I've been thinking about what I want my life to be

what I have always wanted my life to be, and that is creative. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I want my life to be about the creative, and the love that goes into it.

Now that my kids are starting to get a little bit older, no longer itsy bitsy babies, I have hopes that I can get back to that desire.

I’m going to take it easy to begin with. It’s hard to go from lump on a log to exuding creativity from every pore. I know this. I’ve dealt with it before. I think I will start by getting back into my journal. Come to think of it, that’s always been the way I got back into my creativity. I haven’t been writing in my journal for a while, because I’ve spent more time writing on line, but there’s some soul searching that doesn’t feel quite right to have out there in public, so I want to get back to my poor neglected journal.

Aside from the journal, though, I want to document whatever creative projects I am doing. That includes writing and art and cooking and decorating and adventures with my kids and kid projects and craft and whatever else I am putting my creative energy into.

It’s kind of like keeping a list of the things in a day that made you happy—it keeps your mind on the happy things, and allows you to let go of the bad things while paying attention to the good. Documenting the creative projects has to make me pay more attention to what I create, and release the frustration and blocks that frequently lead up to that productivity.

I also want to count the small things that I create. And I want to focus more on creating than on beating myself up for all the “shoulds” I am not doing and all the ways I fall short.

Create. Create the space to create. Allow creativity to enter into my life. Acknowledge the creativity that is already flourishing. Enourage my children to create, too.

See more progress on: find a balance between creativity and motherhood

I've been absent for a while

Not just from here, but from my life. I haven’t felt well and have been overwhelmed, broke, worried about finding a new place to live, all sorts of things. I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself, too, and have been using excuses about why I don’t… why I can’t… get back on the horse and take care of business.

But I have to take stock and say that this is my life and no one is going to swoop in and save me. Unless that swooper is me.

It’s time to step up and be a warrior—be the hero of my own story. I’m the one who decides the path. I’m the one who takes the steps to get to the end of the path. I’m the one who faces the fears and the monsters. I’m the one who reaps the rewards.

In a way, I think I wish I didn’t have to be the hero. I wish there was a prince in shining armor to take care of me, but even when I found a mate, I didn’t find someone to take me away from what I had to do for myself. All the issues I had before I met S are still there, and would be, even if he was the one who was good with money or organized or whatever…my issues would just be hiding in having someone else take care of them. So even though it’s hard, ultimately, I think it’s for the best.

I think that my life is not meant to be one where my problems are taken care of by someone else, whether that someone is my parents or my partner or the government, or just dumb luck. I think it’s my destiny to struggle with my own flaws and succeed or fail on my own merits.

It’s a scary thought to be responsible for your own fate. I remember when I taught high school, I watched the teenagers struggle with that idea. A lot of them didn’t want to work hard and be in charge of their lives. They wanted some deus ex machina to pop in and change their lives. Get discovered and be a rap star, miraculously become a doctor even though they couldn’t pass science, and never have to worry about money again because they were good people, pass their classes because they were sweet and smart, and they didn’t really have to do the work, did they? It was so easy to see them struggling with this, and so easy to see the path that would take them to real, lasting success… not fairy tale success, but grown up, living the life they chose success. It was a path of hard work and reality, but also of dreams and passion.

I’ve been indulging in my inner adolescent, poor me-ness. I think that’s okay. We all deserve the chance to step back and be sad. There might even be some benefit in that down time. But there comes a moment when you have to tell yourself to KNOCK IT OFF,stop playing the victim, and get back down to the business of being your own hero.

Here I am, standing on the edge, looking out over an unknown land, and instead of woe-is-meing myself into disaster, it’s time to jump. I’ve got to swoop in and save me from myself.

See more progress on: Be a Warrior

I just spent a couple of hours Christmas shopping, sans kids.

I got S a video trilogy that shall remain nameless on the off chance he finds this site. I’m thinking I might give a movie marathon basket to go with it.

Man, I should have gotten the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I would have made a basket with all sorts of hobbity foods—sausage, apples, wasa crisp as stand in for the elven lembas bread, ale, mirth leaf (I think that’s tobacco,) some smoked salmon (close enough to raw fishies,) maybe I could even get some rabbit, or perhaps some kind of jerky would be rough enough to stand in for travel foods. Alas, I did not think of this when I picked my movie trilogy, and the one I got does not lend itself so nicely to cuisine.

I got some videos for kids, too. Not cartoons, but the first Harry Potter and The Princess Bride. I know G likes the first, and I’m sure he’ll like the second, although it is going as a present to Ivy (really for me, but we’ll just say Ivy.)

Then I went to the bookstore and started to get overwhelmed. I really haven’t bought books for the kids in so long there were too many things to choose from. So many lovely books. It started to depress me, since I only had the cash in my wallet and it would have been so easy to go over that limit. Put back the hard cover Madeline book and got the soft cover instead. Put back the multiple Suesses. Resisted continuing to browse. I did get a gorgeous animal book for G, and a couple of books for I, but I couldn’t get the mini library that I wanted.

