Warrior Girl- art and transformation

Nanowrimo Ate My Blog (or it might have if I'd actually been blogging)

2011-11-10T17:02:00.001-05:00

Alley and Wires
watercolor and pen on paper
8.5"x 5"

Yipes! Where have I been? Not blogging, that's for sure. And not painting, either.

But I have been writing.

I am not going nearly as fast as I have gone in the past. No five thousand word days for me. I have not gotten so far ahead in my count that I am on track to be done by the fifteenth.

I have actually been writing my minimum. No, not my minimum, which has always been two thousand words a day. I have actually been writing the suggested nanowrimo minimum-- 1667 words a day. More or less.

It makes me nervous to not get ahead, to not have the word cushion. But, I have decided that if I keep going at a good pace, a moderate pace of 1667 words a day, more or less, then I am doing pretty well. If I fall behind, which has happened, I know I can catch up with a 3k word day, or three 2k days. More or less.

I'm wondering what will happen after nanowrimo is over, when I haven't burnt myself out by overachieving and ignoring all other responsibilities. Maybe keeping a more moderate pace will actually help me build a writing practice that I can continue with through out the year. I have been disappointed in my ability to keep it up. I go in jags. No writing at all, then a few months of intense writing. I don't really like that work pattern, but my life has had other ideas, and it ends up not actually being about what I really like.

As for AEDM, I have not been creating Art Every Day this Month. Sad face. But that's ok. Going along with my gentle treatment of myself, I am not going to freak out over not reaching my goal. I am, however, going to keep trying to get back into art.

I recently decided that what I'd like to do is get back into art journaling. I miss journaling. That might have been part of why my writing practice and my blogging practice fell off... because my journaling practice has been pretty lame.

So. I'm going to draw pictures in my journal, paint a scene, like today's drawing. I based it on a snap shot I took on the way to work. Then I sat in the break room at my job and sketched it out. Finding my minutes of creativity anywhere I can.

Well, I've written my two thousand and some catch up words this morning. I did some doodling at work. I did a pencil drawing this morning before I started writing, as I sat at my desk and stared out the window. I also added some drawings to a background that I prepped in my journal. Truth be told, I don't know where my directions in art will go. I'm just going to open up my journal every day and see what happens. Or a couple of times a day until I catch up on all the drawing days I've missed.

Switching up the pace might be good for me.

10 Tricks for Writing 50k Words in November

2011-11-01T19:32:00.000-04:00

Believe

acrylic and gel pen on paper

8x5"

It's the beginning of nanowrimo and the beginning of AEDM and I am off to a satisfactory start. I have not even started my piece of art for AEDM, but I am planning to do that during Glee tonight. But then I knew I wouldn't have art in time for posting, if I was going to blog today, so I planned ahead and painted a companion piece to the last one, the self portrait with writing hat.

This is it together in my moleskine. It's about taking charge of my own dreams, knowing what I want and taking action. That's what the hand is about, it's about self determination. This is your hand. It does stuff. What do you want it to do? Do it. Believe in your ability to get it done.

This is me in my writing hat, getting ready to sit down and win nanowrimo. That's my Work In Progress on the laptop. That's my desk. That's my semi-clean porch out the window. Those are my reading glasses, because at 40 I realize I have trouble focusing on something that is in front of me when I sit for long periods of time. Plus it keeps me from gazing out the window at the now fuzzy world beyond my glasses.

I figured that since this is my sixth year of doing nanowrimo and I have won 5 out of 5 tries, I'd like to write about some of the tricks that I have used to actually hit 50k words (and usually beyond.)

1. Aim for 2000 words a day, not 1667 like it says. 2000 is a nice round number and it gives you a bit of cushion. It also makes you feel good and productive when you are doing better than you need to do on that little graph thingy on your nano page.

2. Remember that November is often a very busy month and you might have external commitments. A birthday coming up? Count that in. (Is it YOUR birthday, ask for time to write, or tools to help you write, or a writing date!) Do you have to cook dinner for 20 on Thanksgiving. Plan around Thanksgiving. Maybe add in a few extra hundred words for each day, knowing you will be out of commission for a couple of days. Is work a busy time? Write notes on your lunch break to keep your head in your novel.

3. Do you have specific days free? Take as many hours as you can and just write write write. Get ahead of yourself.

4. Get a timer. Set it for 15 minutes and start writing. Do not stop writing until the timer dings. Do not stare out the window. Do not puzzle over choosing the right word. Do not anguish over some bad writing or a plot twist you didn't plan. Just keep writing.

5. As for those unplanned scenes and plot twists... if you find they have taken you off course, do not despair and do not delete. Find where the story went awry and hilight the naughty text. You will take it out later in the revision stage after you read it over to see if there's anything salvageable. Now start over again, as if the naughty disagreeable writing didn't happen. Word count is still word count. It's still part of your novelling process, it will simply be removed in the revision process, along with many other words. Don't worry, that's part of the way it works.

6. Back to that timer, when life outside of nano starts to weigh on you, and you know you have to take care of washing dishes or doing homework or spending quality time with someone or calling mom, set that alarm to go off in 15 minutes. Take care of that life business, call your mom, scrub the bathroom, finish that homework, then when it goes off, you can get back to your writing, knowing that you are not so neglectful of your life as you were 15 minutes ago. If you have still more life stuff to get to, set your alarm so that you can write for 15 minutes, and then when that is done, do another 15 minutes of chores. Frankly, life can definitely move forward in small baby steps of 15 minutes. Sometimes the smaller chunk is less stressful.

7. Race yourself. Try to beat yesterday's word count. If you hit your word count, but are only 302 words away from a nice round number grand total, go for that round number. If you get that grand total and then realize that you are only 87 words away from reaching 3k for the day, you stretch for that extra 3k. This self competition technique has actually bolstered my count hugely on a daily basis. I can't bear to "just" miss some nice juicy number, so I push myself. I mean, really 87 words is not much at all, and I usually do far more than that, and then there's another nice number to hit after that.

8. Write during commercials. It sounds crazy, but prime time television is how I wind down, and sometimes, not always, I can manage to get a few hundred to a few thousand words simply by writing in those few minutes. This does depend on my mood and ability to focus for the day. If it isn't working, forget it. Put the novel aside. Get some down time. Go ahead and watch tv or whatever it is that recharges you. You don't have to stress yourself out and work all the time. Give yourself a reward for being on track, or for hitting a daily word count. Or for catching up. Or whatever.

9. Speaking of other things that recharge you, sometimes I like to exercise my other creative muscles. Painting gets my brain going in other ways, but the creativity is still going. What gets you going? Dancing? I can see that recharging the body and the mind. Exercise? If you need it, don't neglect it. It's quite possible that giving your brain a time to go on autopilot while exercising will allow your brain to mull over plot points and character development without interference, anxiety or stress. Take a break from writing. Take a shower. Go for a walk. Meet friends. Just remember that you have to keep your word count going.

10. Keep track of your progress in a visually satisfying way. I have a graph in my notebook that keeps track of my daily word count. For every 100 words, I hilight one square. I have lines for each day marking the various word count goals... the bare minimum 1667, my personal minimum of 2k. 2500 which would make a more hefty 70k word novel, the I-can-relax goal of 3k, which means I don't have to write at all that day if I don't want to, and the happy happy celebration goal of 5k. I only hit that a couple time in a nano, but it's a good feeling. Every time I mark my graph, I feel a sense of accomplishment. This is how far I've come. And because I can see the progress, I do not feel as discouraged, even when I don't always get as far as I want to. And I can also see when I am slipping, and that encourages me to get back to what I know I can do.

These are my word count goals. There is no padding in my stories like I've seen some people do. There are no make believe forced in plot lines just to keep writing. This is just about getting myself to sit down and write, because that, I've found, is the part that is the hardest.

Putting On My Writing Hat

2011-10-25T14:53:00.000-04:00

Put On My Writing Hat
acrylic, sharpie, on paper moleskine

Yesterday, I decided to do some sketching. I drew a self portrait from a quickly snapped digital picture. I know the chin is too prominent, but that's what happens when you use sharpie. You're stuck with it, more or less.

Sketching turns out to be a good way to start my day. I don't know if I will make it a habit, I only have so many minutes before I have to get going on my regular days, and there are always so many different things that I'd like to start off with. But this day, a day off of work, turned out to be a good one.

Getting ready to nano, I am starting to get my outline together. It's never as much time as I want, but it's what I have. I put my hat on, my "writing hat", before I got started. It kept my brains from wandering all over the place when I was trying to write. I know it's probably silly, but I also think that it might be a good sense memory-association to cultivate. Hat goes on: girl goes writing.

I took my hat, pulled together a writing folder, gathered up my index cards, collected my pens, printed out my previous notes, and headed to the cafe, where I stared out the window, drank a latte and ate coffee cake, and began a snowflake outline.

The funny thing is, I only had a couple of hours to write, but while I wasn't writing, I got so much else done. Cleaning and cooking and working with kids and painting and blogging.

It is so terribly hard to sit down and start writing when you haven't been writing and you are out of practice, but when you actually get started, the momentum can carry you forward in all sorts of productive ways.

And that's what I'm working on, getting a creative momentum going, building up those good writing habits, pulling together the supplies I need, getting out the ideas so that I am not stopped by "what do I do next." And staring out the window, mulling things over. That too.

What do you do to get your creative momentum going? Do you have creative habits? Talismans? Schedules? Routines?

The Girl, Creation and Destruction

2011-10-24T18:23:00.001-04:00

The Girl,
acrylic on paper
8.5" x 5"

Since I have decided to both work and stay home (it's a fancy trick, involving part time and weekend hours and a sometimes babysitter) boy oh boy is it hard to get creative work done.

To be honest, this is probably why I haven't been keeping up with my blog as much as I used to. I just have a load and a half on my plate. The kids, oh the kids. You know, it never really gets easier... or it does, but then their needs change and you have to adjust everything all over again.

But for all the frustrations, and for all that a kid can wreck your living room and anything left within reach of grubby little hands, a kid is also a fountain of creativity.

Since having kids, I have learned how to do all sorts of things that I always wanted to and had never bothered to sit down and try. From baking a chicken to making a stuffed animal to writing a novel and taking it through the draft process, I have never been more creative.

Well. Aside from the three years of pregnancy and infanthood, and these last few months that have not been kind to my writing or painting. Ok, so periodically, the creativity hasn't been that good, but overall, parenting has added a whole new level of creativity to my creating.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, and when you're a mother, everything is about necessity.

I NEED to have something creative for myself outside of creativity. I NEED to leave something for my kids, a body of work or an example of work ethic. I NEED to make something for dinner though I haven't been to the grocery store. I NEED to use my childfree time productively. I NEED to make something cute for Christmas presents. They NEED something to make them feel special. They NEED a fun birthday party despite a slight budget. They NEED to allow their imaginations to run free. They NEED that toy they see so it's lucky I can figure out a way to make it.

Really, the needs are endless, and it's those needs that inspire my creativity. Sometimes the needs are their's, sometimes they are mine, but since becoming a mom, my life has been much, MUCH less about what I want, and much more about what I and my family need.

Right about now, I need to get back to my writing, to remember my creative routines, and to take myself more seriously as an artist and a writer. I'm not really sure how I'm going to balance this need with the needs of sticky fingers, and hungry bellies and clingy arms... but I need to figure it out.

The Boy, Inspiration and Frustration

2011-10-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

The Boy
acrylic on paper, 5"x8"

Ah, inspiration. And frustration.

Here I am, thinking about being creative again, wondering how to get back to the daily practice that I used to have. Trying to remember bits about who I was and who I am, and daily, I have these little beings running around, getting in the way, teaching me things, demanding stuff, making me bigger, shrinking my life down to size.

Art and Transformation. For me, that is what it's all about. It is a spiritual practice that centers me and grounds me and allows me to experiment and explore. It helps me believe in myself. It helps me understand the world. Art allows me to interpret my life, it also allows me to share with the world my thoughts and feelings and spirit and energy. Art builds us up. My life is built upon art.

But I can't separate this art from my children. I can't separate myself into the mom and the artist. Sometimes I wish I could. I wish I could go back to when it was just me and I could spend hours, days, weeks, even months in the pursuit of my various artistic tendencies.

Now, when I create, I always have to consider my children. They are always at least in the back of my mind. I have a timer waiting to go off, to tell me that it is time to be a mom again. Or I have toys scattered around my house, even on my desk, reminding me that I have duties.

Once, I was told that it was impossible for a woman to continue to be an artist once she has kids. That is not true, I thought then, and continue to believe now. It is possible for a woman to be an artist with children, but the way she is an artist changes. What are the changes? Who does an artist who is a mother, a mother who is an artist have to become in order to synthesize her double identities?

I think art may help me understand. I think if I didn't have my art, I might easily be swallowed by the role of mother.

But then, maybe this kind of struggle is not limited to being a parent. Sure, being a mom is kind of an all encompassing state, not just personally, but culturally, too. The role of motherhood is huge. But don't all artists have to struggle with balancing their artistic lives with their real lives? I had a similar struggle as a teacher, or as a younger woman living my life, falling in and out of love, searching for happiness and meaning.

Perhaps accepting that being an artist and living our human lives can be a struggle, a balancing act. We all have external demands and internal demons. How do we handle them all to create a creative and personal life that is fulfilling?

How do you balance your life and your art? Where do you struggle?

La Frida, or Remembering My Heroes

2011-10-13T11:14:00.000-04:00

La Frida, Articulated Paper Doll
with diego, monkey, flower, apron, heart, and shawl accessories.
Giclee Print, metal brads and embroidery floss

You see this here? This is my commitment. Two posts in a row. Sometimes I forget that I have made a commitment and I get lazy and sit around watching tv or surfing the internet. Sometimes my laziness has a purpose and I am really stirring some sort of pot inside of myself, waiting for the ingredients (that have already been added) to come to the right temperature, to meld, to transform into just the right kind of stew.

Right now, I think I'm kind of in the taste testing phase of my stewing.

Is this the right flavor? Has it been cooking long enough? Do I need to add something? Am I missing an important ingredient? Am I patient enough? Am I stirring it enough? Heat too high, too low?

How do you like my metaphor?

Well, yesterday, I posted a picture of my La Pintura paper doll, the artist inside of me. The desire to create, to throw myself into new images, messy paint, visual passions, color, etc. Today, I show my little Frida doll. She, I suppose, represents those people who have inspired me in my life. If I'm speaking artwise, it's not just Frida Kahlo, but also Van Gogh, Lucien Freud, Kiki Smith, Klimt, Egon Schiele, Degas, Rothke, Chagall, Rousseau, Basquiat, Alice Neel, Gaugin, and many other artists that I've loved over the years.

Today, I've spent time on my pinterest boards, looking at art, paintings, photographs, portraits... I love to let what I love inspire me to create. This is part of what my art is made of. Those that have come before, those that have influenced me at different times of my life.

But if I want to be creative again, I can't let myself stop with just looking at what other people have done. I can't just be a consumer of art (and writing and movies and tv and music) I have to actually start using my rusty creative muscles. Not only should I consume, but I should also produce.

And here is where the difficulty happens.

How to get from the unformed, stewing ideas to the active creation?

What else am I doing today?
I am writing lists.
I am brainstorming.
I am sketching.
I am using exercises or prompts to start low stakes projects.
I am crossing media lines, going from art to writing to photography and back.
I am joining communities to support my creativity.
I am doing, not just watching and waiting.

It's time, I guess. Do I have it figured out? No, but am I taking the steps to make my ideas concrete? Yes.

This is where my stew metaphor falls apart. Oh well. I have to get back to work, I guess I can't fuss with the stew anymore.

Is anyone else joining nanowrimo or art everyday month in November?

La Pintura On The Way Back

2011-10-12T09:20:00.003-04:00

La Pintura, articulated paper doll.

paper, giclee print, metal brads

Long time no see.

I've been in hiding. Well, not really in hiding so much as in a fallow period. Busy with daily life and silent on the outside. But at the same time, I feel a lot of work has been going on under the surface, even if my forward momentum seems to have stalled.

But the way my life works, I've found this is actually a normal part of the process. Again and again, I've gone through quiet, struggling periods of life, where art is silent and the transformation process is dark and quiet.

It would be easy to get stuck there, to think, "I have creative block," or "I give up," or "I just can't do it, my life is too difficult to allow these goals in." But the truth is, my goals as an artist and a writer are not just something that comes from the outside, they are a part of me. Even when I'm not painting or writing, I still feel that urge, and it gets stronger and stronger until I have to work my way back. Because I am just who this Paper Doll says I am. I am The Painter. And I am The Writer. I am the Artist even if she's quiet sometimes.

So here I am working my way back, trying to find the right steps to take me back to creativity and productivity. That's okay. Remember, this si part of the process. I'm beginning to remember creativity as a choice, a daily choice. I'm beginning to remember myself as the creator, even at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and have been taking care of other people all day long. Part of taking care of myself is creating things.

So.

So then. The baby steps I am taking are towards recommitting to art and writing. I have begun painting again, little things in my journals. I took out my new-used sewing machine for the first time and gave it a whirl. I went back to my old novels and read them over to get ready for a new commitment to nanowrimo.org.

Yes, I'm going to try to write a novel in November, again. I am very worried, to tell the truth. I've met the goals every year for the last five, but this year, my habits are so poor and my mind is so out of writing that I am concerned that I won't be able to get the writing juices flowing and actually sit down at the computer every day.

So I am afraid. And that means I have to do it. Is fear what has been stopping me all along? Am I just using busy-ness and fallow-ness as an excuse for not doing it?

Well, I'm going to try again. I'm going to go for the daily commitment. And I might as well do Art Everyday Month, too. Commit to a daily creative practice and it will come back, I know this. Because for all I've been "The Mom" all this summer and autumn, I really am "The Artist." I am "The Writer." I am "The Painter." It's just who I am, and I am going to find a way to integrate all these parts of me. I just am.

Wish me luck.

Alien Freaks aka Cute Li'l Guys

2011-07-22T09:36:00.007-04:00

Alien Freaks aka Cute Li'l Guys

(all following) about 4" in diameter, felt, thread, rice.

Here's a thought: Do we value the special unique qualities that make us who we are?

Or do we think those little quirks about us make us somehow wrong? Somehow not good enough? Freakish? Flawed? Ugly?

I made these beanbags, by hand, for Gabriel's 6th birthday party. The plan was to use them in a beanbag toss game and then let the kids take them home for a goody treat.

