up felting.

And, fine, since you are insisting. Here's sister kitty modelling her dress in progress.