I think one of the keys to having a merry little Christmas is to not get upset that you can’t have everything you want. I suppose that Christmas, in a way, is about wishes. It’s become way too materialistic for my liking, but it is about wishes, even when they are not materialistic. Wishing your family could be all together and happy with no drama, wishing you could bake more and more cookies, wishing your house could be lit up with festivities and spotlessly clean, wishing you could have another serving of Christmas ham, wishing you could go to a million parties, or wishing you could stay home with a movie and a cup of hot cocoa. And we can’t always get those things we wish for.

I guess there has to be some sort of balance between wishing for all that good cheer and being content in what your life actually is. Maybe that’s why the holidays are so notorious for depression and suicide, because the reality almost never lives up to the wishes and expectations.

Maybe that’s also why we should focus on the merry LITTLE part of Christmas. Focus on the little joys, the little goals, the little life that is going on in the present (not in the presents, but in the present.)

I want to focus on the Christmas lights, and G’s anticipation. The smell of evergreen trees. The holiday movies on tv. Singing carols. Cookies. Taking the time to paint or stitch or bake something by hand, something intended for someone I love.

Merry (little) Christmas

See more progress on: have myself a merry little christmas

Stitch by Stitch, Progress Goes Slowly, but Quick.

Making Ivy’s Kitty Ugly Doll is a little bit of an adventure, although tedious at the same time. I don’t know what it’s going to be like, but I think it will be kind of cool. I have no idea if she’ll actually like it. I hope it will be sturdy enough for a baby/toddler.

So far, after designing it and making my own pattern, I sewed the arms and taill and sewed half of the body. There are a few pattern flaws, but I’m okay with that. That’s where the “ugly” and the freeform come into the equation. I’ll just take a nip and tuck with my needle.

Oh, did I mention I’m doing this by hand? No sewing machine. And I’m not a very pretty seamstress, but again, I don’t care. Luckily, the furry fabric hides all the stitches. That was a lucky accident.

Have one half the body left and two legs. And the stuffing and the stitching of a face. Do I have any embroidery floss?

I hope I have time to finish one for G as well. I think I will make him a monster… a wild thing, since that is what he is. It needs horns and teeth and maybe claws if I can swing it. A mane perhaps.

See more progress on: Design and create my own ugly doll.

I have been watching

G turn into a big boy, right before my eyes.

He’s almost 2 1/2 years old and I can see something in his face and in his body changing from that toddler to that little kid.

It’s a very odd thing. I mean, I saw him go from baby to toddler, and that was pretty dramatic, and I am watching Ivy go through the same transition, but this change is different. This change means he is becoming a real person, not just a baby or a bigger baby, but someone who is getting ready (slowly) to be an individual doing things and going places on his own.

So strange. I can almost see the boy he will be. Almost, almost see the man he will be.

Many moms would be sad to see this change, I think. Sad to feel like they are losing their little baby, but not me. I can’t feel sad about it. I find it more along the lines of exciting. Of course, I think I am really not a very good mom of toddlers. I don’t think it’s my thing, and I think I will have much more of a handle on older kids. I really can’t wait.

I might be the only mother alive who would rather have teenagers than babies. Well, I’ll be getting my wish sooner than I think.

See more progress on: Raise strong, happy children

Under My Couch

I got ambitious, got the broom, lay down on the ground and swept under there (it’s very low and covered with a slipcover.)

Here is what I found.

A mini magnetic drawing pad.
Calculator that the kids use as a “computer”
Half a dozen balls.
A dumdum pop.
A little cat.
A plastic rattle/teething ring.
A soft cloth book.
Three sponge swords (homemade.)
Book, “Little Gorilla.”
A coloring book.
A porpoise.
Two plastic fish.
One squeeze starfish.
One seahorse water gun.
A shark.
A monster truck.
A bumble bee maraca.
Two plastic cups.
A plastic mini baseball bat.
A cow.
A horse.
A dinosaur.
My hairbrush.
One baby pacifier with teddy bear clip.
One boy pacifier.
One mini play do container.
A sponge “T.”
Bunny rabbit bubble container.
A goose.
A drawing pencil.
A baby hat.
My missing sunglasses.
No less than four of my shoes—no matches, all singles.
One THOUSAND cheerios.

There was, however, no whale. Do you think he found a more exclusive hidey hole? It was a bit like Times Square for toys under there.

See more progress on: Have a place for everything and keep everything in its place

Number One Happiness in 2007

Ivy Beatrix

A new little person came to join our lives this year. On her own time table, I might add. After hanging out until two days past her due date, she wanted to be born and she wanted to be born immediatel. So she popped out to say hello.