I had to squelch down my worries that they wouldn't want a dorky handmade goody treat. Or that my flubs in stitching would make these rejects. Or that no mom would want a kid to bring home a thing stuffed with rice. Or that the designs would not be cute enough.
But guess what? Every kid, from 4 to 11 snatched one of these little babies up. They picked the ones they liked best and those were owned.
Even the first attempts, the wonky little guys with wonky little eyes and wonky little tentacles.
And you want to know what? Even the one that was left over... I took it. Mine, I said, defending it greedily from six year old paws. Mine. I pinned it up over my desk. They didn't understand the delicate curlycues and the subtle color scheme, but that one was mine. The kids liked the wonky ones better. Go figure.
I'm even going to have to make replicas of some of the ones that went away for little girls who want friends for theirs.
What is this all about?

This is about trusting your own uniqueness, your own alien beingness, your own wonkiness. Someone out there will love you the way you are. Someone will love what you create with your own two wonky hands. And even if they don't, what you do is just the path towards you learning who you are, what you love, and how to make it.

Trust. Keep trying. Look with unbiased eyes at what you do. Look for the loveliness, not the flaw. Imagine your work was created by someone else and see it for what it is, without your own feelings of unworthiness and not-good-enough-ness getting in the way.

Loving yourself, is the key. Believing in yourself. Trusting in your vision and your process.

Saying yes to who you are and what you do.

What do you want to make of this world of yours?

2011-07-20T10:24:00.004-04:00

colored gel pens, ink, sharpie marker, recycled menu

4x8"

What DO you want to make of this world of yours?

It is possible to make it, did you know that?

That's the first step to changing your world, to creating something new, to transforming yourself, to breaking out of your rut... believing that it is possible.

This is where art can help with transforming your very soul.

Art makes things possible. It creates them as a reality, even before they are a reality. As humans, when we imagine something, when we ponder how it could be created, when we mark down the boundaries of something, we are taking steps to make the ideas real.

Sorry to sound as if I am a text book, but I myself am trying to create something in my life. And I know the first step is to imagine it so clearly I can see the steps to take to make it real.

This very drawing/doodle/sketch I posted above is an exercise in creating what I want in the world.

Facing the empty page, I said, "what do I want to make in this world? what do I want to have? what do I want to see?"

What I wanted was positivity. What I wanted was energy. What I wanted was about giving, not taking. It was about belief and personal power. So I drew it.

And look at me here, today, the very next day, being positive, energetic (yes I washed the dishes before sitting down), sharing, and believing in the very possibilities I am creating.

Make the world you want.

Imagine it.

Believe it.

Take the steps towards it.

Live it.

It could be about a personal mindset, a zen belief in life, like here. It could be about creating an etsy shop. It could be about writing and publishing a novel. It could be about making an ice cream cake when you never have before.

See. I did that too. It was pretty tasty, although not perfect, and not without troubles in the execution. But I did it, and I could do it better next time.

Creating is about making the world you want to see, and it is about standing in your own power.

You can do it.

I Am Not Lost I Am Just In Camouflage

2011-07-12T09:34:00.003-04:00

I Am Not Lost I Am Just In Camouflage

acrylic on paper, moleskine

5x7" 7/12/11

I did this yesterday. Took most of the day to paint and futz around with my art work. I did this one, and also, I've kind of been trying to figure out what style I want to paint portraits in. Sometimes it feels too cartoony, or not cartoony enough, too modeled, not modeled enough, too rough, too realistic, too pretty, too ugly.

I don't know if other artists have this sort of dilemma. Sometimes it feels like I am struggling with it because I am basically a weekend painter. Between the kids and the job and the house and the writing and the wasting time obsessions, I don't have enough time to dedicate to experimentation and creating and discovery-- the journey. But maybe that's just a story I tell. If you add together all the years I've been working on art, the moments after bedtime or the summers before kids, the painting sessions with my tiny watercolor set, the sketching while at work, the doodling while in meetings, the classes I've taken, the museums I've visited, the books I've read, the classes I've taught, the crafts I've concocted, the photos I've taken... this is the life of an artist.

Just because I don't do it as my full time job, or because I didn't get an MFA doesn't mean I'm not an artist. I've spent 35 years developing my art. I'm lucky because I was born to an artist and was encouraged even when I was very young, but I think we all have a tendency to devalue what we have achieved, our own personal journey, and only see what we do not have.

What makes us artists? I believe that all humans are inherently creative, an artist is simply someone who focuses their energy on developing that creativity, on growing and experimenting, on discovering who they are and what they have to say, and honing their skills.

We can be artists at any stage of development, and as artists, we might very well have different purposes for being artists. While one person wants to be the next Sally Mann or Kiki Smith or Chuck Close, another person might just want have an outlet for their personal self expression, with no desire to show or create a commodity at all. Me, I think I'm somewhere in between.

I would love to be able to make a career out of my art and writing, to not have a day job, but I also think that I would do it anyway, even if I never made any money at all. And more than making money for me, I want to be an artist who teaches and enlightens others.

I suppose that's what my blog has become. I share my journey, sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, but I do it so that I can shed a little light on the creative process, share with people who need inspiration, and perhaps find some sort of balance between living and creating. I don't know if I achieve that, but I try.

As for the painting, I am slowly developing a style of figurative work that pleases me. When I was painting the picture above, I went back to some old paintings that I wasn't satisfied with and adjusted the faces. Yes. What I thought was done, was not done. I might still continue to work on them. The process is never done. Or I suppose it is done sometimes, when you let go of a piece and send it out into the world or stuff it into a drawer... or maybe not, because you can revisit the images or ideas, they can continue on.

Oh just like life. Our process is ours. Our life is ours to develop, no matter what other people are doing. Just stay true to ourselves, try to be us, not someone else. Keep going. The journey is not over until we give up on it.

Keep on trucking.

(this painting inspired by this photo)

2011-07-03T09:01:00.003-04:00

Strangers in a Bar

This is my second post in my July photo challenge. And my second picture. The theme for this was "strangers."

It was a hot day. The air conditioning was nice. The cold beer was nice. Sometimes it's nice to just sit in a nearly empty bar by yourself and be a stranger. Yes, I think I was the stranger.

And in an attempt to not be a stranger to my blog readers, I am trying to get back to the habit of posting. Even if this is the July 4th weekend and everyone is out doing summery celebratory things and this isn't exactly an enlightening post.

The theme for today's picture will be "lunch". I might be able to manage this.

See you tomorrow and have a happy Independence Day. And if you don't celebrate Independence Day, have a happy Sunday.

Night. Street.

2011-07-02T10:17:00.004-04:00

Night

I'm going to try to do this photo challenge, here. I've been such a bad blogger lately that I need a prod to get me going again, but I don't know if I'm up to doing any of my old painting a day things. I like to take little photographs and my camera is easy to carry around, so I thought this might help me blog better again.

This photo above is my first attempt to fit into the challenge. The theme is "Street". Is it kind of fudging the challenge if I take these moving-car-on-the-road pictures quite often? Oh, who cares. The challenge is the commitment, not each individual theme. Today is "Strangers" and that will be harder for me because I am a rather private person. I don't like to bother strangers. (Never mind the public blog, ok? I don't mean writing. Writing is not the same as being face to face with strangers.)
Rain. Green. Street.

watercolor on paper 5x8

In fitting with the theme, I did a watercolor sketch a few days ago, in my journal. More than the painting itself, I think it was important that I sat out side on my porch with my watercolor set and actually painted.

It was good to sit in the moment and focus on what the moment was about, not the future or to do lists or worries or things to do or any of that. Just the moment, the rain, the green and the gray, the paint, the paper.

Paying attention to the world you are living in. Paying attention to the moment that is happening right now. This is important.

This is What I Would Do, Grounded Girl

2011-06-17T10:08:00.005-04:00

What I Would Do, Grounded Girl

acrylic and gold paint pen on moleskine, 5x8"

I painted this one yesterday, inspired by this image. My addiction to pinterest DOES pay off.

Anyway, I've been very caught up in house hold duties. It is my first end of school as a parent, and I am making all sorts of plans to help my son get ready for first grade, since he was still struggling a little at the end of kindergarten. I've made a school alcove and project plans, and have started on some other things, like a paint chip alphabet set. I'll show those when I get a little farther along. I've got a star chart for overcoming challenges, finishing projects and chores and have even made a little box of treats for them when they've hit a certain number of stars.

A lot of work.

I have, however, been letting the novel writing slide. I was at a place in the rewrite where I realized I needed to delete another chapter, and it all seemed like it was going so slow, and I was realizing that I was not able to do this writing thing full time, seeing as I have a job and kids to take care of. For a while, I thought this meant that I should give up, that I would never get to the point I wanted to reach, never finish this book, never publish.

But I think that was part of the process.

When I stepped back a little and realized that this was a marathon, not a sprint, it helped. When I began to think about how everything in my life feeds into my dreams, where I want to go and what I need to do, I stopped thinking that "this" (being the life I am actually living) is blocking "that" (being the life that I dream of living).

So yesterday when I started painting, I was half way into the painting, with all it's layers and ticks and hatches, and I realized that THIS was what I would do. Remember the long term goals, and add up all those little seconds and small efforts and baby steps, and realize that these are what get me to my dreams. These are the things that build up and create the dream as a real thing, not a fantasy.

This one. This life. It's the same as that one. That dream.

What small things in your every day life are leading you, slowly, to your dreams. Honor them.

Tumbled, Four Self Portraits

2011-06-10T09:15:00.003-04:00

Tumbled, Self Portraits. 1-4

Sharpie, Acrylic Paint, Recycled Chip Board

Yesterday, I had the urge to paint a self portrait. I actually painted one a few days ago that I was not pleased with. I thought, I don't really know what I want to paint... but really, I didn't know HOW I wanted to paint.

So I snapped a picture. This is it. I took my hair out of the bun, and it tumbled down. And I liked the motion in the tumbled hair, so I decided to use it as the basis for a quick drawing/painting.

Then I had some 3x4 pieces of chipboard that I had cut out, because I like to cut my recycling into useful bits. Then I took a sharpie and drew out a quick contour drawing. Moments, it took only moments, and that's the way I liked it.
Tumbled #1

Then I filled the face with titan buff, and outlined the features in black, colored in the hair, added some pink, shaded a bit with pink, buff and black, painted the background with cobalt turquoise and buff, then added the white hilights and shirt.

Tumbled #2

Then I took out another piece of chipboard and did it again. I was afraid to ruin the first one, because I liked the expressiveness of it. Thought maybe I couldn't do it again, it wouldn't be the same, I would lose whatever it was I liked. Except that didn't happen. The next painting, using the same techniques was different from the first, and in some ways better. Some things worked even better. I even went back and added some of the things I learned from the second piece into the first piece, taking from both sketches to improve the painting.

Tumbled #3

Each time I started over, I came to the painting with more to give. And I learned more from each painting. And each painting became it's own, important, individual thing, with something new to reveal about the subject. I like the swoopy feel given by the contour sketches. I like that the features don't stay the same, but there is still emphasis on the same things, the eyes, the cheekbones, the jaw and hairline. I like the way the hair changes shape each time, tumbling through the variations.

Tumbled #4

This is a great exercise to try, to lower your own expectations of yourself, to handle your own fear of not doing things right or not being perfect.

I spent twice as much time on that other portrait (which I'm not showing you) and like it have as much as each one of these. There is something to be said for loosening up, and not being so attached to a perfect outcome.

Try it yourself. Try to make small sketches of the same theme. Or take your recycling and turn it into something, without worrying that you are ruining something valuable. Or take an old story that you have given up on and chop it up, rearrange it, remove characters or throw in a plot twist. Take an old shirt that you no longer wear and make it into something for summer. Chop it up, stitch it back together, add something that is special, but not precious to it. Accept it for what it is, and then make it loved.

Not Knowing and Releasing Attachment

2011-06-06T15:48:00.003-04:00

Not Knowing

acrylic and paper, moleskine

5x8"

Life is a mystery.

It is an unknown.

Even if you make plans and believe you know where everything is going, there never is a guarantee.

But you've got to keep trying. You have to have faith that everything is going to work out in the end, or if it doesn't work out, that you learn enough to make the failure worth while.

I like art when I don't know where it is going. Sometimes, when I get too secure in my artistic vision or technique, I feel like I am stifling. I like the questions that are embedded in my creating. I like the results of chance that happen when my brush goes over the page and changes a shadow or silhouette. I like how different colors react against each other. I like being able to consider whatever is happening on my page, taking it for what it is and working to make it more pleasing or more meaningful.

It is hard to do this with life sometimes, when you are expecting certain outcomes and then you don't get them.

I think this is the Buddhist concept of releasing attachment, and it has always been a difficult one.

We think we should have THIS result.

We don't get it.

We are dissatisfied.

What if instead, we live life in the way we go about creating a painting:

Have a rough idea or sketch in mind.

Pick up a brush and take action.

Step back and look at the results.

Decide if those results work for you.

Take action to either change or accept those results.

Move on to the next step.

No railing against fate. No fighting with other people about not getting what you want. No resentment or feelings of failure. Just acceptance of what is. Action without anguish. Moving forward.

It seems like a life lived without attachment, accepting the what-is, would be a much more peaceful kind of life.

But I do believe that releasing attachment requires that you have quite a bit of faith. You have to trust that in the end things will come out all right. That you will be all right. And even if you don't have a guarantee in the results, you need to have enough faith in yourself to believe that you will be able to handle whatever happens next.

Maybe that's why releasing that attachment is so hard, because it is hard to have that kind of faith in yourself.

Oh, and I know that being an artist is not as easy as all that, too. I know that it is hard to release attachment and have faith in our ability to create something beautiful and moving. I know that some artists will burn everything that they have ever created because they are so tortured. I know that when we create, we are also fighting all our demons at the same time. It's interesting to see how creating art can be such a mirror to living life. And I'm glad I get to practice living in my creating. It helps me see the living part with just a tiny bit more perspective.

Standing Still and Dreams

2011-06-02T08:33:00.003-04:00

Standing Still/Porch Steps

I took out my camera to take a picture of Ivy riding her bike, and when I turned it on, this is the image I saw in the screen. I said, hells yeah, and snapped a picture. I loved all the textures, the different colors of gray, the leaves, the slippers, and then my constant companions, a journal and my big honking bag.

And then when I was looking for a work of art to post today, I was choosing between two paintings, (yes I have a back log of paintings) one of which I like better, and then this one

Standing Still/Flying Girl

acrylic on paper, 8x5"

I said, it's the same thing.

Standing still, grounding oneself, and still managing to fly.

This is the tension of life, my life, at least. Finding a way to be grounded in the every day living while still letting the imagination fly, while still being creative. A balance between ideas and reality. The dance of the dreams and the what-is.

I can't say I've mastered this dance. I'm still learning the steps. And these steps keep changing. Always new ones to learn.

How do you manage to balance the real world with your dreams?

Cells and Building Blocks

2011-05-27T09:48:00.003-04:00

Cells and Building Blocks

pencil, pen, watercolor on paper

5/26

For the last six years, I have been struggling to remember who I am. Where I want to go. What I really want to do with my life. My art.

This is confusing, because I am who I am, even in this time of kids and jobs and housekeeping and normal every day living. I am living my life and I am thankful for the life that I have, but at the same time... it's really hard to maintain focus when there are so many things pulling on you.

This is a different way of living than it was when I was single and had all my free time to devote to writing, art and dreams. Now, half the time, I am still devoting time to writing, art and dreams... but it's the writing, art and dreams of my kids. I don't mean that metaphorically. Working with G on his school work and practicing writing. Setting up projects and helping the kids in their painting, plays, music performances and other creative outbursts (also cleaning up from said creative outbursts). And dealing with nightmares, midnight wakings, bedtime routines, as well as the kids adventures in discovering their own dreams for themselves.

A fully worthy focus.

Except I can't help feeling frustrated at my inability to keep up with my personal goals.

As usual, this blog is about recovering, maintaining and exploring my creative goals. Since the very beginning, when I was trying to get back to being creative after having two kids, this is what it was. But I am creative again. I've found my voice again. Now I want to be heard.

This is a different journey, although a continuation. And I am writing this while the back of my mind ruminates over the bad chapter that I am revising in my novel. I want this book done. I want to finish my synopsis and send it out with my query letters. I want to get OUT in the world.

You'd figure if I really wanted to have my voice heard, I would post more than once a week, but like I said, it is hard to keep my focus in this busy world of living. I guess it is for everyone. And the only way I know to reach for those seemingly unreachable and frustratingly close goals is to take baby steps.

To paint one journal entry.

To write one extra blog entry this week (this makes 2 this week!)

To spend an hour before work (or after or at bedtime or whenever) revising my novel

To carry my "How to Write a Synopsis" book with me and read it whenever I get 15 minutes

To add another print to my etsy shop

To crochet a granny square or two while watching SYTYCD (it's back on, yay!)

To slowly work on organizing my workspace

To take notes on my synopsis in those slow moments at work

To have an artist date with my daughter where we can both paint and draw

To take photos whenever the need strikes me

To never give up on those things I really want, even when my efforts seem useless and it seems I have been working on them for an eternity without much progress, to never give up

To believe and remember and commit even though it's not perfect or easy

To never give up.

I said that part a lot. Never give up. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, wondering if all these years of effort are worth it. But I guess I decided it is.

I'm still at it.

You don't give up, either.

Believe/Grounded

2011-05-25T11:29:00.004-04:00

Believe/Grounded

paper, pencil, acrylic paint

8.5 x5"

This morning I sat down to draw with a couple of things in my head for inspirations. One of them here, and one of them here.

But what came out was this painting. Why? What does it mean? I meant it to mean, "I am trying to stay grounded," but as I painted, I got a feeling of anxiety and oppression. Not what I was intending.

And then I began to see the hatchmarks not as time passing, which sometimes is what it feels, but words. Words on a page, words in a book, words spoken and heard. Ideas made real.

And then I thought of this "write one word over and over" prompt from Wreck this Journal. And I had somewhere to go with this piece that wasn't oppressive. I still feel like there might be room on the opposite journal page for words or even color, but right now, this is where I am.

I like this piece. Hope does come out of darkness, you see.

Rock/Rain

A gratuitous photo, because somehow, the painting feels like stone to me, and perhaps some rain. And I took this photo right after I made the painting. And there's nothing like a rock for being grounded.

