I just spent a couple of hours Christmas shopping, sans kids.

I got S a video trilogy that shall remain nameless on the off chance he finds this site. I’m thinking I might give a movie marathon basket to go with it.

Man, I should have gotten the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I would have made a basket with all sorts of hobbity foods—sausage, apples, wasa crisp as stand in for the elven lembas bread, ale, mirth leaf (I think that’s tobacco,) some smoked salmon (close enough to raw fishies,) maybe I could even get some rabbit, or perhaps some kind of jerky would be rough enough to stand in for travel foods. Alas, I did not think of this when I picked my movie trilogy, and the one I got does not lend itself so nicely to cuisine.

I got some videos for kids, too. Not cartoons, but the first Harry Potter and The Princess Bride. I know G likes the first, and I’m sure he’ll like the second, although it is going as a present to Ivy (really for me, but we’ll just say Ivy.)

Then I went to the bookstore and started to get overwhelmed. I really haven’t bought books for the kids in so long there were too many things to choose from. So many lovely books. It started to depress me, since I only had the cash in my wallet and it would have been so easy to go over that limit. Put back the hard cover Madeline book and got the soft cover instead. Put back the multiple Suesses. Resisted continuing to browse. I did get a gorgeous animal book for G, and a couple of books for I, but I couldn’t get the mini library that I wanted.

I think one of the keys to having a merry little Christmas is to not get upset that you can’t have everything you want. I suppose that Christmas, in a way, is about wishes. It’s become way too materialistic for my liking, but it is about wishes, even when they are not materialistic. Wishing your family could be all together and happy with no drama, wishing you could bake more and more cookies, wishing your house could be lit up with festivities and spotlessly clean, wishing you could have another serving of Christmas ham, wishing you could go to a million parties, or wishing you could stay home with a movie and a cup of hot cocoa. And we can’t always get those things we wish for.

I guess there has to be some sort of balance between wishing for all that good cheer and being content in what your life actually is. Maybe that’s why the holidays are so notorious for depression and suicide, because the reality almost never lives up to the wishes and expectations.

Maybe that’s also why we should focus on the merry LITTLE part of Christmas. Focus on the little joys, the little goals, the little life that is going on in the present (not in the presents, but in the present.)

I want to focus on the Christmas lights, and G’s anticipation. The smell of evergreen trees. The holiday movies on tv. Singing carols. Cookies. Taking the time to paint or stitch or bake something by hand, something intended for someone I love.

Merry (little) Christmas

See more progress on: have myself a merry little christmas

Stitch by Stitch, Progress Goes Slowly, but Quick.

Making Ivy’s Kitty Ugly Doll is a little bit of an adventure, although tedious at the same time. I don’t know what it’s going to be like, but I think it will be kind of cool. I have no idea if she’ll actually like it. I hope it will be sturdy enough for a baby/toddler.

So far, after designing it and making my own pattern, I sewed the arms and taill and sewed half of the body. There are a few pattern flaws, but I’m okay with that. That’s where the “ugly” and the freeform come into the equation. I’ll just take a nip and tuck with my needle.

Oh, did I mention I’m doing this by hand? No sewing machine. And I’m not a very pretty seamstress, but again, I don’t care. Luckily, the furry fabric hides all the stitches. That was a lucky accident.

Have one half the body left and two legs. And the stuffing and the stitching of a face. Do I have any embroidery floss?

I hope I have time to finish one for G as well. I think I will make him a monster… a wild thing, since that is what he is. It needs horns and teeth and maybe claws if I can swing it. A mane perhaps.

See more progress on: Design and create my own ugly doll.

I have been watching

G turn into a big boy, right before my eyes.

He’s almost 2 1/2 years old and I can see something in his face and in his body changing from that toddler to that little kid.

It’s a very odd thing. I mean, I saw him go from baby to toddler, and that was pretty dramatic, and I am watching Ivy go through the same transition, but this change is different. This change means he is becoming a real person, not just a baby or a bigger baby, but someone who is getting ready (slowly) to be an individual doing things and going places on his own.

So strange. I can almost see the boy he will be. Almost, almost see the man he will be.

Many moms would be sad to see this change, I think. Sad to feel like they are losing their little baby, but not me. I can’t feel sad about it. I find it more along the lines of exciting. Of course, I think I am really not a very good mom of toddlers. I don’t think it’s my thing, and I think I will have much more of a handle on older kids. I really can’t wait.

I might be the only mother alive who would rather have teenagers than babies. Well, I’ll be getting my wish sooner than I think.

See more progress on: Raise strong, happy children

Under My Couch

I got ambitious, got the broom, lay down on the ground and swept under there (it’s very low and covered with a slipcover.)

Here is what I found.