Little Ivy Bean. Beanie Baby. Little Elizabeth Taylor of the dark blue eyes. My Baby Ive. Little Gurrul. Smiles. Baby Doodle. Stink Butt.

She’s already got boyfriends littered throughout Brooklyn.

Everyone is always so amazed at how well behaved and happy she is.

She is so alert and strong. Oh, very strong, from day 3 when she was already beginnning to hold her head up and the doctors and nurses were surprise only a couple weeks later when she tried to roll over on her own.

She loves her big brother and always wants to play with him.

She loves her papa and already says “PaPa.” Infact I think today she said “Bye Bye PaPa.” Is that possible?

Little Baldie Baby.

Welcome to the world, Ivy.

See more progress on: List 43 Things that made me happy in 2007

What Does It Mean to Live Life Well?

It means living in positives. The focus is on what IS, what CAN BE, what is beautiful, meaningful, happy, productive—rather than what I don’t have, what I am not, what is stopping me, what is wrong with the world, what bothers or upsets me. It does not mean that those things aren’t a factor, it means that I choose not to give my energy to them.

I want to look for moments of inspiration and beauty. Capture them. Seek them out. Court them. Open up for them to arrive.

I want to value what I have, whether those are things or experiences or qualities.

I want to be productive and work towards getting the things I want to have in my life, not just think or write or talk about them. Do, do, do.

I want to be creative and say yes to the possibilities of failure. Not everything needs to be perfect, not everything needs to be brilliant. The process of creation is often more important than the product. And allowing failure in means I am making room for success.

I want to be open in my relationships with the people, not withdrawn. I want to communicate more, whether face to face or online or on the phone or even letters. I want to share of myself.

I want to go on adventures and challenge myself and face down the monsters of fear and insecurity.

I want to listen to music and dance and surround myself with art and watch good movies and read good books, and share all those things with people.

I want to create a home that is comfortable, beatiful, welcoming, stimulating and relaxing.

I want to find a balance with our finances so we do not have to worry all the time.

I want to enjoy my children and S. and revel in every moment I have with them.

I want to connect with friends again.

I want to take care of myself, and my children and S. so that everyone is healthy and strong for our many upcoming adventures.

See more progress on: Live Life Well in 2008

Forced, and I do mean 'forced' myself to write last night

The kids had me busy all day yesterday without a break, since their naps did not coincide. And of course I was exhausted.

So when I finally sat down to write at 10pm, I was almost ready to say “screw it!” and rest on the laurels of my wordcount. Hey, I have plenty of leeway to win Nano, I don’t have to force myself to write every single day!

Except winning Nano isn’t really the point. The point is to write and for me to develop my writing practice again. It’s about writing my novel, not hitting a wordcount. Nano is like the tool I use to get what I want, not what I want in itself.

I thought about the future, and what my saying “screw it!” to last night’s writing would mean in the long run, and I knew it would only be the beginning of not taking my writing seriously. There would be more and more days of deciding I’d done “enough,”and that would then lean to loss of momentum, and soon I would stop writing regularly, and soon I would stop writing my novel at all, and it might never get done.

I have too much work to do to allow that. So I told myself I had to at least write something. A few hundred words, that was all. And when I checked a half hour later I had some few hundred words, but I still had a half hour until midnight, and I thought I could stand another half hour, so I kept writing, and decided I had to get at least 1000 words, which isn’t a minimum for anything, in my book. So I thought I should hit the nano minimum of 1667, and then when I checked I was TEN words short, so I had to keep writing and then the next time I checked I was about 200 words short of 2k, so I decided I couldn’t give up there, now could I? So I ended up writing for an hour and a half and hit 2073.

So there’s my forcing. It’s strange that once you get past your own resistance, it isn’t as hard to hit your goals as you feared it would be.

See more progress on: Do NaNoWriMo

Back in the Game at 30,643 words

I think, anyway. I can’t guarantee that I will be able to continue writing at the prior speed. I got 3732 words yesterday in two sessions, nap time and after Heroes.

I am less than 20 thousand words away from winning NaNoWriMo. That’s exciting. I won’t be done with the book then, that I can understand and accept, but I will have achieved my goal. Last year, I wanted to complete the actual book, and then I wanted to hit the double 50s, or 100k.

This year, I think I’m going to take a more relaxed route to finishing my novel. I think that when I hit 50k, I want to slow my pace down from 3500 words or so a day to two thousand I day, and then use the remaining time for… wait for it… editing!

Yes, I think I am ready to begin using the internal editor while I am still writing the novel. I feel like Nano had done it’s job and gotten me away from the paralyzing fear of not being good enough. Or not being able to do it.

I still like having the deadline, but I want to develop a writing practice that won’t overwhelm, one that’s sustainable.

Someone remind me that I said that when I start freaking out.

See more progress on: Win Nanowrimo 2007