Of Writers and Divas

2011-05-18T16:36:00.003-04:00

La Diva Airstream, articulated paper doll

giclee print, mini brads, ~8.5" high

I've printed out, cut out and assembled my La Diva paper doll. I just wanted to show you how cool she turned out when all put together. I still think she needs a frilly apron, and now a vintage camera, but there wasn't room on the paper when I was drawing. Those "new style" skirts take up a lot of material... fabric and/or paper.

She is far more glam than I will ever be, but I am glad that she was commissioned, because I love her.

I've also put her up for sale in my shop. Finally. I'm trying to get my back log up in there, but there's so much I get overwhelmed. So it's an achievement to put her together, do a photo shoot, edit, and list. And then go and write a post! Geez.

So tell me to stop feel like I'm cheating for putting the same piece up two posts in a row. I already feel guilty for letting my once daily blog slip to once weekly if I'm lucky.
The Writer, Altar Ego, close up of articulated paper doll

giclee, paper, mini brads, 8" tall

And here's a reminder about The Writer. She's up in my shop, too. How exciting. Two new things. And she also serves as a constant reminder to myself that I am working on my novel, however slowly, even if it's just researching the query process.

I also started some polymer clay beads last night, while watching Glee, which I just love. It's an experimental process, but I want a new necklace, so I brought out my clay.

I hope your processes are continuing on. I hope you're not too hard on yourself when you don't get as far as you'd like. I hope you're letting your alter egos out to play sometimes. It's good to play sometimes.

La Diva Airstream/Altar Ego (unassembled)

2011-05-12T09:29:00.000-04:00

La Diva Airstream, unassembled articulated paper doll

acrylic paint, pencil, recycled menu

4"x8"

I created this paper doll as a commission, after showing a friend my Writer doll (who is hanging up above my desk with her coffee and manuscript). She wanted a present for her mother on Mother's Day. I whipped it up in a couple of days and assembled it for her as a test. It worked well, and was well received. Alas, I was on such a tight deadline that I forgot to take a picture of the doll once assembled. I am going to have to print up another one to show you. Now I think I want to finish up the other dolls I have, print them up and put them on my etsy shop. Because they are pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

My writer girl keeps reminding me that I should be writing. Sadly, I have not had the opportunity. I keep thinking I should be able to, and then... poof. Yesterday, I wanted to take all day, since I was off both work and childcare, but the power cord to my computer went poof and I spent all morning freaking out, then all afternoon looking for a replacement, then all evening in a funk over where my writing day went. Not productive.

So this morning, half an hour before heading off to work, I wanted to check in here. I know I haven't been writing very often, but I've at least been trying to maintain a once a week presence.

I discovered something interesting though, when I popped into blogger. They now have stats built into the blog system. Who knew? I checked mine out, and found that my most popular entry of all time is this one. Most popular by far. I have no idea how people are finding it, but I read it through and it's a good one. One I should probably listen to. It's decided me on going back to a creativity log, which I have basically been ignoring for the last, oh, couple years. Sometimes I find that I am smarter in the past than I am in the present. Luckily, I have some of my smartness documented on this here blog, so when I get stupid, I can review it and go, "Oh yeah! That works. That's a good idea! Hey, I was pretty smart, but I sure am dumb now." (That last part is probably not productive.)

Why do I do that? Find a system that works and then get lazy? Because I really need this creativity log to keep track of all the various projects and responsibilities that I have.

Perhaps life is continually about making adjustments in what works. I've been wanting to get a writing practice going in the morning before I go to work, but am finding that I am so used to allowing myself the slow waking period, that my time is gone before I know it.

Oh no. I think I have to get up earlier. Oh, drat.

Well, this goes to show that when you want to be an artist of any type, you often have to sacrifice something to the gods of creativity. Lazy mornings. Social life. Money. Well, maybe not, but those are things I have sacrificed.

Ok. Enough talk of sacrifice. Let's get back to focusing on what is done, what has worked, what we have accomplished.

When I begin a new creativity log, I am going to make the new categories like this:

Me (I wanted to skip this, but it is important to remember yourself, particularly when you are a mom)

Writing

Art

Home

Kids

Business (blog and etsy)

Well, maybe that's how I might organize it. I will get back to you when I've actually started using it. I hope I actually start using it.

On another note, I was wondering if any of you had suggestions for new Altar Ego paper dolls. What part of you wants to show up in doll form? What role do you want to remember in a visual manner? I'm working on an artist doll, and a yogini. I think maybe a punk/rockstar might be on the horizon, too. It's fun to draw these girls, and fun to see them come to life when I pin them together. I don't know what it is about the articulated design that just makes them pop, but pop they do.

The Writer/Altar Ego

2011-05-05T12:24:00.003-04:00

The Writer, Articulated Paper Doll

card stock, pencil, acrylic paint, mini brads

about 8" tall

I made myself a paper doll to remind myself of who I want to be. Who I am. Oh she's me, no doubt. The kids found her when she was still in progress and carried her around, having conversations with her, "Hi mommy. Are you going to drink coffee now?" She has accessories, like her manuscript and her cup of joe. Obviously, she's busy revising. Or she can pick up her laptop and notebook and get some first draft work done. Or, she can take her journal, pens and pencils and do some process work.

Sometimes I feel like my other roles take over the parts of me that I really want to focus on. I mean, it's springtime and the kids are cute and I have jobs to do, but I don't want to lose my focus on the long range goals. So I make little reminders for myself. Right now, she's hanging over my desk, on a piece of black embroidery floss. She's like my little alter ego. Or maybe she's my altar ego. A little altar to that part of me.

Who are the parts of you that you need to be reminded of? Who is the you inside of you that needs to get out more?

Patience

2011-04-26T19:05:00.003-04:00

Patience

ink, watercolor pencil, paper

(can you see the little green buds?)

Ahh, my friends. This process of revising, of getting my head on straight, of organizing my ideas and regaining my creativity? It takes a lot longer than I would like.

The world does not become what you want it to, just because you decide it should be that way.

For that matter, it's not just creative projects.

My kids do not clean up after themselves, no matter how much I want them to keep track of their game pieces or put their books in the book shelf. And the economy does not improve just because I have decided that I am done being at its mercy.

And again, spring does not come just because I am sick of winter.

It is cold and cold and cold, and there's a warm day, and then the snows come, and then it's cold and there's a warm day, and the snowdrops sprout, but not the daffodils, and then the grass blooms, but not the trees, and then it snows again, and then it melts and then the rain comes and comes and comes and comes. And it really seems like it will never be green, and never be bright and never be warm.

But spring comes when it is ready. Spring comes when it has gone through its own process that may or may not be frustrating to us. And then the skies are blue and the trees bud and the tulips smile, and spring is here, it's really here.

Whatever it is you want to develop, whether it is that novel, or that art, or those children or that love or that business, or that stability... it comes in its own process. We work. We strive. We keep at it and never give up, and when it's ready, in its own process, it will bloom.

And we should remember to love it, whatever it blooms into.

Believe

2011-04-13T16:41:00.002-04:00

Believe

acrylic, fabric sample remnant, paper

8x5"

Quick post while dinner is in the oven.

Sometimes, I get an idea that has to be done right then... but I don't have the materials that match my vision. So I search around until I find something that feels right and then I see what happens. This is one such case.

I think this girl looks a little more modern. I don't know what that means, except maybe in this modern world, we get caught up in the daily expectations and understandings and forget to believe in our pasts, our selves, our dreams.

I've also been thinking about National Poetry Month. I agreed to write a poem a day, but you know, I've been feeling these drawings and paintings are somewhat like poems. I've only written about 3 or 4 poems this month, but that's more than last month. So I'm good.

I am trying not to put myself to such a demanding challenge as a painting a day or a poem a day. I am thinking I'd like to revise five pages a day, but that's just because I want to finish this novel and stop putting it off. I'd like to do more than that, but I'll take 5 pages.

I don't want to burn out. I don't want to expect so much of myself that I can't help but fail. I want to allow myself a natural growth and exploration that might come with time to think about projects or down time or revisions.

So in that spirit, I've started writing poetry, I've done a half dozen or more paintings of a new journey. I've revised 33 or some pages. That's in only a couple of weeks. A little gentler on myself.

I'm trying not to equate my goodness with my production. I have a life to live, you know, not just a quota to make. I am not an art making machine.

I should draw that... an art making machine. That would be funny.

How are you managing your life/work/creating balance? Are you making yourself into a machine, or giving yourself a chance to live?

Three Grounded Girls, Paint, Ink, Pencil

2011-04-11T16:08:00.004-04:00

Spring (Grounded Girl Holds Still)

4/11/11

acrylic, paper, 5"x8"

Well, I've taken out my paints.

Grounded Girl is a bonafide "THING". I don't know how long she'll last (Flying Girl lasted a couple of years and honestly isn't quite done yet) but she's here now.

I feel an upswelling of something with her, so I'm going to go with it.

Oddly, Spring was inspired by this painting, by Shaun Downey. Don't ask me how it turned into what it turned into. It just did.

Made of Rain (Grounded Girl is Part Of It All)

4/9/11

Ink and Paper 8x5"

This Grounded Girl came a few days before. It was raining. I think. Or maybe it was not. The hatchmarks feel like days passing, like rain, or like breaths. Or maybe not. I had the idea that the dark background would have the same kind of hatchmarks, but in white, and she would be one and the same, kind of like a part of the universe, but I worked so hard on that background and it came out so nice and texturey that I decided I was going to let it stay and let that girl exist the way she is.

Idea (Wild Grounded Girl)

4/7/11

Pencil, Paper 8x5"

A couple of days before, I drew this one. Good old pencil. Like back when I was a student or first learning how to draw delicate work. I don't do a lot of delicate work now. I have a tendency to go too far towards "pretty" drawing, or so I feel, and I often try to go back the other way with rougher or wilder gestures. But the truth is, the pretty is a part of me, and perhaps I should go with it, instead of trying to go against type and be "serious" and deep. If I could find a way to manage both pretty and serious, I might be quite happy with myself.

Shh. I don't want any of you who know me to start nodding your head as if you have just psychoanalyzed my personality.

I'm just going to go with it, and not over analyze. I'm going with the flow and seeing what comes out.

Speaking of, I have revised/rewritten about 18 pages this week. Yay me. It's been a long time, and I think I have finally gotten to pay attention to the writing itself, not just the structure or the story. Put in a little of my "pretty" if you will.

And if my blogging rhythm is off, down from my usual three or four posts to only one a week, well, it's just because I am wrapped up in spring cleaning and working and kids and cooking and writing and painting. And I'm not pushing myself to paint every day or blog every day or even write every day. I'm just going with my flow, and committing to the work, and seeing where it leads me.

I do intend to put some prints of these in the shop, but I am a little bit behind in that area. I've got quite a back log of work. I was hoping to get my new camera first, so I could take better pictures, but the flow has had other ideas. Oh well.

Where is your flow leading you, lately?

Grounded and Acknowledged

2011-04-04T11:28:00.003-04:00

Home (Grounded Girl in Wonderland)

ink, vintage book page

4/4/11

I have been trying to get my mojo back, and it's pretty hard.

As you can see, I have been slacking on my blog. I have actually been creating more than I've been posting, so I have a back log of art and crafts... although I probably won't show some of it, because it kind of... well, some of it is more about the moment than the lasting meaning of it.
Spring/Days/Rain (Grounded Girl)

4/2/11

watercolor and paper

I kind of like the way this theme is developing. I don't know where it's going. But I think it says something about my state of mind. After all those flying girls, I feel the need to get out of my head and get grounded in the real world.

How does one develop a theme if one doesn't have extended periods of time and concentration to really get to work on them, like one would if one were a "serious" full time artist?
Sky/Land/Sea (Grounded Girl)

pencil paper

4/2/11

I guess one does what I do. Keep a journal. Try to remember to draw, paint, sketch. Let the ideas come to you, and then actually work on them.

I do know that when I am trying to get my creativity going, it helps me to keep things small and portable. Small to keep the pressure down. Portable to allow me to create wherever the inspiration strikes.

Another thing that helps grow creativity, that I have yet to develop this turn around, is to have a creative routine.

I'm trying to write in my journal every morning with my coffee, instead of sit on the computer. I did this yesterday and it was great. I wrote a multitude of pages in my journal. I got a lot of thoughts out of this busy head, and frustrations, too. I wrote a poem, because I am trying to write a poem a day in this month of Poetry. I drew the top Grounded Girl. I wrote a poem. I decide to tell S. that I needed to get back to my novel writing as a serious endeavor, like a real job. And he agreed. In fact, after work today, I am going to have a few hours to myself, without kid duty, and I am going to work on my fourth draft. I am going to get back to business.

Felt Medals

felt and thread.

So in honor of my accomplishments in getting back into the swing of things (even though I am not there yet) I am giving myself these medals.

I made them for my kids. The "cool" one for a boy who is a Cool Writer, and is bravely struggling through his perfectionism and struggles with fine motor skills. For the "Ivy" it is for a girl who is learning to be helpful and responsible.

Are you acknowledging your own successes, even though you don't feel like you have gotten where you want to go yet? It's the small steps that lead to the big accomplishments. Are you paying attention to how far you are getting each time you try to take one baby step?

Give yourself a treat. Say it's from me.

Made of Days and Tomorrow

2011-03-29T10:03:00.004-04:00

Made of Days and Tomorrow

journal diptych

pencil, water color

I don't know what I'm doing.

But I suppose the important thing is that I keep doing.

I've been wanting to get back into my journal for a while. I want to write. I want to draw and paint. But it has been a long time coming,

I've been collecting images of journals here. I've been scribbling and doodling bits in my journal but I haven't felt like I have been getting anywhere, creatively. Or have I?

I've been thinking about what I like in art. I've been wondering what is meaningful to me, and what appeals to me aesthetically. I've been thinking about the way I go about doing art. For so long I have painted quickly and immediately, with little to no planning. I have been telling a story with my art.

Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have the time, energy, space or money to dedicate to art and being an artist the way I'd like to.

But this is my life, and this is my path, so I can't really give my energy to what my life isn't, but rather want to think about what my life IS.

As I began drawing this journal piece, I started with the repeated circles. I like repetition. I like the meditative state of hatch marks or little circles. It reminds me of when I was working on Wreck This Journal. And I wanted to work on the shape of a person. A kind template for a person the way my Flying Girls were a template that allowed me freedom within the constraints to express myself. But I wanted something that I could take to a deeper, less literal place.

I'm not sure I can do that. I'm a pretty literal person. Well, that's not true. I'm a pretty narrative person. I can't help but make stories, whether I am painting a picture or writing. I can't help connecting things and giving them a meaning, a journey.

And somehow, after I drew this piece, I began thinking about what it meant. I compared it to my flying girls, and thought about my own journey, and thought maybe this is what I need now. Before it was all about dreaming and taking flight and going after the dream. I think now I may need to settle down, build something, ground myself. Perhaps these are grounded girls, the way my others are flying girls. Or perhaps not. We'll see how it turns out.

Oh, and yes. Once I started this drawing, I found that I had the urge to explore what was happening here. There have already been two more drawings/paintings in this vein. I guess we will have to stay tuned to see where these days and tomorrows lead.

Begin Again

2011-03-16T17:28:00.002-04:00

Begin Again

journal entry

pencil, pen, watercolor

I started a new journal. This is a big deal for me. It always feels like turning a new page, no pun intended. But more, since having kids, I just have not been as reflective. I don't get to sit for hours with my journal, writing and drawing. This might surprise some of you who have followed me here, on my blog, as I move along on my creative journal. I'm much more project oriented now than I used to be. Before it was all about the process, and the journal was a private thing where I sought understanding over my thoughts, emotions, experiences and my world.

Now I run around with kids and clean the house and go to work and watch tv and crash exhausted. When I write, it is with purpose, to illustrate something, to convey something, to reflect on something in my blog, for just one little minute, that might enlighten someone else on whatever struggle has crossed my path that day. If I do write in my journal nowadays, it's usually about planning my day, or getting my head straight so I can do something productive.

Not only am I not as reflective, and do I not keep up with my journal the way I used to, but I've been in a creative slump for the last three months.

So this new journal for me marks a re-dedication to my own creativity and reflection. I'm ready to get back to who I used to be.... not just the me before this winter, but also the me before kids.

When I think about it, the very existence of this blog is really about me trying to regain my creativity. And it has helped me along the way.... from truly not being creative, to painting everyday, to writing again, to developing new craft skills, to being creative as a mother.

So, I think what I'd like to see the rest of the year for myself and my blog is a return to my big goals as an artist and a writer and a creative. And a teacher too, in case I forgot that.

So you know what? In order to avoid my tendency to "forget" all my goals for myself, I am going to put them out there in writing. Maybe someday one or two of you will call me on avoiding my real goals, and maybe I'll grumble about it, but maybe it will spur me to keep going when I get scared.

So here they are, my creative goals:

1. Finish that novel and get it out there in the world, find an agent, find a publisher.

2. Take myself seriously as an artist. Play big. Go deep.

3. Take myself seriously as a business woman and invest some time and money into my shop, and giving the world what I have to give.

4. Start a creativity workshop IRL. Start one online. I know this stuff, I'm not just faking it here. And I know people who should be doing it with me. Ahem. If you think I am talking to you, I probably am.

So here I am, ready to start my creative goals over again. Begin again.

But on a funny note, I am not beginning from zero. Everything I have done in the past 6 years, even though it seems to have taken me off in a different direction from where I started, has gotten me farther and farther along in my goals. Sideways and roundabout maybe, but I am more prepared now for my goals than I ever have been in my life.

Those detours we take? They make us who we are.

Red Pocket Monster

2011-03-08T15:49:00.003-05:00

Red Pocket Monster

felt, thread, buttons, polyfill stuffing.

I made this little guy as a gift for a friend of Gabriel's. Now that I see him here, he looks kind of like this flu bug that's been dragging on.

Oh, I'm not "sick" anymore, but I'm still in the grips of fatigue even as the cough is releasing its hold on my chest. Maybe posting this little monster will help exorcise the little monster bug that is driving me nuts.

I've been wanting to do stuff, to get back to journaling and painting and blogging and writing and businessing, but I haven't had the gumption. I guess I'm just posting to tell you guys that I haven't disappeared. I'm still out here, just lazy/tired.

On that note, maybe I'll go buy that new journal and half pans of paint for my winsor newton watercolor set, from Dick Blick if you were wondering where I get that kind of stuff. Or maybe I will do some jotting in the new business plan I am working on. The dream plan. The creating plan.

I do think that the best way to get started, especially when you have not much energy, is to start getting excited about what COULD be.