A mini magnetic drawing pad.
Calculator that the kids use as a “computer”
Half a dozen balls.
A dumdum pop.
A little cat.
A plastic rattle/teething ring.
A soft cloth book.
Three sponge swords (homemade.)
Book, “Little Gorilla.”
A coloring book.
A porpoise.
Two plastic fish.
One squeeze starfish.
One seahorse water gun.
A shark.
A monster truck.
A bumble bee maraca.
Two plastic cups.
A plastic mini baseball bat.
A cow.
A horse.
A dinosaur.
My hairbrush.
One baby pacifier with teddy bear clip.
One boy pacifier.
One mini play do container.
A sponge “T.”
Bunny rabbit bubble container.
A goose.
A drawing pencil.
A baby hat.
My missing sunglasses.
No less than four of my shoes—no matches, all singles.
One THOUSAND cheerios.

There was, however, no whale. Do you think he found a more exclusive hidey hole? It was a bit like Times Square for toys under there.

See more progress on: Have a place for everything and keep everything in its place

Number One Happiness in 2007

Ivy Beatrix

A new little person came to join our lives this year. On her own time table, I might add. After hanging out until two days past her due date, she wanted to be born and she wanted to be born immediatel. So she popped out to say hello.

Little Ivy Bean. Beanie Baby. Little Elizabeth Taylor of the dark blue eyes. My Baby Ive. Little Gurrul. Smiles. Baby Doodle. Stink Butt.

She’s already got boyfriends littered throughout Brooklyn.

Everyone is always so amazed at how well behaved and happy she is.

She is so alert and strong. Oh, very strong, from day 3 when she was already beginnning to hold her head up and the doctors and nurses were surprise only a couple weeks later when she tried to roll over on her own.

She loves her big brother and always wants to play with him.

She loves her papa and already says “PaPa.” Infact I think today she said “Bye Bye PaPa.” Is that possible?

Little Baldie Baby.

Welcome to the world, Ivy.

See more progress on: List 43 Things that made me happy in 2007

What Does It Mean to Live Life Well?

It means living in positives. The focus is on what IS, what CAN BE, what is beautiful, meaningful, happy, productive—rather than what I don’t have, what I am not, what is stopping me, what is wrong with the world, what bothers or upsets me. It does not mean that those things aren’t a factor, it means that I choose not to give my energy to them.

I want to look for moments of inspiration and beauty. Capture them. Seek them out. Court them. Open up for them to arrive.

I want to value what I have, whether those are things or experiences or qualities.

I want to be productive and work towards getting the things I want to have in my life, not just think or write or talk about them. Do, do, do.

I want to be creative and say yes to the possibilities of failure. Not everything needs to be perfect, not everything needs to be brilliant. The process of creation is often more important than the product. And allowing failure in means I am making room for success.

I want to be open in my relationships with the people, not withdrawn. I want to communicate more, whether face to face or online or on the phone or even letters. I want to share of myself.

I want to go on adventures and challenge myself and face down the monsters of fear and insecurity.

I want to listen to music and dance and surround myself with art and watch good movies and read good books, and share all those things with people.

I want to create a home that is comfortable, beatiful, welcoming, stimulating and relaxing.

I want to find a balance with our finances so we do not have to worry all the time.

I want to enjoy my children and S. and revel in every moment I have with them.

I want to connect with friends again.

I want to take care of myself, and my children and S. so that everyone is healthy and strong for our many upcoming adventures.

See more progress on: Live Life Well in 2008

Forced, and I do mean 'forced' myself to write last night

The kids had me busy all day yesterday without a break, since their naps did not coincide. And of course I was exhausted.

So when I finally sat down to write at 10pm, I was almost ready to say “screw it!” and rest on the laurels of my wordcount. Hey, I have plenty of leeway to win Nano, I don’t have to force myself to write every single day!

Except winning Nano isn’t really the point. The point is to write and for me to develop my writing practice again. It’s about writing my novel, not hitting a wordcount. Nano is like the tool I use to get what I want, not what I want in itself.

I thought about the future, and what my saying “screw it!” to last night’s writing would mean in the long run, and I knew it would only be the beginning of not taking my writing seriously. There would be more and more days of deciding I’d done “enough,”and that would then lean to loss of momentum, and soon I would stop writing regularly, and soon I would stop writing my novel at all, and it might never get done.

I have too much work to do to allow that. So I told myself I had to at least write something. A few hundred words, that was all. And when I checked a half hour later I had some few hundred words, but I still had a half hour until midnight, and I thought I could stand another half hour, so I kept writing, and decided I had to get at least 1000 words, which isn’t a minimum for anything, in my book. So I thought I should hit the nano minimum of 1667, and then when I checked I was TEN words short, so I had to keep writing and then the next time I checked I was about 200 words short of 2k, so I decided I couldn’t give up there, now could I? So I ended up writing for an hour and a half and hit 2073.