This Is the Life You Are Meant To Live

2011-02-17T10:20:00.002-05:00

This Is The Life You Are Meant To Live

pencil and repurposed menu

Hi.

It's been a long time. My blog absence doesn't represent anything sinister... or rather, it does, because right after I wrote the last entry, I came down with the flu, and that's pretty sinister.

So.

Two and a half weeks later and the cough is fading, the fatigue is still hanging on a bit, and the shakes are trembling a little less than yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it will never go away, but it is, slowly, and in its own time.

I actually started this post two weeks ago, but never had the gumption to finish it.

The drawing above is one of those things I do at work when I'm waiting. It's when I'm looking for the wisdom that I need to hear.

And I think I needed to accept my winter for what it was. Not a season of action. A fallow period. A time to rest and recuperate. A time to let the snow fall and cover the land. Still and white and cold.

The work is going on underneath all that chill.
This is my old Winsor Newton travel paint set. It's about 15 years old. I feel something growing in me that wants to start painting again. But something is also holding me back. Is it my own personal winter?

Well, this is March. March is the turning point. Winter ends. Spring begins. The snow melts.

It's time for me to start over, I think. Renewal.

If I have to, I will start over from the beginning. I will take babysteps. I will go back and learn all over again how to be brave. How to be productive. How to keep moving forward.

I've done it before.

However, I am not starting from the same place. Each time I start over, I am farther along on my journey.

You see that old paint set? That has painted hundreds of works of art. It may be quiet right now, but it has a history. I have already come far, and I know that I can go farther still. My path may have bumps and pauses, but it is my path.

And I'm still going, baby step by baby step.

Heart and Needle

2011-02-11T09:39:00.002-05:00

Heart, Sewn

felt, thread.

Here comes Valentines.

*yay*

Sorry. I'm not a Valentines fan. I love the chocolate, and that it means spring is coming soon, but it is not my favorite holiday.

However, I have kids, and I don't have to infect them with my eyerolling too early. So I want to do some Valentines crafts this weekend, maybe help the boy make some cards for his classmates. Maybe sew them some little hearts to hang from their pockets and backpacks. Oh I don't know.

But I do kind of like the way this little unfinished felt heart looks on the old sweater. The threads curling off of the side, pierced by the needle.

A kind of crafty version of Cupid's arrow...

No, do not despair, I am not growing soft and mushy.

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day, whether you are a romantic, or an old grump like me.

Girls' Play Date and The Big Lazy

2011-02-10T08:43:00.004-05:00

Oh it's going slowly with my creativity. I took Ivy out for a mama daughter play date. We went to Zou Zou's Cafe.

She had a sprinkle cookie.

Then we took out some pens and crayons and did some drawings.

Here, she drew mama's hat and a flower and various other things. And I drew her drawing. Children are very hard to draw. Their faces are so soft.
As for me, I did start revising my novel, but only a few pages and again, fell off the wagon.

Sometimes being creative is like an addiction. Or breaking an addiction to laziness (or whatever your particular fiend is, mine is laziness). Right now, I have to take it each day as it comes. Face the lazy. Make a choice. Remind myself that I'll feel better if I chose creating over lazy. Remind myself that when I take the first step towards being creative, it will be easier to continue. And it will be easier each time I deny that big Lazy.

I've been feeling the desire to revise my novel, but I mostly don't. I've been feeling the desire to paint again, maybe even Flying Girls, or maybe not. But I don't. I've been feeling the desire to start paper journaling again, writing, art, collage, etc... but I kind of wuss out on that, too.

What is this reluctance to be creative, even though you know you love it? Am I afraid of not being as good as I wish I was or wasting my time? I feel a physical resistance, sometimes, as if the thought of getting out my paints would be impossible, or it wouldn't be worth the physical effort. Resistance. The Big Lazy. (And the Big Fear that we don't like to mention because that might make it real.)

But on the plus side, I know that when I start asking these questions, when I start putting my thoughts and intentions out into the world, then that is a sign that the creativity is getting stronger. The creativity is growing. The Big Lazy (and the Big Fear) is losing power.

It takes a while of this kind of questioning and consideration to make the change.

First will come some not so great sketches in my journal (Hey! I already have some of those right here!) then will come some tentative watercolors. (I'm thinking of buying some new half pans for my Winsor Newton travel set. A new set is like 150$! I'm pretty sure it cost me only 40$ or so when I bought it 15 years ago, but it might have been on sale) then will come some acrylic paintings in my journal, then maybe I'll get up the nerve to paint some bigger things.

Well, we'll see.

How do you build up your creativity? How do you get it back when it slips away in the living of life?

A Crown, Fear, and 15 Minutes

2011-02-05T10:31:00.003-05:00

Last Minute Birthday Crown Pin

felt, thread, embroidery floss, pin finding

Well, February is just about 1/4 done. My kids are out, attending a birthday party at some bouncy house. They asked for no presents, but I could help whipping up a little birthday girl crown for the kid of the day. I hope the girl in question likes it. Maybe she only likes things that are store bought? Or maybe she is much more sophisticated than me and prefers Tiffany boxes and stuff like that. Oh well. She's getting this and a card made by my son. I'm quite impressed with that, since he wrote it out all by himself (with my help on the spelling) without complaining. He's a complainer, you see. Hates not being able to do things well. Hates the feeling that he is at a loss. Seems to be afraid of that beginner stage. Afraid of not being good enough...

And it turns out this post is not just unrelated rambling.

February is 1/4 done and I have not started my revising.

Just like my son, I hate not being able to do things well. Hate the feeling that I am at a loss. Am afraid of the beginner stage, and most of all, am afraid that I am not good enough.

This is the closest I have ever gotten to having a novel published. I am almost at the point where I can send this thing out into the world and let it rest on it's own merits. The closer this gets, the scarier it gets.

Being an artist is about facing your fears. This is why everyone is not writing novels, I think. Because it's scary as fuck and the scariest thing about it is what is inside of your own head.

Well. So there. Excuse my french. But it's really scary.

And while my kids are out at their bouncy party, giving the birthday girl her handmade card and crown pin, I am sitting at home, with the delightful silence and stillness, and... doing not much of anything.

I have to head to work in 40 minutes.

Am I brave enough to take some of those minutes and sit and look at my waiting novel? What say you, Ro? Take out your colored pen and wave it like a magic wand over that fourth draft, turn it into the novel that you imagine????

15 minutes. That's all you have to do to get started. Even the biggest fear can be conquered for only 15 minutes, right? No more than that if you don't want to.

15 minutes starting......

NOW!

Snow Day and the Creative Process

2011-02-03T09:40:00.003-05:00

Snow Day

Okay. So it's February now.

I've done the crazy busy of November and December. I've done the crash and stay quiet of January. I think it's time to get back to work now.

The picture is my fourth draft of my novel, waiting to be revised one last time before I start the business of trying to get published. I was trying to push it and finish it up by November, but I just didn't have enough time. And I thought it was better to do it right than to rush it. So... I let it sit for three months.

Then yesterday, I printed the first third of the novel out and got ready to go. I set up a nice cozy spot in the bedroom, by the window, with the printout, and my colored pens. A rocking chair and a view of the gently falling snow. How lovely.

How lazy.

At one point, I actually turned the novel over so that it wouldn't look at me.

But, I am not giving up. I just have to take my babysteps and work on my mindset and practice the building of good habits.

This is part of the process. Fallow period. Fear. Avoidance. Small starts. Back sliding.

I don't want anyone to believe this kind of struggle means they aren't supposed to be an artist or a writer or really anything they want to be. It's just part of the process, and we have to trust the process. Believe in ourselves. And remember why we wanted to do it in the first place.

I will keep you updated on my ability to keep up with myself and move forward.

When will she start again?

Will this book ever be finished?

Is it any good at all?

Tune in next time, same bat channel, same bat time, or whenever I post next.

Blue Bird (I Am Enough)

2011-02-01T08:38:00.004-05:00

Blue Bird (I am enough)

Fancy felt, thread, cotton fabric, jump ring

I made this little charm as a gift for a customer. I enjoyed creating the ribbon out of my fabric stash. I felt this charm needed a fabric ribbon. The charm was inspired by this painting that she bought a print of. I'm sending it out this morning, before I go to work, and before a foot of snow comes down and makes the roads impassable for the near future.

There's an interesting thing that happens when I sell a print or a painting. Well, when it's an original painting, I get a pang of loss, because these are like my little babies and I want to hold onto them, even though I like sending them out into the world for other people to love. But a print like this, especially the Flying Girls, always seems to send me a message.

Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of weird. Someone else is buying it, for their own reasons, but when I take the painting out of storage, when I write out a narrative for it, when I print it and package it up and either find or make a little gift for the customer... well, it's as if the message of that painting is the one I need to hear.

I've definitely been trying to live into the "You Are Enough" message of this one. For so long I have gotten anxious over needing to be productive, to make things, to meet deadlines, to make money, to be working working working no fun no play. And there's no need.

I am enough just being me, and so are you. We don't have to crawl on our hands and knees torturing ourself in order to be enough. We already are.

This thought always leads me back to my favorite poem, the one I need to hear over and over again.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

I felt the need to post this today. As a snow storm sweeps across the country and I get ready to hunker down into my life, small as it is. And learn to love what I love and let it be enough.

So I dedicate this post to you.

You are enough.

I Am A Work In Progress

2011-01-29T10:01:00.003-05:00

Work in Progress From A Long Time Ago

felt, thread, stuffing

Where have I been?

Freaking out doing a lot of work. Spending time being stressed out even when I wasn't getting work done. Oh, I've also been sick. And I've also been decompressing after a crazy November and December.

What it has come down to is an entire January that has been almost devoid of creative projects.

Now that my freelance project that I was working on has come to a close, I find myself excited to return to my writing and my art and my blog and my shop.

The ideas are starting to come back. The energy is starting to return. The joy I used to feel doing creative work is starting to come back. I think I had forgotten all about that when I set myself stiff schedules and requirements and things that I HAD TO DO EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don't know what direction I might be going in. I'm thinking I might want to start painting again, but not a painting a day. I've been feeling the urge to work more in depth on paintings. Larger. More planned out less instinct driven. And then there's that novel that is waiting to be taken seriously again.

Writing makes me feel good. I am ready to write again.

But not right now. I still have my day job to get ready for. So. I just wanted to drop in and tell you I wasn't missing. I'm coming back.

I'm excited to see what the coming year will bring.

Goals, Guides and The Process

2011-01-12T09:02:00.002-05:00

Fuzzy

Fuzzy doesn't like the camera. Too bad. She's very photogenic. Her name is also Fanny. It depends on who you ask.

I've been kind of sick lately. A 24 hour flu. You'd think the sucker would be over after 24 hours, but the weakness and dizzy head remains, slowly fading away. Well it's a week later, so let's see how long I remain up and functional today. I got smart and decided to write a blog post before my energy disappeared. Yay. I must be getting better. It's no biggie, just interferes major time with my productivity.

So here I am.

I've made a little bracelet out of bead thread and silver beady things. I made a folder for Ivy out of a happy meal box. Per her request. I've cut out dozens of felt circles in anticipation of stitching up little charms. I even appliqued a tiny red heart on one and tried to embroider (but made an ugly disaster of it) another one. I have no photos of any of these.

I've thought about my plans for the year, my "resolutions" if you will. Last post I talked about theme words... Organize, Enjoy, Say Yes to Life. But the truth is, I have goals that I need to accomplish. The major one... finish this novel and send it out and find an agent and get published.

I'm finding it hard to focus only on the theme words when I have this big honking goal hanging over my head.

I need to work on this goal, that is it. But it isn't a resolution. Resolutions are like bullies. They say you must do THIS thing. ALL the time. WITHOUT fail, or you are a loser. And that actually sets you up to fail. Witness all those lapsed gym goers, yo-yo dieters, people with chewed fingernails, furtive cigarette smokers, and novels languishing in trunks under the beds.

If you really want to achieve something, to make a change in your behavior, you have to think long term. What do you want at the end of the year... not what do you want right now. You have to allow yourself to be imperfect and to backslide, and to have lazy days, even weeks without sitting down to revise the fourth draft. Because of course, you have the flu and kids and must also take care of yourself, not just your goal.

So you set yourself up with smaller goals, that over the long term, will add up to the major goal.

Goals that are not overwhelming. Goals that are specific and measurable. Have fruit for desert instead of cookies, rather than lose 20 pounds. Take a yoga class, not "be fit." Write a query letter, not "be a best selling author".

So that's what I need to do. Look to make smaller goals that fit in with my larger goals.

Not coincidentally, I hope to make my smaller goals and my larger goals fit within my guiding words for the year. I will do so now, breaking down the goals into tasks that will fit within the guiding words.

ORGANIZE: organize my writing space, organize my agent research, keep in touch with critical readers, set up a daily writing schedule, keep a writing log, follow a time table.

SAY YES TO LIFE: actually start writing instead of hiding from it because it is scary, believe that I will be published, look for people who can help me, recognize and accept opportunities that come my way, look for the good in my book and emphasize that, show people my writing, take advantage of the free time I have to work on the things that I really want to do.

ENJOY: allow myself to enjoy the good things about my book, remember to enjoy my writing time because I actually love to write, develop rituals surrounding my writing time to recognize the specialness of it, look back at my life and recognize how far I have come, write a new resume or curriculum vitae celebrating all that I have achieved, write an author's bio as if my book were already published, set up a rewards system for writing/publishing goals achieved (perhaps rewards towards that new camera I want), accept the process for what it is and learn to enjoy it.

Let me tell you.

That little exercise actually has gotten me thinking about writing. Not only that, but it's gotten me excited for the process of revision, research, and querying.

You see, I don't want to just be a published author. I don't want just to have a novel written. I want to enjoy the life I am living while I go about doing this. I want to live this life, the one I have, not the one I will have once I achieve some goal, once I have beaten some resolution.

Try this exercise. Think of the guiding words for your year... the words reminding you of the life you want to live, the person you want to be. Now think of the goals you want to accomplish. Now try to find ways that your goals can be achieved THROUGH your guiding words.

Happy 2011. To Life!

2011-01-01T09:48:00.003-05:00

I haven't done much this past week. Relaxed. Slept. Spent time with the kids. Worked when I had to. But I took a break on projects and being creative.

So here's a photo from a couple weeks ago, right after it snowed. The snow is all gone now, washed away in a warmth and rain.

I have some goals for the new year, but one of the most important goals is to enjoy the life I have and not always be doing stuff to get somewhere that I'm not.

Enjoy Life. Celebrate.

Yes.

Life is not perfect the way it is. There are always going to be things I want to do and have done. But this is the life I have and it deserves to be enjoyed.

In order to do that, I do think I have to reduce some of my own anxiety and pressure on myself. Accept what is there. Have faith that everything will work out. I've thought about what I need for this, and I'm pretty sure it's organization that is missing. So.

Organize.

Yes.

Now it may seem that Enjoying Life and Organizing Life are opposite goals. One is about being free and one is about constraining.... however, this is my life we are talking about and I have to be honest about who I am and where I am and what I need.

I have goals. Real goals. Big goals that take a lot of work. And I have a complicated family with their own needs that I am kind of in charge of (hey who made up THAT rule?) and I have to manage them, too. That's more work. But I don't want to just work and work and work and then work some more.

So if I think about it, to organize my day and plan where things need to be done, that would help. I would be able to know what needs to be done and how much time I have, and when there are deadlines and how it all fits together. This would allow me to relax, because I could trust in things being done.

The question is, do I make my big major goals into my "New Year Resolutions?"

Somehow, I think those are too difficult to maintain for a whole year. Better is to focus on a way of being. Enjoying. Organizing.

Maybe what I really need to do is to say yes to life.

Whenever I've had breakthroughs in my life, it has always been around saying yes, instead of saying no. Being brave. Stepping outside of my comfort zone.

So here are my big three goals for the year.

Enjoy.

Organize.

Say Yes to Life.

Wonky Bear Dressed for Snow WIP and a Sister Kitty Modelling her Dress in Progress

2010-12-24T10:46:00.004-05:00

Wonky Bear Dressed for Snow (WIP)

felted flannel, felted wool sweaters, felt, buttons, thread.

Still working on this little guy and on his kitty sister (who is turning into a ballerina princess).

The wonk looks better when he wears his sweater.

Yes. I made that sweater. It was a little tricky, but not too bad. My first attempt was too Springy and got handed down to his kitty sister and turned into a bodice for her ballerina dress. Hey. I believe in hand me downs. Her dress is less far along in the wip status so I will show her later. If ever I can get some time without children today.

Better hurry. I have to make rice krispie treats and brownies for Santa also.

Wonky Bear close up

I found his button eyes. I was looking all over for them, because I knew that I put them "somewhere safe." Ha ha on me. I always lose things when I put them some where safe. But I found some scraps from the flannel shirt, with buttons still attached, and it was just as good. I actually tried some larger brown buttons first, but they didn't look as eyeball-y. So I cut them off and added these. They will match sister Kitty.

His nose is not done, because I didn't get around to the embroidery. When I embroider sister Kitty's dress I will add the nose and mouth.

I used a felted sweater, using the fine ribs of the waistband to make a sweater and figured out how to swing those arm holes. Yay me. I also made what I thought was going to be a ski cap, but it turned out the wrong size, so I cut a contour into it an made it a hat with ear flaps... although why the ear flaps are down around the face when the ears are sticking out the top, I don't know.

The scarf is some nice fancy felt, just cut, fringed and tied around his neck.
detail wonky bear

Then I made his backpack.

Welcome to Sewer's Cheating 101. I took a pocket from the flannel shirt and trimmed it off the scrap. Then trimmed some of the shirt into a flap. Then I sewed to flannel strips to make shoulder straps. Voila. I might add a button to close it. And perhaps I'll write "wonky" on the tag, instead of the name of the shirt maker. I will probably do it with a sharpie. Lazy crafter, right here. Oh yeah. And I didn't hem any of this cut up felting.

And, fine, since you are insisting. Here's sister kitty modelling her dress in progress.

Wonky Bear WIP

2010-12-23T10:07:00.003-05:00

Wonky Bear WIP

felted flannel, upcycled velveteen, thread, fiberfill

Shhhhhh. I'm making a bear for Gabriel. It's been a rocky road, if you can tell. My flannel, which was from one of his old shirts, size 3, was too small to make the body and legs all in one piece, so I created a pattern out of my head, with all my brilliant fabric engineering ability. Ahem.

Thus the wonk.

I kind of like the wonk, but I don't know if he will. If he doesn't like it, maybe I'll try again with a different fabric. I do kind of like making stuffed animals, so it could be worth it.

Anyway, I still need to find his button eyes. I put them somewhere safe after giving Ivy's kitty cat sight. Now I don't remember where I put them. Curses. And I need to use embroidery floss for his black nose, not regular thread, which I first tried.

And I have to make him a jacket, scarf, and backpack. I also have to make Ivy's Kitty cat a skirt, jacket and probably a princess crown. I hope I have time.

In case you haven't noticed, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. And if I can, I'd like to finish up the bunny and snake I started for last Easter and never managed to complete. They've been floating around the house, with the kids asking, "when are you going to finish my bunny? when are you going to finish my snake?"

Yipes.

Oh crap. I also have to wrap the presents.

Curses.

How is your Holiday season going. It's almost over. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Beaded Felt Christmas Star

2010-12-22T10:26:00.002-05:00

Beaded Felt Christmas Star

felt, thread, cardboard toilet paper tube, glass beads, white glue

I only have a moment to post, so hi.

Here is the christmas tree star I was working on. I cut out four felt stars folded them in half and sewed them together at the edges with a blanket stitch. Then I beaded two sides of the star.

I had thought about making the four sides stick out, like I did with the previous felt ball ornaments, but I thought I kind of lost the star effect, that way. After some consultation with my facebook peeps, I decided to use the toilet paper tube to finish it off.

I glued felt to the tube and when I put the tube inside of the star, noticed that it kind of naturally opened up a bit on two sides. I realized that I could leave it a two sided star by attaching to two top side points together.
Like this.

Therefore, all four felt pieces are connected at the top. The bottom is left open. And then the two facing points at the top are attached on each side. When I tried to connect the bottom points, it completely lost the star shape, so I left those as is. Then I stitched the open end of the star to the tube.

The tube holds it up on the tree top. yay. All done. The beading took a long time.

Felt Christmas Ball Ornaments. With Tassels.

2010-12-20T10:15:00.002-05:00

Felt Christmas Ball Ornaments. With Tassels.

felt, thread, embroidery floss, bead.

I am getting tired of Christmas, and it isn't even here. And I am not even slightly done with preparations.

Bah humbug.

This could be partly because I took on another freelance project that I have to squeeze into my busy days before Christmas eve. Sigh.

But anyway, I'm still going. Still making Christmas stuff. Still crafting. Still thinking. Still celebrating or trying to remember to celebrate. Meanwhile, most of us here in this house are suffering through some stage of cold/virus/illness. I'm on the recovery end, but you know, when someone suffers, mom suffers.

Tomorrow, I have a Christmas star to show you. It took a while and quite a bit of engineering. Sometimes I feel like a felt engineer. I get an image in my head, and try to figure out how to make felt or fabric fit into my image.

Anyway, if no one gets sick today, I hope to take the troop on a Christmas shopping trip and finish up with the big stuff. Wish me luck.

As for your holiday preparation and crafting and creating, I hope it's all going well.

Crafts and Activities with the Kids

2010-12-18T09:08:00.003-05:00

Frosty the Snow Man

This year, I have bee trying to keep up an advent calendar. But I'm trying to make Christmas not about materialism and toys and getting presents. I'm also trying to avoid giving my candy addicted kids yet more candy, so I've been trying to do a new Christmas related activity every night. So far, I am keeping up, with a little bit of adjustment.

I don't always have energy or time at night before bed to do the activities I have listed, so with my sneaky mommy ways, I have left my little notes of activities out in a cup. I choose the activity for the night right before I open up the advent envelope, and stick it in there before I read it to the kids. I can get away with this because they can't read yet. There is a limited time for this kind of subterfuge.

But it enabled us to make snowman building an activity on a snowy night. You can't plan ahead for snow.
And last night we decorated the Christmas tree. It was time.

I might also point you to the little blue tinsel pipe cleaner snowman. This was an activity, too. The kids and I made ornaments.
Here's a Christmas tree made at the same time. I think we managed 4 trees and 3 snowmen.

Another activity we did, and another Christmas craft, I might add, is to make popcorn strings. Good old fashioned pan popped popcorn, which was an event in itself, and needles and string. I was surprised how good the kids were at stringing the popcorn. I thought they would be too young, but they weren't. Maybe they are ready for cross stitch or some other kind of needlework fun.Here's an ornament I made without kid intervention. You can't see from this picture, but it's glitter on one side and felt on the other. These are the stars I made for my wreath, but hung on some bakers string for the tree.
After I made the stars, I saw a raindrop online somewhere and decided that I wanted to add a raindrop shape to my stars. So I did. You can see a little bit of the halo from the opposite felt side as the Christmas light shines through it.

All in all, I rather like the way our little tree looks, a mix of handmade ornaments and grandma's vintage ornaments.

You really don't need a lot of money to decorate a Christmas tree. One year, when I was on break from college, I decorated a tree all with paper. Silver paper fans. Crepe paper flowers. Paper drink umbrellas. It was all in peaches, pinks and yellows. That was a good looking tree. I think I made an angel for the top.

This year, I have to figure out a way to make a star. Must puzzle through this. The girl demands a star.

Little Snowy House Ornament and Tutorial

2010-12-17T09:25:00.003-05:00

Little Snowy House Ornament

acrylic paint, glitter glue, sharpie marker, upcycled menus (cardstock), thread.

Hi! I'm a little snowy house.

Here is my tutorial.
First sketch out the design. This is an easy design. All walls and floors are one inch squares. The triangles for the peak were drawn to fit into the spare scrap paper, so are about 1/2" high but were eyeballed, probably not the best idea. Then I measured the peaks along the diagonal to figure out the length for the roof sides. Tabs for glue are eyeballed and drawn in.
Cut out the drawing.
Score along the pencil lines where I will be folded. (note: do not score the line below between the triangle and square... that line will NOT be folded. In fact, erase it before you start to avoid confusion, so you are left with a house shaped side, rather than a triangle on top of a square.)
Crease along the scores and put glue on the tabs. I am glued w glue stick, but a different type of glue might be stronger.
Fold edges and press glued tabs into their appropriate sides. The last wall is the most difficult. A thin blade or needle might help to press the glue. Muddle through as best as you can.
Uh oh. It turns out all the eyeballing did not make for a very tight fitting house. I should have measure the peaks. Oh well. I guess I'll have to figure out a solution.
Voila! Little house gets a glue and sparkle joint fill. Not by coincidence, it looks like a snowy roof. Yay glitter glue! I continue and outline the roof along the joints, and then flood the outline with the glitter glue. Like frosting a cookie.

Here it is with the snow roof and a red door. In the background, you can see the supplies of glitter glue and glue stick. I should have painted this little house before adding the glitter glue, but glitter glue makes me excited and I jumped the gun.

Oh yeah, little house is resting on my original sketch, when I was trying to figure out the engineering for a house shaped paper box. Floor, walls, peaks, roof tops. I eyeball things usually, and make them up as I go along. And figure out fixes for my imprecision, which is why I don't often do tutorials. But hey, why not include that in a tutorial.
And here is the finished little house, after the glue dried over night. It took a while. And then I forgot to show my process... but it's not that complicated. I got out some naples yellow acrylic paint (Golden fluid acrylic) and painted the walls around the glue. Then when it dried, I drew in the windows. Then I went back over it and painted in the window panes in white acrylic.

To string it up, I threaded a needle through the roof, right through the top. I think it would look better with ribbon, but I didn't have any I liked, so added a yarn bow to attach it to the tree.

It would have been cute if I had made a chimney and had the yard coming out of it like smoke, but just adding that little detail would have made this little house a much more complicated undertaking. Thus... simple little house. With snow

And thus I have given you my tutorial. And pardon for the fuzzy pictures. My own little house is covered with snow, which blocks the skylights that I usually depend upon for lighting.

Joy

2010-12-16T08:14:00.002-05:00

Joy Ornament, felt medallion

felt, embroidery floss

25 days of creativity

I made this little ornament the other night. Two shades of red felt and some pink floss. There's something really soothing about hand sewing, particularly when you're not anxious about how you're going to put together all the pieces. Making stuffed animals is gratifying, but I'm always figuring out the engineering as I go along, so it can make for some stress. But these little medallions are great. Cut three circles. Embroider and/or applique two circles. Sew all together with simple blanket stitch. Add a string.
Here's the other side. Is it the best embroidery in the world? Nope. But my good intentions go into them. I like to think of them as lucky charms, actually. They can work as Christmas ornaments, but just as well they can be reminders of something you want in your life, joy, luck, love. I often send them out with my prints when people order. This one was a gift with order, which explains the not-great photo, since I did it at night and photographed it by lamplight and sent it out the next morning. Sometimes I send out bookmarks, instead. Or whatever new project I'm working on that will fit into an envelope.

You never know what you're going to get with me. Ha ha.

I guess that's just like life. I finished the work project I had, but now I have a cold. Cough cough . Oh well, we must soldier on. Keep on creating. Have fun. Did I just say have fun? Cough cough wheeze. Hey, I should listen to my own lucky charm. Joy. I said Joy.

And have a happy December.

How are your 25 Days of Creativity going?

Kitty WIP

2010-12-14T08:13:00.002-05:00

Kitty.

upcycled scarf, felt, fiberfill, thread

WIP

So I have to post very quickly because I have much to do before work this morning and I can't let the girl see my computer screen, because this is her Christmas present. Or it will be when I finish.

Her face is mostly done, but for maybe a stitch here and there for shaping. I'm still considering whiskers and probably won't add them... but maybe I will.

Kitty detail

I'm still planning to do an outfit for her. A dress or skirt. A jacket. A scarf. A hat.

What can I say. I like to accessorize.

I like the way she came out, although she's kind of funky in the proportions. And the eyes look great, I think. They are buttons that came off of the plaid shirt that will be the bear I'm making for Gabriel. I've run out of fiberfill, so I will probably do the outfit for Kitty before I start the bear. And I think I'll use a different pattern for him, because the plaid shirt was a size three and I ended up with smaller pieces than I did with the scarf, which was narrow, but long. I also felted the scarf... the flannel shirt was pretty well washed already, but I did my best.

And the pictures aren't great since I did them while the girl was asleep with lamplight and it's hard to do a photoshoot with a present you're trying to keep secret from the girl who is always into everything.

Anyway, how is it going with all your craftiness? Creativity? To Do Lists? Keeping up with yourself?

Ornaments, in glitter, felt, and tinsel pipecleaners. Move over Martha.

2010-12-13T11:14:00.002-05:00

Glitter, repurposed menus, and felt ornaments, strung on baker's string, w old buttons

I am so far behind on this project of 25 creative things in 25 days. Or maybe I'm not that behind, but I am behind on posting. So here I've decided to show a couple of the ornament bundles I've made.

I took some of the glitter stars from my wreath and glued felt to the back. I thought for a different look when they go up on the tree.
Felt stars and raindrops.... the other side is silver glitter.

Tinsel Pipe Cleaner ornaments

I also made a string of these... I made both swirlies
And hearts.

Now the truth is, I probably won't use these as garlands, although I've strung them up for display and storage purposes. But we don't have a Christmas tree yet. We meant to get it this weekend, but between my work and bad timing and snow storms and all... we haven't gotten it yet.

I've also made some ornaments with the kids. We used more tinsel pipe cleaners, but they chose what they wanted to do, and it was little christmas trees and little snowmen. Not a bad project for those 5 and under, since it's so easy to manipulate pipecleaners. I think I hid those before the kids could destroy them. I need to find them and take a picture. They actually turned out pretty cute.

This years Christmas tree will be a motley of stuff. But that's okay. Sometimes I like the motley.

I'll be back later. Who knows when. I'm turning out to be not so good on these daily posts this holiday season.

How are you doing with your Christmas projects and activities?

Are you feeling the cheer yet?

A Partridge in a Pear Tree.... sorta

2010-12-08T12:51:00.003-05:00

Wreath

paper garland, berry light string, wire hanger, ribbon, paper clay doo dads.

Day 8, 25 days of creating

Yesterday, I pulled out a bag of holiday ornaments that grandma gave us before her move. I said, hmm. What can I do with these pretty lights? They're not long enough to put around the window. Then I thought, "a wreath"

And I remembered the garland, a nice soft natural color. And I bent the hanger into a wreath shape and wrapped it all up and tied it with a bow. I left it at that, until I realized later that I had some little paperclay things I'd been working on and hadn't done anything with.

If you look close, there's a bird, a set of wings, and four little pears. I figured, it could be the partridge in the pear tree.

I found it really hard to take a picture of, because the light is so gray and cloudy, and I can't take them out anyway, since it's already plugged in. I guess I could have unplugged it and set it on a tree... but you know it's kind of snowing, and I'm kind of lazy today.

Anyway, here's to another day, of creating, of the holidays, of living.

Remember to breathe deep and relax, amongst all the celebrating.

Felt Ornament

2010-12-07T11:04:00.003-05:00

Felt Christmas Ornament

Day 4 of the 25 days of Christmas Creativity.

Where have I been?

Well, I've discovered a flaw in my brilliant plan to post daily christmas crafts. Lots of flaws.

One, borderline burnout from busy November.

Two, Family obligations. You people. Your warm loving embrace is getting in the way of my craftiness.

Three, WIPs. I don't have photos of everything because I'm still working on it.

Four, presents! I can't post presents unless the recipients are guaranteed to not see them online.

Five, stupidity. I just made another ornament and packaged it up for a buyer, and forgot to photograph it. It was cute, too! I embroidered "joy" on the back and quilted a pink star on the front.

Six, busy-ness. I can't post. I have to get to work! Ciao

Tiny Pink Owl. Gift #1!

2010-12-03T10:25:00.003-05:00

Tiny Pink Owl

felt, embroidery floss, thread, fiberfill

Only moments to post before I go to work, so let's do this quick.

A Christmas present for the little girl. She asked for a Pink Owl, but I think she means a larger one that she can cuddle. I have a soft spot for minis, though, and only had time or supplies last night to make this mini owl. I think she'll like it, even though it's tiny. I am wondering what to do with it. Leave it like this like a doll toy? Or sew a pin on the back so she can wear it on her shirt? Or attach a hair pin so she can wear it in her hair? Or a chain, so it can be a necklace? Maybe I'll add a little loop at the top so it can be strung on a necklace, or played with solo.

Here's a close up. Tiny tiny stitches.

Handmade Wreath

2010-12-02T15:06:00.004-05:00

Handmade Wreath

green twigs, repurposed grocery boxes, gesso, glitter, brass paper fasteners, silk ribbon

Hi there!

Welcome to Christmas.

I'm a handmade wreath. I cost about 50 cents. Because I bought paper fasteners this week and didn't have them on hand, but I had bought them for something else, so really, this cost nothing.

This was actually kind of fun. I went out to my yard and cut some twigs from a bunch. I think they might actually be considered canes, because they were long and straight and bendy and green, and headed straight for the ground, where they tried to set and root. They were starting to take over my driveway, so I felt fair in pruning them back.

I'm sure you could also use willow branches for this. I know this because I used willow branches to make a very similar item, when I was planning to make a handmade dream catcher, but never did because the grandparents came back from Arizona with authentic ones.

I twisted them around each other, weaving them in and out to make a circle. I think I used about a dozen canes. I thought I'd like a bit looser, but I began to enjoy the tight wreath. The only thing holding them together is the weaving.

Then I got my cut out stars, from grocery boxes, that I had already gessoed, painted with gel medium and coated in silver glitter. I punch tiny holes in the stars and then grabbed my brass paper fasteners... stuck those in there and attached them to the twigs. I can actually swivel the stars to make a better layout, and I did.

Then I found this pretty gold silk ribbon and tied that up at the top. I'd already tried about three different ribbon/fabric options. The tulle was too fussy for me. A plain cotton twill ribbon thing I had looked too much like a bandage, and then I found the gold ribbon, and that was it. I like how it brings out the brass in the fasteners and both bring out the goldy brown in the canes. The ribbon might be smaller than I might have chosen otherwise, but I think it adds a simplicity, a modern quality that I rather like as does the mix of metallics.
A close up of the silver stars against the blue-green door. The photos are not great, courtesy of my northern, cloudy skies. Sorry. I have no time for better photos. I've set myself on quite an endeavor with this craft every day thing. The photography turns out to be almost as much a challenge as the crafting!

Oh and this project took me about 20 minutes. Although I had four of the stars made already, and just had to glitter the last one. I like odd numbers. They feel better.

Home Made Advent Tree

2010-12-01T16:46:00.003-05:00

Advent Tree

found branches, glass jar, yarn, envelopes, glitter glue, paper fasteners.

Whew!

My first item for 25 days of Creativity (or 25 days of Christmas, if you want to go that way, which I kind of do) is this Advent tree. I was inspired by all sorts of things, but mostly by the materials I had on hand and which would look the best, work the best, and take the least amount of time. Shhh. Don't tell. I take short cuts.

Like the envelops I bought and cut in half, instead of making my own envelopes, tubes, cones, or what have you. Come to think of it, cones would have been super cool. (my repurposed menus would have been brilliant for that)

Or the glitter glue that I found and decided would be easier than paint, or glue plus glitter, and prettier than marker.

And I just went out into my yard and grabbed up some deadfall twigs. Yay for not being a good gardener.

Plus the big glass jar is swiped from the recycle bin at work, and is heavy enough to hold the glasses, but I had some of my kids collection of rocks that would have held them in place if it wasn't sturdy enough.

Oh, and I used my crochet yarn, instead of buying ribbon or twine or hooks or whatever.
Here are the tools.

I cut the envelopes with decorative scissors, and folded/or cut them into shapes. Plain would have been fine, I think. Then I drew on numbers in alternating red and green. One color would have been chicer, but I chose red for the girl and green for the boy, so they know which one they will get to open.

And instead of using candy, which was my original plan, I decided to do activities for the kids. Like "string popcorn" or "go to the Christmas parade on Main Street" or "make cookies" or "get an extra bedtime story".

I decided that the traditions will be better than the candy. As will the time with mama or papa.

And there I go.

How are you doing on your Holiday crafting adventures? Bear with me while I get the side bar up and links all made. I have a boat load of work to do. On my next break, I'll get to the side bar.

25 Days of Creativity-- Ready to Go!

2010-11-30T15:48:00.005-05:00

25 Days of Creativity

glitter, gesso, acrylic gel medium, pencil, paper bag, paint pen

This holiday season, I am making a real effort to focus on the home made, hand made, creative and non-materialistic things. I'm making gifts and cooking and decorating and hoping to help my kids see that it's not just about getting presents.