So there’s my forcing. It’s strange that once you get past your own resistance, it isn’t as hard to hit your goals as you feared it would be.

See more progress on: Do NaNoWriMo

Back in the Game at 30,643 words

I think, anyway. I can’t guarantee that I will be able to continue writing at the prior speed. I got 3732 words yesterday in two sessions, nap time and after Heroes.

I am less than 20 thousand words away from winning NaNoWriMo. That’s exciting. I won’t be done with the book then, that I can understand and accept, but I will have achieved my goal. Last year, I wanted to complete the actual book, and then I wanted to hit the double 50s, or 100k.

This year, I think I’m going to take a more relaxed route to finishing my novel. I think that when I hit 50k, I want to slow my pace down from 3500 words or so a day to two thousand I day, and then use the remaining time for… wait for it… editing!

Yes, I think I am ready to begin using the internal editor while I am still writing the novel. I feel like Nano had done it’s job and gotten me away from the paralyzing fear of not being good enough. Or not being able to do it.

I still like having the deadline, but I want to develop a writing practice that won’t overwhelm, one that’s sustainable.

Someone remind me that I said that when I start freaking out.

See more progress on: Win Nanowrimo 2007

Throw Away Fifty Things

This is a challenge I am going to give myself. It will be the last gasp of purging all the useless and outmoded things and ideas in my life, since I have already been working on it all. Fifty more things, on top of everything I have already done, will be almost like a life change.

I will lump some things in one lot. So all the old tank tops will count as one thing, not however many tank tops I throw away, but if there are certain items that take more emotional effort to throw out, they will be bumped up to one item. Like the huge book of 9/11 photos will only count as one item, althought I may have ‘old books’ as one lot. I might also try to sell some things, or give them away, rather than just toss them on the street, but I have decided not to have a sidewalk sale, because that was just giving me an excuse not to just up and get rid of things.

So here goes my list. There may be addendums or switch outs, that’s all okay. All I need are 50 things, it doesn’t matter which 50.

1. sell or give away my huge, old, barristers desk, nicknamed ‘my boyfriend.’
2. sell the piano (it’s too big for us to move around. we can buy an electric keyboard with whatever we sell it for and G can play that.)
3. wok
4. pots and pans I don’t use
5. blender
6. old sewing machine table
7. big white round table
8. tanks that are too small or too tattered
9. orange plaid vintage dress
10. exersaucer
11. doorway jumperoo
12. old black frames
13. red plates
14. typewriter
15. shoes
16. old video tapes
17. old books
18. wig
19. unused or usedup art supplies
20. broken children books
21. all saved glass jars and tins
22. ratty red cushions
23. old outdated files from the bookcases
24. boppy
25. slings (to flying squirrel)
26. baby mobile (to flying squirrel)
27. nice baby clothes (to flying squirrel)
28. donate baby clothes (to salvation army)
29. my handmade scrapbook
30. the worlds largest laundry basket (aka the broken co-sleeper)
31. straw mat
32. an old coat
33. another old coat
34. decorative paper party lanterns
35. ‘witches brew o words’
36. rooster
36. strange paper vase
37. candle stick with green shade
38. scarves I don’t wear
39. old holy socks
40. brass wine cup
41. broken terracotta weird cat/dog thing
42. that found bike that is too big for G and will be so for about 5 years
43. paper supplies that I just won’t use
44. art books that I just don’t care about
45. all metal hangers
46. big white wall shelf that I’m never going to put up
47. some tea cups that I used to collect
48. those square ice chests
49. old phone books
50. ohmigodmylastone! a whole bunch of old makeup and perfumes and creams and what have you from the medicine cabinet (second sweep)

Now that I look at this list, I may have to do another fifty once I am done with this fifty, but I will still mark this fifty as quite an accomplishment when this is done, because I have put some might difficult toss-aways on this list.

Phew! Now get started on the tossing.

See more progress on: Purge useless things and outmoded ideas

I've got to get cracking!

Yesterday, I hit 21,704 words. Passed the 20k milestone!

Now it’s 1:25 pm. And I have a feeling that one or both of the littles will be up soon.

Man, I should have started writing sooner. But I had the nerve to shower, dress, eat something, get some more coffee, check a couple of emails and a story on AOL about how astronomers have found a planet outside of our solar system—this actually is connected to my science fiction story, so I had to read it.

Well, I still have time to get my writing done. Maybe. No need to anticipate failure, right?

Lets get moving, and maybe I’ll get my reward for hitting 25k today. I asked for a crock pot. So unglamorous, but I like the idea of cooking without all the tending. It would make my life easier.

Okay, get to work now. I really do want to aim for 25k. It’s only 3,296 words. I think my average daily word count is just over four thousand.

OH NO! I HEAR A BABY CRYING! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

See more progress on: Win Nanowrimo 2007