And to keep myself from getting overwhelmed by all of the crafting, baking, making, doing, painting, holidaying and ho ho ho-ing, I have decided to take on the challenge of doing one creative, crafty holiday task a day.

And since the online challenges have been such a help to me, I've decided to ask if anyone else wants to join in.

So here are the (loosely defined) rules.

I do solemnly swear that I am up to crafty goodness (or naughtiness).

Every day in the month of December, until the 25th, I will make something crafty/arty/creative/festive.

If I miss a day, I will not panic. I will just keep going, or maybe I'll do two things the next day, or maybe give myself a break. Or maybe I will count that eggnog I made for a party, or the cookies I baked for the kids, or decorating the Christmas tree, or wrapping those presents beautifully.

I will have fun, because this isn't a race or a competition.

I will not freak out with the pressures of the season, and that is why I am giving myself the whole month to get there, day by day.

I will do it bit by bit. And I will count the bits I am doing, even if they aren't perfect/complete/fancy.

I will put my love into my creative endeavors.

I will not put too much pressure on myself to make things perfect, because hand made is loved, and imperfection is lovely.

I will celebrate myself, my creativity, my loved ones and the season with all of the wonderful goodness that is upon us.

I will go with the flow, after making my lists, and see where this adventure takes me.

*** *** ***

So there are my rules if you want to play along.

The only other rules I can think of are to put your name and your blog address in my comments, if you want me to put you in the sidebar, so we can cheer each other along in our creative holiday month. Or if you don't want to commit to a sidebar, you can just put a link to your creative projects in the comments.

I was also thinking about making a pinterest board with my 25 days of creativity project-- in fact I've just done it. Now I will be able to add all the creative projects, with links back to their blog or flickr account. I think it would be a fun place to collect all the projects in one place.

Well. I'm ready for the holidays... are you?

p.s. I finished my nanowrimo 50k words yesterday. woo hoo! Not done with the novel, but I am done with the November challenge. Thank you November. You kicked my butt. See you next year.

I Am Learning

2010-11-29T14:49:00.003-05:00

I am learning

glitter, pen, acrylic gel medium, repurposed menus

Life is learning.

There is no perfection.

There is always change.

There is always disruption.

There is always something new.

There is always another adventure.

There is always more joy.

There are always more questions.

There is room for error.

There is invention in mistakes.

There is a process to go through.

I made this card to remind myself that everything I am going through, life, creation, raising kids, finding zen, keeping house, work, joy, everything is a process.

And I made it in glitter to remind myself that not only is this a process and am I imperfect, but this is the only life there is and we may as well enjoy it.

And have faith in ourselves.

Have faith in the process.

This is life.

And for anyone who is interested in spending the days leading up to Christmas making crafts and painting cards and knitting gifts and decorating and celebrating and hosting and cooking and being generally all around creative, then stick around. I'm calling it the 25 days of Christmas, and I'm counting down to Christmas, making my lists, checking them twice, gonna find out how much glitter to buy.

Check in tomorrow. I'll have the rules and sidebar finalized. (because it's a work in progress)

Ho Ho Ho on the Go Go Go, or A Question About A 25 Days of Christmas Creative Challenge

2010-11-28T07:59:00.004-05:00

Ho Ho Ho on the Go Go Go

Maroon Gel Ink on repurposed menu

4x4"

After a month of being ahead in nanowrimo, I am behind. I haven't written in a week, wrapped up in life and living.

But I'm going with the flow. I am learning something about myself. I am learning something about my writing process. I thought that I only liked the first draft stage of writing, but it turns out, I like the revision process just as much if not more. Go figure. This is good news, since you can't be a published writer without the revision process.

I am also, I think, in the midst of an artistic transformation. However much I like the newness of invention, coming up with that solution, doing a brand new painting every day, going off on a whim of creativity, I am finding that I really long for an extended commitment to something. I want to spend more time on paintings. I want to make bigger projects. I want to work on stuff, expand the process from idea to execution so that I get it RIGHT, not just get it fast.

However... this upcoming month is going to be about Christmas. I recognize that. So, I am going to let myself off the hook on the production of art and allow myself to go fallow, to develop the ideas, the concepts, the desires. This is in regards to painting, though.

I still have some crazy stuff to make for Christmas, but this is more in the lines of craft and cooking, which I still find creative, but is a bit more practical.

I also had a question for any of you out there in blog land. Would YOU be interested in a joining a 25 days of Christmas creative challenge?

I think I want to post one creative project a day for Christmas. This could be holiday decorating, present making, meal cooking, card making, hall decking, carol singing, tradition building, present wrapping, stocking stitching, party hosting or what have you. If it's creative and related to the holidays, then I think it counts.

Really it's just all the stuff I already have to do, but since I am kind of opposed to the materialistic nature of Christmas, I really want to focus on the handmade portion of the holiday. And since the month long challenges usually help me to keep on task in the productivity department... well.... I think this is a good timely challenge.

I know it's late notice, but I think I'm just going for it in my crazy impetuous way. I'll figure out some "rules" for the 25 Days of Christmas Challenge and post it tomorrow.

Well, after I have a novel writing marathon, because I've got to hit 50k in the next couple of days because I'm 5k short!

Tune in tomorrow. I'll put up an official list, add it to the sidebar. Maybe sketch up a graphic. I'm up for a little bit of holiday inspired creativity and community. How about you?

Let the Sunshine In, Bookmark, and Getting Back to Work

2010-11-24T07:01:00.004-05:00

Let the Sunshine In Bookmark

repurposed menu, ink, fabric, acrylic gel medium, embroidery floss

AEDM

I made this a few days ago as a gift for a customer. I might have started it a while ago and just finished it this month. Well yeah, that's what I did. I have not really used Art Everyday Month in the way I wanted to. I wanted to get back to painting pictures. Instead, I am again broadly defining "art" as all the sorts of creativity that I take part in, which is good. But I miss painting.

I also haven't been writing as consistently as I wanted for nanowrimo. First with getting the flu, or whatever virus it is that is actually still dragging on just a little bit, then with some required social engagements and my birthday, and to top it off, adding a freelance responsibility to the past week... well, I haven't been writing everyday, and when I write, I haven't been writing as much as I wanted to. I'll still reach the 50 thousand word goal, but I wanted to finish my whole book.

I don't think that will happen, unless I get super productive in the week after Thanksgiving.

So in a way, with the way my life has gone this last month, I've kind of stuck a bookmark in my goals for myself.
reverse, let the sunshine in bookmark

But maybe it's not the worst thing in the world to hold still in place for a little while.

I know that I will always be able to get back to painting when I am ready to make that commitment. There is no reason that I have to do it now now now. I don't have a deadline. The only deadlines here are my own self imposed ones.

And, even though I am not writing as much as I want, I am still ahead of the goals for nanowrimo. I will finish my 50 thousand words, I will hit that deadline. It is only my personal goals of 100 thousand words and actually finishing the whole novel that I may not reach.

The real deadlines that I've had to work with this month are are when I someone else is depending upon me, like when I have to be at work on my scheduled days, or meet the school bus when it's my turn to pick up G, or finish this pile of curriculum plans by tonight. Yes. That's the deadline that has kept me away from writing, blogging and painting this last week.

I finally have a handle on it and can see that I will reach the deadline.

And then when I am done with that, I can get back to the other things that I want to do, my personal goals. The deadlines that only I am holding myself to.

Well... that is, after I do Thanksgiving. You know. Thanksgiving? That day that is never your own, at least when you're a mom. Well at least I don't have to make the whole meal, since we're splitting duties up between family members.

What are your own external deadlines that are getting in the way of your personal goals? Are you letting them stop you? Giving up on your dreams when those responsibilities to others seem so much more immediate?

I'll tell you a secret. I'm planning on finishing this curriculum plan before I need to, and I am going to stay down in the basement, away from all sorts of distractions, and get back to my writing. That's right.

I'm getting back to the plans. I'm going to pick it up where I left off. I'm taking the bookmark out and will be ready to get back to my goals. Just because we don't get as far as we want as soon as we want doesn't mean we still aren't moving forward.

I am the Eggman

2010-11-22T15:59:00.003-05:00

I Am The Egg Man

eggs, pretzels, olives, salt and pepper.

Koo Koo Kachoo.

I am crazy right now. In the middle of projects and all. And also, to be honest, when I got an unexpected break in a deadline, well, I did absolutely nothing. That's right. No creativity. No writing. No painting. No sewing. No nada. Sat on the couch and let myself be a shlub.

Because there comes a time when you have to let yourself off the hook.

So I don't have a lot of stuff here. Actually, I have a few more things to show, but I'll save it for another day, because I have not been able to post as often, due to said deadlines.

But I did make Ivy a gingerbread man egg for breakfast. So she didn't eat it. What can I say. I'm used to it. But I made it. Cracked an egg into a cookie cutter and let it cook. Simple as that. Then I added the olive slice eyes and pretzel house.

Oh by the way, wordcount on nanowrimo? 44436, almost 50k. But I have not been able to write consistently, what with life taking over. It figures. All those months with nothing to do, and this is the month I choose to write a novel. But, with all of the writing, I've also started to write my way around to the novel that is closer to the one I want to write.

Boy, this process stuff is hard.

But then, I think this process stuff is life.

I think perhaps that enjoying the process, including the craziness, the challenges, the deadlines is part of how we find happiness.

A painting is not just the piece of art I end up with, not for me. It is also about how I come to that painting, and the act of painting, and the thoughts that created that painting.

Life is in the living. Creating is the process.

Koo Koo Kachoo.

Play a Game

2010-11-18T09:37:00.003-05:00

Pin the Nose on the Clown, impromptu party game

sharpie on craft paper, recycled food raisin box, blue tacky stuff.

AEDM 17

Where have I been. Blah.

I've been doing stuff but having no time to post it. Or perhaps I've been lazy. Possibly the latter.

I came home intending to finish a project yesterday, and instead was roped into creating a kids party in the kids' bedroom, with party games, snacks and well, that's about it.

I never did get to finish my project, which is still sitting on my desk, awaiting glitter.

And meanwhile, my projects to be done are racking up. And so is my anxiety.

Ah, but a lot of that anxiety is manufactured. A lot of my deadlines are manufactured. I have plenty of room to rearrange my to do list and to rearrange my headspace.

I present that same sort of freedom to you.

Take a look at all the things on your to do list and see what you can reprioritize. What can you knock off the list until next week? or completely? What, if completed first, would reduce your stress level and give you room to breathe? Is there anything you can delegate to others? Is there anything you need to do first to leave space for following projects.

Take a deep breath and pay attention to how you make things harder on yourself.

Give yourself a break.

Play a game. Remember what you're doing all this for.

Enjoy Life and Letting the Light in

2010-11-15T14:22:00.003-05:00

Enjoy Life

watercolor, pen, pencil on paper

4"x8", repurposed menu

AEDM #15

I woke up this morning, still recovering from the flu or a cold or whatever this is, also suffering from a wine headache (known as an adult hangover, even though as an adult I only had three glasses all night and wasn't even buzzed) and feeling stressed out and behind on all my goals.

And then I said to myself, you know self? I'm going to try to enjoy my day.

And then, I must admit to you that I didn't quite succeed. It's kind of hard to enjoy your day when your stomach starts rebelling. (I really shouldn't drink wine. Sulfites aren't kind to me. Too bad it tastes so good.)

So a few hours later, after some squealing kids, a little bit of web surfing, some alka seltzer, and something to eat, I managed this little painting.

Witness:

No pressure to be perfect.

Going with the flow of life, paint, and paper.

Lots of color.

Remembering to remember.

Inspiring others (the boy has decided to paint again, finally. we may have broken through his own perfectionism that keeps him from painting/drawing/writing.)

Using what you have and living where you are.

Just breathing.

I can't guarantee that I have enjoyed every bit of today, but I'm trying to remember that I enjoy the parts I do enjoy, and not let the grumpy parts take over the rest.

I should be going down to do some writing in about a half hour, so I am trying to prepare myself to get writing. After my slow down this last week, I am still ahead, but not as far. And this morning, I thought about what I want this story to be... on the whole. I want it to be about a strange beauty, shadows and the unexpected things that grow there, the power that we find when we truly embrace ourselves and all our imperfections. And in order to that, I need to push myself to go deeper, wider, bigger. Also harder, more painful, uglier.

To go all the way with our endeavors, we really have to commit to the whole thing, even if it's scary, even if it isn't expected, even if people might not like it. Even if it's odd.

Say yes to those cracks between things.

That's how the light gets in.

Okay well, we'll see if I'm brave enough to go to those cracked and dark places, instead of just going with the flow.

As for you, I hope you are remembering to enjoy life in your little cracked or not so cracked parts of the world..

Flying Girl Goes Head First, or Dive In

2010-11-13T09:30:00.004-05:00

Flying Girl Goes Head First or Dive In...

acrylic and pencil on paper

AEDM 13, 11/13/10

Where have I been? I skipped posting yesterday. I have been cranky and sick and not all that creative. Well. I've been creative, but low energy.

Plus I've been obsessed with pinterest. It's fun, but it's definitely a time suck. I guess I prefer a time suck when I'm still sick. So oh well.

But I have been slowly recovering, regaining brain power and such. I've been trying to get back into writing for nanowrimo and I've been afraid.

Writing while I was sick and brain dead took me far off course and got me really confused as to what was supposed to be happening.

Yesterday, before work, I sketched out this.

Dive in sketch

pencil on paper

11/12/10 aedm #12

This was me trying to tell myself that it was time to just dive right in, beyond the fear, beyond the uncertainty, beyond the laziness, to just commit. Take the steps. Write the words.

And I did. I lay in bed (because I didn't feel well enough to go downstairs and sit up right) and I just started writing.

I completely skipped the scene that was giving me trouble. I just went to the next part.

And it helped me figure it out.

The act of committing. The act of writing. The act of just doing carried me past the fear and the confusion.

Am I perfectly clear about what comes next? Nope. But I have somewhere to begin.

Remember also, this is week two of the big November challenges, when the excitement and the anticipation and the stored up ideas all start to run out. When life starts to interfere. When it just ain't as easy as it was in the beginning. This is part of the process. Keep going. Dive back in. We shall pass through this and move on to the next phase.

I'll tell you about when i get there.

How is your November going? How is your creativity moving?

Altering a Bleeping Big Thrifted Man's Sweater

2010-11-11T08:36:00.003-05:00

Neckline: Foggy Day Sweater

AEDM day 10

thrifted sweater. thread. scissors. snip snip.

I have decided that what I have is not a cold, because I don't have the whole stuffed nose cough tissue dropping thing going on. What I have is a mild versions of my daughter's nasty flu. That is why I have not been able to think. So okay. Let it go. I will fall behind on my nanowrimo. I have time to make up my numbers later.

But last night, after while watching America's Next Top Model, I finally took out my old sweater.
Here it is, pre chopping.

It's a big baggy sweater that is fairly soft of a nice heathered greeny gray. Like a foggy day. It's a little tight in the neckline for me. I want it for throwing on after a day of work, over my tshirt, to lounge about in. But I'd like it to be more stylish than just a big old baggy man's sweater.

So the first step was to cut out the neckline. I was inspired by this sweater, that I have been staring at for months, it seems. I am afraid of cutting the arms. That seems a much bigger step to take. But I think I really need to do it. I think this sweater needs it's arms chopped off. However, I like feel the cozy sweater around my wrists. I think I am going to have to take the jump and just do it. (Whenever I make something, there is often a stage where I don't want to take the big step, to try something new, to possibly ruin it... and I just have to go for it.)

The neckline has improved it already, so why the heck not? Plus, there's something awkward about the big shoulders on this sweater, they don't lay flat, so I'm thinking a wise chopping and stitching might improve the whole thing. Who knows. Maybe I'll ruin it. But I'm still counting it as my aedm item.

Oh, I also just wanted to say that I finally got my invite for pinterest and I am now officially obsessed. I may have to let go of my small and heartfelt blog for the pinterest boards, since I use s&h as a pin board of things I like, but it takes me about 20 times longer to do a s&h post as it does to click the little "pin it" button on my bookmark bar. Sorry if you liked the blog, but I just don't have the time to maintain it the way I would like. Come on over to pinterest. If you need an invite, email me and I think I can send you one.

Sex & Chocolate, Art & Writing

2010-11-10T08:29:00.003-05:00

Sex & Chocolate

ink, repurposed menu

day 10 AEDM

Just a quick note, a quick sketch to get myself in there on this AEDM.

A friend asked me to sketch out a design for an invitation, so when I had some down time at work, I did. It made me remember that I've been doing invitations, posters, menus, tshirts and various other design projects since I was very young. I've even been paid for them.

I forget sometimes that I do that. I mean, I do it all by hand. I don't know anything about the various tools of the graphic design trade, from photoshop to screen printing, but I do it.

Maybe I should have gone to art school. Oh well.

Right now I'm too busy with the other parts of my life, and as soon as I finish this, I have to run downstairs and write my novel.

I didn't write yesterday because I was too confused. The cold plus a detour in the plotline took me off so I got lost. Today I think my brain is working a tiny bit better and I think I've decided to back up and start writing again from before I got derailed. I'm still keeping my word count from it, and the character who showed up might come back later, but I'm just going to skip over all that writing.

Wish me luck.

The Moon Was Up Here, or Creative Slumps and the Journey

2010-11-09T09:07:00.003-05:00

the moon was up here...

watercolor, pencil, sharpie, on paper

November 9, day 9 AEDM

(It was dark, pre dawn, and the three of us walked along. On our way to the rest of our life.)

This is a quick sketch I did this morning. Well, I did the pencil yesterday and watercolor today, the ink too. I didn't want to think too much about it. I wanted to just let if be whatever came to my mind in the moment, thus the grammatical mistakes. Or perhaps the not my favorite choice for colors.

What I've learned from my years (yes years) of creative challenges, is that it often takes a while to find your groove. You start out excited for the challenge, with the opportunity to jump into some things that you have been thinking about for a while, then after a while, your ideas dry up and you kind of futz around, wondering what is going on, wondering what it is you should be doing, what it is you have to say, wondering if you have anything to say at all.

It would be really easy to stop in this point, because it's not a very fun point. That is where the commitment takes over. You keep going because you promised yourself you would. You keep looking for ways to be creative because you promised yourself you would. And it can be a grind.

But somewhere in that grind, you discover something that is meaningful to you, and it all starts making sense again and then you start having your ideas again, and your direction, and you learn new things about your technique and about your voice and the energy returns.

I am in the grind.

But I will continue on.

This is the process.

And it's all good.

How is your process going? Are you sticking with it? Are you living up to your commitments?

ps I think this may also go for all commitments, relationships, jobs, education, projects.

nanowwrimo: 30113 words, day 8

Can Eye Skip Today?

2010-11-08T14:14:00.002-05:00

Eye.

Wax.

Day 8 AEDM

No, that is not a dried apricot.

That is an eye carved out of melted candle wax. I did it while avoiding my nanowrimo wordcount for today.

But I carved an eye.

And I hit 30 thousand words in my new novel. Bad words. Nonsense words. Words that will be removed when I finally figure out what words I SHOULD be writing in this book.

I am still cranky. I am still sick.

Can I skip today? (bad pun, I know. Plus, I did not skip today.)

The Pink Pennant Banner and The Grumpy Day

2010-11-07T10:25:00.003-05:00

Pink Pennant Banner

repurposed kids clothes, tulle

AEDM, day 7

Well, good morning.

I have a cold and am tired and achey and cranky. DON'T mess with me.

However, I'm still trying to maintain my creative goals. Despite the way life have a tendency to whack one over the head with the busy stick. Eh, to be honest, it's my day off, I'm not that busy, except for the kids climbing all over me. Apparently they did not read my entry today, particularly the part where it said DON'T mess with me. Sigh.

But, to maintain AEDM, when I was feeling like a grump and having no ideas that were at all creative, I used my jar of creative ideas and pulled out a project that inspired my imagination in the past. I ended up pulling a project that I've been putting off for months.

I told the kids months ago that I would decorate their room like a circus. I figure it would be good for cross gender preferences, the lions and bright colors for the boy, and the sparkly decorations and pretty ladies for the girl.

One of the things I'd planned to do was to create coordinating pennant banners for each side of their rooms.

Pulling this project now made me go to my scrap clothing bin and pull out an old pair of pink camouflage sweat pants that Ivy was too big for. I would have preferred pink flowers or stripes, but those who are lazy cannot be picky. That would be me, the lazy one. I almost cut up a pink flowered dress that I didn't particularly like, but the girl saw me and cried out, "Oh not my princess dress!" and so a new princess dress-up dress was gained (seen in the first picture).

So pink camouflage it is. Please notice, I did not sew a darn thing. I just cut out triangles and slit little holes in the top. It's sweat shirt material, so it won't fray. That was part of the plan, my friends. A particularly nice detail, I thought, was when I realized that the roll of tulle I had leftover from another project would make a good ribbon. And it did. I used a bobby pin as a needle and threaded it through the slits I'd made in the top. Tied the ends into bows, and then pinned it up to the wall in her room.

Here it is, in her room. It's not a very good picture, but did I tell you I was lazy?

She likes to put her toys up at the top of her bed so she can make up stories about them. Along with the dolls and stuffed animals, there are a couple of fabric flowers, a pinwheel, a flower lei and a potty chart award, as well as a dream catcher, and barely visible to the side, her very own pink Flying Girl mobile. In this light, she kind of looks like a girl on the flying trapeze. She's already asked for a unicorn painting... and I either have to paint it or I have to buy something from etsy. The boy asked for a lion. Or was it a tiger? I don't remember.

Anyway. Grumpy and Sick Rowena has done her duty for AEDM. Grr.

I still have to go write for Nano, if I can dig up the time alone to do so. Grr.

I need some chicken soup and orange juice. Luckily, I made chicken soup two days ago when I felt the cold start to come on. Hey! I should put the chicken soup in my AEDM count.

Babette and the Balloon Flight, or Pace Yourself

2010-11-06T16:58:00.003-04:00

Babette, dressed for Autumn balloon flying

repurposed menus, acrylic paint, pencil.

Lookie here! My Babette girl is wearing clothes. You can't see her underwear.

I drew an outfit inspired, actually, by Leah's aedm painting. It's not the first time her striped tights have reminded me how much I like striped tights.

But, I can see that I am just a beginning paper doll maker. I don't have the appropriate paper for this. I can't see through it to trace the doll and get a perfect shape, but I will admit that I made a pretty near guesstimate on the shape, making her only a few millimeters short. (At the bottom you can see her black pumps underneath the red mary janes.

ANYway, despite my flaws in the doll making, I think it's cute. She's got a green long sleeved undershirt, a light blue mini dress and a red/purple belt. All of this over the delightful green and blue striped tights, and the ruby mary jane slippers. I tossed in a pouch-purse, because it reminded me of the shape of balloons. What you don't see is the striped blue and green cap that I had to get rid of because my eyeballing it made it too dern small to fit over her head. Oh well.

As for Nanowrimo? I am slowing down. That's okay. I was going really fast before. Sometimes I set my goals too high, and then falling short makes me feel bad, so I have to recalibrate my expectations of myself. Another thing I have learned from nano years passed... if I set really high goals for myself and force myself to reach them (the first year I did 100k words, instead of the standard 50k) I end up burning out by the end of the month. Of course, I am more used to the intense pace of daily creative challenges, so I may be better able to manage them.

This whole creative life thing... it's a marathon, not a sprint. You may want to do intense fast sprints sometimes, but it's really hard to keep up that intensity in the long run.

Slow and steady wins the race, they say. Only you can define what that slow means. For me, I tend to make it be faster than other people write... but then I am a bit of a compulsive writer. I can't really stop myself from writing. I guess that's why I blog, too. And you should see my decades of journals.

All I can say is keep it up. You don't have to reach your goals all perfectly, but if you want to reach the end point, you do have to keep going. Pace yourself, figure out what works for you, but keep going.

The Sun

2010-11-05T17:57:00.003-04:00

The Sun, (Flying Girl Tarot Card)

repurposed menu, pencil. acrylic paint, watercolor

I did this at work yesterday. Someone I know was having a hard day. I thought, you know, I don't have it in me to be a mom to everyone I know. I just don't have that much energy. I barely have it in me to be mom to my actual kids, but then I thought, I don't have to be a mom to everyone. I have something to give that is my own special thing to give.

Then I asked myself, if I had something to tell her, what would I have said? And the image that popped in my head was The Sun, from the tarot. And then of course, the song, Here Comes The Sun went singing through my head.

What did this image mean to me? As a message for her? Hard times come. There's no stopping them. But if you look at them as a passage we must travel through, if you understand that there is an end to struggle, and you understand that after darkness comes light, well, then, you know the struggle will have its own purpose. And you know the sun will come. Life will be joyous again. All is right with the world (even in those days/weeks/months when it seems like nothing is right).

And what kind of message is that for me? Because you know, all the messages I have for you are messages for me. When people buy prints and paintings from me on etsy, as I am packaging up those pieces, I am getting a message that I need to hear.

So what this piece is saying to me is to enjoy the sun that is shining today. No matter the struggles or worries, the sun is still shining. Even above the clouds, it is shining. Open yourself up to the joy of life, and let it be the beautiful life that it is.

nanowrimo: 20432

Babette and The Living

2010-11-04T09:11:00.006-04:00

Babette, A Paper Doll (prototype)

paper, pencil, ink, acrylic paint

Yesterday, I got the urge to make a paper doll. I was standing around at work when the urge hit. So I whipped out some recycled menu scraps and started sketching. Woo hoo.

I also got some feedback from the other women at work. What woman doesn't like paper dolls? Actually, one of them came up with her name, "Babette," which gave me all sorts of ideas for possible outfits to design.

I'm still trying out ways to make this work, so I'm not sure if I won't have to make a couple of

different versions. I think perhaps her arms should not be so close to her body, and perhaps her feet should be slightly more apart, so as to make her shoes more visible. Shoes are part of fashion. Fashion is part of paper dolls.

Babette, detail

I have to admit that I was a little rushed while painting this. And I am not so sure that acrylic is the best medium for her. Or perhaps I was just unable to do it as smoothly as I wanted to. I also need to work on getting better pictures, but I am taking these photos when the sun is still not fully up. Yes. I work early in the morning. Perhaps daylight savings time will help with that.

All in all, I think she's a little clumsy in execution, but AEDM is not about perfection for me. It's about getting the ideas down. Getting the ideas out. It's about developing the practice of creating every day. And maybe some of that creating ends up being a great end product.

But you know, the end product is not the point. Not really. The point is the creating. Just like collecting material goods (art, paper dolls, clothes, money) is not the point of life. The point of life is living.

That said, I'm still going to create lovely outfits for Babette. Because I like fashion and I like clothes and I don't always have the opportunity to dress up myself. The point is not to always be the height of fashion, the point is to have fun with fashion. This is fun. Woo hoo.

Now I must start heading off for work. A little behind this morning. Lost my chance to write.

Hopefully I will be able to write when I get home today. There is no emergency in my word count, because I have been writing far above the word goal of 1667 words a day. I've been doing something ridiculous like 5k every day.

Now I like smashing my word goal every day. I like the challenge of reaching and surpassing my goals. I like finishing my scenes. I like getting past the rough patches, even though I don't particularly like being mired in the rough patches of the story. I just keep writing and I get myself out of the mess, sooner or later. And later still, I can go back and smooth out the rough edges and deleting the REALLY rough edges.

In this case, the output is the point. Except the quality of the output isn't. Just like with AEDM, it's about being creative, about the writing practice, and about getting the ideas out on paper so that I have a body of work to whip into shape.

And so.

Keep going. Roll with the rough patches. Keep going. Accept the flaws. Keep going. Live for the living. Keep going. Don't stop trying. Keep going. Sit down and create. The creating is the point. The living in the point.

Go for it.

nano word count: 16041 (day 3: 5457 words)

AEDM day 3: Babette the paper doll

Hi Ho, Silver-- I Mean, Glittery Ruby!

2010-11-03T08:06:00.003-04:00

Glitter Ruby Horse (on desk, with plant and chocolate covered raisins.)

Plastic Cowboy Scene Horse, Gesso, Acrylic Paint, Acrylic Gel Medium, Glitter

11/02/10, AEDM #2

I had the urge, yesterday, to get some glitter out into the world.

Luckily, I had some glitter left over from Halloween projects. And unluckily for my kids' little toy horse, it was in my line of sight when the urge overtook me.

This could be a dangerous situation, as it is rather easy to turn something regular into something FABULOUS. Although it did demand patience, because there are four layers here, gesso, paint, gel medium (which might not be the best thing to make glitter stick) and glitter. And I needed to let most of these layers dry before moving on to the next. Which I did not. And it was hard to get the whole thing glittered without rubbing off some of the glitter that was already placed.

Anyway, I enjoy the broad definition of art in the AEDM rules, as this might be more properly defined as craft, but for me, I think it's a blurry distinction.

I showed my daughter, and she's already declared that she needs a pink glitter unicorn.

Glittery Ruby Horse on desk with plant and Creativity Jar

I also wanted to show you my jar of art projects.

I wrote ideas for projects on an index card, cut them up into little strips, then curled them on the end of a paintbrush and dropped them into the mason jar.

This is to help me out on those nights when I collapse on the couch after a long day, with nary a creative idea in my head.

I can reach over and pull a curly strip, and let chance decide how I will be creative that night. I haven't needed to do that yet, but I'm sure I will at some point. Every time I have a new idea, I write it down, make another strip and drop it in. And I also have no problem with rejecting an idea I pull, if I don't really want to do it. I don't want this to feel like work. I want it to be fun.

Last night, I was really tired and didn't want to create. I just wanted to be a shlub.... but I know that in order to develop the creative habit of nightly painting to the point where it is automatic instead of a chore I have to make myself do... I have to honor my commitment, my long term goal of creativity, rather than my short term desire to be lazy.

It's a delicate balance, trying to walk between that commitment and keeping it fun. But that's why we keep the rules light and flexible, so that there is room for both the commitment and the fun.

How are you doing in your creative commitments this month? Are you managing to remember that this is fun? Are you staying true to your long term desire to be creative, even though the fear pops up and tries to make you do something else, anything else?

Maybe the Glittery Ruby horse might serve as a reminder that we have to get back on that horse, if we want to get all the way to the end of our creative journeys. And yet, this is still a FABULOUS journey, full of joys and light and unexpected turns.

Hmm. Yes. I do think so.

I believe that Glittery Ruby Horse will find a place on my desk, as a muse to my creativity and a reminder to remember the joy.

(Now if only I can get her away from my daughter. Perhaps a promise of a glittery pink unicorn will do.)

Little Gods and Goddesses: Nanowrimo, The First Day

2010-11-02T08:09:00.004-04:00

Little Gods and Goddesses

"cover art"

11/1/10 Day 1 AEDM

acrylic and pencil on paper

Yesterday, the start of Nanowrimo and AEDM, I woke up bright and early, took the boy to the school bus while the moon was still out, returned home, and promptly got to work... on Facebook.

Oops.

It turns out it's really scary to get started on those big projects that you have big hope for.

The more weight you put on something, the scary it is for you to actually tackle.

But, I pulled on my big girl pants and sat down and tackled it one word at a time. And it turned out it wasn't that hard to tackle.

I don't want to talk about my impression of the WORTH of what I wrote to get myself started. But it is not really important how good the writing is, not at this point. I am writing my way into the story. I might delete every word I've just written-- at some later stage. Because right now it is not about having lyrical prose, engaging characters or a fantastic plot.

Right now it is just about getting the words down, getting rid of that empty page. Getting the ideas out into some sort of concrete form. Giving myself a scaffold to which I can hang my story.

This is the first draft.

The glories and the pains of just writing it out.

It's a little bit difficult to switch from the editor's cap which I have been wearing for the last 11 months, to the first drafter's cap. But I'm working on it.

The most important phrase of this whole post is the one I just wrote, "I'm working on it." Because you can't write a novel, not a first draft, not a second draft, not a final version, if you don't sit down and work on it.

Little Gods and Goddesses, detail (with the little mermaid. i like her.)

The images I have here are from my first piece of art for AEDM. It's "cover art" for my nanowrimo novel. Well... it's a concept. I drew the sketch for it last week when I was trying to get into my story, get a handle on it, understand what it was about and what the themes were and what the title was.

Right now the working title is Little Gods and Goddesses. I don't know if I'll keep it, but it keeps me focused on some things. And it makes me happy when I see it. And if it weren't for AEDM, I wouldn't have sat down with my paints and finished this cover art, temporary as it may be. Just me and Chuck and some chocolate chip cookies and my paints. After Chuck was over, I closed my paints, turned off the tv, and went to bed, satisfied to have met my goals for the day.

Nanowrimo : 5180 words

AEDM 1/30

All Creativity Day

2010-11-01T08:15:00.002-04:00

Here we are, me and the boy. Before trick or treating.

I have much to post, it being nanowrimo and AEDM... however, it also being 8am, I don't have much to post quite yet. There is no creating to document at this moment, but I wanted to just give a shout out to Halloween, and the end of Halloween. I'd feel I could relax a bit, except for the lunacy of tackling nanowrimo and AEDM.

What can I say, I am an inhabitant of the asylum, and I am about to descend to the basement and hole up with some purloined trick or treat candy, a cup of coffee, some notes and my laptop.

If you all are interested. That hair stayed inflated from 10 am to 10 pm. It took me about an hour to get the hairspray and ratting out of my hair. That's after two washing, two conditionings, a lot of combing, the loss of a beast-worth of hair, and some smoothing cream.

Evil beauty comes at a price.

Happy All Saints Day. Happy Nanowrimo. Happy AEDM. And Happy November

BOO! A Halloween of Birds, Beasts, and Creativity

2010-10-31T08:53:00.004-04:00

The Birds Are Coming to Get You!!

raven silhouettes on storm door

Did you ever see Hitchcock's The Birds? If you haven't, you should.

From then on, every flock of birds you see settling on tree branch and phone wire will seem vaguely eerie.

My part-way-done attempts at Halloween have led me to this... the ravens look good, but there should be more, and some branches. Also, we only carved one pumpkin. The other was breakfast for squirrels. I wonder if I did silhouettes of squirrels on the door if it would serve the same eerie effect?? Maybe only to pumpkins.

I painted claws on the boy for his vampire costume, I painted claws on me for my witch costume. And last night I finished my witch hat. I'm rather proud of it and might make a tutorial for it. It's not really that difficult, but it's hard to keep the glue in all the right places. A tutorial can count as a part of Art Every Day Month, right? Tutorials are complicated business. I mean "art." because it will be counting, because I am a rebel, you know.

Any way, this is just a note to say, I've got to get out of here and start getting ready for the busiest day of the year. Or one of, anyway.

Here we go, Halloween, and then on to AEDM and nanowrimo.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Creating!

Happy Writing!

Of Martha Stewart, Supermoms, and Just Plain Ole Me

2010-10-29T09:27:00.003-04:00

Girl and Ghost at Dusk

I've been gearing up for Halloween round these parts, feeling like, between work and writing and sleep and cooking and caring for kids, I am not stepping up to the kind of Halloween I feel I should be doing.

I know it's silly and perfectionist and SuperMom (in a bad way) but I still feel guilty for not doing the Halloween party and not hand making the vampire cape (or not even hemming it, when I cut the adult one down to size) or not doing the jack'o'lantern early. But there it is. We don't need a handmade vampire cape. The squirrels would eat the jack'o'lantern, were I to carve it, and to be honest, I just don't have it in me to host a kids party.

So. I shall focus on the things I have been able to do.

Like the ghost flying on the porch. With the girl (demon-child) dancing along. (Easy DIY-- Two lengths of tulle, wrapped around some scrunched up bubble wrap for a head, tied with a strip of tulle and thumbtacked to the porch, allowed to blow in the breeze.)

Or like the spider ring. Plain, 20 cent plastic spider rings, but with some gel medium and a dusting of glitter, something that a princess might wear. I also did a black one dusted in red glitter, especially for a little vampire that I know. But he's taken it off to his kindergarten Halloween party, and I am too slow to photoshoot.
Or this... My silhouettes of crows. I will show you at a later date what I did with these guys.

So what if I have done all my Halloween preparations in the last couple of days. When did we start doing holidays a month before the date, anyway.

Hey, I'm not Martha Stewart. I'm not even the bootleg Martha Stewart. I'm too busy with other stuff. And that's okay.

We don't have to live up to the perfectionist standards of those who make a living off of their housewifery. And we don't have to pretend we are super beings able to leap tall to do lists in one bound.

We are just people. And we have goals and yearnings and struggles and talents and imperfections and exhaustions and realities to live. We are just who we are, what we are, when we are.

And that is just fine.

Happy Halloween, at any level of celebration.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid-- Halloween, The Living Dead and Nanowrimo

2010-10-28T08:48:00.003-04:00

Cemetery in Michigan (oooooOOOOOOooooooooOOooohhh... creepy...)

I am getting ready for everything.

Getting ready for Halloween. Goodness, these kids take a lot of work. Vampires and princesses. Witches for me. That reminds me, I have to make another version of my mini witches hat for my costume, because the one I made looks like... well... a mess. Maybe I'll photograph this version, and you can follow along.

Getting ready to finish my first novel. I need to take a break on that, but I'm still sending out copies to readers and receiving feedback. Thank goodness for google documents.

Getting ready to start the next book. Research research research. Outline outline. All in the few moments in between living life.

Gearing up for NaNoWriMo. Sorry if I talk about it a lot. Talking about it gets the juices flowing.

Actually that's true of all creative projects. Immersing yourself in the world of your project gets you excited to get going.

And another thing about nanowrimo... it's not just the deadline that gets you writing, it's all the months (especially October) where you aren't allowed to write according to the rules. And the anticipation of writing starts to build, and you think about your book and write around the writing (outlines, character sheets, research etc) and all of that serves to deepen your book and your thoughts and your entrapment in the world of the book, so that when you FINALLY start, there is something rich and deep and alive.

I am a big proponent of the "holding" stage of creativity. That's when you DON'T jump in to your creative project at the first urge of inspiration, but you let it live inside of you, in the darkness of your subconscious, growing like some sort of fungus or root system or larvae. Only the really strong ideas will last. And they will attract other strong ideas. And they will all grow and transform with the close proximity and the heat of your attention and the magic of your imagination. And then you will have a living being and when you finally start, you have already done so much inner work that the writing part takes on a life of it's own.

So with nanowrimo, on November First, (not coincidentally the Day of the Dead) your novel is ready to rise from the darkness and take corporeal form, like all sorts of uncontrollable frightening beings--ghosts, zombies, vampires, novels.

Are you scared yet?

Projects and Creative Process

2010-10-27T07:18:00.003-04:00

Sketch, unfinished

From The Sketchbook Project

Where oh where have I been?

I had a little bit of a breakdown, actually. Oh, not like that, but after working furiously this weekend, and marinating in angst over finishing my final draft and synopsis and query letters before November 1st so I could start nanowrimo, I realized that I needed another pass of revision, more research on agents, and more time to write a good query and synopsis.

I will not be able to send out my novel this week. Period.

Even though it is better for my book and for me, once I realized that, I got a little funky. I felt like I was trying so hard and working so hard but no matter how hard I tried, I was always left with nothing at the end.

Of course, that's not a true feeling. I am not nowhere now. I have worked hard, but my novel is there, all four drafts of it, and I am farther along in the process than I have ever been. And some time off from the first novel means I will be able to get more feedback from my readers, and have time to make a really good query letter, which is all important. And I will also be able to add another layer of meaning to the book, since I am writing the sequel. (Oh I know people say to sell it before you write the next book, but I would write it even if I didn't get it sold, I do it because I love it, so, thus my decision. And I don't want to miss nanowrimo.)

The truth is art is a process. And something huge like a novel is even more of a process. Or this sketchbook, which is not about one page, but about the whole thing.

I am starting my sketchbook project. My theme is "If you lived here..." It wasn't my first choice of theme, but I had technical difficulties and couldn't get the shopping cart to take my order (for weeks, seriously!) until I changed my subscription and when I finally ordered my journal, my favorite themes were taken.

But, I enjoy a challenge of theme and inspiration, and I thought it would be interesting to see what came up.

I did my first sketch while waiting for my son's school bus. And the second one, too a few days later. And then I realized how much I love some of these cool old houses here in my town. Wondering about what it's like to live there.... And whabam, I had my way in. Not sure what this project will look like when it's done, what it will be like to live there, in that project, but I'm giving it a shot.

But let me tell you, I don't intend to just sketch houses. Something is going to happen to these houses over the course of the next couple of months. I plan to sketch a bunch, fill the book, and then go back over it and add color, detail, print, collage... whatever feels right. I'm thinking Art Every Day Month can help me with getting this done before the deadline. I'll probably have to return to my post bedtime/primetime tv painting schedule to get this done. And I'm looking forward to seeing how the sketchbook project (which I won't get to keep) will affect my art in general.

So that's where I am. With not much final work to show you, but hip deep in process, and done with the angst (for now).

On Creativity, Blogging, Writing and Feedback

2010-10-23T08:36:00.004-04:00

I haven't blogged this much week, but I didn't want anyone to feel abandoned, or to think I wasn't being creative.

I wasn't painting or drawing, and haven't really taken photos since last Monday (the above photo is from then, but I really like some of the Autumn cloudy golden hour traveling photos, so I'm okay). And usually, my blog posts are inspired by the images I have. When I sit down to blog, I run through my recent photos and pick the one to inspire the blog. It's usually a photo of some craft or painting, and when I don't have one of those, a photo like this, taken just for prettiness.

But this week, I have been focusing on writing. Well, that and the kids. And the working. So there's not much evidence of the work I've done.

But I did finish doing a fourth pass of my novel, editing and fine tuning some of the language. I sent out some chapters to friends of mine, trusted readers.

I started getting text messages not too long after sending out the first 7 chapters or so.

Send more please I have finished. And must have more please. Please send the whole thing can’t wait I’m hooked. Need my fix.

I wasn't quite done with the editing then, so I sent her the next two chapters... and got this.

Can u try resending 8 and 9 again? And send me more pls I will be on the road for another 4 hours at least.

K finished 8 and 9 it was spotty internet reception. I’m ready for the rest and to be honest not very patiently. This is a very good story and I see it v...

...ery visually. Please send me the rest I can’t wait.

And then as I rushed, to finish, even more.

OK done where is the rest lady????? Sorry I’m being pushy but its ur fault for writing a page turner. U can upload all the pages on google. It isn’t save...

...d on ur puter but the google network. Hurry up please I have to find out what happens in Scranton.

Ok don’t be holding out now. LOL its really good.

In the end I sent her the unedited draft and let her chew over the last half of the book while I retreated to the basement on my day off and spent the day editing and writing my author's outline.

And while I was working on the last couple of chapters, she started filling up my text inbox with this

There r more books no? I feel like it’s a trilogy or something.

I knew it lol. It’s really entertaining and addictive. The characters r real people. I see them feel for them root for them. U will have no prob selling t...

...his book.

I have a good feelin. U know I read a lot. U know I love books. I want more I’m thinking about the next book. When I get like this I make terry take me

To the store so I can buy all the books in the series. That is how I feel about this book. It is what I see in the future. BTW it is visual enough for a...

...movie. I saw that immediately. Get writing missy U got me addicted. When I read it I’m in the book drawn in. I forget u wrote it. I’m immersed in it. And...

...right now I’m kinda pissy that I have to wait for the next book. All signs that it is good.

PLEASE

After I finished I came up stairs and received a phone call, where we must have talked for an hour about my book. She helped me come up with some plot ideas for the next book, and saw elements of my family in the characters... because you see she is my cousin.

All in all, it was a good thing for my afraid-to-show-my-book self.

Thanks Mitz for the review and the book talk.

It was a good ego boost, and now I can try to whip my query, synopsis, and sample chapters into shape and send them out to agents before Nanowrimo... when I will start the next book and forget all about agents.

Autumn Travelling and Day Trip

2010-10-19T10:11:00.003-04:00

Fall Traveling

Yesterday, we went on a road trip, which explains my lack of posting. Well. We just went to Ann Arbor, but we were out and about all day. I forgot to even take a whole bunch of photos, although I have pictures of some of my favorite fields. I remember to do that because I'm sitting in a car, with nothing to occupy my hands.

Plus, on our way back, storm clouds rolled in, but the sun broke through from the west, on it's way out of town, and lit everything up. The golden hour. And in the golden season of yellow leaves and yellow cornfields. Golden all around, set off by the gray motion of clouds.

I have the idea to have a whole suite of these photos. A traveling of the year kind of thing. Maybe blow them up a bit and have four on a wall. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. I got here in December, so I'm almost all the way. Actually, I don't know how I would limit it to only four photos. I don't know. That project is still on the horizon. Plus, I hope my camera is good enough to take pictures that can blow up well.

I'm starting to save for a DSLR, I think. Good enough for my hobbyist status, and for taking blog and shop pictures.

Also, on our day trip, we stopped for lunch at our favorite pizza place that reminds us of old New York City. Gabriel hates pizza (I know! The sacrilege!) so he has plain wings.
Ivy however is a girl after her mama's heart. She loves her some pepperoni.

And we went thrift shopping and got some stuff for Halloween and all sorts of stuff.

All in all a fun day, although not much of my work was done. Oh well. This is life and we have to get the living in with all the work.

By the way. I wanted to toss a picture in of Grandma's house, here.

Look at that tree. It really looks like that. Kind of glowy. The leaves on the inside are yellow, fading to orange, to that bright red on the outside, so the tree itself is luminescent. AWE. SOME.

I wonder if Grandma bought the car to match that tree, because they are the exact same pumpkin red shade.

I tell ya, Michigan sure does have some pretty Fall foliage. Almost too pretty to actually capture in pictures.

Right Here, Right Now.

2010-10-15T08:44:00.004-04:00

Gorgeous Fall

So here we are, mid October. I'm working a lot, both at my paying job and with my writing and my art.

I am also working really hard at living my life.

By that, I mean I am trying to enjoy my life. Trying to be present in the moment. To not wish it away on future goals and long lists of what I have to/want to do.

You know what helps with that?

When I walk out of my front door in the morning and take my five minute walk to work, up the street lined with red, orange, yellow, tan, brown, and occasionally purple trees.

I have lived in Florida the last two Autumns, so I missed the perfect Fall. Here I have it. The weather alternates between warm and sunny, and crisp and cool.

And I am perfectly aware, as I walk up that perfect Fall street, with the charming houses, and the crunch under my feet of fallen leaves, and the warm sun and the cool breeze, that this is the only moment of this that there will be.

Tomorrow, more leaves will fall, and the branches will bare, and the weather will get colder. There might be wonderful things about tomorrow, but it won't be today. So perhaps we should revel in the today while we have it.

I haven't finished my author's outline yet, or the synopsis of my novel, or my agent research. Still working on it all. I don't have any new creations to show up here in my blog. My etsy shop is limping along, not getting as much attention as I'd like. I'm still working with my son on his writing, that he feels like he can't do. The house continues to be halfway to a shambles.

But my morning constitutionals are like walking through sunshine made solid. And the air smells somewhat spicy, like cinnamon. And I actually HAVE finished my novel, more so than I've ever done in my life. And finances are stable for the moment. And work is a good place with good people. And the kids are strong and happy and growing up. And it's all good, right now, in its never doneness.

Right here, right now, what is good with you?

The River

2010-10-13T09:38:00.003-04:00

Flower Bookmark

"when you do the, things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy." -Rumi

I made this little bookmark as a gift for a customer.

I think I have known this river moving through me. I have swum this river. Actually, I used to dream about this river. It was usually the Hudson River, in my dream.

As I've gotten older, I think the pressures of the world have weighed on me more. I fight the river. I think I should be going faster, or perhaps should be on a different tributary, or perhaps I shouldn't be on the river at all, but should be walking down the street taking my son to the school bus.

But perhaps it is all the river. It is all just the speed it is supposed to be. Perhaps there is no tributary, it is all just the river. Perhaps even the walking is part of the river.

It just is.

(reverse)

I attached a pretty piece of fabric to the back of this bookmark. It hides the menu writing and it's pretty.

I think I'm going to practice just going with the flow today.

Even with the things I have to do, even with the plans for the future, even with the things I really want to do and the things I don't particularly want to do. I'm not going to worry about mapping my river, I'm just going to swim.

I'm going to ride this river.

How is your river flowing today?

The Last Pages

2010-10-12T09:28:00.003-04:00

The Last Pages

casio exilim

I have 10 minutes to write to you before I have to run for lunch.

Have I been avoiding this post? Why? I have big news.

I shhhhhhhh finished my novel.

The above picture is me editing my last few pages, down in the basement, alone, blessedly, working.

Now I have to polish up those first few chapters, although after I finished the last page, I did do another pass at the troublesome first chapter. I've worked at it so much that it's not as bad as I feared.

I think I'll take a break on that editing for a bit, and start working on my synopsis. Do some research on agents. Take a stab at doing a query letter.

If any of you know of any good websites for research on these matters, I would be so grateful if you sent them to me. Knowledge is power, you know.

And of course, if you want to take a look at my mss and publish it, I wouldn't be against it. ;)

A Day In My Life, 10/10/10

2010-10-11T08:46:00.005-04:00

First Picture, Still Sleeping

Holy Cannoli! I have a lot of pictures. This is only some of the photos from my day long photo shoot of October 10th, 2010. 10/10/10. There are some more on my flickr account. I don't think there are any duplicates between the two. And there are still more that I haven't published, but could. And there are still more, not uploaded from my camera, that I took after the kids went to bed. Not that many. I was tired and busy editing.

One good side effect to all these pictures is that I finally signed up for flickr pro. Maybe that will entice me to use flickr more effectively.

Anyway, there are so many pictures that I think I will just title them, rather than write about every single one. All photos here were taken on 10/10/10, with my old Casio exilim point and shoot that fits into my pocket.
We Are Wide Awake
Cat Love
Waiting For Coffee
Save Me
I Wuv Fuzzy
Constant Motion
Coffee
Crazy Hair
Escape
Brush
Window
South Street
Go Go Go
Work
I Love Lattes
Home Again
Home
Yard Sunshine
Bedtime Stories

10/10/10-- A Photo Essay Project of Your Day

2010-10-08T08:24:00.004-04:00

I Am Here Somewhere

fading self portrait

casio exilim

10/8/10

I haven't done any crafty artsy projects lately. Or at least, I haven't finished them or taken their photos so that I could post them. I feel a little unfinished without my art projects, like I am forgetting something.

Oh well. I've been living my life. Waking up too early, getting everyone fed and dressed, taking the boy to school, going off to work, (whether that is to the paying job or to the one that I volunteer to tackle for free in the basement, in two hour increments), come back home, pick up the boy at the bus stop, get everyone snacks, take care of the school work and/or the emotional needs, make dinner, get everyone cleaned up, pajama'd and off to bed, then kind of collapsing on the couch to do nothing, and going to bed far earlier than I was used to before I became the mom of a school aged kid .

But in the meantime, I'm still here. Still thinking about projects. Planning. Blogging. Etsying. Parenting. Cooking, and so on.

I'm going to have faith that it will all work out in the end. More or less. In some fashion.
I Am Here Somewhere

landscape of trees

casio exilim

10/8/10

I am also remembering to take pictures, sometimes.

I've decided that on 10/10/10, I am going to take pictures all day long. A document, of sort, of my own life. Somewhere out in the blogosphere, there is a plan to film the day, all over the world, different filmmakers from everywhere. I don't remember where I saw it. I can't find it in my google reader and I can't find it in google. Oh well. I like the intention for myself. (If you know what I'm talking about, can you leave me a note so I can link back to the project?)

Because, frankly, life is not an endpoint, but a process. It is happening right here right now. Why wait until I get the projects done, the novel done, the job done, the bedtime done, the dinner done, the editing done, the perfection done?

The perfection? Ah yes. No such thing. We know that already.

Waiting to get it all finished and perfect, we forget the living.

So on 10-10-10 I am going to do a photo essay on the living of my life. (I have to work, so I'm not sure how I am going to manage taking photos, because I'm pretty sure we're not allowed, although I could always ask.)

I invite you, although it is late notice, to bring your camera with you on 10/10/10 and document your life as you are living it. The people, the places, the things, the actions, the results, the color, the darkness, the motion, the stillness, the day.

As an exercise in mindfulness and creativity, seeing and living.

If you want to join in, just leave a comment. Or come back on 10/11/10 and leave a link to your own photo essay.

No rules on this one. Just the fun of photographing your day.

Small Things With Great Love

2010-10-06T08:08:00.005-04:00

Small Things With Great Love

acrylic and pencil on paper, 8.5"x5"

Where I am is overwhelmed.

Frankly, I am trying to fit 36 hours into the 24 we have. And it just doesn't work.

Then I get overwhelmed and anxious and then I just can't get anything done. It's one of the things that makes waiting tables a good fit for me... because I just go in there, do my job in the moment, even if the moment is stressful, there is only ever what needs to be done right then. It's very zen.

When I get home, I start thinking about all the needs and shoulds, the future and the past, the fears and the desires, and I get derailed feeling like I can't do it all, so I end up just doing nothing.

So yesterday I painted myself this remembering. (Did I just make up a word? Remembering? It's something to get me remembering the long view.)

Small things with great love. Inspired by the Mother Theresa quote, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

We CAN'T do it all. We CAN'T do these HUGE things when we are these small people... except we can, when we just tackle it one little thing at a time. One little love-ful thing at a time.

Don't worry about the grand outcome the huge dreams the perfection of intention. Just do what is there right in front of you. This sketch. This dinner. This moment of connection. This thing on your to do list.

And then we find it all gets done.

Or if it doesn't, we get by anyway.

Harvest Soon Travelling

2010-10-04T13:43:00.003-04:00

Harvest Soon Travelling

poladroid ap

I don't have that much time to write undisturbed without kids, but I'm still going. Still chugging along. I am closer than I have ever been to having a polished piece of work. It's amazing how those small bits of time can really add up. That should be a lesson to us all. We always think that nothing can get done unless we have everything just right to finish it, but it's so much easier to finish those big projects in small bites, doing a bit a day and staying committed.

By staying committed, I find I am almost done. Almost ready to show to people. Almost ready to send it out and find an agent. Or at least try to. I know that's a whole different story.

And the whole thing is scary. I love to write and do it for my own pleasure, but I want someone to read it. I want it to be read. Except it's scary to think about people actually READING it. Judging it. Paying money for it.

With all the commitment I've made to writing over the last 25 years I'm not going to let a little fear stop me, but I am going to admit it's there.

Fear is one of those things that can scatter when you turn on the light and look at it. Like cockroaches.

Do I want to let those fear cockroaches stop me from going where I want to go with my life? No. Look. I'm even talking about it on my blog. People I know will hear all about my fears. And about my novel almost being ready to read.

When you turn on the lights in your life, where do you find those fear cockroaches? Is it time for you to do a little stomping?